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moeilijk's picture

http://myfox8.com/2015/08/18/do-kids-deserve-a-trophy-just-for-showing-up/

ATLANTA — Whoa, who knew the debate over participation trophies — those awards children get just for showing up and playing sports — would strike such a chord?

After NFL linebacker James Harrison took to Instagram this weekend, announcing he would be sending back the trophies his sons, 6 and 8, received “until they earn a real trophy,” parents on social media responded in droves, with the majority applauding Harrison, who plays for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Former NFL Super Bowl champ Kurt Warner, on Twitter, stood fully with Harrison. “They don’t let kids pass classes 4 just showing up,” Warner wrote.

On the other side are parents such as Whit Honea, a father of two sons, 9 and 12, who participate in sports, and author of “The Parents’ Phrase Book: Hundreds of Easy, Useful Phrases, Scripts, and Techniques for Every Situation.”

While Honea, who has also coached sports, doesn’t believe trophies are necessary, he does believe they reward effort, not the final outcome.

“The idea of a participatory trophy is not to make everyone a winner, but to acknowledge that the child put time and effort forward and to provide a memento of the experience,” said Honea on Facebook.

“Having a child return the trophy compounds the idea that only being the best is good enough when in fact giving one’s best should have that mantle.”

My girls, 7 and 9, get a trophy at the end of every soccer season. The impromptu ceremony includes a cheer for the effort of each gal on the team and then each parent trying to get a quick photo of his or her child before the kids go off and play.

What could possibly be wrong with celebrating my girls’ effort as long as we, as parents, aren’t holding them back from making mistakes and learning from disappointments, such as losing a key game or missing a goal?

[Are there d]angers of an ‘everyone gets a trophy’ culture?

Ashley Merryman, co-author of “Top Dog: The Science of Winning and Losing,” says there are many reasons to be concerned about the “everyone gets a trophy no matter what” culture.

“The idea was if we give kids trophies, if we tell them they’re wonderful, if we tell them they’re special, they’ll sort of develop a sense of fearlessness and then they’ll actually be more willing to do difficult things, and actually we now have about 20 years of research that shows that’s not true,” said Merryman.

“That if you tell a kid they’re wonderful and they believe you, then it just confirms their belief and that’s not about healthy self-esteem, that’s about narcissism.”

In fact, a study earlier this year found that children whose parents overvalued them were more likely to develop narcissistic traits, such as superiority and entitlement — two qualities that aren’t necessarily going to benefit our kids when the going gets rough.

Another concern about participation trophies, said Merryman, who wrote a New York Times op-ed “Losing is Good for You,” is that they don’t give our kids room to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes.

“It’s fine to say … ‘You didn’t go to all of the games. You didn’t practice soccer. The other kid worked really hard and he did really well and he deserves a trophy and you should go over and congratulate him.’ That’s a hard lesson, but it’s an important lesson,” she said.

“So I would rather have kids realize that there are no stakes and they can make mistakes and move on then have them find out the first time in their lives, when they are in their teens and 20s, that not everyone is going to give them a trophy.”

The business of participation trophies

I’ve certainly reported on how so-called helicopter parenting can lead our kids to be less confident and more troubled adults. And the rise in participation trophies is no doubt somewhat connected to our modern and sometimes overinvolved parenting style.

Hilary Levey Friedman, author of “Playing to Win: Raising Children in a Competitive Culture,” said there are many parents who want these participation trophies and that the people who run the camps and classes need to provide them to keep their businesses going.

“In most cases, this is going to go in the opposite direction. Someone is going to say, ‘Why didn’t my child get a trophy?’ and they don’t want the kids to be upset, they want people to come back … and so it just sort of becomes part of what’s expected,” said Levey Friedman, a professor of American Studies at Brown University.

After interviews with 37 children for her book, she found kids to be “super savvy” when it comes to their trophies, including what they got them for and why.

“I had one child who would say to me about several of them. ‘Well, I kind of purposely played in this easier one because I knew I would win and now I don’t really count that as a real victory because I went in and I knew it was below my level,’ ” said Levey Friedman.

“And so kids know. They definitely know and so that’s a dangerous thing to just think, ‘Oh, you are going to get something all the time and everybody has to be a winner’ because then how do you exist later on in life?”

But I keep thinking about my girls: they don’t play soccer because they get a trophy. They play because they love the sport. And the trophy pretty much just gathers dust on their shelves. The real thing they care about is the game itself, which is where we, as a family, like to keep the focus, on the effort they put in and how it felt afterward.

Putting participation trophies in perspective

Mark Hyman, whose books include “America’s Obsession with Youth Sports and How It Harms Our Kids,” said there are many reasons to be concerned about the future of youth sports, citing a 70% drop-out rate for children in organized sports by 13, concussions in youth football, lacrosse and soccer, and the high cost and professionalization of sports.

“And 6-year-old children getting participation trophies to me is not a problem that deserves a lot of our attention or concern,” said Hyman, who is also author of “The Most Expensive Game in Town: The Rising Cost of Youth Sports and the Toll on Today’s Families.”

Merryman, the co-author of “Top Dog,” said she doesn’t see it as an “either/or conversation” and believes parents’ strong feelings about participation trophies can perhaps lead to more conversations about youth sports in general, including how many sports kids are playing and the mental and physical impact of today’s sports culture on our kids.

