New and Need Help with Blending
I am new here...been divorced two years and been dating my SO for a year and a half. He has 3 boys (21,10,8) and I have one (11). So far, we have been keeping our lives pretty separate when we both have our kids, we have some time together with all of us but don't stay overnight or do everything together. Holidays, birthday, etc are mostly separate as well. He is fearful of all the issues surrounding a second marriage and blended families, so he is moving very slow in this regard and reminds me that our focus needs to be on raising the kids and that we don't come first. I agree with all this, but emotionally I want to feel like the relationship is moving forward and spend more time together.
So, am I in too much of a rush here to make a new family? Looking for some wisdom from those who have been down this path! Is he right to take it very slow?
Blended families are
Blended families are difficult but what are his specific issues. Why is everything so separate ? Does he not want to start acting like a family after1 .5 years and making future plans. ?? 1.5 years is enough time to get to know someone and to decide if you want a long term commitment or not. I understand wanting to move slow but if he is straight out telling you that you all don't come first I believe that he is not interested in moving the relationship forward. He has essentially just told you he needs to focus on his kids and not the relationship he has with you.
Now you have to decide. Are you willing to wait around for a man to come to his senses?!? If so. How long? He may never want to move things along. Then what!?! After a year and a half I would want some firm plans in place. Engagement and wedding etc. I spent years with a man who was too scared to get married so I broke it off with him. Why!?! Because I was not going to continue to give my heart and life to a man that refused to commit to me. Breaking I off was the best thing I've ever done. In hindsite I now know that it wasn't that he was scared but he just didn't want to marry me. And I would never spend more than a year going forward with a man without a ring and a solid wedding date. But that's just me. I don't believe in giving of myself and loving someone with all my heart without the proper type of commitment. At least your guy is being up front with you. Do you want to wait Indefinitely !? Only u can decide that.
^^^this. I agree. I'm sorry
^^^this. I agree. I'm sorry but he doesnt want to move forward.
This man sounds like me when
This man sounds like me when my son was a kid. I was all for dating, but marriage or living together was a huge no. My son was my top priority and was not willing to change that for a man.
You have to respect the man's honesty and actually hear what he is telling you.
With the two of you making
With the two of you making the kids the priority and focus this relationship has failed before it has fully started. Do yourself and your son a favor and move on.
If you and this man are to be equity life partners that means that the sole and unchallenged priority for each of you is each other and the relationship. Children are the top marital responsibility but never take priority over the adults at the core of the relationship or their marriage.
The best thing you can to for these four young men is model a healthy, committed, and unchallenged equity life partnership between two adults. Which also happens to be the best thing you can do for yourself and for each other.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Well said Rags!!
Well said Rags!!
Who knows the interest level
Who knows the interest level of the SO, but yes you are moving too fast. Date more than one man. Your first priority is your 11 year old son. Don't do anything unless BOTH of your lives are enhanced.
I was single many years after my divorce. My kids thrived. I thrived. It was the calm before the storm, until I married a man who was really married to his adult daughter.
Focus on your 11 year old
Focus on your 11 year old son, OR if you insist on continuing your relationship with SO,
PLEASE allow your son to live with HIS dad full time. This will allow you to focus on blending with your boyfriend and his kids, and your 11 year old will have his dads attention and not be second fiddle to your concerns about boyfriend and HIS kids.
You may not think it now but trust me your son will get lost in this ....HE deserves YOUR focus and YOUR attention.
Above all things.
I agree with Echo on this..
I agree with Echo on this.. Why would you tell someone to send their son away,.... That is nuts. You either blend families and all kids are treated the same or not. This man does not want to move the relationship forward. He has basically said as much. It baffles me when women hear what they want to hear. This man has made himself clear.. loud and clear. Please listen to him
Having this talk with him
Having this talk with him after he has made his views clear, will only make the OP look needy and desperate.
Since the OP is looking for a long term relationship where she is the priority, this is not the guy for her. Now, he may be the perfect guy for someone else in 10 years when his youngest is heading off to college.
Thank you so much for all the
Thank you so much for all the comments. I suppose I really wanted this to work out because we get along so well and the first year of the relationship was very promising. He talked about moving forward, what that would look like, and we started discussing details. Then he stopped all of a sudden, saying that I pushed him too hard for a committment. I don't believe I did, I just wanted to know it was leading to something permanent and that we both wanted the same things ultimately. I think it's absolutely reasonable to have those conversations.
The bottom line is that I don't want to wait another 10+ years to see what happens with this relationship. And you are right, he has been clear with he wants and it's just not that same as what I want.
I feel bad for you.. This is
I feel bad for you.. This is a difficult situation. I wasted 4 years with a man who would not marry me. Bottom line is if you don't want a commitment you don't get me. Don't waste the next 10 years of your life on a man that you love more than he loves you. I refuse to date longer than a year without concrete plans in place. Not gonna happen. The key is to be happy on your own. NO man can provide you the happiness that you seek. Only you can do that for yourself.
That man i spent 4 years with we got along really well too until i realized he did not want to commit. Then i became resentful. We wanted different things. I wanted a partner for life. To be with someone and combine lives forever. He wanted to just "see how things went". Kids and ex were his #1 priority so I was out. you can't have a successful marriage unless both parties are truly commited to putting their relationship above all else. Your SO has told you that won't happen.
good luck