Adult Step Son wishes me dead in a gutter

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For 10 years I l was the glue of 3 adult step kids. I loved them, was their for them, opened my heart up to them trying to create this one big happy family. I would even go as far as to invite their bio mother to join us during holidays and parties. My gut always told me the step kids kindness was fake but just thought maybe it was just me feeling that way. For the past 3 year the true colors have come out of these skids. I have been told they wish I was dead in a gutter and mind you this is 2 months after lending the son 3500.00 for a new home. I was also told I am piece of shit, the house I have made a home is not mine and I should get out. The youngest step son has threatened my son twice while he was living with me and my husband recovering from thyroid surgery. I have now set boundaries but what gets me is my husband does not correct their bad behavior and make me feel like I am chopped liver. Any suggestion on what I should do. I feel so hurt and beat down with no support...

Yep I have several

Yep I have several suggestions, immediately call the 3500.00 loan, if he does not immediately return your money put a lean on his home. Keep sending collection notices, apply the highest legal level of penalties and interest to his debt to you, engage the credit reporting agencies, and destroy his ability to borrow money in the future. When he pays off his debt to you leave the items on his report for the requisite 7 years. Every time he is denied credit or has to jump through his own ass backwards to write letters clarifying the collections that will be on his credit reports he will remember not to screw around with you. This will shift his ire from wanting you dead to wishing he was dead. Make it clear to all of them that none of their crap will be tolerated and if they make the mistake of crossing you they will suffer to the fullest extent you can legally invoke.

These are adults who get no more quarter than any adult who violates your trust.

Also keep their father fully abreast of their crap and the consequences you are applying. He needs to know so that when his toxic spawn calls whining to daddy he can be fully up to speed and less subject to their manipulations.

If DH continues to fail to gain clarity then take him for everything and leave he and his spawn to wallow in the muck of their shallow and polluted gene pool. If DH finds clarity... then keep him clear that the crap from his spawn will not be tolerated.

You and he are supposed to be equity life partners. The Skids are not part of that partnership once they are adults. Your and DH's duties to parent and support are long over as far as that brood is concerned.

Zero quarter!

Granted. Most legal

Granted. Most legal consequences will require that the OP actually required the toxic SSpawn to sign a loan agreement.

However, there are other ways to deal with it. Bring it up at family gatherings in front of everyone.... that tends to shut down their participation in any gathering where anyone knows the skeletons that they bring.

Similar pressure can be applied socially, in church, in the community, etc...

Hopefully the OP did require a loan agreement before giving them money. That makes things easier but not impossible.

Most people in the toxic side of the blended family equation do not put much time into knowing their options, the CO, supplemental regulations, etc... So... even without a loan agreement there are ways to apply consequences that may not have legal teeth but certainly are extremely unpleasant.

We have used both legal and personal tactics to control the SpermClan over the years. That is why we keep our killer shark attorney friend on retainer. Even without a notable legal platform to launch from communication on a lawyers letter head tends to motivate compliance from people like the OP's toxic SSpawn.

Come on now. Why ruin the

Come on now. Why ruin the fun? }:)

There were many things that we had little to no legal standing to do but we used them very effectively as part of a comprehensive strategy to keep the SpermClan in line. The threat of changing venue to Texas from Oregon as far as the CO was concerned (possible in Wmson Cty Texas but difficult under the Uniform Custody/Support/Visitation Act. That one scared the shit out of them because it would have jacked their CS obligation up by more than 10X. It also would have more than trippled their visitation which no amount of money was worth so we used it only as a very effective threat), regular invoicing of their share of medical costs not covered by insurance and presenting their debt to the Fam Law Judge every time either they or we initiated a court action (always got them a stern lecture and us referred to small claims court until the balance got large enough to jack it up the court ladder)
, threats of CS review and modification with occassional requested reviews that raised their CS obligation by as much as 713%, and then there was having the police pick up the kid from SpermGrandHag's church in the middle of a fringe Christian cult service when she failed to get him on the plane home on schedule, etc, etc, etc....

