Your opinion on setting boundaries w/ stepchildren versus putting up a wall

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Hi all,

My DH and I recently discovered that he has high school child that he did not know about. We're in the process of adjusting our lives to accommodate this. One issue we're having is that I want boundaries set and he does not want to put up any walls... Have any of you been through this? Any advice or suggestions?

Thank you for saying " If I

Thank you for saying " If I just found out I had a kid, I don't think I'd like having my husband jump in to set the rules right off" because it gives me perspective on what my DH could be thinking/feeling... I'm not sure what type of boundaries yet, and am in the process of identifying the difference between a boundary and a wall. I definitely would not want our lives to be enmeshed and want to establish a separation (i.e., boundary) of some sort. perhaps its because I don't do well with ambiguity? My DH seems okay to go with the flow, but I feel that his pace is too fast for me... I'm trying to catch up and am attempting to get insight on this situation.

Hi, yeah, I deleted my

Hi, yeah, I deleted my original post because I could not figure out how to edit it and I accidently included a link from other site because I first typed my post on my phone along with other info I got online and just "selected all" and pasted it without reviewing, and a few people were asking if I was promoting it. In addition, I got really good feedback about my original delimma of not being accepting and suggestions on how to start the process, which I wrote down and journaled about, so I decided to just delete the original post to not get in trouble for the link.

Anyway, I like how straight up and realistic you are in you comments, and the one that resonates with me today is "The real test is whether she sticks around when she realises that all she will get is two new friends..." Since she's of legal age, my DH is not legally obligated to do anything, and so far the BM has not been involved and said that they "don't expect anything but just want [daughter] to know her father."

Because this is a shock to us and we don't have experience dealing with this, we're reverting to our morals and DH keeps saying, "I just want to do the right thing. I don't know what that is so I'm open to suggestions, but I'm the one who has to look at myself in the mirror everyday." So far he has made himself available to her immediately and consistently each time she contacts us. I feel like this is too much (I'm lost for the word) - interjection? interruption? enmeshment? interaction? - too soon too fast.

So my DH and I have been

So my DH and I have been going to a therapist and the therapist suggestions that we have a scheduled time to talk about our feelings regarding this situation and use ONLY this time to discuss. I like your suggestion of needing to talk about realistic topics that could cause conflict, such as money... because financial matters can be a sensitive subject... I have a feeling he may brush off the topic and say it's too early to discuss this... I definitely do not want to overwhelm him by coming in guns blazing, but I think the ambiguity and uncertainty of all this is partly why I'm so uncomfortable, and I do think if we talk about these issues, it will lay a firm foundation for us to move forward or build up.

BM said there was a mix-up and the person they thought was the father wasn't and they just recently "found out" about my DH. She seems sincere and her story appears plausible. My DH is a great person in general and he said that while he is not sure if he should be upset, he is not because he doesn't see what getting upset about will accomplish.

DNA - yes, he is the father.

The original believed father

The original believed father left when she was 3 when he found out she wasn't his, the mom has been dating another guy since who has been there to raise her. She doesn't call or consider him her father.

Number one thing to do, if it

Number one thing to do, if it hasn't already been done, is to get a DNA test.

Aside from that, you and DH are going to have to calmly communicate about the situation. Because of the potential volatility of it, I'd suggest each of you making written lists about your expectations and concerns so you can line item address these things. Then be willing to compromise.

What exactly does he mean by "not putting up any walls?" Does he mean he wants unrestricted time with this person, with them able to come and go from your home? Does he mean emotional walls? Has he even met this child yet?

That's a great idea - to make

That's a great idea - to make a written list about expectations and concerns... Based on how things have been with DH and I, I seem to be the only person with expectations and concerns. He said that his main concern is to "do the right thing," keep me happy, and "not put up any walls." I don't know what he means by that other than to be readily available to her. Good question though, and I will ask him what he specifically means.

I wish I could, and that I

I wish I could, and that I wasn't feeling this way. Prior to this I was feeling emotionally torn because my mind was telling me to trust my DH to work this out and consider all people involved, and to not interfere because I do not want him to resent me or blame me for anything regarding his daughter later, and I make it clear to him that any decision we make must be a mutual decision...

I don't think I can stay out of this.

