my wife said her kids come first

Except, he's not a kid. Did he lose his job? He should be taking any job he can get and get a roommate if he can't afford to live on his own.

So, no discussion, no rules (such as look for a job instead of sleeping and hanging out with buddies), no exit plan or anything, wife just says if you don't like it, you can move out?

Tempting.

So move out. :?

She has made it crystal clear that she isn't going change anything to please you.

yep that situation sucks. Can you have a conversation with the ss and ask him what his plans are, see if you can help him get some motivation to get independent again?

You have various options. You can either try to get ss and your wife on board and get him a plan for moving out and maybe offer some assistance in job hunting, hopefully he has some pride and doesn't really want to be there and will welcome some assistance. You could try to make life at home very uncomfortable for him so that he wants to move out and into his own place. If he is resistant to moving on then you could persuade his mother that the best thing for him is to re-establish his independence and work out a plan with her to push him into a job and out of your house. If you own the house you might be able to get an eviction notice to kick him out (but expect your wife may follow him if you do this). You could give her an ultimatum (me or the kid) but realize that she will probably choose him. You could stay quiet and wait until your wife gets fed up of him being around and she starts to do something towards getting him out (might take a while).

My chest is hurting just thinking about this.
I went through the same exact thing except it was my husband's adult son and his other adult son & girlfriend.

My then fiance kept saying the sons were just going to be there temporarily and everyone tried to make me feel like the bad person for not wanting them there.
I finally realized that I was just getting words to shut me up.

I told my fiance that I couldn't stay in a relationship where I was supporting the lazy behavior of grown men and that I was outta here.
This hit especially hard because I had grown children who were young adults and were doing more for themselves than his 35 - 47 year old sons were doing.

Just out of curiosity, do you have any children? How long have you been married?
I think your wife is making it clear that her kids come before you. You don't have to accept that.

Talk with your wife about a launch plan. You want to help SS and the best way I'd provide some guidelines such as time period allowed to stay, 3 or 6 months.

If your wife doesn't agree to this then you can come second to an adult living with you or move out.

Where was this mama manchild ten months ago?

Did you move in with new wife, her with you or buy a home together?

If your SS is 38, you must be in your 60's? Who supports your household? Does your wife work or have her own pension/savings etc that is as much as you have?

If not, why are you supporting your SS? who for all intents and purposes is a middle aged male. If this is the case, you are being used as a meal ticket/

If I was you, I would have a come to jesus meeting with your wife- SS leaves now, or she does (assuming it is your home). You can recover from such a short marriage just fine.

Ahhhh. The dreaded statement. "My kids come first". Why on earth get married if you feel this way? No need to promise to put a spouse above all other and then fail at doing so. Sorry u have to deal with this. U have some thinking to do

DH and I agreed when we first got together, that no other adult would live with us. It's too hard on a relationship and it rarely goes well, whether it be a friend or a relative.

I'm sorry that your wife does not value your relationship and marriage more than she does.

ss30 pulled this early in DH and I's marriage. One day he shows up, announces he's "homeless" and pulls out the futon. Apparently he quit his job, couldn't pay his share of rent yet always had money for weed. At first I was ok with it thinking this would be temporary and that he could help DH w/the yard and projects around the house. I am so funny! This kidultling stayed up all night gaming, slept all day, and the few times I saw him awake he was stoned and eating. After 10 days I told DH no more, so ss went elsewhere. Then the "sleepovers" for "just one night" started. ss would beg DH to let him sleep on the futon for "just one night" ...that turned into three.

I finally told DH that I married him, not his son. No more, this all had to stop. After several bouts of fighting, trying to guilt me, blame me, accuse me of hating his son and on and on...DH finally listened. He continued to financially support ss30 for years and I think there are still money transfers here and there but he is not crashing here anymore!

Your wife is selfish, enabling and not doing her son any favors. Sad that she is coddling an almost 40 yr old man.

That is shocking, to say you should move out of your OWN home for having an issue with a lazy manchild under your roof!! I would be furious, don't listen to 'family' - I bet they are all her family... I am in this position (have no family of my own) and it is so hard when all my family call me selfish, then I realise they are related to my SS and not me. Stay strong and look at the facts - help is appropriate if as a stepping stone, a true 'helping hand' - if it is enabling a selfish, lazy lifestyle then your wife is helping no-one but her own (lazy) mothering.

Move out. Chances are she doesn't think you will do it. I think you should do it and only consider going back AFTER the kid is firmly off on his own and away. File an annulment if your state allows that or for divorce. It usually takes 12 months for a divorce to go through (at least it does where I am from) so if she makes changes you can end the separation trial and move back. Be fully prepared to leave and never look back, but why would you? This is a nightmare. There is nothing more annoying than a dependent man-child saying he is a "man" but acting like a thirteen year old boy.

Stop talking, and take action.

Cut off the flow of your money into the household. Open new accounts in only your name, and cancel all joint accounts and credit cards. If she wants him, she can support him.