Hit a wall with SS11. Out of ideas
I like to think of myself as a pretty good parent. My first marriage I had a SD from the age of four until 18. Her BF disowned her and her mother developed mental health issues so I was her primary parent. I have DD and a DS. When they were 6 and 8 I sent their mother packing and raised them alone for two years. My DS now 12 has Autistic Spectrum Disorder and I completely understand him. We are very close but he is a bit of work. My DD is now 10 and is a superstar. Both are very well behaved sweet children. I met a great woman over two years ago. She had a son who was 8 at he time. She told me stories about him and failed attempts to diagnose his problem. I have a medical background and after I met him was pretty sure he just needed discipline. His father was bullied by this boy as were all adults he came into contact. He had learned to throw fits that defy description for pretty much anything and he would get what he wanted just to make him stop. Very different from my children. I told her the only way this would work was if she let me discipline him the way I felt he needed. She agreed. First time he was at the house he got in a fight with my son. No big deal, but this boy thought he was in trouble and launched into a fit I have never seen. He pulled out all the stops. Screaming yelling throwing things swinging his arms crying saying he couldn't breath swearing threatening you name it. I asked her to take my children and step out of the room. I held him down on the bed without hurting him at all. I just calmly sat there and restrained him and calmly told him we could talk and I would let him go as soon as he stopped screaming. She tells me these fits usually last an hour. 10 minutes in we were having a conversation. I told him he was not in trouble that I would listen to him everyone will be treated fairly we are going to help him and before he knew he and I would get along great. Short story, he never threw a fit like that again. A year and a half go by and he has been off medication, has friends goes to church, is out of his special behavioral class and for the first time is in mainstream classes full time. It was challenging and s lot of work. Then six months ago progress stopped. He started acting out. Throwing little fits but still fits stealing candy lying constantly threatening my children, mostly my DD10 because I have told my DS12 that he is allowed to defend himself anyway he feels he needs to since he is harassed constantly. Nothing works anymore. We have talks. We have lessons. I tried everything I can think of. I have realized he has no remorse. None. He could get in the worst trouble and ten minutes later acting like nothing happened. He is manipulative and decidtful. He has a skill at explaining why every single thing that happens is not his fault. He does not seem to be able to make the connection between his actions and the results. A few weeks ago at a picnic my children along with several others were in a bounce house. He unplugged the air pump several times letting the bounce house collapse. When I explained to him that children are not only seriously injured when that happens they can die. He said oh. I didn't know that. Then nothing. On the way home an hour later he threw a fit because we would not stop for ice cream. Zero remorse. We have two dogs. He was walking one of the dogs, a Pomeranian and stepped on it accidentally and the dog yelped. He did not stop and my DD10 stopped and picked the dog up to see if it was injured. He yelled at her and told her to put the dog down. She said she is taking it to Dad to see if he is hurt. He then yanked the leash so hard the dog flew out of her hands back on the ground. He then went on his way. When I asked him about it he very matter of factly admitted the whole thing and said I am sure he would be fine. Is there anything wrong with him now? No. So what's the big deal. Just to be clear, none of my children would ever speak to me like that.
I have noticed when I am talking to him he has developed this look. He is looking at me very intently but with zero expression on his face. It's creepy.
For some time time I have wondered if this boy is a sociopath. Really. It is too early for sure at 11 to diagnose him but he is changing. I am very concerned. I discussed this with his BM and she has read some of the stuff on conduct disorders and is worried as well. His BF has some of the same qualities and has always been in denial that the boy has any issues at all.
I am worried about my biological children now. Especially my son since he has refused to put up with this boys nonsense. My SS11 has gone from idolizing my DS12 to hating him. I am afraid he may hurt him eventually and really don't want him in the house. I don't know what to do.
You can't beat remorse into a
You can't beat remorse into a kid that just doesn't feel it.
Doc, it's a horrible situation, but you need to protect your kids. I know you love this woman and all, but it's time to move your kids to a different house and date until everyone grows up if you want to stay with her. Your daughter should not have to feel unsafe in her own home. Your son shouldn't have to be told to defend himself in any way necessary.
If he actually is unable to feel empathy or remorse, then no matter what you do it won't help. And because you are the one doing it and also not a parent, you will be the lightening rod for all his anger.