Combined with the legal actions we did take it all worked very well. We tried many things. If they worked we used them, it they didn't we revised, adjusted, and pressed forward until we found something that did work.

Yep... lien. My brain out

Yep... lien. My brain out ran my fingers. For some reason on my foreign computer I can't get spell and grammar check to work on web sites to pick up my brain fart typos.

Thank you for the

Thank you for the suggestions….

No one should tolerate

No one should tolerate abusive toxic aholes in their life - no matter what DNA connection there might be.

These are adults not small children. There is no reason for you to deal with them again (except to collect your loan).

Write them off. Tell your DH to see them else where or when you are not at home.

Do not waste your time or energy hating them. Just live your life as if they do not exist.

" but what gets me is my

" but what gets me is my husband does not correct their bad behavior and make me feel like I am chopped liver."

There is only so much your husband can 'do' to correct their behavior. They are adults. What husband can do is correct and change his own behavior. Rags is correct on calling loan due and placing lien on house.

He can also support you in your new boundaries. You didn't mention what those are. Top on my list would be wallet slammed shut and 'welcome' mat at your door yanked away. People who wish you dead and consider you a pile of sh*t have no business in your home. You can't make husband never see them, but you can request it takes place out of your home.

What's the bit about 'not your house'? If you mean this was the pre-divorce family home, another show of support your husband could do is considering selling the home and you and he buying a new 'our house'. I'm a strong believer that a new marriage should start fresh and on equal footing... moving into the 'old family' home doesn't allow that. The new partner moving into the 'family home' sets perceptions of 'the outsider'.

Thank you for your help. We

Thank you for your help. We did sale our home and purchased a new home. Boundaries I set them by moving 2 states away. The door matt has been yanked and the wallet shut except for the grandkids. I still send them birthday and christmas items. I still hurt because I miss the grandkids dearly. It has been 1.5 year since I have seen them. We use to have them all the time. Camping trips grandkids only, sleep overs all the good stuff.

You can have a husband that

You can have a husband that is fabulous away from them and a marital failure around them... I know, I live with one. As long as I am not with them I could not ask for a more caring, considerate husband. As soon as I was in proximity, he changes into a completely different personality; and still does. To the point, he has lost a wife before me and his own children from a prior marriage....I am just history repeating itself when it comes to the entitlement, self-absorbed show.

It takes all of us way too long to figure out they are faking every bit of it in front of daddeeeee, so you will look horrible to him if you say one word--there is always a goal.

Your only hope is to completely disengage and accept your situation. Just as you cannot change the Skids, you cannot change your husband. If you disengage, they can no longer get to you and they will start on him. At least you will be at peace and do not have to be around people who you could never please anyway.

Good luck, many of us feel your pain.....

What caused the argument etc.

What caused the argument etc. ? Not sure why they would suddenly turn on you? Did something happen? Just curious as to why u this behavior may have been brought on. I would not help them at all if they are u grateful.

Echo is nicer than me too

Echo is nicer than me too Dadswife, epecially after what she endured, how pathetic of any human being...I do applaud women who can work on this level. My situation is not even mature enough for this, guess it was just meant to be. I do not worry about them coming over now, especially after I installed the security camera...LOL.

Mine cannot even come to the house when I am away they take things and go through my drawers, etc. Then, I hear I do not have enough pics up of them, etc., or I did not buy something at the right place, and the issues they have with me only goes on to infinity.

Not my circus, nor my monkey....And, trust me it is a serious circus act...

Wow Echo that's horrible! My

Wow Echo that's horrible! My ex would have had to hold me back as I would have tried to strangle my ss. I treally had good intentions with the ss. I know I did. It was fiancé an BM lack of parenting and consequences that ruined our relationship. I'm sure one day ss will be in jail for his behavior. I may be wrong but I doubt it.

This is a big fear of mine. I

This is a big fear of mine. I feel like I'm relatively close to my two younger skids (SS18, SD16) Don't see or care much for OSD20...though I did recently replace her phone for her.

