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Your Advice is Appreciated - PART II

Emilly2016's picture

Hi all,
This is my second post about a similar topic, but I decided to create a new post because the feedback I got on my original indicates that perhaps instead of having a explicit conversation with our newly-found daughter about our relationship going forward, my DH and I should just get to know her right now and “go-with-the-flow” and bring up the issue of boundaries as the issue comes up... (that’s what I’m getting from my last post’s feedback anyway)… I want to say that I found this forum last week and it has been a MAJOR help to me processing my situation, which I will discuss in more detail below because I think the lack of detail was off-putting to some who left nasty comments. I’m completely open to all feedback as my aim is to gain perspective and insight to best inform my decisions from here on, however, I would appreciate if the feedback is constructive rather than outright namecalling. Thank you.

2 and ½ weeks ago my DH and I was informed that he has a 18-year-old daughter from a one-night stand. He didn’t even remember BM’s name. DH and I have been together 6 ½ years and married 1 year. 3 days before we found out about his newly-found daughter (NFD), I had a miscarriage (I was only 6 weeks pregnant). We both were under the assumption that we had married childless people and I actually had told DH when we first started dating that I did not want to date people with children (no offense or no judgments on people that have children and are dating, it just was my choice), and that it was a deal breaker for me… Overall DH and I compliment each other in every way possible and our relationship has mainly been birds singing love songs and heart shaped clouds with minor showers of rain that we easily dealt with (seriously though our relationship is good, my DH is amazing, and there’s no complaints). DH and I discussed our situation and I made it clear that this situation was difficult for me but I would never give him an ultimatum. I’m going to continue to stand by his side and support him in all ways possible (which is why I’m asking this forum for opinions as well – I know how I’m thinking and feeling, and I want to balance by considering what others who may have similar experience in this situation have to say).
We contacted BM and she had her story about why she had not contacted my DH until now and my DH said that he does not want to get angry as it won’t be beneficial for any of us. I concur. His NFD appears to be a nice girl who is going to college soon. The day after she met DH, she called him “dad” and has been texting and asking to skype everyday since she met him. DH had responded immediately to all texts and has been skyping. I should note also, however, that DH always shares the texts with me and we try to sky together. On our last skype session she had her family over and she introduced us to her grandparents, best friends, aunties, and uncles, who also called my DH “dad.” I have been attempting to manage and process my emotions through the help of family, friends, therapist, and this forum, and I shared with my DH that I felt that this “flow” that we’re “going” with feels too fast and to slow things down a bit for both of us to process together. Since then, she continues to text, but DH has been slower to respond.
Now that DH and I are on the same page with how we feel about our situation and what we want going forward, we’re both wondering if we should include NFD in this discussion and have an explicit discussion with her?... We’re not sure yet... So my question for all of you I would appreciate your feedback on is:

Question: Should we ask newly-found daughter what she expects and her hopes the relationship or not – why and why not. If yes, how do you recommend bringing it up and what should we include?

THANK YOU in Advance.

BlueSkies2016's picture

I certainly understand approaching the situation with caution - I think that is wise. It doesn't seem like she has any ulterior motives other than wanting to know her dad, which is understandable. As hard as it is, try not to feel threatened with the constant communication. I know how hard this is, my husband has five adult daughters and it was difficult for me to adjust to this as I am child free and have never been in a relationship with someone who had kids (by choice). This is a very big moment in both of their lives. It may die down some as they get to know each other, or it may be a daily thing. I talk to my parents at least once a day, and text them throughout the day, and I'm 39. I've spoken to them daily since I moved out - we're just close. Request that he keeps you in the loop with their conversations and that your husband inform you if she has any requests such as getting together, needing money, etc.

Since this is so new I think you and your husband should set your boundaries with each other. For instance you need to know if they're going to meet X amount of time in advance, or no giving of money, no canceling plans with you for her, etc. I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to be uncomfortable with this situation - this is a huge life changing situation. I think you should discuss your fears and feelings with your husband so he can be considerate with you as his relationship progresses. He may not be aware that certain things bother you otherwise. If you both go into this completely open with each other I think their is less of an opportunity for your feelings to be neglected or hurt. As he is getting to know her you may want to make yourself available to her as well, give her your contact info and maybe have coffee with her in the afternoon every now and then. As she does not know her father I doubt that you will have the competition with her that some of us have experienced as you have been present with your husband from day one of their relationship. Your husband doesn't provide resources to her so she is not going to feel that you are taking anything away from her.

Try to remain as positive as possible. It's a hard situation but not insurmountable. I think your husband's loyalties lie with you since you have been a primary staple in his life. Try to remain patient and understanding, and keep the lines of communication open between you and your husband. Voice your concerns to him and be on the look out for any red flags. Unless actions indicate otherwise, she just wants a relationship with her father, try to be supportive. She's been living with a void of not having that relationship in her life and I'm certain that's been hard. You will get used to it in time. I think in this situation you have an opportunity to have a close relationship with her if you're interested as you and your husband are a package deal so to speak. This may end up being a positive in your life - try to keep an open mind.

Emilly2016's picture

Thank you for your encouraging words. The positive in all this is that my DH and I have been communicating more often and on a deeper level recently, and I am reminded again of why I fell in love with him and continue to love him. Our communication is amazing and there is clear respect and consideration on both our parts - I am blessed.

