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Thanks for letting me get a glimpse of my future

Daphne91's picture

Thank you all for your insights on a lot of stuff. I posted about a month ago about my situation. Things have gotten better between me and the bf. I have also started to realize I needed to stay disengaged from his kids who are 17 and 15. We have both agreed that if he has his kids for more than a weekend I need to either be included somehow or he needs to still have a little time with me on one of the days to let the kids know that I am an important part of his life that is not going anywhere.
I don't see the dynamic of his relationship with his kids changing. I know when his daughter turns 18 she won't come visit and I suspect the son will stop when she stops. Although it's the son who seems to be the one who doesn't want to come visit or have anything to do with his dad unless it benefits him.
My BF mom and I get along great. A lovely woman whom the kids treat badly as well. His mom finally told him that while she loves her grandchildren, she would prefer that he not bring them out to visit or to family functions because they treat everyone with disrespect. Such as not answering a question or talking to anyone. She has also told her son I was a rare find. He said they kids were not being disrespectful and she said "not talking to anyone, ignoring people and whispering to each other is passive aggressive and disrespectful. You might be okay with how they treat you but it is not acceptable here." (way to go mom!)

It's going to be interesting the next weekend. He's supposed to have his kids from Thursday to Sunday. He said he was going to have us all go out to dinner or something. But his son will probably be passive-aggressive. And I am praying dad will not be manipulated.

Again thanks for all the posts on here. They are insightful. I have learned that I don't really have to try to engage or win his kids over.

twoviewpoints's picture

I don't think the OP has yet realized these kids don't want to actually visit their father (for other reasons than 'having their own lives') and that none of it has to do with her one bit.

From her first post it was fairly clear that these kids are out of their father's life just as soon as their not minors any longer. I'm curious as to what the restraining order was all about, but regardless these kids are PAS'ed on top of whatever else went on.

It's done about the OP. They couldn't care less if she's "here to stay" and not "going anywhere". It's not her the kids have a beef with. And the kids see no need to play 'happy family' for another year or two. OP has been dating Dad for a whopping length of about eight months. Not married. Not living together.

IMO OP's read too many member's stories on how the skids didn't like SM, were trying to force Dad to chose between them, wanted Dad and BM back together, were mini wives blah blah blah. She's trying to take the advice given in those situations and trying to fit it into hers. The cases and stories aren't the same.

These teens in this case are merely riding out their time until they can be done , period, with Dad. I get the sense she feels like she's somehow going to be able to fix it all, kids will want a relationship with Dad, love her and life will be rosy forever and ever.

Meh, let OP force he kids to go out to dinner and play family with him and OP. It will just blow up and cause more fights between OP and her BF. If she really thought about it, she'd write the kids off and focus on just the relationship between BF and her. If it's marriage and a pleasant homelife with her BF, she can probably have that. These kids aren't going to bother her or Dad very shortly. But if she's going to demand and force a fake happy family, gosh look how much the kids love Daddy (and new SM), eh, it's over.

Acratopotes's picture

Daphne - change it a bit woman... if BF has the kids he spends time with them without you... those times you use for yourself and live your own life, then when BF does not have the kids, he spends time with you, without calling them and texting them the whole day long, he needs to focus on you then..

This can be a win win situation for you, remain disengaged from the children,

CANYOUHELP's picture

If this is a BF and you have no children with him, why would you want a relationship, given this dynamic? You are so fortunate to see a lot of red flags waving now.....before you are married.
Most of us would have never gone into it, had we seen the flags you are seeing-- ahead of time.

SM12's picture

My SS's are like this as well. For years they have ignored me, went weekends at our home without speaking so much as two words to me and even refusing to sit in the same room as me. I used to be really upset about it and beg DH to see what it was I had done to cause this. Then I finally stopped caring at all. I disengaged. I will NOT speak to them unless they speak to me first. I refuse to be treated like that in my own home. After several years, I have a decent relationship with OSS19 and YSS10. But MSS15 still pretends I don't exist. I'm good with that. I know he has complained to BM about the fact I don't talk to him but I don't care. I have tolerated 5 years of him being rude, passive aggressive and dismissive to me. And interestingly enough, MSS complains because I don't buy him things or spoil him.

Ummm No. I give what I get.

You are very lucky to have your MIL on your side. That is worth a ton. My MIL also understands how I have it and I suspect she has given my DH a few "talks" about the SS's. My DH finally has seen how the SS's treat me and doesn't make excuses for then anymore.

CLove's picture

SD17 - who will be 18 soon, she doesn't speak to me, and I do not speak to her, besides "hey". I do not get in her face, I am disengaged, I do not lecture, if I speak to her it is to ask her to clean something up or to get something of hers and put it away. She is at BMs 5 days, our place 5 days. She stays in her room, and eats in her room. We have little to no contact.

In contrast, SD10 likes hanging with me, we do things, we go places, I buy her little treats, etc. Its like your situation, and I am hoping it will improve or SD17 moves out soon. She wants to stay with us full time after high school graduation - I am so not looking forward to that!!!!! Yikes!!!!

Rags's picture

Visitation is dad's right as is dad's own life. Dad should not have to give up his life to see his kids and the kids have no choice but to visit IMHO. If BM refuses to deliver the kids per the CO dad needs to roll up the CO and smack BM with a contempt motion. The CP BM has responsibilities that dad as the NCP does not have which includes supporting dad's time with the kids.

The kids feelings really shouldn't matter. Feelings are not rational and they are not something that parents should try to manage. Kids get presented with the situation, told what to do, and they do it or suffer the consequences and in refusal of visitation that consequence is applied against the CP.

That is not to say that the kids shouldn't have some dedicated dad time occasionally. All kids should even in intact families. Just as they should have dedicated mom time.

Regardless of their feelings the visiting kids in this situation should have no choice but to integrate into dad's home and life and that means behaving reasonably and respectfully when interfacing with all in dad's household and anyone else they interface during visitation.