My stepdaugthers mother has just committed suicide
Hi,
I'm a 28 year old leisure centre duty manager living in the UK and getting married in Feb next year to my lovely man. We've been together for 8 1/2 years and he has a 16 year old daughter and although we aren't married yet, I've always considered his daughter my step child.
She has been living with us for the last 3 months as her mother recently suffered a mental breakdown following the break up of a serious relationship. This was meant to be temporary while her mum got her self back up and running and while my step daughter did her GCSEs. However, this week things took a tragic turn as her mother unexpectantly committed suicide in her family home, with her own mother and 10 year old niece down stairs. I was there when they told her and my heart broke for her. We've always been close and I am FURIOUS at her mother for leaving her. I love her - she is the most wonderful teenager, I just can't understand why her mother felt she couldn't carry on and we will never really understand why she did it.
Beside the feeling of helplessness and love that feel for my grieving SD, I feel anger. She's obviously going to continue living with us but when i think about it I just want to scream. It was one thing if she CHOSE to live with us, we'd love to have her with us, but her mother has taken any control of that out of hands. I feel selfish but if I could I'd slap the selfish cow. Now I have to think about where we are going to live, how she's going to get to college, clean up after her for the next couple of weeks and I don't even want to start thinking about the financial implications. All control out of the situation is gone and I hate it. There's also the fact I'm stuck in an awkward position where I am helping a teenager grieve for her mother and keeping my fiancé under control as he is full anger and pain. My fiancé and her mother had my step daughter very young and haven't been together since she was just a month old but he's grieving in his own way, being over protective of his daughter. It's meant that my step daughter will talk to me and then I have to tell my fiancé before he talks to her about it, as I know he might inadvertently make her feel bad with his immediate reaction.
It's crap and I don't know how to support my family. Has anyone had any thing like this before and know where to go for a legal/financial support in the uk?
Thanks,
Rie
My husbands former SD18s
My husbands former SD18s father (BMs from a relationship prior to DH knocking her up) committed suicide on Father's Day this year. I posted about it.
I totally understand your anger...and the frustration that the person you are angry with isn't even available to yell at. Mentally ill or not, suicide is nothing but the epitome of selfishness. All you can do is be supportive of the people left behind.
I am so very sorry that you are all having to go through this. I don't know what resources are available in the UK, but I'm sure counseling will be needed, once the initial shock is over. The consequences of suicide are so far-reaching it's hard to process, so for now, just focus on the present, who needs doing Today, and maybe tomorrow. The rest can wait (really, it can).
So sad this happened to this
So sad this happened to this 16 year old Girl, But consider yourself "LUCKY" She is NO longer around any of you to continue ruining your life and covert it as miserable as hers was!! Raise that Child to the best of your ability, it will be very difficult but she needs you and she needs Love most of all!!
So sad this happened to this
So sad this happened to this 16 year old Girl, But consider yourself "LUCKY" She is NO longer around any of you to continue ruining your life and convert it to as miserable as hers was!! Raise that Child to the best of your ability, it will be very difficult but she needs you and she needs Love most of all!!
I don't know about legal
I don't know about legal side, perhaps the CAB (Citizen advice bureau) maybe able to help.
I would also look at either Winston's Wish or CHUMS bereavement Services both are for children who have lost a loved one for your SD to help her through this time.
I would go to the citizens
I would go to the citizens advice bureau if I were you. They will hopefully be able to point you in the right direction or help to research where to get help. Also I would get in contact with your sd's school if you haven't already. They will be able to help support her and make alternative plans for her exams if needed. When I was a school one of my friends mothers died during her a levels. She had cancer so it was not a shock but having the school informed helped her to know her options and get the support needed. Your gp might also be able to offer help or contact information for support groups. Remember to look after yourself as well as well as everyone else.
I am so sorry that you all have to deal with this. The situation is awful. Just keep putting on foot in front of the other and get through the days. Somehow you will all work it out even if it takes a while to sort out the mess BM left behind. These circumstances are awful and as with everything in life there is no right way to go about things, just do what you can when you can.
Losing a parent at any age is
Losing a parent at any age is hard - especially moms. This young teen needs counseling, as does her father ... and YOU.
After the initial shock has worn off there is going to be a fountain of emotion spouting out of everyone. You are about to undergo some major life changes, as is your SO. Teens can be especially challenging and adding the suicide of a mother makes it crucial that you all have professional help.
If it were me, I might want to wait and see how the next few months go before I'd commit to the upcoming wedding. But that's just me. I would be seriously concerned about how the dynamics of all these relationships would weather the storm. His being "overprotective" of his daughter may be just a hint of things to come - and it may create problems for you in the long-run.
All my best to you ...
Thank you for your post, it
Thank you for your post, it much softer than the previously mentioned post, however I do understand mental illness. In fact I have a schizophrenic mother, schizophrenic grand mother, a depressive uncle and a bi polar step mother. I understand that she must have been in incredible pain to go to the lengths she went to but I also feel my own reaction is valid and I just needed to vent it out instead of on my family.
I understand your fury at
I understand your fury at BM's selfish action. Just be there for your SD. She will need you and her dad and you will need each other as you navigate her grieving for her mom.
Good luck and don't forget to take care of yourself through all of this.
You are missing the strong
You are missing the strong possibility that in a way she may have felt she was doing it for her daughter. As perverse as that sounds, it may have been the case. Many people who are suicidal think that by dying they will actually make the lives of their loved ones better. They feel like they are a burden to their family and friends and that their loved ones would be better off without them. They think their loved ones will be sad and grieve, but they will get over it and will be glad they don't have to worry about the person anymore.
They feel hopeless and worthless and like they don't deserve to live. They not only feel like they want to die - but that they should die. They feel they will be doing everyone else a favor if they are gone.
Suicidal people are mentally ill, and their logic is often faulty. The thing is - it is their reality and to them their thought process makes total sense.
I can't speak as to why this woman killed herself. I can say that judging her and comparing her story to yours isn't going to help you or her daughter. You are in a difficult position, and I hope you can find your way through it in as easy a way as possible.