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So emotionally disgusted, need help!!

Survivor227's picture

So I married my DH two weeks ago. He is unemployed, so I am the only one working. His choice to quit. I have 5 kids and he has two bios, then he also sees his ex step kids from his second marriage every other weekend. He does help do stuff for my kids by getting them enrolled for classes and that stuff. He's VERY verbal to them and has NO problem telling them when and where they screw up or fall short of his expectations. I was a single parent for 19 years and my kids and I had to manage our lives and many times do without vacations, fun times, even the basics in life if there was not enough money. I do get child support for my kids, but it's never been a consistent thing. So now I am paying for my kids, him, his son and his parents( we live in their house because his mom has cancer) then also his other two kids when they come to visit. I have bent over backwards for his bios who treat me like crap and he knows they treat me like crap. His son is a behavioral nightmare, got kicked out of public school, put in a behavior school, then back to public school. Doesn't do his work, I spent last summer dragging him through his online 7th grade math, working nights. No appreciation only crap and lies to his father. His daughter is a mess too, will lie to your face and stab you in the back. She lives with his second ex wife and his first ex wife. So now we just got back from our honeymoon, he's an avid fisherman and I spent 100$ on tackle for him. Well it's time for the other two non bios to visit this weekend and he by God was gonna take them out on the boat. When he announced that he was going fishing, I told him that I wasn't sure we financially could afford it. But then he got pissy and said that we have a serious problem if we can't afford 10$. He went behind my back to his bank(he has a personal loan that he's can't get paid down, he is always taking money out of it. This is debt he incurred while married to wife number 2) and took the money available and put it in his account. I am trying to be objective, but this was very very very inappropriate. I am paying for ALL his bills and mine, for him to do this puts me in a state of panic. I bust my ass, to have that crap pulled is just disrespectful. Am I wrong? I feel that I need to inform him that since he felt the need to not discuss this with me, then he needs to have his own money and find employment again.

thinkthrice's picture

RUNNNNNNNN!!

I am in similar circumstances except his kids PASed out for good. Single parent life was MUCH easier. And I say that as a true single parent (no SO, CS or stepdaddy bigbucks to make "single parentdom" a dream come true)
Now you have quite literally have 10 dependants. Get out now while you still can!

Aeron's picture

Wait - you're the only one with an income but he went into your joint account and took All the money and put it in His account?

Sweetie, you don't need to talk to the a-hole, you need to file for divorce and stop supporting his whole effing family and his man baby self! Why, Why on Earth would you marry into this and take on this burden that is not yours?

Disneyfan's picture

Is this the guy who is home playing with chicken instead of working?

If so, you knew he what he was about before you married him. Why in the world did you go through with the marriage?

Icansorelate's picture

why on earth would you agree to all this and knowing all this, why did you marry him?

get a divorce before you end up giving him your assets.

Also, if money is tight sell the boat.

Survivor227's picture

Thanks for your support, I guess you've all never made bad choices, and shit perfection. He wasn't unemployed until June, and he had been paying his own way. We have a farm which he works on, he does the parent stuff with the kids, I can't do because I work. None of this money issue came about until very recent, and this is his first time pulling this with me paying the bills. I haven't been married in 19 years because my kids came first. So thanks for your honesty. Maybe going in depth with people before you jump and crucify might go better. This is for support not for you perfect people to judge others.

twoviewpoints's picture

I've not read your post prior to this one. So all I 'know' of your situation is what this OP above told me.

Ok. You and five kids moved into your inlaw's house on their farm. Your DH works on the farm. You have no rent/mortgage payment. No utilities to pay. Yet you squealed over $10 to be spent boating on his kids.

I'm not going to judge you marrying. Nope. But what you gonna do when maw and paw in law hands you a bill for housing six people in the Hotel In-law Plaza.

Survivor227's picture

I pay our share of utilities and I buy 90% of the food. I also buy the feed for the animals as well. I am saving to pay half of taxes and annual insurance there too, so it isn't a free ride.

Disneyfan's picture

Wait, you posted a few weeks ago about him planning to spend money on his kid AFTER the two of you agreed to cut back a bit.

You posted then that he quit his job and was doing something at home with the chickens. You also said he could not get a job and make the kids tend to the chickens because the kids didn't want to. :sick:

The man was taking advantage of you financially and completely disregarding you before you hit married. Do you really expect that to change after saying I do?

Survivor227's picture

No I said the kids DONT take care of the chickens, again retread what was posted, someone said the kids SHOULD take care of them. It's only July, he quit his job in June. So this is new stuff that we are sorting through. I was seeking some advice on how to be fair and address this issue. I've been concerned about being exploited, because it's happened before. By my ex husband. We all tend to carry all of our baggage of past relationships with us to new ones. I am trying to be objective, to be fair he gets up at 5 am every morning and cooks my breakfast, makes my lunch, and cooks everyone dinner. He then cooks my dinner closer to when I get home. He takes care of the shopping and kids. I just have a very big money issue when expenditures are not communicated.

Survivor227's picture

Yes we sat down with pen and paper. Put all of the bills down and had a hard talk about not being able to have all the frills we'd have with two incomes. How we'd have to be frugal.

On eggshells's picture

Hi there -

I'm sorry you are going through this. He really does need to get a job. I'm sure you covering every expense was not part of the deal when you decided to get married. I understand sharing the load, and taking turns when necessary, but he needs to be making and effort to contribute more and, even moreso, needs to be courteous about the fact that you are supporting him right now. That means not spending money on entertainment until he has some kind of job. To me, this lack of effort and courtesy is "deal breaking" behavior.

It sounds like your finances are separate. Be sure to keep it that way. It sounds like you had a serious discussion with him about this already.

Survivor227's picture

Yes, we did and thank you for not being so hateful. This is a new role and we discussed this last night. He's always had control of everything in his life, and to be fair, how would a total role reversal affect each of us was not really comprehended. Just like he wants me to surrender the grocery shopping, meals, and overall household running to him. Which I have trouble assimilating. It's a learning curve and I thank you so much for pleasant guidance instead of bashing.

Survivor227's picture

I understand your points, I am a nurse, I work 12s, my kids are all older, way past daycare age. I agree with all of your points about chicken farming. I agree that he has poor parenting skills, we have had that talk about his son. What can I do after that point? We had a discussion last night over the money issue. He claims that it was a knee jerk reaction to transfer the money, and he did use 25 of the 40$ at the grocery store. My money gets deposited into my account only. So he doesn't have access to it. He also knows I'm watching what we spend with a vigil. So if his intent to use me as a sugar mama is true, he's missed.