Cutiepie's picture

Excited Step - Granny .....until

Hi everybody,

I hope I don't ramble on and on.

I am a new step grandparent. My 25 year old SD had a baby 3 weeks ago. My SD looks at me as a mother figure and as a grandparent. My husband and I have not been to see the baby due to the drive time it would take since she lives in a different state and our work schedule. Several days ago my husband tells me that he is going to use his vacation time and goes to spend 3 days with his daughter and Grand-baby at the end of January. I would not be able to go because of work and we have young children that are in school. I was hurt, disappointed, and felt excluded, seeing that my DH would plan a trip to visit without me. I told him if this was our Bio daughter he would not even think to go visit without me. Am I being over sensitive? Maybe dad and daughter need Rhys time together. My DH has always wanted his daughter to be looked at as "our" daughter. I just have a hard time looking at her as "our" daughter because her father picks and chooses what he wants to share with me about his daughter. I have chosen to love my SD in spite of the over protectiveness and guilt displayed by my DH. I just can't stand when he excludes me and I've told him this. Again, am I making much to do out of nothing? Puzzled Puzzled

Acratopotes's picture

Oh Hon - I'm the wrong person

Oh Hon - I'm the wrong person to ask... I think you are over reacting... SD is not your daughter, but then again I will never go to my SD is she should have a couple off babies, she will never bring her spawn into my house and SO can simply visit her on his lonesome without telling me... that's how much I care

If you and SD had a good relationship - send a care package with DH to her and text her in advance you are sending her a package from you and the half siblings, exclude DH's name.... your DH is being a douche.. sorry but that's my opinion

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

twoviewpoints's picture

I can understand him being

I can understand him being excited and anxious to meet the grandbaby, but it's sad he didn't work with you on a schedule that would let you both go. I live in same state you do (IL) and my own minor daughter has a long weekend off school both mid this month and one in February.

He's your husband and you know how willing (or not) he'd be on renegotiating his self made planned trip. Have you told him how you feel? Does he know you are feeling left out of this and "our daughter" means little if he pushes you out of things like first grandbabies?

Can you make arrangements for someone close to the younger children to stay with the kids (if the plan is not to take them) or check the school calendar for when they, too, many have a long weekend off school coming up? I've no clue what kind of vacation/sick/personal day benefits you have through your employment , any way you can arrangement a couple days at a soon upcoming timeframe to get off?

I totally understand you wanting to go and your husband really should be working with a better date plan with you...on the otherhand, if you're saying you have no time and impossible with children's school under perhaps Spring break or even summer, I can also understand your husband not wanting to wait months and months.

I will say, yes, I'd be pretty upset if husband and I had not already discussed a trip and found nothing working out fairly soon for both/all of you to go to hear him just announce 'I am going blah blah' . That's never been the way my husband and I roll.

MummaTon's picture

I can understand your

I can understand your feelings as it seems you have a close relationship with your SD and you want to go. if we are just looking at this situation specifically- is it just your work commitments that are not allowing you to go or has DH/SD just not invited you? If it is because of work that you can't go, then I think you should send him off with blessings. If it was my daughter and my DH couldn't come with me, I would go anyway...its a new baby! Vice versa, if it was his daughter (my SD) I would be pissed that I couldn't go, but still think DH should.

HeavenLike's picture

My father and SM have been

My father and SM have been married 24 years now. Maybe a difference is that their respective children were all adults when they married but they regularly spend time with their own children and grands without the other, even on holidays. Sometimes they go somewhere together and sometimes they don't.

I think if you had children that were older and lived elsewhere you'd understand this better. Occasionally I wondered if SM was really on board this, like when my father would fly to see my sibs in other states and be gone for several days around a holiday but in recent years she has expressed to me that this arrangement is ideal for her.

The way she has explained this to me is that they are home together most of the time but they each cherish their own families and want to spend time with them. They would rather be with their own families and being with the other family is okay but being with their own family is highly preferable.

