You are here

Step Daughter Drama at 42

retired2az's picture

I'm new here from Google search because my SD, who is 42, is a drama queen and after last week, I'm feeling withdrawn and even distrustful of my own husband because he dismisses her behavior and acts like nothing has happened.

I just need to vent and I'm so glad I found this place and see that I'm not alone in trying to deal with this situation.

First of all, let me give you a little background. I met my husband in March, 1975 when he was working at a construction job in my town. He was from another state, married, with 3 kids. The youngest (my SD) had just been born in Feb., 1975. His wife was a closet drunk, manipulative, and could bawl at the drop of a hat, anywhere, anytime that it got her attention. He was planning a divorce when I met him but he says I gave him the motivation to go through with it. Several months later, after his divorce, and after he left her everything (for the kids, which she promptly drank up)I moved to his state and moved in with him. His ex would call in the middle of the night and he'd get out of bed and haul her out of ditches and stay with her until she "fell asleep". We had his 2 boys every weekend but never his daughter. He worked out of town/state most of the time, so we only had weekends together but we were never alone. This went on for over 2 years and I finally had had enough of the merry-go-round so I moved out and moved on. We didn't see each other for 17 years. I had remarried and he had moved to CA because his ex took the kids out there in 1982 and he didn't want to be so far away from them. I was divorced in 1992.

Then, in 1997 we got back together and I moved out to CA. We were married later that year. I still had not even met my SD until I went to CA. She was 22 by then and she was the spitting image of her mother...in every way (except the drinking part). I remember one time she was there with her brother's and they were talking about things that happened when they (the boys) were younger and my husband mentioned something about their mother being drunk and my SD erupted in hysterical tears and ran in the bedroom and bawled for hours. I had no clue what to do and my husband was so upset with her behavior because it was so much like her mother's outbursts that he didn't know what to do either. From then on, we watched every word we said so it wouldn't upset her.

We retired in 2001 and left CA in our RV so we didn't have much contact with his daughter for several years except talking to her on the phone. Two years ago, we moved to AZ for many reasons but mostly for our health. His kids only lived 350 miles from us and we were glad to see them maybe once a month or so, whenever their work would allow them to come see us. His daughter married in 2005 but they can't have children so we don't have any grandkids.

Right after we relocated here to AZ, my SD decided she wanted to move here, too. Her husband wasn't too thrilled with leaving CA. He's never known anything else and is very backward and had a very strange upbringing. He still has all his mother's belongings, including her clothes, and she been deceased for over 10 years. He just can't let go. He's 50 but acts like he's in grade school. So my SD runs the show. Whatever she says, goes, and he doesn't rock the boat.

So, they came here several times looking at homes and we showed them the area and what areas of town not to buy in. Well, didn't they do just that. She is a slob and their house looks like a pig pen. I won't go there unless I absolutely have to. She quit her job in CA and got a good job here so she's been living and working here since Feb. Her husband is still in CA. He keeps dragging his feet about what projects need to get done so their house can be listed.

Right after she started working, she use to come over every night and I'd have supper ready for her. So, we were eating one night and talking and my husband asked her how long before her husband was going to come. She said she didn't know. My husband asked her, since they had put a lot of stuff in a storage unit here (mostly her husband's deceased mother's stuff), how long before she was going to move that stuff out of the storage unit and get it over to the house here (they have a large building on their property). She said she didn't know. I asked her if he (her husband) was going to get rid of some of his mother's things, since the clothes were now falling apart and there were boxes and boxes of paperwork (household bills from years ago) that just needed to be thrown out. She had a complete meltdown! She got up and went in the bathroom and bawled her eyes out and I'm sure our neighbors must have heard her. :jawdrop: I was at a complete loss as to what to do. She just cried and carried on just like her mother use to do.

