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Disengagement Question

Kinder1's picture

Submitted by Kinder1 on Mon, 05/30/2016 - 9:36pm

Has anyone had this experience: When you begin disengaging from SKids who don't want you around, they start to reach out more and want you back in the system? What is that?? My DH see it as "See, they like you, they want you around!". I see it as if they are just trying to get me back in the system so they have more access to DH and his checkbook as well as having a normal looking intact family with their spouses. I also see it as keeping me around as an appendage that serves some purpose but it doesn't matter that I get nothing in return. Any feedback??

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Kinder1's picture

Submitted by Kinder1 on Mon, 05/30/2016 - 9:51pm

Thank you StepAside (and I love your name). You frame it so clearly for me. What about the fact that the oldest SD (33 with a child) then calls DH and texts him "We missed you" and also texts me "Didn't you get my text?" when I don't respond? I am holding my ground but I'm pretty sure she will talk to DH alone and pressure him to "get me in line", meaning get me back in the system so I can be the target again. I WILL NOT re-engage beca;use I have been burned many times. I guess I am asking you whether or not my husband will want to leave me.

sammigirl's picture

Submitted by sammigirl on Mon, 05/30/2016 - 10:00pm

Oh yes, my DH threatened divorce, even filed for divorce. I kicked him to SD's to live for a few weeks; he hated that arrangement. DH wanted back home; my boundaries were SD was out of my life, or he bought me a home to move to, just like the one we live in. DH backed off, apologized for his part, and thinks if he is patient enough, I'll re-engage. Not happening!

So it's a possibility your DH will leave you, but my theory was "it will cost him", because I didn't ask for this, and I don't need it.

sammigirl's picture

Submitted by sammigirl on Mon, 05/30/2016 - 9:56pm

Yes, my SD56 turned so sickening sweet to me, especially in front of DH, after I basically spelled it out for her (in actions), that I didn't want to have any contact with her forever, after 30+ years of passive aggressive treatment from her.

I've been working on TOTAL disengagement for the past six years. It goes well most of the time; but my SD56 has shown her true colors more than once to DH. So it is getting easier. SD is very frustrated that I will not back off of my disengagement or the boundaries I set for myself.

If I re-engage, DH and SD will just revert back to the crap they dealt me for years; it's not happening! I will never subject myself to the bad treatment in any way, shape, or form.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 05/31/2016 - 1:40am

H's kid did the same thing. When I disengaged from her, her mother and H's bulls**t, she started coming to me for everything. I didn't fall into it and sent her to her father. He became resentful when I refused to help him with her. It started a few arguments but I always held my ground. Not my monkey, not my circus.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Tue, 05/31/2016 - 9:40am

Because it's harder for them to treat you like crap and reject you if are disengaged and don't care. They don't necessarily want you "back", they just don't want YOU making the decision to not want THEM; they are supposed to be doing the rejecting and ignoring, remember?

It's like the women (and men) who don't want their ex, but they want the ex to want them.

Just keep on with your disengagement. Nothing's changed except they feel the power shift.

Teas83's picture

Submitted by Teas83 on Tue, 05/31/2016 - 1:22pm

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Kinder1's picture

Submitted by Kinder1 on Tue, 05/31/2016 - 4:25pm

Yeah, so I finally back off and they are texting, asking if I am getting their texts, inviting, etc. I don't like to be mean spirited and I have to admit it is difficult for me. I spent 38 years in education so I am truly pro-kid and I am not a hardliner. However, these are 3 adults with spouses. They know exactly what they are doing. They voiced their feelings about a year ago, stuff like " You're not my mother", "you can't force people to like you". So, yeah that's how they feel and now I get back my self esteem. I am just concerned that they are going to take it up with DH and he is putty in their hands. I feel ready for it but I don't want any more wedges coming between us. Any advice???