I'm with you here. I dated

I'm with you here. I dated many men with children but never considered a serious relationship if a man had minor children. I would not have looked at my DH twice if SS30 had been a minor or even if he lived with DH (which he did until a couple of years before I met DH).

It all boils down to choices at this point. A man who would choose another adult woman (yes even his daughter) over me is not someone that I would wish to spend my life with. Your DH has some choices to make - but you also have the choice not to live with any unacceptable choices that he makes.

What you stated, "A man who

What you stated, "A man who would choose another adult woman (yes even his daughter) over me is not someone that I would wish to spend my life with," IS EXACTLY how I feel, but did not know how to say or convey it without seemingly like a b*tch. I mean, what kind of woman would keep a father from knowing his daughter? I need to make clear that this is not what I'm doing. I just want to have priorities straighten despite this "disruption" to our homeostasis, and adjust where all 3 of us can find a homesotasis together. I came into this marriage with certain expectations (2 adults without children marrying and starting a family with their own bio children together) - I'm willing to compromise by accepting her, but there's a certain extent to my acceptance Im not willing to compromise, and that's what I need to find...

I do not keep my DH from his

I do not keep my DH from his son (or his grandson that the GF had a few months ago). But I choose to have almost nothing to do with him as he is really not a nice person. He's an alcoholic with no education, gets fired from menial jobs multiple times a year, and has a history of violence.

Your surprise SD could turn out to be a lovely young woman who will enhance your life. Or not. As of now she is a total stranger to both of you. And as was stated above who invites a stranger into their home, life, etc. A DNA connection at this point in her life is utterly meaningless (unless it doesn't exist).

My DH can see his son pretty much when he wants, but I do not include SS, his GF or the baby in my life. I do not hate them. I just have a full life and don't have time to see many of my friends so why should I waste any time on these people who mean nothing to me.

I was out of town last week and DH had his son over for a nice dinner. I have no problem with that. Just don't want it to take place when I am here. No money is ever to go to SS - I don't care if he is homeless,etc. Modest gifts for Christmas, etc. I do a lot of canning, picking, etc and SS loves my stuff - so I send him a jar or two occasionally.

I do way more for the maintenance guy at my condo. I make him special meals, have him and his GF over for dinner, etc. because I actually like him. He is not an educated man and yes he has a nip or two during the day at work even - but he is not mean or violent. I respect him as a person. Just adding that because I didn't want to sound like a snob who didn't like SS because of his social position. I don't like SS because he's an ass.

But at this point you don't know what this young woman is like. She may be a horror show or she might be a decent person. Only time will tell.

Thank you for your feedback.

Thank you for your feedback. The structure and agreement you have with your DH appears to be working for both of you. I am hopeful that my DH and I can identify a compromise that will work for both of us.

Thank you for validating my

Thank you for validating my statement about intentionally choosing not to date men with children. I am not judging blended families or have anything against it; I just know the complications that are involved and wanted to avoid it (life fooled me!) So thank you for that...

I hear you when you said, "you really don't have to be very accepting of it at all..." But, if I want to continue to be with my DH, which I do, I do need to accept this. I'm trying to process all this to figure out if I'm the one who needs to change completely (i.e., stay out of it, accept completely, etc.), or if we can find a compromise that both DH and I can agree upon. If we cannot find a compromise, I'm afraid that this would be a big divide in our fundamental principles and we would be setting ourselves up for disintegration of our marriage going forward. I want to prevent that and fight for our marriage... What is that quote, "the couples that are meant to be are the ones that go through everything that's designed to tear them apart and they come out stronger."

I agree with you

I agree with you completely... I think DH and I need to clearly explain what me mean when we use our expressions, and that "put up a wall" can be interpreted to many ways. I don't know what he means by that and I assumed that meant blocking/stopping a specific interaction or putting limitations up. I know he does not have current expectations for how things will work out but I think he is hoping that I will accept however it turns out - if we 3 become close or it fizzles out into distance. He is going with the flow of it, but I cannot. I find myself still resisting the former and would prefer to have boundaries set. As you stated, "walls" and "boundaries" are vague terms and I'm trying to define as well as identify how to operationalize them...