All sides would agree that what parents should be seeking from youth sports is for kids to become passionate about playing sports, to be active and spend time with their friends. Sports should not be seen as a “career path to the Steelers or Harvard Law School or to the White House,” said Hyman, who is also an assistant teaching professor of management for the George Washington University Sports Management Program.

When you view sports as just a healthy part of growing up, there’s nothing really threatening about a 6-year-old getting a trophy, he added.

“I don’t know anyone who is successful in life or has been unsuccessful in life who has been in some ways set back by having received a participation trophy as a 6-year-old,” he said. “I have a feeling that Jon Stewart got participation trophies, Barack Obama got participation trophies. It just doesn’t add up to me that this is some big developmental obstacle for children.”

Comments

Stepped in what momma's picture

I fully agree, no trophy for showing up. Trophy's are for, you know, the winners---1st, 2nd and 3rd place people. You are not going to be good at everything you do, not now, not later so why reward for showing up??

What happens when these constantly rewarded children go to work?? The real world doesn't give you a trophy for coming to work.

There was a great segment on Real Sports on this same subject and what the trophies actually do to the children's development. Check it out.

Glassslipper's picture

My daughter got trophies and ribbons for showing up when she was little.

Now she has a large wall display with all her metals and trophies that she earned, she won't put her "participation" ones up there. She only displays her earned ones, per her choice.

I think even kids know a trophy is something you earned for going above and beyond the standard and working hard to succeed.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I respect Kurt Warner for standing up for his beliefs and for actually having a parenting philosophy.

And no, I don't believe in handing out trophies for participation. I do believe in raising up children of good character and coping skills. Learning to deal with disappointment is a big part of that.

Tuff Noogies's picture

"no child left behind"... UGH. this is the only reason yss made it to middle school and oss made it to senior year.

as far as "participation" awards, meh. might be ok in elementary schl, but once they start doing real tryouts they need to back off the award just for being there to play.

PrincessCupcake's picture

Aren't the friendships built during spending time with one's team so much more important than any participation trophy?

In high school I played volleyball (community center, not for the school) and was in orchestra. Especially when it came to volleyball, we never received a participation trophy. Our recognition was the camaraderie, the team photos (formal and not), the ruined knee pads at the end of a season showing how much dedication we put into playing. Those were the things that mattered. For orchestra, even when we competed and placed, as individuals we didn't get trophies, only certificates, or an extra pin to put on our letterman's jacket. Once again, it wasn't about the trophy. It was about the love for music, just knowing we did well, and the friendships.

To me, participation trophies are ridiculous. Team photos are all that's needed, and if coaches absolutely feel it's necessary, a certificate. Save the trophies for those who have placed and won them. And to be totally honest, some sports don't need trophies at all, unless you get to a state wide or nation wide play off. Which at a young age isn't going to happen. Parents are putting way to much emphasis on their kid's sports.

Maxwell09's picture

Me and DH talked about this this morning on the way to his work. I feel two ways about it: firstly I do not think kids should get awards for mediocre participation because that will lead to entitlement. The kids who really work hard should get the awards because if ole Stevie sits in back field picking daisies while Sam is running from home plate to catch his fly balls then it's going to discourage Sam to try hard. I mean as an adult my co workers don't get a raise just because I did a great job and got one. That's not how real life works so we shouldn't raise our kids to expect "participation awards" for anything. It's called Life, be mediocre or be great but don't expect things to be handed to you. The other way I feel is that trophies are really for the parents. It shows ole Stevie was on this team in year whatever. It's different than a picture on the wall or a baseball but it holds the same value. I played one inning in tball and quit because I couldn't fit a helmet over my obnoxious bow, but at the end of the season I got a trophy. My mom put it with my brothers (who actually played) but the trophy was for her to show off and remind her of how I quit. She loves this story. I wouldn't want to take that memory from my mom, it means a lot to her but to me ehhhh I could care less. It means nothing to me because I knew my participation level was daisy picking. Now that I am a parent I will accept the measly participation trophy my kids bring home but it will be pushed to the back shelf and not be shrined upon. I expect effort and dedication to whatever they chose to do and THOSE are the awards I will put on the shelf.

CupAjoe's picture

This isn't new. I'm 31 and we've used to get trophies at the end of every season for participating...and other ones for winning playoffs and such. I think the difference is now they don't even keep score in half of the kids sports and we want every kid to never have to feel bad or learn what losing is. It's so stupid, kids need to know life isn't fair and there are often winners and losers. More often than not, you have to earn what you have and not wait for it to come to you just because you're in this game of life. My kids are in sports where if you don't win, you go home empty handed and you must earn everything. It's sometimes hard to watch as a parent, but in the end the lessons they learn from losing are far greater than the ones they learn(or don't learn)from getting feel-good handouts. I've seen some pretty brutal let-downs, but it's shaping those kids.

moeilijk's picture

Some of the most important lessons about winners and losers is that events or circumstances don't define a person, that "winning" can include helping others or being part of a team, and that there's ALWAYS another game/chance.

I think those lessons are more important than avoiding feeling bad.