Then last week she had another meltdown. She was so stressed over: he dog had fleas, her husband is still in CA, her boss is a jerk, etc., etc. She had gone to CA the weekend before to "whip the guys into shape" to get things finished at the house so they could list it. She was in a mood when she left and when she came back we didn't hear anything from her so I sent her a text on Wed. last week and asked if she was OK. She just said the good news was the house was going to be listed but the bad stuff would have to wait until she saw us. Well, that made us think all kinds of things and my husband wasn't in a very good mood the rest of the week because he was so worried about her. We never heard any more from her until I texted her and that's when she told us about fleas on her dog and some other ridiculous things. She called the next night and was crying her eyes out. She complained about her boss...what a jerk he was, etc. Her dad talked to her and I listened. She's never had any other job except the one in CA and she was pretty much her own boss so she's had no experience actually taking "orders" from any one. She doesn't like to be told what to do and she wants to do things her way.

So, last weekend her husband and her brother (who's also moving here :O ) surprised her and came out with a trailer load of stuff. I was so disgusted with her with the way she's carried on and upset her dad all week that when they came to the house, I stayed in my sewing room and shut the door. I had had an encounter with her brother before she and her husband got here and I was fuming. I thought it was better for me to stay away from all of them.

She called her dad yesterday and told him everything was good at work, that she had overblown the situation about her boss and it was ok now. That just did it even more for me. My husband just babies her, too, and excuses her bad behavior.

I read some great advice on here from way back in the forum about this women that disengaged herself from the toxic drama. I'm taking a leaf out of her book and backing away as much as I can without confrontation because I know I'll end up being the loser if I do confront her.

sammigirl's picture

I feel bad for you. You are at the stage in your life that you should not have to deal with any of this. Don't text your SD, don't contact her for your DH, and don't put yourself in a position to have to tolerate any of this, you have described. I have a SD56, been married to her Dad for 36 years. I do not engage with her and have been totally disengaged for 7 years from my SD.

All I have to say is stay completely disengaged as much as possible and let your DH deal with it. Enjoy your retired years and stay clear of this drama. Hopefully they don't drop in too much and if you don't invite them, it will help. Just keep it civil and find something else to do, when they do come to your home. Don't fix meals, don't invite them to go places with you, etc. If SD has problems and wants to talk to her "daddy", send him to her house; try very hard to keep it out of your home and marriage.

Read on the site every day; this is what is very helpful. We are here to listen and support each other. Welcome to our world.

TwirlMS's picture

Yep, I feel sorry for the (now grown-up) kids. Their father a cheater and gone all week, their mother an alcoholic.
What a horrible childhood they must have had.

Sailor's picture

When my H left, it was not a separation, it was a desertion. In South Africa there is no such thing as a "legal" seperation. I was devastated when I found out Narc was screwing someone else and his excuse was - we're seperated.

As this divorce is turning out to be quite acrimonious and he is still screwing BM2 (2 years later), and as papers are served and settlement is being negotiated - now I believe we are separated, albeit we still live in the same house, but live seperate lives. So I've decided that yes, technically we are still married, but in my heart and I suppose for those who are religious, in the eyes of God, the marriage was over the moment he stuck his tiny penis in her wondercave.

I waited for so long, I gave him so many chances, I did everything I possibly could do to try and save this marriage, good and bad - nothing worked. Now, I am going to carry on living, I was in limbo for sooooo long, life is too short and I am happily having a fling with an amazing guy - the best part is - I don't feel guilty. I did my bit.

ESMOD's picture

I know it's semantics and inference but she said he was "planning a divorce". That could mean a lot of things. It could mean anything from "I am going to tell gullible chicks that to get laid" to "I have really been thinking about leaving my wife but haven't gotten off my lazy butt to do anything about it" to "I have spoken to a lawyer and started the ball rolling".

I have a feeling it was more to the former than the latter... I think he was either just using the line or had just been thinking about it. He had an infant daughter so there had obviously been some sort of relationship with his wife in the not so distant past.

