You are here

I "have" to pay for what???? Feeling selfish but tired of paying for everything

KarrieC's picture

I want to start out by saying that this shit is hard no matter if you love the kids with all your heart or they are a pain in the ass. It goes both ways here, it's really good much of the time but this shit is still HARDER then I EVER imagined it would be. GGGGGG!!!!!

As a family, we are big snowboarders (I'm the only skier). My DH and I have skied since we were in grade school and my son started snowboarding when he was 7, he's now 13. My son and I spend more time on the mountain then anyone else because I'm self employed and I love the one on one time with him. My bonus kids have one year of snowboarding under their belts, they love it but they still need lessons or its not fun going with them at all. I do look forward to getting them up to speed so we can let them go ride with my son because we know what a bonding experience that is. DH and I get to go w/o kids a lot too which is just as awesome as going with my son for me. We only live 1 hour from Loveland resort and its an easy drive Smile

This is not a cheep hobby, its' worse with growing kids because they need new equipment yearly / bi-annualy. Even affordable season passes are 450 for adults and 170 for the kids. We get a good deal on a season pass and 3 full day lessons for $330 a season which is what the bonus kids need - I hope this is the last year they need lessons.

DH is in school full time and only bringing in $1000 a month until the end of December but then the job hunt will start - he is IT turned programmer. I have always brought in 70% of our household income which is why he went back to school. This is HARD - so freaking hard because money is a security issue for me and a big trigger. I am self employed but by no means am I "well off". I pay our bills, mortgage, buy good food and the kids have everything they truly need with a treat once in a while. I am also able to save a little money each month for the most part but outside of this one totally luxury, I am pretty frugal (almost overly frugal at times).

BUT....

I did say I would buy season passes for everyone this year as long as I got an extra chuck of money in which came in. As the hands keep reaching out for more and more I don't want to do anything now. Now, DH wants me to budget 250 plus per kid for xmas. They won't be here on Christmas morning and their mothers (2 baby moms Sad ) both spend a LOT. My son is always with me and his because of that his dad won't buy him anything but a single small gift which my son is always grateful for. So... I spend 250-300 per kid and they get another $200-$300 in gifts from their individual moms and my son gets only what I give him. My son also doesn't need snowboarding lessons so his pass is only $170. I just don't think this is all MY responsibility..... I don't think my love or dedication should be linked or measured by IF or how much I provide financially for kids that aren't mine and don't even live with us. I feel like I need to spend less on my son so I can spoil 2 kids that are rarely here, who's mothers GET child support from my DH (plus half of sports, medical, all of clothes and so forth which isn't even court ordered)

I am SOOOOO torn on this. I am already out of my comfort zone but I did say I would get these IF this money came in and it did. Both kids are spoiled and stubble with basic responsibility, however, DH has done wondrous things to reign that in within our home. DH can see something he doesn't use and easily pay for part of these passes but he is taking this SO personal. He is really upset because he feels that I have some sort of disattachment to his kids when it comes to money. I do everything to give them whatever I give my son and at times even more. He said that he would do anything for my son which is true but my son also lives with us full time and DH and DS are crazy close. DH feels guilty often because he has such a connection with my son, they even play the same sports, look alike and have similar personalities plus my son loves and respects his step day in every way. My SDD9 and I are close for the most part but she is weird with thanking or hugging me so I just grab her, tickle / kiss her till she can't stop giggling - we do talk a lot and enjoy each others company tons. My SDS loves me but he's an awkward teenaged boy. We really do have it pretty good and it would be great if they would just respect their dad, money and our home a little more. I also need DH to make sacrifices so its not just me making them to support his kids.

Maybe I need to just suck it up and pay for it because I know its the best thing for our family and I already told the kids I'm doing it BUT I really hope DH will sell his unused macbook pro or another valuable thing he doesn't use. Damn, I seriously CAN'T WAIT till school is over and he has a job!!!!

hereiam's picture

I wouldn't spend that kind of money on them, that's ridiculous. It's also ridiculous for your husband to expect you to.