So the caveat here is that they are more equal in their situation, each has been married before (my parents divorced, her husband died years before she married my father), my father has 4 kids, SM has 3. My father has 10 grands and now 3 great grands whereas SM has a much larger amount of grands, great grands, and even great great grands. They also have no children together, and I realize how much different that picture is.

I wish you would not feel excluded. I often feel that single people who marry parents are in an inherently unfair position because most people, IMO, want the kind of marriage that intact, first-time married people have and marrying a parent means that almost is never going to happen.

He is a grandfather yet you have young children together, he has two families essentially and having a family with a man in that situation means that he will be gone sometimes, that resources that you'd like to be intact within your own little family will instead flow out and away. It can't helped.

For your own peace of mind and happiness, I hope you can learn to stop thinking in terms of inclusion/exclusion and try to understand, at least to some degree, that he is juggling two separate families.

There really isn't any reason for him to delay any longer to see his grandbaby, that child innately means something to him that it doesn't to you, well as you can see, he is impatient to see the baby while you are quite okay with waiting however long. If it were your grandbaby, you'd feel like him but it's not your daughter or grandchild and you are just going to have to accept that you chose a man unable to give you the intact family of your dreams, that his time, money, attention are going to go to his child and now grandchild, and sometimes that will mean that what goes toward them goes away from you.

He's okay to do this, unlike many on this board, I do not believe that marrying another person means forsaking your children, that should never be asked or expected of a parent, even when the children become adults and life goes forward. Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, or something to that effect, he raised his child, hopefully raised her well, and one big payoff is grandkids.

In this matter, your level of happiness with the situation is entirely up to you. It's a choice you can make.

MummaTon's picture

^^^that is awesome

^^^that is awesome

So So Step Mom's picture

I really appreciate your

I really appreciate your comments in support of the BF visiting his daughter at this time!

I have step children who are very dear to me, as well as 2 BD's who are close to their step dad. There are times when my husband and I simply cannot arrange work/life schedules to go together to see his children or mine. We love to visit each of the children together, but when that cannot work out he goes to see his and I go to see my biological children. Actually, sometimes I go to see his children alone and sometimes he goes to see mine on his own. Schedules simply can't always work out, and it's better to seize whatever opportunity for visiting that we can than to miss out. IT's about taking the opportunities that arise, and not about being excluded.

My daughters have suffered mightily because their step mother will not permit their biological father to visit them unless she can go, too. She has not made them feel welcome in her home, either, not providing them with a place to sleep, etc. (They live hundreds of miles away, and cannot afford hotels when they visit their dad.) Because BF and SM have young children, they cannot often get away together to visit his BDs. So, their own father has essentially become unable to spend any time with his older children, either alone or with his wife. This has left my daughters feeling abandoned and excluded, and they grieve terribly. All so unnecessary.

People who marry spouses with children need to understand that just like a spouse may need sometimes to visit parents or siblings on his own, or go on business trips at times when the other spouse cannot accompany due to small children, work schedules or finances, the spouse will also need to visit his biological children on his own.

Everyone is happier in the long run when parents are supported by their spouses in being good parents to their children. Everyone benefits.

Still Tryin' Step Mom

SuperJew's picture

Are your young children the

Are your young children the grand baby's aunt/uncle? If it's been 3 months, why not go over winter break when kids are out of school? It seems your DH is tired of waiting for the stars to align and the Blessed George Michael to cast a dazzling smile your way. Would it really kill you to take some sick leave or arrange for a couple days off and pull the kidlets out of class for a mini family vaycay?

"u ashole u think ur new condo is so great..." -Medusa via WOB

downsouthinTX's picture

i would like to touch on the

i would like to touch on the aspect that he made these plans without asking you.
that means he he assumed you would, should, could take care of the house and all of your mutual kids alone without him on top of your own work.
whether he made plans to go see his adult child or made plans to go on a hunting trip...it still inconsiderate to do that without consulting your partner.

would you make plans to leave the area/state alone and not tell him and just assume he would hold down the fort while you were gone?
if you did do that what would his reaction be?