My two younger skids are nice, fun, and seem to enjoy hanging with me...as much as any teen enjoys hanging with a parent. I worry that it's all an act and that something like this will surface in the next ten years. I mean, I don't constantly worry, but I have thought about it. In a way, I think it may be good, as I'm naturally a very giving person. Remembering that they're not mine and have no real obligation to maintain a relationship after they're grown keeps me from getting too invested or doing too much...

I like what you did,

I like what you did, dadswife. Great approach.

My dh would say things to me like, "when will sd be good enough for you?" Mind you, a kid her own relatives can't stand and neither can the teachers or kids at school.

Finally I said, "when will I be good enough for her? Give me the blueprint for reaching her 'standards' so she becomes nice to me?"

He was speechless and hasn't said those things to me again.

I might keep your exact words in my back pocket if it ever comes up again.

i think many of us enter the

i think many of us enter the marriage and want to genuinely have a good relationship with the skids. early on, i took them shopping and bought things with my own money for them, bought meals, paid for other things. bm never bought them much as she was interested in buying things for her latest lover.

did dh appreciate it? no. did skids appreciate it. hell no. after this happened a number of times i learned my lesson. i dont offer up anything including usefull advice to the skids. there are many things i know that can help them but i just keep silent. let them screw up their lives on their own. i no longer feel the urge to parent. let the skids smoke, take drug, gamble. its not my concern that they ruin their health and lives.

dont feel bad to coming to this realisation. it hurts to be taken advantage of.

you are a giving person and thats a good thing. just dont waste it on the ungrateful.

first of all, the skids would

first of all, the skids would NEVER dream of talking to you that way if they knew your dh had your back.

i know this first hand.

your dh is a spineless pushover and his children dont respect him and they know he wont defend you.

you can kiss away that 3500 dollars if you dont have a promissory note or contract. that money is gone for good.

you can now only learn from your lessons. back off all the way. these kids are not your own and they are adults. you have no obligation to help them in any way shape or form.

where do you find support? here on st and IN yourself. you grow a set of balls and draw a line in the sand. you will no longer allow the skids to hurt you and your will defend yourself when threatened or insulted.

how do i know this? i went through this myself. the children of dh were rude and nasty to me and dh, in his cowardice, did not lift a finger to defend me. i rolled up my sleeves and had to do it myself.

in the end, i am proud of myself and stronger for being able to defend myself. one of the skids made threats to me until i put him in his place. the look on the face was priceless. they did not expect that kind of verbal self defence.

learn to rely on yourself.

Thank you for all your

Thank you for all your support. I have moved to Washington with my husband away from the step kids. I am feeling good about our decision but still deal with the emotional loss of the skids and 3 grandkids that I loved for 10 years from time to time. Those words of he wishes me dead in a gutter echo in my mind from time to time and looking back I am in disbelief. I know I should not waist my time but I still want to shout out to their side of the family and let them know how much they have hurt me. Dumb I know…. I am just asking for more hurt. Its the grandkids I miss the most. I use to have them in my life all the time… Hugs to call. Soul needs to be uplifted and reminded to let things go. :

I am glad things are going

I am glad things are going well for you. I too live far from my OSD and it is fantastic. Give yourself time to deal with the hurt you experienced. I was upset for awhile but it does go away. When you see how peaceful your life is, you won't want it any other way.

I also have not seen the sgkids in 1.5 years. I don't miss them quite as much as I did. SM's getting too close to the sgkids is a lesson I learned the hard way. They are getting older and DH is going to see if they can visit here in the summer. Right now he only is able to see them when he goes to OSD's house. He is welcome there; I am not allowed in her home. While OSD told DH she was open to the idea, it remains to be seen if it will actually happen.

Would the sgkids be able to visit your place on their own?

I talked to my husband this

I talked to my husband this morning about the older grandkids coming and how the hurt in my heart comes and goes. I mentioned that I would like to see the grandkids this summer but without the parents so no drama string are hanging around me. I told him that it would be more enjoyable with for me without the parents at this point. He still doesn't get it. He does say he is sorry for the way I feel but I could make things better if we were closer. I reminded him that we were 10 minutes away prior to us moving 3 months ago and overtime I reached out and got slapped in the face with no responses. I also reminded him that it is his kids that are toxic by what they have done by holding the kids away from us and treating as if I was nothing because they support what their brother told me wishing me I was dead in the gutter and I was a piece of shit. They see it as I am a bad person and probably are upset because we moved. I don't even know what the drama is with his daughter keeping the grandkids away from us. We also have send a few birthday gift to the grandkids and did not get a call or a thank you.

