Feeling guilty
Hi everyone...I'm new here. I have been with my FDH for 6 years and I have a SS11. Since we first got together, BM has made our lives a nightmare. On our first date, she found out where we were and turned up, shouted his name out across a crowded bar and text him calling him names for not "saying hello".
She constantly rings his mobile and our landline for no apparent reason, manipulates us into having SS11 for extra days (when FDH pays her child support) by telling SS we don't want to have him, when we want a night to ourselves and making SS distraught in the process and FDH feel guilty (for example, in the last fortnight he has been here 12 days and nights out of 14, but apparently we are selfish). On countless occasions, BM has phoned FDH ranting about me because of something I've said or done whilst SS has been at ours, when I have looked after him so she can go shopping with her friends etc and FDH has been at work.
SS has huge behavioural issues, which I think have been brought about through numerous house and school moves and his Mom having one relationship after the other. Both SS and BM have a huge sense of entitlement and have to be centre of attention constantly.
Last week, we were having a rare night off together with my family to celebrate my brother's birthday (SS had gone back to Moms after spending 5 days with us, Baring in mind, my FDH gives BM child support to cover us having him an agreed 2 NIGHTS a week) FDH got a phonecall from a distraught SS saying Mummy had to work tomorrow evening, can he stay with us. Our initial reaction was No because FDH had agreed weeks in advance with BM on which nights SS was coming and the following night was not one of them after having him the majority of the week. Cue the emotional blackmail.
The rest of the night resulted in constant phone calls and texts from SS and BM, saying what bad, selfish people we are and how dare we have a night to ourselves during school holidays etc.
FDH gave in (as usual) and this pissed me off because I had plans to have friends over which had to be cancelled so darling SS and BM got their own way.
FDH went home early after an argument so I proceeded to get drunk with my brother. I then foolishly wrote on facebook exactly what I thought of BM in not a very complimentary way.
I'm not friends with her on fb, but i had my settings as public and because she obviously examines my profile every hour, she saw it (the post was only on their for a couple of hours overnight).
The next day, World War 3 broke out and she called us every name under the sun. I sent her a long-winded text to apologise for the things I said (although, I meant every word) and she said if it was up to her, we'd never see SS again. A day later, he is back with us for 6 nights!!
Anyway, despite all this, I feel guilty for writing on fb what I did. I would NEVER write such horrid things about someone unless I had been pushed to the limit and in this case, after 6 years of BS, I let my emotions get the better of me.
What I suppose I want to know is has anyone else been pushed to their limit like this? I am more ashamed of showing myself up on social media than I am her but I still kind of feel guilty.
Ah, Facebook. You need to
Ah, Facebook. You need to lock you page up tight, girl. That's Steplife 101.
Many of us have snapped and done or said something to BM that we later regretted. But you're human. Sounds like you were frustrated and resentful after living this three ring circus life for too long. You apologized (a desire to keep the peace rather than regret? ;)), so move on.
It sounds like you have a high conflict BM. You cannot coparent with a HC parent (not that YOU should be, anyway) and parallel parenting is often recommended when dealing with them.
You don't say how old you are, but I have to ask the question - why are you choosing to live this way? You'll likely say that your SO is the most wonderful guy ever, and that your relationship is amazing, but the truth is that your guy made a baby with Crazy and is going to suffer for it for the rest of his life. He is still completely dancing to her tune after 6+ years, and she is controlling all of you. That kid is young now but already damaged, and may have inherited his mother's crazy genes as well. None of that bodes well for YOUR future. Furthermore, you live in the UK, where BMs reign and it's practically impossible for a father to get custody.
You are up against the holy trinity of step crap: A mentally ill BM, a passive, guilty father, and a damaged, out of control skid. And you have no control over any of this.
You need not apokigize to
You need not apokigize to that controlling bitch for anything. Repeat that several times in your head until you understand that.
You are giving this woman too much power and so is FDH. Don't talk to her. Have FDH email her. If she has to work that pole unexpectedly then thqts on her to find babysitting. You have a right to your own life. Using a child is good leverage because it always makes the other peroaon look bad. But we know what the real situation is, so don't let her hi jack your life.
If your FDH can't get his baby mama in check you should rethink if you want to be legally tied to him. Boyfriends are great. Husbands that have other women in their lives are weights.
Exactly!!!! Say whatever you
Exactly!!!! Say whatever you want about them you have been through enough!!! Block them and make sure only people on your friends list can see what you are writing!! Be careful accepting people you don't know too may be BM in disguise.
DON'T EVER FEEL BAD FOR WHAT YOU DID ON YOUR FB!!!
Thanks for all your replies.
Thanks for all your replies. I've just told FDH that when SS11 goes back to his Moms, we need to have a serious chat about where we go from here as I'm at the end of my tether. Also said I'm considering we go and see a relationship counsellor because I feel he doesn't take me seriously and that he uses his son as an excuse for putting up with all the crap off BM. Apart from the drama with SS and BM we have a great relationship.
I blocked the silly bitch BM and a load of her minions on facebook and I've unplugged the landline. Also told FDH I do not want her coming in my home anymore. I want nothing more to do with her.
I'm so glad I found this site and although it's unfortunate it's also comforting to know I am not alone in going through this bullshit.
Good for you! You've drawn a
Good for you! You've drawn a line and established some boundaries.
Crazy BM was allowed in your home? :jawdrop:
You and DH have the perfect
You and DH have the perfect tool for manging BM's crap. You have a parenting agreement/CO. QUIT TAKING THE SKID OTHER THAN EXACTLY THE NUMBER OF DAYS DH HAS FOR VISITATION!!!!!!
The fact is that BM needs to live her crap and deal with daycare, etc... on her CO'd time.
As for the Skid's manipulative crap... NO!!! works wonders.
Introduce the toxic spawn to the facts of his BM's behavior. "Son, it is not us that does not want you. It is your mother. See here in the CO where it says this is her time? Ask her why she does not want you on her time?" and NEVER take the kid on BM's time no matter what.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Daddy needs to grow a set of balls!!!! BM and the spawn can only manipulate you and DH if you let them.
Stop letting them.
Ah Rags to the rescue. HE is
Ah Rags to the rescue. HE is correct read again
" "Son, it is not us that does not want you. It is your mother. See here in the CO where it says this is her time? Ask her why she does not want you on her time?" and NEVER take the kid on BM's time no matter what."
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Follow the court order, do not ask for a change and do not give a change (thank you Orange County for that one)
It is good that you blocked her from contact with you. Honestly Dad could block her too if she continues to be unreasonable with her constant texting, calling and showing up. When she needs to request a change she can drop a short not requesting something in the mail. She no longer can enter your home with out being invited so stick with that too AND remember you do not have to invite her in when she bangs on your door. Tell her to get back in her car and sit off your property.
Otherwise she is trespassing and you will call the police.
Remember her contact is unwanted and not a medical or educational emergency about the child. Her contact is to cause havoc AND no one is expected or ordered by a court to take that junk.
Welcome to step talk.
LMAO - "but the truth is that
LMAO - "but the truth is that your guy made a baby with Crazy and is going to suffer for it for the rest of his life." Couldn't be more true!!!!
I'll bet that you didn't say
I'll bet that you didn't say a word about BM that wasn't true.
I steer clear of anything but
I steer clear of anything but superficial chit chat on facebook for that very reason. I don't blame your dh for giving in, it must feel terrifying for the kid to feel he has nowhhere to go no matter how wrong bm is. He is 11 though can't you still have friends over and ss watches a movie or has his own friend over to keep him occupied?