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New to step parenting and need to vent

Whyme79's picture

Hi all. When I found this forum I couldn't believe that so many felt the same way I do. My partners wife passed a couple of years ago and left three young girls in his care. We have been seeing each other for 12 months and I love him to bits. Problem is his oldest two are fantastic (11 & 9) but the 7 yo drives me insane. It's to the point now where I get angry and grumpy at the thought of heading home and my anxiety levels climb. I feel horrible feeling this way but I can't help it. I snigger when she gets in trouble which is quite childish of me. She can't sit still (it's like there are ants running through her veins), she gets distracted, breaks things and takes no responsibility. Her level of education is appealing for her age as she won't listen and learn.

I've taken into account her mothers passing but this behaviour is totally out of control. I've tried telling her father that she needs a councillor but it's like that's fallen on deaf ears.

I would like to have our own child one day (time is ticking very quickly however) but the OH says that he doesn't think he could do it again due to her appalling behaviour.

At my wits end

twoviewpoints's picture

Your SD7 sounds like she may be ADHD. When is the last time Dad had her in for a full physical and a chat with her pediatrician? Awfully young to have lost her mother. Mothers 9and fathers) are pretty much their whole world at five, then poof, gone. No more attempting to adjust and move on and here comes new stepmom. That's a lot for a little kid.

Do a bit of research on loss of a parent and also ADHD then sit down with husband and talk to him. If this little one needs perhaps some assistance dealing with, learning to live with some things that are beyond her control, Dad is doing his daughter an injustice to ignore the troubles/problems.

If his daughter and you are both struggling (different ways, of course, but both having coping issues), Dad can' just turn a deaf ear. Doesn't he want his daughter to thrive and his wife to be happy ? He's got neither right now. One is bouncing off walls, the other is ready to pull her hair out and dash out the door.

bitsnpieces15's picture

Yup, sounds like ADHD. It could be aggravated by the death and changes. It is trying for BIO parents murder on step!

SMforever's picture

You may have to accept that you are thinking magically that somehow everything about this guy and his baggage will turn around and you can realise your dream of having your own baby.

It is fairly clear from only the brief bit you've written is that this man, no matter how nice he may be, is in no position to make you any promises along those lines. He has totally different needs, i.e. To help these kids cope without a mother. If you aren't prepared to be the saint who steps into that role as an equity life partner (and it's not selfish to decline the opportunity if you feel he won't listen) then to be frank you will be far better off just finding a different partner.

He does not have a fresh slate by any means, so he is not as available as you might want, he may not want any more confusion, expense, responsibility. Sure, he enjoys your adult company, but I feel it's extremely selfish of HIM to expect you to fit into this circus.

Listen when a man tells you who he is. He says he doesn't want any more kids. Talk him out of that and all you will get is resentment down the line,

Disneyfan's picture

How is the man a selfish jerk?

He is not forcing the OP to live with him or help with his kids. In ONE YEAR she met the man, moved in (or allowed him to move into her home)and is making noise about having a child with him. She could have simply dated the man (and others) instead of running full speed ahead.

The guy is being honest about kid #4. He doesn't want anymore. Respect/appreciate his honesty and move on.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Why would you settle for raising HIS kids and his refusal for you to have one of your own to raise? That is very selfish, let him find another nanny and you find somebody who wants a family with you!

Whyme79's picture

Thanks for all your feedback. Disneyfan, which part did I say that I was living with him? I have not jumped up and down about having children. We have simply just spoken about it!!!

I have some decisions to make!!

TwoOfUs's picture

lol.

There are a lot of SM bashers on this site, unfortunately, who always take up for the husband and/or the BM and assume a lot without really knowing all the details.

However...I agree with the general tone of other commenters. If you don't get to have a kid and end up spending your time and other resources on HIS kids, you will end up resenting this man enormously.

Also, if he is 100% sure he doesn't want a kid, then he IS being selfish trying to convince you to forego that for him or hoping you'll just change your mind or "age out" before you leave him. He is JUST as capable as you are of seeing that your desires and needs don't match and making an adult decision. For some reason, a lot of posters on this site like to give childless SMs s*** for Pollyanna thinking / believing they can change a guy's mind...but they give the guys a total pass for thinking they can change the woman's mind. Makes no sense.

For you...I would say, if you know you absolutely want a child, I wouldn't gamble that or waste time on a man who might, maybe, one day, eventually come around.

Disneyfan's picture

"It's to the point now where I get angry and grumpy at the thought of heading home and my anxiety levels climb"

If you don't live with them, why would you get angry and grumpy at the thought of heading home? :? :? :?

Disneyfan's picture

How does the thought of heading home to a peacful, kid free house make one grumpy, angry and induce anxiety? :?

If going to house induces those feelings, then don't go.

Acratopotes's picture

Whyme - keep living on your own lol.... I moved in with my SO and out, been living on my own for past 4 years again... can't handle his brat I call Aergia .... now it's easy I drive over visit and go home as soon as his brat irritates me..

Oh I do nothing at SO's house, absolutely nothing, I keep on saying.. I'm a guest why should I do dishes while your 17 year old daughter, who lives here, and it's her dishes refuse to do anything...

Disengage from the children, not your children and not your problem, you are not their mother... he's the father and he should ensure they are taught correctly with manners and respect and all, you never buy them anything and you never help with home work....