Cutiepie's picture

Thank you everyone for your

Thank you everyone for your feedback. You have given me somethings to think about that I hadn't considered. This is DHs first Gbaby. We have talked about visiting my SD as soon as we could. I think the part that bothered me the most was that he had already made plans without considering me and then wants SD to be called considered "our" daughter, yet he does things contrary to it. She's a beautiful young woman who I introduce as my SD (not our daughter) and I'm ok with that and so is she. I want him to go visit his daughter and Gbaby. I would be chomping at the bit if the shoe was on the other foot. Our children just returned to school from winter break this week. DHs plans are too visit His daughter for a few days and then go visit his relatives during his week of vacation time. I wrote the initial post very early this morning because I could not sleep. I wasn't sure if anyone would respond, but Wow was I wrong. Having a place to share and vent with others in similar situations is extremely helpful. Thank you all again.

Goodluck's picture

WOW I am surprised he didn't

WOW I am surprised he didn't go see his Grand Child before now.

You had 9 months to arrange your schedule and you are still him haling around?

Your not being fair to him OR your step daughter you say views you as a mother figure AND Grandmother.

Send your wonderful DH on his way and pack his car UP with loads of presents for the baby. You may want to include a special gift for the new mother and Daddy, perhaps 2 visits from Merry Maids would be appreciated and a few gift cards for meal delivery service. You may be able to recover from this by showering her with things you could not provide for her IF you showed up for an extended weekend.

Yes Ma'am your in the wrong. You could still Take the kids out of school, make hotel arrangements very close to their home for you, dh and your family (don't stay with a new mom and dad--tacky and rude) and try to make it right.

Gush over this child just like a Mom and Granny would Smiling

The second type of triangulation is a cross-generational coalition in which one parent forms a coalition with the child against the other parent. This is the type of triangulation involved in the pathology traditionally called “parental alienation”.

Cutiepie's picture

Thank you Goodluck. We have

Thank you Goodluck. We have sent a package full of goodies as well as attended the baby shower. As an update for everyone DH will be going to see his Gbaby. We talked about him making plans to go visit without considering me. DH didn't quite understand but when I explained that if he wants me to consider "his" daughter as "our" daughter we could have made plans together, DH understood. Yes, I want to be there, however , I do understand the importance and need of DH to see his newly born Gbaby. This step grandmother will send some goodies for Gbaby with DH.

NMO's picture

I LOVED this: "I wish you

I LOVED this: "I wish you would not feel excluded. I often feel that single people who marry parents are in an inherently unfair position because most people, IMO, want the kind of marriage that intact, first-time married people have and marrying a parent means that almost is never going to happen."

I am in that situation, and that is the true reality of it. I love our little one with all my heart...but my H is still her GF, and I am not biologically related...and am treated as such. I've been told that I cannot be called GM, but they call me either by my name or "Nana"...hard to take sometimes, but am learning to live with it.

I agree with all above that he should go on his own if you can't go. It is his GD, and he should see her asap. I wonder if it was your BD having a baby if your plans would have been altered then? Would you then be going? Just a thought...Eye-wink

NMO

Rags's picture

Partners like your SO drive

Partners like your SO drive me insane. They tend to expect the SParent to be all in with the Skids yet when it is time for them to shit or get off of the pot to make us (the SParents) full meal deal partners they jump up from the toilet and take off running.

In your DH's case.... literally.

I feel for you. Jerk a knot in his tail and tell him when the two of you will go visit the GSkid. Some people can't handle the strain of having to think for themselves.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy.-Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a part of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags

Stepdrama11's picture

I agree with Rags. If this is

I agree with Rags. If this is bothering you, trust your instincts.

I did not trust my instincts (even though he had visited alone many times before but something didn't feel right this one time), let DH go alone on a trip to see SKs, and things have never been the same since then.