I will try to keep an open mind. Maybe later on in the year I may post another asking for advice on how to maintain positivity. LoL. Right now, however, I am hopeful that things will fall into place, and have faith that all 3 of us will be comfortable and happy with our places.

twoviewpoints's picture

Will NFD be going to college fairly locally or out of state? That answer should give you some idea as to how often the young lady will be in town. Breaks and holidays home with her mother verses the university across town would make a big difference.

NFD is not a child, as you know. Young adult , first year college, all new friends and lots of study time really isn't going to leave much time for physical intrusion. Currently, I'm sure there is a sense of urgency and excitement on her part. That should wear off a bit. I would think she is as nervous about all this as you are.

Emilly2016's picture

It sounds like you're saying I may not need to have a discussion because her life "isn't going to leave much time for physical intrusion." I considered this, but also realize that if she wants to get to know her father, I'm sure she'll find time.

twoviewpoints's picture

My DS found out he had an 18yr NFS in the same manner your DH did. Getting to know each other has been a long slow process. Face to face has been four times in two years.

They spend much more time texting, emailing and Skype. The young man had his next six years pretty well planned out with foreign studies and travel. I've yet to meet the young man in person.

Emilly2016's picture

Really? Although I know this occurs, I don't know anyone else that this has happened to - how did your DS deal with this initially?

twoviewpoints's picture

Surprise. Shock. Curiosity.

DS already has my GS15 (which he's raised since birth) so the idea of being a father/parent probably didn't 'hit' my son as off balance as your DH's child. NFS was adopted out by the BM at birth. The young man led a fabulous childhood. My DS has met the adoptive parents once at the initial DNA test and introduction. NFS wanted to met and know his biological father.

Hopefully one day when NFS is ready the rest of the family will get a chance to met ad know him also.

My kid's picture

This girl found her daddy. The man she has been dreaming of all her life. Of coarse she is all about dad and introducing him to people. After 18 years she finally has a dad!! I want to throat punch her mother!!!

Look. I get that you are upset but you need to step back some and let them figure this out themselves. Set limits of $$ spent and vacations seeing each other but texting? You said he texts others right back. Don't be a jealous women and make him wait to text his kid back. Why? Because this will come back to bite you in the butt. You will be the person that tried to keep them apart and you will be the bad guy and both will fault you. Instead let them get tired of each other and they will settle down. His love for her will be different than his love for you.
Just my opinion as a man.

notasm3's picture

Every year tens of thousands of donor conceived children are born. The vast majority will never know their DNA related parent.

The only real difference here is that your DH did not make a conscious decision to be a donor. But at this point that's all he really is - a sperm donor.

I think it's only natural for each of them to want to get to now each other. But there is no real bond yet. She can call him dad, but he's never been a father to her. And there's only a limited amount of "fathering" that one can do for an adult.

My father met his mother when he was about the age of your DH's child. He was given to another couple at age 2 (so had no memories) and was raised hundreds of miles away by a couple that he thought were his parents until his late teens.

We lived near her until I was about 10. She was more of an acquaintance than a relative. They were never close, and he really never thought of her as his mother. He always referred to her by her first name. I honestly never thought of her as my "real" grandmother although I called her Grandma lastname. She died when I was about 30, and it didn't cross my mind to go to her funeral.

I know adopted people that met their bio parent as adults. Some have formed close relationships. Others do not have anything to do with their bio parent.

You really at this stage cannot predict how any of you will feel.

notasm3's picture

True - but when adult children meet their bio parent for the first time after they are grown (no matter how it came about) they are basically strangers. Some of them click and feel like they always knew the other person - while others find nothing they like and run for the hills. Nobody can predict what this will be.

notsobad's picture

I have a friend who was adopted at birth.

She's met her birth mother and while she likes the woman she feels no real bond with her. They talk and have kept contact but she is much closer to her adoptive mother.

Her bio Dad died 2 years after she was born. She met his family and said she felt instantly at home, that they were her people. Unfortunately they haven't kept contact and she regrets that.

So there is no rhyme or reason when it comes to these things.

Just keep and open mind and heart.

still learning's picture

"texting and asking to skype everyday since she met him."

It sounds like NFD has a new boyfriend. Seriously, that is a bit over the top IMHO. Sure she's excited and lets remember that DH is a grown man, has a wife and many adult responsibilities. He's not a teen boy who has time for daily texting and skyping this young lady. He needs to set some boundaries now. This creepily reminds me of the GSA article that was posted on your last thread.

sandye21's picture

First of all, I am so sorry about your miscarriage. I am sure you are still grieving so it is even harder to deal with the sudden discovery of the NFD. I agree DH is the one who should be setting boundaries and he should be the one to gently start backing off a bit from the daily skypes and texts. He needs to let NFD know how highly he thinks of you - like he values you like no one else in his life. If she doesn't get the message, maybe it will be time for more explicit boundaries.

notsobad's picture

Again, so sorry for your loss.

As you and your husband go forward and deal with this please take the time to grieve and take care of yourselves. It's important.

I think you are handling this with grace and an open mind. Who knew for better or worse would include a surprise like this!

I know people who've had almost this same situation. He found out about an adult daughter when she was 16 -18? He and his wife had been married for 14 - 15 years? and had two children.
Together they dealt with it and today are more like an Aunt and Uncle to her. His first priority was and still is his wife and their children.