KarrieC's picture

My Step daughters mom is a gold digging whore - and that is being nice LOL. She can afford full body tattoos and non stop new clothes but can't afford to buy her child clothes. She has been telling everyone I am a total rich bitch that won't do anything for HER (the mom!!!) I used to be a high end super expensive professional photographer and Im still crazy good so as a gift from us I took her daughters senior photos and gave her a $1200 custom album (my cost was $200)! Her daughter saw my house and told her mom I'm rich. I buy her daughter clothes and send them to her moms house so she has decent clothes.... This woman trapped my DH when they were together, telling him they didn't need protection because she had her tubes tied. He believed her and she was pregnant a few months after they moved in together which made his DS baby number 3 from 3 different men. DH said that if her tubes were really tied then maybe she didn't want kids and would consider aborting (not my thing but neither is tricking men to get more support LOL) He learned in a dr appt that she never had her tubes tied and was told the dr she that they were trying to get pregnant!!!

He was laid off when his DS was born and she started cheering with another man. Since then she averages 5 men a year and this sweet little girl is sleeping at their homes a few weeks later. A few years ago she told me she hope she has tons of men that give her money and buy her things like her mom - WTF???? It made me cry! Now I include her on business stuff all the time, she even meets my clients and sees what I do and how happy I am - I hope I am teaching her that she can do anything she wants and make good money; she can find a man for love because she will make her own financial magic. Her mom is the reason she feels weird hugging me even though we are so close.

The other mom is really nice and we get along well. I just sent her a photo of my sons old snowboard and told her her younger son can have it but that I really can't afford to pay for the full pass and would still like to see him have one. There is hope there!

KarrieC's picture

Durango? Maybe you're in Colorado too!

Yes, its the saddest thing to see a child be used this way. I fought SO hard for my son and he is my life outside of DH. I had a mom that put that stuff in front of me, a step dad that hated me and became terribly abusive while my mom defended him; there is NO WAY I will be that step parent or parent. I also need to keep my own sanity so I am the parent these kids all need.

What IS wrong with women that get pregnant to trap a man??? For me that was the first time in 3 years I stood up to her - I won't be called all of those things; I know who I am and won't take that BS

Cover1W's picture

No - not your responsibility.
I don't think you should argue with him.
Sit down, w/out kid(s) around and go over finances, calmly.
State what, as a non-parent, you are willing to pay for. Keep it positive.

Have a plan; for instance, DH and I split the mortgage because we both wanted a bigger house for various reasons and I agreed it was worth it for everyone. I don't purchase all the groceries and I don't pay for internet access. I don't pay for their clothes unless I want to get something extra for them. DH knows this.

You are not responsible for paying for everything you are right now. You are very generous but it can't continue (obviously).

If you have to cut back on extra activities, so be it.
Lots of us have to. We can't afford to take the SDs cross-country skiing this year. They know it and they know why. They will survive.

KarrieC's picture

Thanks for your advice! DH usually does good if I give him space to think for a few days after the first talk and then he gets on my same page - he really struggles with kid guilt but he refuses to lose me over the kids. He knows his kids are messed up and we have to just hold our ground together which is what brought them where they are now. We just keep moving forward but its still so hard to have step kids and I wish it wasn't. I just need to search my own heart on what I want to do or if I still do it how to stand my ground moving forward; I am NOT doing an extravagant xmas AND seasons passes for SURE lol

CANYOUHELP's picture

No, life is not equal..it is not..if you work hard for your money, and make more money than the bio parents-- then your own child should benefit more, he has a BM to rely on or not, not your problem...but whatever, just stop....

Stop paying for everybody, it is not thought of as a gift by your husband---in doing so, he now expects you to support HIS kids too...