Just an update. I was

Just an update. I was diagnosed with Valley Fever a month ago tumor in lung and on spine. Not good. No phone call from those step kids. Not one of them. My birthday was last week. Not one phone call… But the oldest grand baby age 14 sent me a birthday text late on my birthday. I loved it. Tears of joy… It made me the happiest women in the world. I asked her to please stay in touch. She said she would… I have not seemed the grand kids in almost 2 years. I prayed for the past 2 years that the grandkids as they got older would wonder what was wrong with the parents and start to come around. I am keeping my fingers crossed this is what is happening. Ok my question is do I send them all a message on how the hurt of being ignored hurts? I am ok with it but lets cut this rope together. Unfriend then on face book? they never comment on pics and sent messages? I also feel my husband should say something to them next time he talks to them. It hurts him that I am his wife and they again show no respect. ADVISE NEEDED>>> THANKS

No you do not send them all a

No you do not send them all a message of your feelings. Yes unfriend and block them all on FB
NO your husband does not have to say anything to them.

I know you are hurting but think about this.... they are not your children, you are not family.. married to their father does not make you their family. Simply disengage from them and go on with your life. If the grand kids (which is not really yours) wants to keep in contact great, if not well so be it.

Treat them like you would treat strangers in the street and live your life, they clearly showed how they feel about them, time to return the favor. Focus on your DH and disengage from his children. If he talks to them good for him, you don't want to hear about it, if they invite him for dinner, good it means you will have a relaxing evening at home, no cooking or you go out with friends, visit your own family, anything you want to do..

Hello Everyone! Update again

Hello Everyone! Update again because I am in need of you strength and advise.

Current to today: Husband and I are happy and doing great up in Wa. Boundaries and disconnect has be hard but was the best thing for us. Ok…
Last night Oldest Female Step kid talk to her father and want everyone to talk and tells him just how wonderful I was and her kids alway are asking about what happened to Julie. Then she tells her father she understands her brother gets hot headed and says things but does think he said those mean things to me. Like why don't you go die in a gutter somewhere….. Does the husband stand up and say yes my son did… No he did not say anything to her on the phone… But does say yes we should all talk.. So fast forward to this morning. I told my husband do not sugar coat and make excuses for your son and stand up for your wife and I am sorry if the truth hurts or ruffle anyone feathers. Please help me with how I should deal with the daughter wanting to talk to work thing out. No sure I want to go down this path if they are still the same or protecting the brother bad behavior and actions. And how do I handle the hubby… Thanks

I'm not sure what there is to

I'm not sure what there is to handle or work out. SD is insecure and spiteful (her issue), ss has his own demons he's dealing with (his issues) and DH's head is in the sand (his own fear and avoidance of his childrens behavior). They're all trying to scapegoat and gaslight you because they are broken in some way and are avoiding their wounds. If you jump in and try to *work it out* and handle all their crap you're just going to get dirty again.

George Bernard Shaw: "I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."

If the daughter persists tell her that you're glad to hear she's working on herself, how nice. Disengage from their drama, focus on you.

“Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone.” ― Alan W. Watts

You are awesome… Thank you

You are awesome… Thank you for word advise. It is exactly what I needed this morning.