As I stated above, I deleted my original post because I could not figure out how to edit it and I accidently included a link from another site because I first typed my post on my phone along with other info I got online when I was searching for help with my issue, and just "selected all" and pasted it into the forum without reviewing; A few people were asking if I was promoting the link, which I was not. In addition, I got really good feedback about my original delimma of not being accepting and suggestions on how to start the process, which I wrote down and journaled about, so I decided to just delete the original post to not get in trouble for the link.

There was a poster

There was a poster "Sailor/Sailor Girl" who was faced with an unknown biological child of her DH's who suddenly appeared when the daughter was in her teens. We watched her established marriage fall apart as her DH spent time and money trying to "make-up" to his daughter his absence for so many years. Treating the new SD as a higher priority than his wife highlighted other cracks in the foundation. Her DH was an absolute ass. Eventually, I think he began an affair with that daughter's BM but I could be wrong. (Your post reminded me of hers and I think is many people's nightmare.)

Anyway, whatever the new SD's intentions are, I would settle in for a tough time as everyone adjusts. You planned on a starter marriage of two adults and to grow it with your biological children. Not happening is it? You have every right to be scared, angry and reconsidering the entire marriage format. (I'm sorry for your miscarriage, I know that's devastating.) This may be a deal-breaker for you. A bit of personal counseling might help you to clarify your thinking.

DH suddenly discovers a daughter (assuming DNA) and probably has a lot of mixed feelings. Bet there will be substantial guilt over not being in her life for 18 years. He will likely want to spend time getting to know her. He will likely want to shower her with gifts. Her BM may be whispering in SD's ear that your DH got off scot-free for 18 years of no child support, so he owes her. Guilty parenting leads to some outlandish behavior --- houses, college, vehicles. More than one adult stepchild has moved back home.

Perhaps SD will become a great friend and role-model for your future children. Your family has grown and it may turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

You don't know yet.

Asking DH to take it slowly is appropriate. So is visiting with lawyers and seeking counselors. Consider how time, financial and emotional resources will be altered. I'd suggest you give yourself a break from trying to conceive right now. Let your hormones settle a bit and see how your life will now develop. Keep those lines of communication open with DH.

Your story sounds very stressful.

You clearly identified my

You clearly identified my delimma - I came into this marriage with expectations of our foundation - 2 adults without previous children who would build a family with out own biological children. That's the life I wanted and thought I chose for myself... Thank you also for identifying exactly what I'm feeling - scared and upset, as well as insecure and really just shooken up. What I thought was my reality was not true at all. My DH would tease me and smile and say, "Its nice to live in your world ya?" because I'm usually a happy-go-lucky person who keeps drama free. Prior to this DH and I did not have problems - sure we argued and disagreed, but neither he or I could identify a "problem." Thats why we decided to marry each other - the compliments of our personalities, shared goals, similar dreams, and positive attitude. I'm now afraid that he and I may have conflicting views on how to deal with the issue of a daughter that's not mine, and that his difference cannot be overcome... A similie that comes to mind is like a couple who love each other dearly and one person wants to have a child and the other doesn't. I'm sure both people can say they're "ok" with the other's feelings but subconsciously/secretly hope that the other will change their mind... I'm realistic. If we differ on fundamental principles, I don't see it working out in the long run - in the short run, sure, but not long run. Someone is going to have to compromise, and I'm trying to figure out if I need to completely compromise and just stay out of it and accept it, or if we can mutually compromise and salvage somewhat of what we initially planned for. Keep in mind, I seem to be the only one who is having difficulty... and I don't want to be seen as the "roadblock" stopping their relationship, but I am not comfortable where things are heading and how fast they are going... I did not sign up for this, yes, but I'm in and am all in for that matter... But does "all in" mean completely compromising my wants and feelings and going on a personal journey to learn "acceptance" or can we mutually compromise...

You already seem to have a

You already seem to have a lot going for you. Your DH is going to counseling with you, it appears that you are both able to communicate thoughtfully -these are huge and positive. Giant curveballs are part of life, and being able to discuss them especially with a skilled therapist definitely improves odds of coming through to the other side.

I did not mind a man with kids, but was very concerned up front about mini-wife situations since I'd watched my sister havng to deal with that in her life. So when I met my current DH (second husband) I tried to look pretty carefully at his two kids and his relationship with them. And things were great for 10 years, I was especially close to my SD, her husband, and considered their son to be my grandson... until DH's son (also married at the time) got involved with a really nasty woman.