Punishment has no effect, he
Punishment has no effect, he would learn to take the beating. I know this because that's what happened to me. In fact it would make it worse.
you stole kaos!!! aside from
you stole kaos!!! aside from the slight age difference, you perfectly described my yss. that hollow look is creepy as hell... wait until it develops into the arrogant smirk, the "what? i did no wrong, as a matter of fact seeing you worked up is funny!" look....
dh and i have had conversation after conversation. these kids are almost beyond help, nothing is even remotely effective. my brother was similar too, he was also the stepchild from h3ll and my parents tried EVERYTHING, finally kicking him out at 16. he is currently a well-adjusted father of 5, but he had to get there on his OWN. kids like this will NOT respond to discipline, punishment, consequenses, nada - until THEY are ready.
i wish i had words of hope or encouragement, but the only thing i can share is study up on O.D.D and hold on tight for the roller coaster ride you're about to be in for. *IF* you choose to remain under the same roof with him. i have no bios, so i have disengaged for the most part from kaos and am just waiting until he graduates.
She is my wife and anything I
She is my wife and anything I have to deal with to have her in my life is okay by me. She sees it too and is thinking he should spend more time with BF. Of course he just remarried with two kids coming in but at least older. That is the only boundary he seems to pay attention to at all. My little one is 9 months younger and my big boy is 9 months older and he is well aware.
I think you should try
I think you should try counseling and see if someone can at least diagnose him with ODD (oppositional definant disorder) or even CD (conduct disorder) -even though that usually begins later in life. But maybe a professional will have better luck with turning this kid around...if it's even possible. Do a lot of research on ODD too. I recently took a class through my job called "why teens kill", it's very interesting information. Your SS displays a lot of the traits that the instructor talks about (animal abuse, no remorse, bullying, etc). Worst case scenario, there are places ("homes")that you can take children that can't be helped (the typical psychopath and sociopath kids). Most doctors don't like to diagnose at that early of an age, but if there are enough signs they will usually take the kid. It might be worth looking in to. Good luck to you. Take care of you and your kids (pets included)first, do what's best for you guys.
Thanks to everyone who
Thanks to everyone who responded. I appreciate all the support. I am not a psychologist but I am an MD. Conduct Disorder is usually developing in the late preteen years and is the worst as teenagers. His initial behavior was clearly learned because it worked for him but the remarkable thing was most kids have a limit on how far they will go before giving in. SS has no sense of boundary and so he would just plunge the accelerator for as long and as loud as he had to until he got the desired response. Which he always did. All of that behavior stopped because he learned I could outlast him without breaking a sweat. But it seems to be an underlying cause of conduct disorder. It is remarkable just how unaware he is of anyone's needs or cares or feelings. He reminds me of a puppy I was had that was always ready to play. My brother would be pretty rough with him and he would keep popping up for more. Just constantly on and me. That is it. Nothing else in there at all.
I feel like sabotaging things to demonstrate to his BF the truth about his boy to get his attention now that he has a new family to worry about.
Doc, Reading the challenges
Doc,
Reading the challenges you are facing in your blended family made me cringe. A kid whose behaviors are due completely to their own choices rather than behavioral, psychological, or medical conditions is a tough one.
I applaud your refusal to consider ending your marriage over this kid’s toxic crap. That you and your bride are generally in alignment on the Skid’s behavior being unacceptable is a good thing and speaks highly of your equity life partnership and each of your personally.
The difficulty lays in how to deal with it and mitigate the negative consequences of this kid’s chosen behaviors on the rest of the family and on your marriage. Since you have two minor children of your own who you have to protect from this kid’s toxic crap doing nothing is not an option. Again IMHO.
With the focus on your marriage I believe that leaves you two choices. 1. Medication… or 2. Outsourcing.
It seems that this kid was medicated when you had your first forceful intervention/alignment with him. The one that seems to kick off his period of significant improvement. How long ago was he taken off of meds? There may be a correlation to the removal of meds and the downward spiral of behavioral degradation. Give it another try and if necessary…. Medicate him into submission if necessary.
If that is not an option that you and your bride can agree on then a consequence based residential behavioral/disciplinary environment may work. He is a little young for most schools but I suggest a Military boarding school. There are some that take kids as young as 5th-7th grade. They work wonders on willful ill-behaved toxic kids. Peers in that environment only care about compliance with rules and regulations and making sure that no one causes consequences for anyone else by their choices and lack of performance. There is nothing quite like a young Cadet leader that is forced to intervene in the behavior of an incorrigible new Cadet. Incessant hours spent marching in full pack with a rifle with a group of older Cadets chewing your ass and reminding you of what got you stuck with endless hours of marching tends to give clarity to willful little turds. No beatings required. Though I am an advocate of corporal punishment in certain circumstances the structured environment of student led daily life in a Military School Corps of Cadets with oversight by professional Military retirees can work wonders. For particularly wilful examples peer initiated blanket parties, shower parties, and late night attitude adjustments usually address any lagging issues.
PM me and I will be happy to share with you my family experiences with Military School and give you some suggestions of good schools to look at for your Skid. There are several options at all price points. I am familiar with many them from my family’s 3 generations of Military School graduates (dad, me, my brother, my kid).
Good luck.