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I'm not sure I can do this anymore!

Itsybitsy's picture

I am not sure I can keep doing this. I am starting to hate my husband and his daughter. SD is 7 but DH treats her like she's a baby, and she loves it. She comes to our house and literally takes over. Every room, every tv, every second of everyday that she's with us. I can't stand it. DH feels guilty for not getting to be with her everyday, so he spoils her rotten, never tells her no, and everyone is just expected to do what she wants, when she wants it. She's an alright kid when he's at work, but the second he is around she starts acting like a baby. I can't take it anymore. His back hurts from work and he complains about holding our 1 year old, but then he carries his 7 year old around the whole house because she refuses to walk. He has to go everywhere with her. She interrupts every conversation we try to have. It's to the point I can't stand her voice DAAADDDYYY all day. Daddy goes to the bathroom and it's where's daddy? Where's daddy? When will daddy be done? OMG let the man poop for God's sake!!!! And what makes it worse is that I can't say anything without him acting like I am personally attacking her. When in reality I am upset with how HE handles things. He has created this situation. She knows that she gets whatever she wants with him, and if he does say no, all she has to do is cry and whine and she gets her way. She has even told he BMW "I get to do whatever I want at dads" AHHHHHHH not only can I not live like his, I worry ALL THE TIME about the affect all of this will have on my daughter. I am seriously considering taking her and leaving. I justill don't know what to do. I dread her visitson and am miserable when she is here. Any advice is welcome, however please keep and negative or nasty comments to yourself, I already feel bad enough. TYIA

Itsybitsy's picture

I think I will. I keep trying to tell him what will happen when she's a teenager, but he thinks I'm crazy and that she's too perfect for her to ever become a bad teenager. I come from a blended amply, he does not. I had to visit my dad and he was the same way. Needless to say at 13 when I went to live with my dad, and he eventually stopped treating me like a perfect special snowflake I rebelled. It's gonna happen, I just don't know own to get him to see that. And I want no part of it when it does happen.

Itsybitsy's picture

But that's just it, it's not necessarily her. It'seems how he handles things. If he'd treat her like a 7yo, and not a baby I think I could handle things a little better. But good point, if I do leave he'll do the same with my daughter and I will not be OK with that. Ugh.

Steptococci's picture

OMG my husband does this too. It is unfair and manipulative.

He's raising a total brat. He's her parent and he can spend all the time in the world with her, ALONE.

I would start filling up my schedule for you and your baby. Suddenly little one needs swim lessons, play dates, long strolls. You need to go to Mommy and me dance classes, workouts, etc. Sure it might initially look like you're neglecting him or the "family" but if you're at the point of fantasizing about divorce, this is a better option. Once DH realizes he can't stand hanging out with this brat either, he may decide to start parenting her.

I don't blame you for being fed up. I have a very similar situation in my home. Less extreme, but I've been chipping away at the problem for years. DH is slowly but surely getting the message.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Oh dear. Well to be honest, I can't stand my own kid yelling daddydaddydaddydaddy and mommymommymommymommy all day either, can't imagine if it wasn't my own flesh and blood. I'd go bonkers.

Same thing with my older daughter acting like a baby--she's 3, but for the love of God, DH, stop letting her sleep all night in our bed, I need to have some good sleep where I'm not being touched by tiny human beings all the time. She and BD4months have their own room, she can fall asleep there by herself. When I put her to bed, she stays there all night.

I've taken to telling BD3 that babies don't get to eat chocolate or ice cream (her favorite things) so if she wants to whine like a baby, then we can treat her like a baby.

I think if I were you, I'd kindly remind DH that our job as parents include raising them to be functional adults... allowing them to be babies far past when it's appropriate is counterproductive to that.

thinkthrice's picture

You're giving me flashbacks! "Daaaaaaaaaddddddeeeeee" and then it digressed to using Chef's first name as an indication that:

1. Chef was not their father (um they are spitten images of him)
2. Chef is beneath them
3. They have A.S.S. "adult spousal status" and believe they are equal to the BM and superior to dad.

I literally had to BLOCK YSS, then 6 yrs old from following his father into the bathroom. Then he immediately stuck his filthy, fat little finger in my face and said "YOU, get me some ICE CREAM NOW!"

Well I put him straight quick and it left he and his siblings in a state of shock since they never had heard the word NO, nor considered themselves the CHILDREN in the relationship.

Itsybitsy's picture

I try. I tell her no, he tells her yes. He goes behind my back and contradicts everything I say, every rule I make. I told her last night to stop jumping on his back because it hurts him and he says "no it doesn't, she's fine" then when we lay down he tells me how his back is killing him... WTH.

uofarkchick's picture

He's a grown man. If he didn't want her jumping on him, he's perfectly capable of expressing that. There are days where I don't want to play Barbie because I'm sick, tired, or both. But I do it because they are my kids and it makes them happy when I play with them. Now, him contradicting you when it comes to rules and behavior is not okay. If your only role is to play the bad cop, then disengage.