You are not going to believe

You are not going to believe this but tonight my husband in a conversation tells me that his daughter never said that she did not believe her brother said those mean things to me. She does believe that her brother said those words to me and that I misunderstood him… Oh boy the twist and turns of drama. I don't know what to believe at this point. I wonder if my husband really doesn't know what he speaks as he talks to me when referring to the step kids. So confused.. I give up with is all…. I feel like telling my husband to leave me out completely on everything involving the step kids. But I don't want to sound like I am being mean or hurtful. I just do not want the drama or be involved with the twist and turn of stories. This would also include good things like the new baby coming up and wedding. I don't want to hear about it and know about it even in casual conversation for supporting my husband and his feeling. Boy I sound mean but I really not… I tried, I am tired and for the past several months know how good we are without this crap in our lives. But I can't this crazyness in my life at this time.

thank you for the update. in

thank you for the update. in all honesty some fathers never learn to stop being a cash cow or a door mat.

they are consumed with guilt and the need to be loved by their children even if its the love of their money.

recently dh paid tens of thousands of dollars for wedding of one of his daughters. she gushed with fake thanks and called him her bff. really? a bff for a young woman is one of her girl friends and not her own father.

any how did this sd show her due thanks to the man who she says is her best friend for ever? on her birthday she sent him a crappy general card that was a week late. if she adored him that much youd thing she would at least post the card to be received in time for the occasion.

it was a slap in the face and dh still made excuses for her.

You are not going to believe

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How could you misunderstand

How could you misunderstand the phrase 'you are a piece of sh**e' or the phrase 'I wish you were dead in the gutter' ??? Would love to hear them explain that!!!
If it had really been an awful hot headed thing they would have been over to apologise asap surely- seems to me based on updates two things have happened
1 - there have been no good presents and cash gifts cause you are gone. Bet they sure miss those
2- they may have gotten wind of your interaction with grandchildren and see it as way to draw you back in

The fact that your husband has been so spineless throughout all this is issue for pause as well. He will turn on you once he is back in the fray and help them to gas light you
I would say ignore them and stay disengaged from them- it seems to have more effect than all the kindness you Gave before

I agree-I no longer ask DH

I agree-I no longer ask DH how is his family is. If he told me I would say,'That's nice have you seen that....? I've no idea where I put it?'
You don't want to be mean or hurtful? In whose eyes? Am I being mean and hurtful to them by disengaging? No- because they don't like me, so why should I give them the privilege of my company?
Set your own standards, live your own life and stop caring what they think about you. They clearly have no taste!

Husband and I took a trip

Husband and I took a trip back to Ca. Feeling the pain.. On our way down to Ca husband was very excited that he was going to see all 3 of his adult step kids. My husband was saying that his kids were going to be so happy to see him and we might have to stay a little longer. Adult step kid was having a baby shower the weekend we were down but remind you that we were not invited. I kept on telling my husband we would just go with he flow. When upon arriving into town my kids jump in their cars and drove 1-2 hours to come see us both. But my husbands kids on the other hand did not make the time during our visit to come by to see us. 1 step kid ask if my husband could come over to their home but not bring me. My husband told them no that I was his wife and if I was not invited then he was not coming over. They got into a deep conversation, step son got hot headed and basically the conversation was I love you son and your wife but I am married to Julie and she is my wife. So I wish you and your wife the best and I love you both and would have loved to see you both but you need to stop the games. My husband was left very hurt. My husband daughter, husband and 2 grandkids never made the time to come see him either. They lived 5 minutes away from the hotel room. His daughter excused was she was to busy and wished that she would of had more notice of us coming down. So full circle this is the first time my husband has realized reality and has the pain of his 3 adult kids rejecting him because he is married to me. How do you comfort your husband or do you just let it go and let him process the pain. It was difficult for him to think they kids are going to be so excited to see him when in fact they couldn't make time or include me. It is also a struggle for me not to write them and let them know just how much they are hurting their father not me their father and to get over themselves and stop with the games…….

Husband and I took a trip

Julie, you need to get over

Julie, you need to get over this idea of writing them to "let them know" that their actions are hurtful.

Do you think that they don't know? That they will say "Oh no! What have we done?" They know. A note from you would be an amusement to them, nothing more. If you want to write about your feelings, do it and then delete it. Do not send.

I don't think that you can fix it for your husband. His "kids" are jerks. Maybe keep sending the GSkids holiday cards etc to keep the door open.

I agree with

I agree with TexasPickles.

Write about your feelings, but do not send. I've thought to write my SKs to let them know how I see them using their mother, but as long as their mother feeds them cash, what do they care?

