My boyfriend's ex is crazy!!! I need advice!
My boyfriend met a woman five years ago and she was pregnant. He felt sorry for her and befriended her and to make a long story short, they fell in love. He decided to play the role of "dad" to her child once she was born. The honeymoon stage wore off and in two years she showed her true colors. She became violent toward him (he has scars on his body from where she has scratched him, etc.) and still allowed her to stay in his home until she found a place to move. She moved out but then wanted him back a few months later. They decided to work on things and after she moved back in, she said she was pregnant again. He had hoped it was his baby but sure enough, it wasn't. So now there were two children (neither child had a father that wanted anything to do with them because of the mother) and she knew he would play the role of dad to both. They broke up and he met me 2 years later.
He and I have a great relationship. The only arguments we have are in regards to his ex or her children "aka his kids"(that aren't biologically his.) I admire the fact that he wants to help out two kids who wouldn't have a father otherwise. However, the mom is crazy. She has "taken" the kids away from him multiple times saying "you aren't their dad". He is only allowed to see them when she works (so he is a free babysitter) and if he can't do it, she won't let him see the kids for months at a time. Basically she uses her children as leverage. It's disgusting. His father has wiped his hands clean of her and her children (as soon as he found out the second child was not biologically his son's child), however, my boyfriend's mom just adores his ex's children but cannot stand her. I also feel that I need to add he has no legal rights to the children. He helps her financially but doesn't pay a regular child support.We have consulted many attorneys trying to get rights to the children.
The kids and I have had a great relationship. They love me and I love them as well. But there are times where I wish he wouldn't allow his ex to take such advantage of him. Sometimes I wish he would walk away from the mess. The kids are now 5 and 2. It's so unfair and it hurts every time I have to watch him hurt from not being able to see the kids. She claims she doesn't need him, etc but then the minute she needs a babysitter, she calls. Oh and of course she says shes letting him see the kids to be nice, not because she needs him. Yeah right.
This woman has wrecked havoc on our lives. She's made threats to get restraining orders (because he texts asking if he can see the kids), threatened our careers (she's a waitress so she has no idea what it's like to have a bachelor's degree and an established career), tried to sabotage our relationship, showed up at holiday events to cause a scene, called me an obscene amount of curse words (I've never spoken to her)etc. The fact is she doesn't have to be around but she will not go away as long as she can take advantage of someone else.
I feel like she is now trying to get the kids to be mean to me. The other day, his "daughter" said her mom didn't like me. I didn't say a word back to her. I don't ever want her to hear me speak negatively about her mom. Luckily my boyfriend heard her and spoke to his ex about it. She claims she didn't know why she said that. The next time I saw his "daughter" she said I was ugly. She later told her dad that she said my shirt was ugly, not me. Mmmmm hmmmm.
We have been together for a year and I recently found out I am expecting a baby. (It IS his baby! LOL His ex is trashy.) I'm unsure on what to do. I'm afraid she will take the kids away again when she finds out I'm having a baby. I'm afraid she will have her daughter (who is 5) try to "accidentally" hurt me because she's hit me and kicked me before but she was just "playing". I'm afraid his "kids" will hurt my child once he/she gets here. I'm afraid my boyfriend will resent our child if she does take her kids away from him.
Are these irrational fears? Is his ex going to continue to wreck havoc on our lives? Do I leave this situation (by breaking up with my boyfriend) knowing I'm pregnant with his child? Advice would be appreciated.
I'm sorry but those are not
I'm sorry but those are not his kids. He has no legal rights so his ex will continue to do whatever she wants. This is s difficult situation but if it were me I would cut ties with the ex and the kids. They aren't his. They aren't yours and you are pregnant. Time for you SO to focus on you and HIS baby.
It's admirable that he wants
It's admirable that he wants to be a father figure for these kids and that you are willing to support him in that, however, these situations usually do not end well, for anyone involved. Especially with a high conflict bio mom.
She is not only hurting your BF by using the kids against him, she is hurting them. She is confusing them and causing chaos in their lives. Your BF is participating in that by keeping up the charade that he is their father. Sometimes the best thing someone can do for someone else, is to let them go.
The situation is also going to cause more and more problems in your relationship. He needs to cut ties, walk away, and focus on his future with you and the child that IS his.
I'm so sad for those kids and
I'm so sad for those kids and as everyone has said it is admirable of him to step up and be a father figure to them.
If BM was normal and there were only a few hiccups and the odd scheduling problem I'd say he should keep trying to be there for him.
However, she's not normal and she's going to mess up not only the kids and your boyfriends life, but yours and your baby's life. You need to protect your baby from this whole situation.
I would sit down with BF and ask him if he's will to sacrifice this child with you for those two.
Then be prepared to help him deal with the guilt he's going to feel because he's going to feel that he's let those kids down big time.
Omg these kids are someone
Omg these kids are someone else's!!!!
These children are not his!!!!!!!!
He needs to let go of them and let the situation become a 'distant memory'.
They are technically by law just his friends... This will never stand up in court.
The child's biofather is the only one with rights.
I think once your beautiful baby will come he will be changed just have faith, have faith that those 'kids' he feels obliged to will be a distant memory. Also don't ever let them refer to your baby as their sister. Start by changing the language you use around them and him. I.e don't say well dad will be here soon etc well ' Brad' will be back soon. Make the lines more defined through language.
If not working ,take your baby and say you are looking for somewhere else to work and live and that he can either join you and his real flesh and blood and ancestry or continue to be in a unhealthy karmic relationship with his ex and not bio children. The fact that this woman is doing this to her children is downright appalling. He has to let go. One day they will want their real father's and it won't be him.