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If you can't handle being a MOTHER then just give them to us.

mnmat86's picture

I posted a while back on my stepdaughters suddenly becoming clingy, but I couldn't remember my old login so I made a new acct...Anyway I just need to vent! When I first moved in with FDH I had no issues with the BM. We were always civil to each other and as far as I know she never had a problem with me helping care for the kids SD8 and SD4. I have two bio kids the same age and my daughter is best friends with my SDs and I love them like they're my own-really! A few incidences made me start to slowly dislike BM..for example she called FDH in the middle of the week when we had a night alone to ourselves and had been drinking, put his youngest (who was crying) on the phone to talk to him and then demanded that he come pick her up because she missed him...I shut that down. For one thing, it was MIDNIGHT and a 4 year old shouldn't even be up, for another he had been drinking and had work the next morning, and I had stuff to take care of the next day and couldn't watch SD-.

When FDH said he couldn't come get her, BM then proceeded to keep texting, calling and sending him VIDEOS of his daughter crying. He spent the rest of the night upset and feeling guilty. This continued to happen sporadically for a few weeks-BM calling or having SD4 call him late at night and wanting him to come pick her up. One night she did drop off SD4 and the second she left, SD started crying for BM and wanting to go back home. This finally convinced FDH that young children should have a schedule and not be driven around to different parents' houses in the middle of the night. Her crying probably had more to do with her being UP ALL NIGHT and having no sense of stability or routine than missing anyone.

Fast forward a few months later and FDH and I find out we're expecting...We're very excited. We tell SDs and they're excited. The weekend after BM needs to "talk to FDH in person" and tells him she thinks she has breast cancer because she felt lumps in her breasts 6 months ago, but she won't go to the doctor. When he proposed to me she was also "99% sure" she had cervical cancer too..It's funny how she keeps getting cancer every time FDH and I hit a milestone in our relationship. lol!

BM has recently begun dating one of FDH's best friends (yeah kinda gross but whatever!) Since then she has been consistently late picking up the girls after their visits on Sundays...I don't mean a few minutes late-I mean HOURS late and he can never get a straight answer about when she'll pick them up when he texts or calls her. Half the time she ends up asking him to bring the girls home because she has a sprained ankle, UTI, or some other illness that prevents her from picking up her kids in time for a decent bedtime before school the next day.

SD8 recently told us that after school they go to daycare, from daycare they go to their grandma's (BM's mother's) house and BM doesn't pick them up until 1am-when they have to get up at 7 for school the next day!!!!!!!!

A couple weeks ago FDH lost his cool when she was 2 hours late picking them up, and she responded by telling him that he was a terrible father, that he spends more time with my kids than his own (no shit, they live with us!) the girls never want to come here and that she wanted him to sign over his rights and never see them again because he's a shitty parent and she ESPECIALLY didn't want her kids around his "nasty girlfriend." She went on to say that she felt sorry for our baby on the way and blah blah blah. The whole thing ended with both of the girls crying because they thought they'd never see their daddy again, him crying because he thought she would keep them from him and a whole bunch of drama. He resolved it by APOLOGIZING TO HER a few days later which was necessary I guess to keep it out of court but it still pisses me off. He asked if he could just keep the girls on Sundays too since she can't be bothered to pick them up at a decent time and take them to school on Mondays..Of course she's fine with it. One more night to party right? Smile

Whenever the kids get sick or injured or get lice (like they did a few weeks ago) she can't be reached. FDH, myself or a grandparent has to deal with it. She's always too busy to take care of her own children. Yes she works but FDH works 6 days a week, 12 hour days sometimes and he still manages to take care of the kids when they need him. It just seems like she doesn't really want to be a mother. She does her own thing, passes the kids off to us or to grandparents whenever they inconvenience her and collects that CS check. Just 14 more years to go....

mnmat86's picture

Oh and this past Easter Sunday BM was going to pick them up "first thing in the morning" to take them to an egg hunt or something. We woke them up, got them dressed and ready and they sat around the house in their dresses with their Easter baskets waiting..BM didn't show up until 4pm. No calls, no texts, no explanations. FDH was afraid to rock the boat and ask where she is. SDs are still very clingy to us especially if my daughter isn't here. Saturday my bio kids were at their grandparents' so we took skids to the zoo and they wouldn't let go of our hands the entire time...like they were afraid we would run off without them. When we got home they followed us from room to room afraid to let us out of their sight. I've never seen anything like it. Sad

Redsonya's picture

Wow - first things first. BM is getting her way and in control here - as far as she thinks. You have to convince your hubby that she is NOT in control and he will never lose visitation with his children. The courts are not going to take them from him because he doesn't dance to her tune. As soon as he fully realizes this, you two are back on top. Don't allow what happened with me - I allowed BM to try to run the show for two years, not wanting to rock the boat. It will start out with the late pickups/demands and escalate into more money, favors, and outright disrespect to you both. You have to nip this in the bud and stick with the CO for now.

