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Should DH go to court over Ex-SF

step.life's picture

SD9 lives EOW with us 50/50. BM informed DH that she is divorcing her current husband but he doesn't want to sign the papers. They've been married for 3 years. SD infomed us that SF is moving out but she is still going to see him and he will drive to her house in the mornings to take her to school. Essentially he is the new taxi driver.
 
DH thinks this is asking for trouble. BM has disclosed to DH that they went to marriage counseling and SF to anger management. We can only speculate that apparently this was unsuccessful and BM is filing for divorce.

Given this history DH is considering filing for full custody during the school week if BM is unable to get SD to school herself. Also he is concerned with SD being alone with ex-SF during the middle of their divorce. And after the divorce for that matter. He isn't opposed to SD phoning ex-SF or possibly visiting with BM supervision minimally given he's been in her life for 5 years. He feels BM is being naive and negligent in allowing SF to be involved this much day to day routine or possibly visitation on BMs time. BM has always done things that are convenient for herself (using the SF) and this isn't an exception.

What if anything can/should DH do about this?

step.life's picture

ETA: DH has expressed these concerns directly with BM but she doesn't see anything wrong with SF being involved still.

BethAnne's picture

If BM allows it and there is nothing concrete to say that sf is a danger to sd then there is nothing he can do to prevent sd spending bm's time with him short of discussing it with BM.

As for the change of custody, I am not sure that is possible if BM has made arrangements to get the kid to school and the child is not missing school.

Step dad will likely only keep up the contact with step daughter for a short period of time before he moves on or it becomes too much hassle. Just wait let this one work itself out and help sd if sd if she needs support during their separation and divorce.

uofarkchick's picture

I think it's a very nice gesture on the stepfather's part. He is under no obligation to do it. Your husband should stay out of it.
I don't think that being driven to school by an ex stepfather is going to necessitate a change in custody.

sunshinex's picture

So he's been raising the kid at least part time since she was 4 years old? Seems to me like a good reason to stick around in her life. I think it'd be confusing for her to have that relationship taken away, if it was a good relationship. DH and I already know if anything were to happen to us, I'd stick around because I've raised her since she was 2 (she's now 5) full-time and we have a good relationship. Sure, we'd have problems with BM and any future girlfriends of his, but it's best for SD to have some type of consistency. I'm her stepmom no matter what happens to DH and I - because that's the relationship we've built and it's not going anywhere.

I think stepdad is doing the right thing and you should stay out of it unless you feel there's some type of danger present.

Maxwell09's picture

I think your DH needs to save himself the court trouble and the money and just wait it out. As soon as StepDad starts seeing someone new the SDad will phase himself out whether to avoid BM or to appease his new female friend. When SDad bails then your DH should offer to pick up the slack if her school attendance is that importance.

step.life's picture

I guess the main concern with DH is the mention of anger management SF goes to/went to that I mentioned. SD has said SF has punched holes in walls and throws things (her shoes, books, etc. Other objects around the house, also has said things like "your mom makes me watch you while shes working, otherwise I would be doing XYZ"). Coupled with the fact that he does NOT want the divorce. DH is concerned that he could take his frustration out on SD if he's resentful toward BM (even if just verbally/emotionally). I thought that during a breakup is when a partner potentially would be the most dangerous...? Maybe we are overreacting, DH just doesn't want SD in the middle of a potentially volitle situation. BM has no one else around to rely to transport SD to our district where she goes to school around her work schedule. I feel SF may be trying to "win back" BM by catering.

BethAnne's picture

If your husband has concerns he can bring them up with his ex and talk it through with her. Maybe she will see things his way and agree to not let sd see her step dad unsupervised. Your husband is welcome to try to gain custody over this but unfortunately attending an anger management class does not make step dad a danger on paper so he is unlikely to get anywhere with custody. If he wants to be certain he can consult with a lawyer who will advise him of the situation where you live.

Totalybogus's picture

I don't think so. I think it will be an incredible waste of money. She can let anyone she wants drive her daughter to school on her time.

Also, this won't last long. Divorces are hell. He won't keep helping her out. I say bide your time.

Acratopotes's picture

DH should stay out of his Ex wife's live - he's not her husband anymore!!!

If SF is no threat to SD then why get involved?

Livingoutloud's picture

Well some people are bad spouses yet good parents. My exDH was an awful husband yet he is s great father to DD and has always been. ExSF might be an angry man with BM but a kind stepfather to SD. Maybe BM drives him to angry behavior for all we know.

Livingoutloud's picture

Well some people are bad spouses yet good parents. My exDH was an awful husband yet he is s great father to DD and has always been. ExSF might be an angry man with BM but a kind stepfather to SD. Maybe BM drives him to angry behavior for all we know.