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Toddler Tantrums

Tracetron's picture

So I'm knew the whole stepparent game. I'm engaged to a wonderful guy who has a toddler, I have been around him since he was 5 mos old so basically most of his life at this point. I have no experience with children besides my sisters kids, and I have never really been the motherly type. (I've always had cats and career driven).
So here I am in this situation of this toddler who literally throws fits all the time when he is told no. It is obvious to me that the BM does not discipline in any way, so the only time this kid hears no is from me and his father. I have heard that when he throws his fits to not acknowledge it and walk away, which in turn makes him straighten up and he is fine. I've told the BD this and he is on board but still seems to acknowledge his tantrums. ESPECIALLY the toddlers grandparents do this when they are here. And I, of course, can't say anything because I am literally only his almost step mom.
Next, this kid screams and cries usually when he wakes up from a nap or is trying to be put down for sleep. He screams and cries uncontrollably and cannot be consoled. I feel like this is also a behavior issue, but the BD (fiancé) seems to think he is scared and needs to be held... (maybe I'm an asshole, but I think the kid needs to cry it out).
He does this inconsolable crying often... and at times has made us late for work, etc..
Does anyone have some advice on how to handle this? It drives me insane as well as his dad. When the kids does this I feel outraged and I literally just want to sit there and watch him cry, it's incredibly hard for me to feel bad or to want to baby him (I realize he is a toddler, but heck at some point he should start learning correct behaviors even if it's the hard way!?)

Maxwell09's picture

I've been with my SS since he was around 8month old. He is now almost five. For tantrums: they are for attention so ignore. Do not engage and when he does "use his words" to ask for things encourage that good behavior. People used to look at me like I was nuts when I was in the grocery store and I would randomly tell SS how great he was behaving. Encourage him to act like a big boy and show him what that means. At three years old my SS would walk passed by some screaming toddler and say "wow max that kid is being a baby" and I would say "absolutely, I'm so glad you don't do that". You have to set the standard, encourage it, and enforce it. The biggest punishment you can give to a toddler is refusing to give him your attention. When SS would act out in front of company, DH would simply, without any words, pick him up and put him in his room and shut the door telling him to come out when he is ready to be a big boy again. Rinse and repeat a thousand times over. His room is filled with toys so once DH drops him there or now sends him there he will eventually forget whatever he was whining about and play or come back out to be around us again.

Litay's picture

With respect to the fits, it depends on the situation. If the toddler is at a store and throws a fit because he wants a balloon, or he wants a third piece of chocolate cake at home, then, yes, ignore him. My step daughter used to do this, and it definitely got out of control in later years.

Fits thrown in conjunction with sleeping or waking are different somehow. I'm with the BD, the child needs to be consoled. My husband and I often disagreed about this, but I never could let my son cry it out by himself at bedtime. I cuddled him and stayed with him until he slept. My son was very well adjusted as a slightly older child, and I attributed this to him having a secure and loving base during his baby and toddler years.

Litay's picture

With respect to the fits, it depends on the situation. If the toddler is at a store and throws a fit because he wants a balloon, or he wants a third piece of chocolate cake at home, then, yes, ignore him. My step daughter used to do this, and it definitely got out of control in later years.

Fits thrown in conjunction with sleeping or waking are different somehow. I'm with the BD, the child needs to be consoled. My husband and I often disagreed about this, but I never could let my son cry it out by himself at bedtime. I cuddled him and stayed with him until he slept. My son was very well adjusted as a slightly older child, and I attributed this to him having a secure and loving base during his baby and toddler years.

Tracetron's picture

I don't think SS(2) gets told now at the BM's house either. He also sleeps in the bed with her too.
At the BD's house he usually puts him in his own bed until he wakes up in the middle of the night then he puts him in bed with him.

I do need more patience for the situation, thanks for the input and advice.

moeilijk's picture

How old is this kid, exactly?

I have DD2.5, and we've had about... 5 tantrums, ever. One was last night - she was overtired, overstimulated, and hungry. She fell asleep before dinner and woke up 45 minutes later and had a fit. I really wasn't surprised.

So I comforted her, offered her food and water, and the two times her behaviour crossed into not-allowed, I reminded her of the rules. I just kept telling her that I knew she was upset, that things were not going as she wanted right now, that she was doing a good job of calming down and the calmer she was, the better she could tell me what she wanted so I could help her.

But if this is a regular thing, it looks like the kid needs support developing more effective communication tools, and that the adults need to talk a lot more to the kid - naming emotions, identifying needs, and explaining the situation really helps.