Send her an email or letter (totally business like) that tells what hours she may call, unless it is an emergency that requires immediate medical care. Tell her that she will stick with the CO or it will be documented. Keep a calendar and make note of every time she is late/early or doesn't follow orders. The next time she calls with anything except issues directly relating to Skids or in a disagreeable tone, or late at night, let her know the next incident will result in email only contact. You can block her on your phones for 3 months at a time. If she sends nasty emails, let her know that the next incident will result in

If she tries to pull any nonsense with not letting him have the kids, drag her butt to court immediately and ask for a change in custody or on contempt of court. Let her know (like a dog) that every negative action, comes with a reaction. The courts will NEVER keep kids away from their dad, unless their is clear evidence of abuse. Don't let her bully you, it will just get worse.

mnmat86's picture

Thank you Redsonya! I spent the whole week after that drama fest making phone calls and pulling up federal and state laws for FDH to read about his rights as a father. We live in IL and they're so tough here she could lose custody of the girls altogether if she denies him visitation..I know she never really will though. She values her free weekends of partying and drinking way too much and to her we're just the free nannies. lol! The biggest problem I have with all of this is that there are no court orders in place...It's all verbal agreement that he gets them on the weekends, etc. I think he needs to go to court and get his visitation rights official! Actually I wish he would just get sole physical custody because I think they'd be in much better hands...but I know she'd fight him because the system they have now works perfectly in her favor! She only has to have them 4 days a week, barely sees them and gets paid for it!

mnmat86's picture

haha selective cancer is right! Every time she gets a new cancer or other terminal illness I just laugh. Her constant need for attention is so pathetic and transparent. I'll believe it when she has an actual diagnosis from a doctor and even then I wouldn't exactly be sad about it. Blum 3

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

How do you think she would react if he asked to keep them like Friday after school until Tuesday? Or every other week? or during the school week? Sounds like they desperately need stability and regular sleep schedules and you guys are the ones whol provide that for them.

Jinxycat's picture

I'm totally new to this forum and here BC my DH has a (i think) delusional Exwife (BM) and I'm looking for info on PAS. This post caught my attention BC every time things get difficult for BM she either diagnosis them with a mental issue or drops them to us. Don't get me wrong we lOVE our kids...I'm super lucky to have very close relationships with SD13 and SS 17 for many years. We want them to have a healthy relationship with BM and we want them with us...I think that might be the way a lot of parents wish. It seems the more we try to help her, the more it fails (not BC of kids, but BC of her weird expectations,rules,and general blame it all on DH when the wheels fall off).
So she dropped SD13 off at our home with all her belongings several months ago for an "unspecified period of time" after the court ordered therapist told her that her home and relationship with SD was "unhealthy". A month prior, BM told SS17 he no longer had to follow the parenting time schedule when he (after two years of unproductive court ordered therapy) finally had the courage, thanks to help from DH, to tell her his wishes in a productive and as respectful as he could way (live with/spend more time with Dad). It seems so true that every time things get difficult for her ...we get the kids...or it's DH's fault...or she goes therapist shopping to try and prove there is something wrong with the kids.
I'm at my wits end and it makes me both sad and somewhat relieved to see I'm not alone. We had our last show cause in March and judge really made a dramatic temporary PT change in,our favor...well, our kids favor..they have been asking for this for nearly three years. Since then, We have been trying to work out a mediation solution out of court to spare our kids being interviewed by the judge and the very real chance(as advised by the treating therapists) that BM's fragile relationships with both kids will be negatively impacted by the therapists testimonies. We've even offered to keep paying CS b/c her initial complaint was that it was about $$. She did't even respond until a week prior to the hearing stating now, it's PAS.. We have three therapists coming to testify that our kids are healthy and they don't need more therapy...now we have to defend ourselves against PAS? Selective cancer ....we get selective Syndromes! What the heck will it be next...actually, I hope it is cancer...
And this whole thing which ironically started five years ago when we got married has been one drama attention seeking-I'm-the-victim scenario after another. Our kids have collectively been to way over 100 sessions, dragged to different therapists by BM when "it wasn't working" and now she's proposing, after giving up her PT and after therapists have said "kids need dad,not more therapy ", that all this is a result of PAS. Last session our 17 (will be 18 in 8 mo) straight A, state ranked athlete, no drugs, no alcohol , well adjusted loving son, told his therapist "I continue to be here because my mom thinks there's something wrong with me. When do I have a say over my own life?" This may not be the PAS forum, but we have a delusional BM trying to convince the judge that we are child abusers! Oh, and after weeks of DH asking for her to attend family sessions with our kids and their therapists (no response of course), she miraculously has been referred to a fourth therapist over an hour away and of course insists that DH attend to "help our children" , But of course does not want the input from the children or to involve them. Nor can she tell DH what will be different from the last therapy sessions and what her desired outcome is. How many therapists will there be? How much more insanity ? Can the judge see how nuts this is, BC I feel like I got tossed on the crazy train without buying a ticket. I have to go to bed now...we have a half day of court tomorrow to see what will come up next. I needed to see other people potentially like me and personally, give a small rant. This is exhausting....and, I might add, very costly on many levels,
Thanks for listening,,,.wish I found this site years ago.