Lost in the blend
I am a stepmother of two SD 13 SS 7 and have been with this man for seven years but recently married two years and I am thinking of moving out.... His children have no respect for my things regardless of how much I've spent on them. The daughter refuses to sleep in her room but on the couch I just purchases every time she is here. Doesn't clean behind herself and tucks trash inside the couch instead of putting it in the trash can which can be seen from the couch and has taken to stealing my things. She is very sneaky and conniving and has brought boys through her window at BMs home. Truly she thinks she feown and wears shorts that are way shorter than mine. I am not exaggerating her butt check can be seen! Hubby won't tell her to change BC she says my mom let's me! She has been caught lying about it to everyone and dad keeps saying there's nothing he can do. She refuses to eat the groceries we buy but tells her dad she want to eat out every night she is here and he does this even if he spends bill money. I find his(my husband)behavior unsettling because he's attempting to buy her affection since her mothers remarried she uses her stepfather against my husband. For instance say we can afford to go out she will ask her dad for his cell to call BM & SD and in front of her BF she tells SF we said no and how much she loves him and how he should take her out when she comes home. So to not be outdone we often are behind in bills due to the constant need to buy them things for their affection. SS is the same way and even jumps in the couch with his shoes, tells me to shut up and back talks. I refuse to watch his kids when he works and he works. By the way the step children have different mothers. SS BM calls everyday to have us take his son but still get a CS check and he says I should feel sorry for her because she has four other kids with four other men! And who's fault is that? Help, please I am starting to be emotionless when it comes to them and really am considering moving out. I have talked to hubby about this and every time he says there will be change but reverts bk to submit beneath their will anyway or tells them to ask me so I can say no and be the big bad mean SM.To me they are nothing more than bills and I know this sounds ulgy but I need help! I want them to love me but more than that respect me. We have no kids together(I have none at all) and I'm not trying to take the place of their mothers. I often feel alone when they come to visit because the take over my whole place I can't even watch TV and when all this gets to me I go in our room. Then Hubby's mad at me. How do I express this to him and go from his kids to OUR kids because I know they will be in my life for the rest of our lives(marriage) and to help him see he can fight for the rights to ensure the CS checks are used for the kids, they shouldnt always have clothes with holes or too little shoes.
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Comments
I totally understand where
I totally understand where you're coming from. I do. But he does not have the right to know how the CS is being spent. The BM is under no obligation (if they live in the US) to tell him or provide evidence.
They will never be "our kids" because they have a mom and a dad. It sounds like it's time to take a step back and disengage.
Also, spending bill money on restaurants is ridiculous. Please stop spending your money on his kids. Sounds like you might be needing it more than them in the near future.
I'll take a crack at this
I'll take a crack at this one. How often do skids come over?
1) Girl on couch and trash:
Get a plastic cover for your couch when she is there. No one is to remove it but you. If it's removed, then think about selling couch and getting a cheaper/disposable one. I would not risk this personally and a cheaper, but still ok looking couch is better than a trashed one. Sometimes "we cannot have nice things" because of skids. There's a reason my glassware and serveware comes from a thrift store and "new" things are generally used items from garage sales.
Trash, gather it up and put it in her bedroom or insist your husband take care of it and stand there until he does. Do not clean up after her. Take control of the general living space. Figure out what you can and can't live with, i.e. what you can disengage from and what you can't.
2) What is she stealing? LOCK things up. I have locks on several cabinets in the house and for personal items. If your husband is not hammering her down on that take control of it yourself.
3) Your SD sneaking out? Not your issue. Ignore. The parents should be dealing with that. Same with her clothing. Ignore. Don't buy anything for her.
4) You don't buy food specifically for her. She chooses not to eat what is made or eat what's in the house then not your issue. You don't give $ for special choices. You can contribute to general food like a reasonable amount of things like bread, milk, eggs, but if she wants Nutella? Nope. Not buying it.
5) You are behind in bills b/c your husband isn't spending appropriately? Split your bills and your accounts immediately if you have only joint accounts. Each of you contribute an appropriate $ to them (he should pay more into it than you) and bills get paid from there. Anything else is yours and his to spend as you would like/need.
6) Kid telling YOU to shut up? This is something I would not disengage from. Immediate action. Wifi shut down, take phone away, no games, no nothing - to room alone. And if your husband does nothing, then you never, ever help that skid again. You don't talk to them or do anything for them. No respect = no help.
7) Ignore BM and issues. Period. Don't talk to husband about it unless he ASKS you. And if he asks you then clarify with him that he really wants your opinion (and does he really want to hear it) or he just wants to vent. You don't have any involvement in CS or how it's spent. Ignore it.
Don't panic and think rationally. Read, read, read this site.
Ask questions.
Use paragraphs.
Read the book Stepmonster.
^^^^^THIS!^^^^^ All of it.
^^^^^THIS!^^^^^
All of it.
I likethe plastic on the
I likethe plastic on the couch! Lol less comfy more up in her own room.
why not just ditch the couch
why not just ditch the couch and replace with metal folding chairs? i'd also get rid of the carpet or rug so the floor is less comfo-uhhhh i mean easier to clean. }:)
Metal chairs! I love
Metal chairs! I love it.
LOL!
I'd do that if I needed to. Seriously.
This sounds like he is a
This sounds like he is a classic Disney Dad. The Bio Mom seems like she doesn't care at all. Maybe that has to do with the fact she has so many children by so many different men. Your situation isn't going to clear up at all unless your husband does something about it. I would not be disrespected one more time by her, if she tells you to shut up you shut that down immediately.
You are screwed unless hubby steps in and becomes the Dad he needs to be. I would talk with him and make it very clear what your feelings are. If he doesn't want to reason with you and meet you in the middle you might need to leave him. Last resort of course.
She is here every weekend and
She is here every weekend and is stealing money, perfume and electronic devices phones tablets doesn't matter she lies in living color. I will attempt counseling
I hope that will also help him see that he doesn't have to buy them things to keep their affection. Thanks all