In my own situation, DD never 'benefits' from a tantrum, but she does get our support to help her manage her feelings. But if it was about us saying NO, it's still NO. If it was time to put shoes on, then she can put them on or we carry her to the car while she yells.

I think the most important thing about being a parent, especially of toddlers and teenagers, is to set your limits close. If you're already angry, that's way to late to start disciplining. On a scale of 1-10, your irritation should not get above 3 before you're delivering warnings/explaining consequences. And by the time you're at 5/10, the kid is being disciplined. Because 10 minutes later, they'll be testing the same darn limit.

Tracetron's picture

That is really great advice. I have a really hard time not getting irritated and should work on my patience, of which I've never had Sad
The toddler is 16 mos. So, I understand that he is still somewhat a baby but the thing is he knows what words are and what they mean and knows what No means. I think it's a good point to start articulating behaviors and talking more.
Thanks for that.

moeilijk's picture

TBH, 16 months is truly the age at which the tone is set for tantrums.

Most kids start being able to communicate at around 14 months. Sometimes with a sound or gesture (or a couple) that clearly always mean the same thing. By 16 months, they want to communicate more, but can't yet.

I'll tell you what we did. Maybe it's useful for you.

When DD started yelling and screaming, we physically removed her from the situation. If she was in her high chair, we turned her around. Now she's not getting any more stimulation from what was going on. Then either I or DH would 'coach' her through the tantrum. Naming feelings, "DD, you're very angry. Anger is a really big, strong feeling. It's ok to be angry, everybody gets angry sometimes. And you can be angry for a little bit, then you can calm down a bit. When you calm down, you'll start to feel a bit nicer." And so on.

The yelling never ever changed the facts of the situation for her. And we didn't get angry back. Keep in mind, though, that I'm a SAHM, so our lifestyle allowed me to spend the time with her to do this as needed. We probably did this... well, I guess I lied up above, because I did this with her 3 times, and I think my husband once or twice. Since then, we've had two major tantrums and two minor. Lots of whining and fussing, but we just tell her we can't understand her, so when she calms down she can try asking again and BOOM it's over. Lol.

The other thing I did was take pictures of her 'feeling' different things. Once she had her emotions named for her enough, she could make a happy face, for example, so I could take a picture of that. And one time when she was yelling. And when she did something she was proud of, like putting her leg through her pants. Then I printed them out, labelled them on the back, and laminated them. To this day she enjoys getting them out and talking about the different feelings. Sometimes she gives them to her stuffed animals - as in, Teddy Bear is angry, here's the card for that.

I truly think that for DD, giving her the concepts so she could understand her inner world a bit better helped, as well as giving her tools/words so she could communicate that to us helped. If your toddler is non-verbal, then basic gestures or pointing at a picture might help? Frustration + inability to communicate often = biting, hitting, temper tantrums, etc etc.

moeilijk's picture

True. I was thinking she could use parenting info to see what her SO actually does, so she gets an idea of whether he's parenting his kid or not.

Although, I allow grandparents, babysitters, etc to discipline my kid. I tell them the rules DD already knows, and teach them how to enforce the rules if DH and I are not there. I'm not going to allow any adult in charge of taking good care of my kid to have responsibility without concomitant authority. That would put the kid in charge - and that's not going to happen!

Tracetron's picture

Moeilijk:
Right, I'm not saying I want to discipline or be the parent... If you put someone in charge of watching your kid they should be able to discipline, I don't understand why it's not OK for the SP to do it?
I think the BD should be the one doing the discipline as the child is his responsibility, but since we are getting married this is a partnership, if I just let the kid get away with bad behavior I would be enabling the situation.

Ugh, idk... it's whatever. :?

Tracetron's picture

Thanks for the advice...
I don't share a home with them, perhaps that should have been made clear. I understand it's not my place to discipline, I don't want to be the child's mom... he already has one; should I just not react to the bad behavior? Just wait until dad does something or merely point it out to him ?
My point saying I was around the child "sooo long" was pointing out that I have met and been present in his life for that long.

Rags's picture

Even toddlers can manipulate and this has the earmarks of just that. Manipulation.

Rather than ignore him pick him up, walk him to his room, dump him in his crib, and shut the door and leave him there. IF there is no discernable reason for him to be pitching a fit then address each tantrum exactly the same way. He is wanting his way. If all he gets is banishment to a room all by himself... he will modify the behavior on his own.

Lather, rinse, repeat.