Indigo's picture

Just remember that in order to be "fair," things do not need to be financially equal. DH may need to re-evaluate his expectations for his kids during the holidays. (Craigslist is great.) It's good that you are honestly assessing how you feel before you invest serious bucks and wind up quietly resentful later.

Aside: I like to rent equipment for growing kids --- constantly improving technology and safety features are a biggie. I have a friend who rents his kids equipment by the season & it works for them.

A-Basin opens tomorrow. Let it snow, let it snow ...!!

FieryEscape's picture

Money is one of the biggest stressors in blended life. You should only pay for things you want to ....feeling obligated to be the ATM in a relationship is the fastest way to build resentment. It's not your job to spoil his kids . The world won't end if they don't get everything your DH thinks they should.

Acratopotes's picture

seriously? why are you paying for skids? You are not responsible for them Hon.....

You keep on doing what you and your son does, if skids want to join in you simply say - you will have to talk to Dad and mom about it, and let it go.....Sorry but I will not support a guy in school, is he working part time at least, and I sure as hell will not contribute to his kids pleasures, if their parents can't afford it boo hoo - that's life...

I will also not stop my kid from doing it, just because skids parents can't afford doing it...

hereiam's picture

That's true about the tickets but he has no right to dictate what SHE spends on HIS kids for Christmas.

Even with the tickets, he should try to come up with some money to pay for his own kids.

KarrieC's picture

I totally get where you're coming from. I should clear this up though; He is working part time from 4am to 7am before school starts and then going to school. It's a full immersion programing school from 8am until 6pm with a drive time of over an hour one way, 5 days a week. He also has 20-40 hours of homework a week. I'm super proud of him and this was a joint decision that I fully support - it cost more then a 2 year degree at a community college LOL. The school guarantees a job starting at 80k a year within 3 months or they refund tuition - they have people waiting in line for the students at the end of the program. This is the top program in the country and they accept less then 10% of applicants. Its a great move for our family.

Thank being said... I don't want to be stuck paying for both ski passes and an overdone xmas for kids who aren't even with us on xmas. I think we could do a nice gift but it shouldn't be like Santa came to both houses for 2 of the 3 kids Sad and after I pay for everything my son is the only one that gets half of what the other kids get AND he's the only one that tells me not to go overboard because he really has everything he needs Sad

KarrieC's picture

I've thought about that also. I believe we get extra kids lift tickets for $25 each with another season pass.

We lucked out on new equipment for his kids this year and bought almost everything when Sports Authority was going out of business - It was CRAZY awesome! I am also giving SDS's little brother my Ds's old snowboard so they don't need to buy him one and will hopefully split that pass with us....

My issue is feeling like "I have to" pay for both parents portions; I am only committed to helping DH with what is fair on his part and within (my) reason. I get fed up doing certain things, I'm really only responsible for my son because I have full custody of him. I love to give to all the kids, I love to light up their world, but when I start feeling like I don't have a choice, then I don't want to do anything. I also know myself and I will get excited and do more then is normal but that is MY choice which makes it so different. Until the my SDS BM starts demanding things, refuses to meet us half way on the one hour drive between homes or tells everyone, including my SDS that I am a bitch (she has NEVER ONCE drove all the way to our house, yet we have to 80% of the time - grrr! - another vent LOL)

The reality is this: I want to do it and at the same time I feel like its too much of an "expectation" - these women claim the kids ever year, even if its DHs year and we just let it slide. I seriously LOVE these kids and I want the best for them, but its not always fair to expect me to provide the best for them when they don't live with us. DH will be asking the court for primary custody of his DS after he's out of school which I welcome; it is so much better for his DS then living in moms revolving men/money ghetto home - I think it will end a lot of the BM issues we have that create most of the problems. I believe that their lives are much more rich all around because of my relationship with heir dad and I know I do way more then the average person would do but I lose my shit when I feel this way. I wish I could find a happy balance.