No Name's picture

Introduce him to other parents of mature 7 year olds and how they interact. Personally I love the age and seven year old girls are typically sweet kids. She has Daddy wrapped around her finger and she knows it. Maybe the best thing would be to say to her that other children won't want to be her friend if she does this or that. Or how would she feel if someone turned the TV off if she was watching something. Of course you can always prove your point by going out and doing something really fun that you know that she would love and explain to her that I will take you next time but you have to prove to me that you are a big girl by not doing x, y and z. You may have to limit it to x. Dangle that carrot and make her earn a special fun filled outing! It works the other way too that if they don't do something you take away things that are important to them. At one point my son had nothing in his room but a bed and books (he hated to read) and he had to earn everything back. It works. Maybe hard on you and you need to take baby steps. Good luck to you!

Jewel99's picture

I don't blame you. I'd be so annoyed he carries around a 7 year old and not a 1 year old. Luckily for you it's just visitation. Imagine full time?? We seriously didn't know what we were getting into with these step kids. I hope everything works out for you, I'm in a similar boat.

Disillusioned's picture

If your DH doesn't want to parent her, there is not a lot that is going to change the situation unfortunately Sad

Try to disengage from her. Can you go out and do stuff along with your DD when your SD is there?

Pretend this kid is the neighbor's kid, smile and wave, but don't put up with any destructive actions towards you, your child or your home

When your husband has to deal with her all the time, some of the Disney Dad stuff may well change

Genelady825's picture

I hear you, been there. It doesn't change unless your husband gets actively involved with parenting skills. Would he go to counseling?

I put up with my SD's behavior and believe me it was tough. Met her at age 8 and left when she was 16. She would come over every weekend and trash out the house and I would spent Sunday night and Monday straightening up my house. I never got to relax on a weekend in my clean home and read or knit or have time for myself. God help me when I asked her to pick up after herself, I would have asked that and did eventually of my own daughter. But DH would be irate with me and tell me not to discipline his daughter. Bottom line, I got out. Afater 8 years I cried Uncle. Counseling might have helped if I could have gotten him to go with all of us. I took my infant and left and it was the best thing I ever did. Financially it was tough, but I was at peace and raised our daughter on my own in another state in a city near my parents. It was bliss.

My BD eventually visited him and they had a tumultuous relationship before his stroke. Oddly enough he and the SD also did not get along as adults. But my BD knows why I left and it taught her that a woman does not have to put up with crap, she can be independent and self-sufficient and does not have to rely on a man in a dsyfunctional relationship. I have no regrets.

Today BD is happy, married and well-grounded.

He has to clue in to her behavior and take charge of setting limits, if he doesn't, it does not bode well.

Genelady825's picture

I hear you, been there. It doesn't change unless your husband gets actively involved with parenting skills. Would he go to counseling?

I put up with my SD's behavior and believe me it was tough. Met her at age 8 and left when she was 16. She would come over every weekend and trash out the house and I would spent Sunday night and Monday straightening up my house. I never got to relax on a weekend in my clean home and read or knit or have time for myself. God help me when I asked her to pick up after herself, I would have asked that and did eventually of my own daughter. But DH would be irate with me and tell me not to discipline his daughter. Bottom line, I got out. Afater 8 years I cried Uncle. Counseling might have helped if I could have gotten him to go with all of us. I took my infant and left and it was the best thing I ever did. Financially it was tough, but I was at peace and raised our daughter on my own in another state in a city near my parents. It was bliss.

My BD eventually visited him and they had a tumultuous relationship before his stroke. Oddly enough he and the SD also did not get along as adults. But my BD knows why I left and it taught her that a woman does not have to put up with crap, she can be independent and self-sufficient and does not have to rely on a man in a dsyfunctional relationship. I have no regrets.

Today BD is happy, married and well-grounded.

He has to clue in to her behavior and take charge of setting limits, if he doesn't, it does not bode well.

Acratopotes's picture

You should not hate SD, you should hate your DH cause he's allowing it... he's the one who encourages this,
I would stop with the kid and I would turn all my focus on the husband, and try and teach him to be a better parent,
he's the one creating a monster...

Start off by telling him to stop coddling her, she's 7 and should start with chores and doing things for herself, no more baby talk and have manners, wait your turn to speak, not being loud blablablablabla and you end the conversation if he feels bad about not being with SD every day - he should consider taking BM back and leave you the hell alone...

this is what happens with divorce, you do not get to see your child daily....

men like him makes me furious... wish I can slap him

IslandGal's picture

Thats all on your moron DH. Posters above have given great advice. Problem is your DH..if he refuses to fix it..You'll need an exit strategy.