Recently, due to DH and I

Recently, due to DH and I having nothing but the most cursory of verbal exchanges, I have taken to writing him a letter every day. I save them, but don't print them. Someday I might. It doesn't help much but it helps a bit. It helps me with those 'imaginary' conversations...

It is the Holiday season….

It is the Holiday season…. Husband skid did not call him during Thanksgiving and I think he is finally getting a taste of who his kids really are. I hurt for him I am sure but he had his front on and made 1 comment about they don't call me so I am not calling them. So fast forward today we are mailing the Christmas gifts off to his Grandbabies. I have mixed feelings of anger, hurt for them and us as well as not really wanting to do it this year. 2 of the grandkids are old enough to call or text but have been probably poisoned by the adults kids I don't know. What would you do as we get closer to the holidays. No calls, no cards, no gifts?? Remember I am the one still shopping, wrapping and reminding my husband of the grandkids. We are NOT doing anything for the adult kids and as for the skid who wished me dead in the gutter, nothing went to him or the new baby to be born. We were not invited to the shower because he is married to me and again remember these are the kids who did not come see their father when we drove to Ca for a visit. (they were about 5 minutes away) Could make time. All because my husband took a stand and stand by me know.

To hell with 'em! I doubt

To hell with 'em!
I doubt your skids will ever let you be part of their kids' lives if they have so little regard for you and your husband. If they do, it will just be to collect gifts. Move on. Put that energy into your own grandkids or, better yet, sponsor a kid who doesn't have advantages, maybe one from a refugee family.
Sometimes the best family are people with whom you share no blood!

This! I refuse to participate

This!

I refuse to participate in anonymous gift giving. I had a friend whose kids were PASed against him and he kept sending them gifts and receiving no response. No! If you want to receive a gift from me, you are required to have a relationship with me. If you don't have time for a visit, you don't have time for a gift. (Unless the gift is to a charity.)

Those buttholes don't deserve gifts. Stop it.

Thank you… You all are

Thank you… You all are awesome when it comes to helping me..

Happy New Year everyone.

Happy New Year everyone. Adult stepskid and his wife give birth to their first baby. Everyone got the pictures and baby announcement except my husband and I. Me I don really care about it but when why husband found out announcement and pictures were sent out it stabbed him in the heart. Why did we not get one you ask… Games, wanted to hurt us???? It reminds me of when we drove 2 day to Ca for a visit and 2 of the step kids could not find the time to come see their father nor include him in the co-ed baby shower. It hurt me to see my husband like this but he is getting the picture of what I have gone through for the past years. It is an act of God for me not to pick up the phone or address them all regarding the selfish unkind behaviors and how it hurts their father. I assume they want him to leave me, make a choice? Unspoken words or move back to Ca and everything will be roses. Not sure what the game is anymore. And how dare them again put their father in the middle of their quiet mean acts. Feeling frustrated, angry and hurt once again…. Any advise is kindly appreciated.

My OSD is doing the same

My OSD is doing the same thing to her father, my DH. She has been ignoring him the last two years. When he finally brought it up to her, she said he should not have told her she did things wrong to hurt me, he should have defended her because she is his daughter.

You can't rationalize with this mindset. A middle-aged woman actually thinks that her father should stand back while she is allowed to hurt the woman her father married? Who else has he allowed her to hurt in her life?

And the same with your SS. There are three choices for your DH: address it with his son, ignore his behavior or give the kid what he wants - no SM. He could try addressing it with his son, but he will likely deny and then morph into a victim. Your DH should just say "I would like to be a part of your and your child's lives" without begging, which the son would relish in. And wait to see if the son wants dad in his life, which might happen when he decides dad in his life means more presents for his child.

Sorry, I have little hopes for this situation. The father is either expected to give into their adult child's whims by sacrificing his own happiness, or be ignored as long as he is married.

SS32's GF is having a hissy

SS32's GF is having a hissy fit and refusing to allow DH near the grandchild (2) since I will not allow them access to my belongings (nothing that belongs to DH). Too bad, so sad. DH doesn't give a damn as he is not that into babies.

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Adult Step Son wishes me dead in a gutter