Is SD too close to her stepdad?
My SD is 13 yrs old and we've had our fair share of problems between us and I'm certain more will come. Since she was about 6 her mom has had the same boyfriend. This last year SD has been living with us as her mom does not have a place to live because she either doesn't pay her rent or she gets kicked out for not getting along with family or friends that take her in.
Anyway certain things have got me concerned about SD'S relationship with her mom's boyfriend.
It probably started about 3-4 years ago. SD mentioned that she calls her mom's boyfriend "dad". Not too big of a deal and not really my business anyway.
He often babysitting her when she gets home from school.
He loses his job for drug use and sits at home with many visitors while blowing glass in garage.
SD comes over for visit and has laundry needing done. I find underwear black laced and frilly. I have concerns over it being much too mature for an 11 year old. When gently asked about it she said she must have accidently grabbed some of her mom's laundry.
Her mom's bf is arrested for selling heroin. SD tells me first thing he does after getting out of jail is walks in door, goes right to her hugging her and crying. He sobs to her how sorry he is and knows he let her down.
I don't remember if this next event came before or after his arrest but she tells her biodad that she has a friend being sexually molested by their stepdad. She was unwilling to go further on the subject.
He is in prison now and sends her letters. She gets very excited when she gets one. The most recent letter came yesterday. She left it on the kitchen counter. He calls her his "loving daughter" and mentions how he "loves her deeply". It seems like a very positive letter though going on about how proud he is of her and such.
What do you think? I'm just a step-parent. If something is going on... I don't know what to do.
Trust you gut and get this
Trust you gut and get this girl in therapy.
I just got her into therapy
I just got her into therapy with the school. Not sure if that subject will be approached but her dad told the counselor he had concerns about it so...maybe it will get discussed.
There isn't any hard
There isn't any hard evidence. Not much for CPS to work with.
The other odd thing about it is that for most of her upbringing was Biodad. He had custody until she was like 6. Her mom was never around but she went to treatment and did so good he let the kids stay with her for the summer. Then he met me and the economy went bad so she put them into school and then filed for custody. He gave it up without a fight. Two years later her dad and I have our own child and SD was no longer the golden child that got everything all the time. She was very jealous of me and her new sister. This would be an opportune time for him to make her feel very special. I might be reaching but these letters are weird how they drip with love and positive encouragement. Not like that's bad but too much of something can be scary.
If he were a normal
If he were a normal law-abiding citizen I would say that he's just an overly-loving stepdad but the fact that he has all these other drug issues makes me wonder. Many people do terrible sketchy things when they are under the influence. I say trust your instincts and start recording what the girl says about him so you can have a professional determine what is normal and not normal relationship between a stepdad and his stepdaughter.
Is it legal to record her
Is it legal to record her talk about him?
If this guy has a past with
If this guy has a past with drugs etc I would not want my child over there when he gets out of jail. A court would order supervised visits or that this man not be around while the child is with her mother. I know this for a fact because when my child was small I had sort of a similar situation with someone getting out of prison and he had to have supervised visits for a long time. of course that is up to your hubby.. but if it were me I would not want my child around this man with that kind of background. Heck no.. how does your hubby feel about it.. No way in hell I would let my kid be around that man.
Of course he has never liked
Of course he has never liked him. I was kind of surprised that he told the school counselor that he thought the relationship she has with her stepdad is strange when that's the same thing i told the counselor. We hadnt discussed it together yet. The first time i tried to show him a letter he wouldnt look at it. He said it was private and between them what they talk about. I will snoop and all the kids know it. Its not very often I do but I think it needs to be done every now and then. Im not going to read her diary or anything but a letter left out in the open from a non related grown man to a teenage girl? To me that is worth investigating.
Stay out of it, you can only
Stay out of it, you can only talk to DH about it and encourage him to do something about it, but you can't call CPS, you can't do a thing about it, it's not your child.
I agree but don't agree. I
I agree but don't agree. I know it's not my child but I feel like I have a moral obligation to protect any child from sexual abuse. I've done the primary prevention program Darkness to Light from the Stewards of Children but they only educate you on who, how, when it happens, how to prevent it and most importantly how to respond if a child discloses the abuse to you. I guess if SD decides to tell me then I can get her dad to act. My relationship with her as a step mom could really work against her getting help when and if this surfaces.
That'if we get to the mailbox
That'if we get to the mailbox first and he would just do what he did before and thats to send the letter to BM to give to her. Her mom encourages the relationship. If SD has any complaints about him to her mom then BM is like "But we love ______!" BM insists they support him. Her mom was even considering moving across the state closer to the prison he's in.