TBH, I don't know that any of that is really relevant to the current situation. Sounds like the daughter is a complainer/whiner/drama queen and it is aggravating to the OP to deal with her. I didn't see the daughter "doing" anything TO the OP other than being a general whiny baby. That extra drama in the OP's life is probably not welcome therefore I think her best course of action is to just minimize contact with the woman. Be polite but distant.

Disneyfan's picture

The my marriage is over line is the first lie married men tell when they want to mess around.

This guy was working out of town a month after his wife had given birth. Working in another state, doesn't mean they were separated.

I bet his marriage was just fine, he met OP and lied to her. Went back home to his family, the wife found out he was cheating and kicked his butt out.

Most married men aren't going to say I'm married and I have no intentions what so ever of leaving my wife. I just want to screw you whenever I can.

TwirlMS's picture

Yes, it's the oldest line in the book.

SD should have stayed with her husband in CA and not moved to be near her dad. Some dad. She probably sees the rejection of her mom to be a rejection of her as well.

Your DH sounds way insensitive when the kids are reminiscing their childhood, why would DH need to trash BM at that point? Especially knowing how hurt and emotional SD is. Why the SD would even give him the time of day, much less move near him is beyond me. He abandoned her when she was a baby, sniffing out other women when he had a 1 month old baby and a struggling wife at home.

When she was entertaining ideas of moving to AZ, her dad should have nipped that in the bud. She sounds like an emotional wreck, and add to that a strange new town, new job and her husband far away. Not in her best interests, but maybe your DH likes all the attention of multiple women in his life.

ESMOD's picture

Actually, I got that he was still with his wife but his construction job had him working at job sites away from home. I think he was still married, but was probably cheating on his wife every chance he got when he went out of town. She turned to booze. Finally, he divorced his wife and the OP may have been the last straw that drove that to happen (either on his end or his wife finally was fed up).

I think she is pretty lucky the kids don't resent her for the earlier breakup of their family.

Sounds like his daughter is clingy and a bit dependent and a lot melodromatic. I think OP can just let things drift apart with her and disengage. She should be pleasant to the girl but not actively pursue a relationship with her.

sandye21's picture

I agree - talking about the BM is a 'no-no'. Also on trying to get 'too close'.

Dating while separated is a case by case thing. I've been on both sides of it. My ex was messing around when we were married and living together. He decided to leave me for a woman he worked with, and eventually married her. He left me with two kids, broke and no job. Even though I never put his new wife down to the kids I still did not have much respect for her or my ex for what they did. They could have at least waited until we were legally separated.

That being said, it took me a year and a half to get a divorce from him. During that time I was legally separated - and I dated. Can't imagine waiting a year and a half sitting at home.

After my divorce I worked with a man who would try to pick up women by telling women he and his wife were separated when they were living together. It was disgusting.

Another thing - When I met DH he had been divorced for two years. After I married him, we attended a work reunion. Some of the people I met at the reunion were under the impression I had a part in splitting up DH and BM. I informed them that I didn't even live in the area when DH and BM divorced but I don't think they believed me.

Unless we know all of the facts of the situation there is no way to know the truth - and even then it might not be believed.

enuf's picture

At age 42 this woman needs to let her father have a life. It makes me sick to my stomach that middle age adults control their parent through drama. After what I went through with my ss48, it is crazy that he prefers his df to be a lonely old man just because he wants his money and his attention. It sounds pathological and my ex because of all the guilt bought into it. Retired pay no attention to your sd, most of the time the theatrics are done for attention. Learn to disengage, you owe her nothing.

notasm3's picture

I despise cheaters - but I personally don't care if SM murdered the BM. It's DECADES later - she'd be out on parole by now anyway having served her debt to society. It's not a life sentence.

No adult should have to put up with a disgusting POS adult in their life whether it is a SM or SC. If the SM and SC don't get along (even if the reasons are valid) then they should just keep apart.

TwirlMS's picture

Even though the affair happened decades ago, they are still reaping the consequences of it. Not only did this guy get the OP to give up her home and follow him to another state, twice even, but now he got his daughter to do the same thing. And she is married and should be living with her husband.