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Step daughter drama

Mamasteptotwo's picture

Its not possible to explain the entire situation in one posting but I will try and paint a picture. My stepdaughter age 8, has been more then regular complaining to her farher about my 12 year old daughter being mean to her. She says and I quote I miss the old step sister. She is always so mean to me.

My step daughter sees a therapist for her issues. We spoke to the therapist about this so we had a session with the two of them and then alone with my step daughter. Nothing came of it. The therapist did not seem alarmed.

Long story short. 3 weeks later my husband and I get into again because my step daughter complained about her sister being mean. I guess i am so frustrated because she is never happy and always blaming and complaining about everything and everyone else. Im afraid I am defending my biological daughter or is she a bully. They are 4 years apart. Is it important that they get along? Im afraid my marriage is going to fall apart if I have to hear another complaint of this.

Comments

oneoffour's picture

Define mean... Hair pulling? Ignoring her? Not letting her win every game? Not sharing and holding objects out of reach?
I would not let your DD to be alone with her. Tell SD that as DD is mean to her she isn't allowed to play with SD. I bet SD comes whining about being bored in 30 minutes. But no... she cannot play with DD. Then spend time with DD doing 12 yr old girl things.

And no, they do not automatically become BFFS. What was the age difference between the other step sister she had? Didn't your DH realise that his separation from his ex would affect his only 8 yr old daughter?

You need to get the 'mean' ness clarified. What is she doing that is so mean?

Peridwen's picture

I agree with oneoffour - 'mean' needs context. It's entirely possible your SD is blowing things out of proportion. It's equally likely that your DD is actually bullying SD. Without context no one here can really advise you in any direction other than separating the girls and keeping them supervised at all times.

BS4 says BS2 is MEAN because BS2 hit BS4. What BS4 forgets to mention is that BS4 hit BS2 first because BS2 touched the toy BS4 wanted. Then Mommy is mean for taking the toy away and putting both boys in time out for hitting, because it's BS2's fault!

SD11 likes to say that DH and I are MEAN for putting homework before playtime. Our house has a rule that homework gets done before any games or screens. That's apparently mean since SD11 wants to play now and do homework later.

SS10 describes the bullies who are picking on him at school as MEAN. One girl was hitting him with rulers, tearing up his art, and knocking him over on the playground.

Niece13 said there are some MEAN girls at school who spend their time picking on everyone else's physical flaws.

Mean is such a diverse word - it covers both the benign and malignant. You really have to get into the details to figure out what SD8's version of mean is.

Acratopotes's picture

Have you ever called DD, SD and DH together and say...

SD please tell us in what way is DD mean to you......

SD she does not want to play with me... gets the answer - DD is much older then you and she does not have to play with you, so stop telling every one DD is mean to you, that's a blatant lie and I will not tolerate it any more, you will be punished in the future...

if DH dares say anything, smile and tell SD ; seems like Daddy will play with you from now on...

Mamasteptotwo's picture

Mean is the way that my daughter speaks to her? She becomes frustrated because she is 12 sassy and more confident. My 8 year old sd is sheltered and as her dad says innocent. I refer to it more of ignorance. She has little to know self skills including commicating her feelings in any other way than crying or Whining. I still bath her, cloth, and do most milestones that are years behind. It is possible my bd is coming off as a bully. Her confidence is apart and a trait I am proud of her for. As the teenage years approach I have had to knock her down a couple knotches for the sass. I am address possible issues of this frustration and possible jealous due to my needing to spend far more time attending to my SD then BD.

Stepped in what momma's picture

12 and 8 aren't far apart in physical years but mentally they are light years apart. Is the 8 yo expecting your kid to "play" with her and your kid is wanting nothing to do with her and this is what is "mean"?

Why are YOU bathing a step kid first off and why is anyone bathing any kid that is 8 yo?