Within a year, our entire family was turned upside down, both adult kids' marriages were destroyed, DH and his daughter were involved in an emotional affair, his kids were telling him he needed to leave me - and it went downhill from there.

My DH finally agreed to some limited but intense counseling, we erected some shiny new boundaries around our marriage, and we both had to compromise in order to stay together - which we were willing to do because we love each other.

Things are still rocky and whatever lies ahead it will be a different reality than the one we started with. And it sounds like that is what it will be for you - a new reality. And only you can decide if the compromises you and your DH can agree on will be sufficient for you.

Your phrase "boundaries vs walls" is brilliant. I want healthy boundaries, not walls. I do not need an engaged relationship with my SKs, but life will be a lot easier for everyone if they will respect our marital boundary and be willing to co-exist in a mature, adult, civil fashion (which, so far, they are not).

Good luck and very best wishes as you work through this.

Thank you for sharing and for

Thank you for sharing and for your warm wishes.

You can have boundaries

You can have boundaries without walls. Allow your DH to acknowledge his new DD but let him know you will not take any financial part in it. Also that you expect the marriage to be first priority and you must be respected as his wife, she will be treated as a daughter and not as a mini-wife.

I agree with you. I have

I agree with you. I have these 2 under my "expectations" list that I will suggest to DH we draft and discuss.

How old is this child? Has a

How old is this child?

Has a DNA been confirmed?

It is important to start with these facts.

18 years old. Yes DNA

18 years old. Yes DNA confirmed.

DNA test is a must. If BM was

DNA test is a must. If BM was able to lie for 18 years she is definitely capable of lying about who knocked her up. She may not even really know who the father is, there could be several possibilities, but who wants to tell their child what a sl*t they were.

Verify that she really is his child (grown up) first and then DH can go from there. If this is DH's child then the relationship is between him and her and should not disrupt your marriage or finances.

Thank you.

Absolutely he could be

Absolutely he could be ordered to pay. ALSO Mom and daughter could also sue for back child support

100bucks a month x 52 x 18 could be over 96K

But hey,,,why bring THAT little side bar up.

If you've ever seen the movie

If you've ever seen the movie "What About Bob" where a lonely guy latches onto a family and divides and conquers, I would say it happens in real life too if we don't have boundaries. Boundaries say 'we are a family of two' the rest of you are visitors to our home. We have a marriage, you don't have that relationship with us. The sooner they understand that the better. Boundaries say 'I will consult my wife first and get back to you on that' when any get-togethers are suggested.

Setting up a wall, on the other hand, is what several SMs have done, and I think that is detrimental to the marriage. A wall says, 'I want nothing to do with your children, no contact whatsoever, and they are forbidden to come to my home'. I would blame the DH's for failing to set the tone from the start, failing to protect his marriage.

I recently read the book Mini Wife Syndrome. The author of the book NEVER allows her husband to go on a 'date-night' with his daughter. Date nights only happen between a husband and wife. Outings with the SD are done as a group family event. That's a healthy boundary that's good for the marriage and good for the SD's understanding of her place.

^^^^^^^^^yes. Well said.

I agree with what you wrote

I agree with what you wrote in your post but think we all have different definitions of what a 'wall' is. That was part of the issue with the OP - her DH was so vague she could not get a handle on what he meant.

When I told DH that SD was not allowed in our home unless he could inform her that she is to respect me as his wife, I was not setting up a wall. I gave him the choice to support me and demonstrate to SD that our marriage was a priority - that it was unacceptable to treat me like dog doo in my own home, not allow such negativity in my life. In my opinion that is a boundary, and it saved our marriage. If DH ever chooses to 'set the tone' and 'protect his marriage', I will reconsider SD's part in my life.

Happily, DH and I decided to

Happily, DH and I decided to have set scheduled "discussion" days when we compartmentalize our feelings regarding the situation and refrain from talking about our feelings at other times - which has allowed us to focus on other parts of our lives we've been neglecting. We're currently on the same page with our expectations and setting "boundaries" with her. My husband is an amazing man who says and has shown that he puts me first. He says he wants to be considerate of her feelings but will never put hers before mine. I believe him.

My fear, however, is that he may have feelings of doubt (which I know may be normal, I just wish he would not have them), where he may wonder if he's doing the right thing by creating a separation and setting these boundaries...