About My Situation
Been married to second husband for 24 years, in a relationship with him for 4 years before marriage. His early teenage brats never wanted to be part of our relationship. Sure I met the daddy before he was fully out of his marriage but their mummy married a man she had an affair with a year later after the break up. I don't think that is the reason why the so called SK never wanted to be part of our relationship. I have my own two sons who adore their step father. They are now 38 and 39.
Invites were always extended and long story short when my husband tried to contact his daughter over the years she told him not to ring the ex-wifes house. So husband was just cut off with no explanation, this was before the internet. SK all three of them moved away overseas. Even wrote off the paternal grandparents and ceased contact with them. They are now deceased and died broken hearted.
My husband more or less started over when his marriage broke up, had to sell his insurance agency to pay out the ex wife and re finance on another. She got the house.
Over the years I really resented having to be witness to my husband being very depressed sometimes about his kids. I really wanted to involve them in our life.
Roll on all the years and the brats are back here in Australia, 2 live 1 hour away. I see this on google and facebook snooping. One son came out of the woodwork 14 years ago when he had a son born. We were always the ones making the effort to include them and invite them but no return invites. Can honestly say have not got to know them any better and the more I saw I now breathe a sigh of relief to let it go. I no longer have to have my stomach squirming trying to make conversation. My husbands kids are obviously on a different level to our simple lifestyle.
I have worked my guts out and have helped my husband pay off his debts all those years ago, I have certainly not been the poor woman that got rescued. We have both contributed evenly to our set up we have now, mortgage free, holidays, savings.
So I have gone from wanting them to be around to absolutely dreading the day they come "cap in hand". Whatever my husband wants to do is fine by me, but I have told him I want no relationship with them. He accepts that as he knows they have let him down and are very selfish. He does admit his ex wife is very much a nose in the air type of person and his children were the same and have the same self entitled behaviour. The grand daughter even did not come to her grandmothers funeral and she had been back in the country for 2 years living an hour away and couldnt even get in touch with her grandmother in the rest home while she was alive. None of them came to any of the grandparents funerals and they knew about it as the ex wife came to both funerals.
I am so glad I found this forum to be able to relate and vent.
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Comments
I am wondering if she meant
I am wondering if she meant that she met him while he was in the process of divorce. She needs to clarify.
Yes this is true, there was
Yes this is true, there was no affair, my husband's crime was to leave his marriage and try and be happy. To keep his kids happy he should of stayed and be miserable and then be there sitting in his suit looking "the part" as his wife expected while his now adult kids return from their overseas trips and expenditures. They have done okay with their lives.
There was no affair and I
There was no affair and I think they are selfish as after all the years they need to accept their father had a right to a life away from his ex wife if he was not happy. Even if the mother alientated them they are now adults. I would think they should be thankful for the private schooling and input their father gave them. Sure their lifestyle probably changed when their father left but the door was always open for them to be included and the child support was always paid. Time to get over it really. But now I don't want to know them, they in my opinion are selfish brats. They are not the poor children anymore. My son's lifestyle changed when their father and I broke up and divorced but they just accepted that we were not happy together and moved with the flow. Wasn't easy, of course it was hard for them, but my sons are the most humble caring people. Not snobs like my husband's kids have turned out. They thought they were rich and I know they were not, they just had lots of income spent on them, they looked good as a family and it was not the truth. I know they looked down their noses at me because I was not like their mother and flaunted designer clothing. Only difference is I owned my modest home outright and didn't need to impress people with designer gear and appearances and my sons are the same. My husband's kids
probably think I have benefited greatly by being married to their father but nothing is further from the truth. I am just good with managing money and it goes far if you put it into the right things. My husband was always in his suit and tie when married to his first wife as he was a professional man but she wanted that look even in the weekends. If they could see him now in his weekend gear walking the dog and not putting up appearances. We have heard from other people that my husbands kids are so materialistic and boastful but good luck to them as they have the incomes to support that. I know my husband is proud of them for their academic achievements, he says that all the time but my point is "what about their hearts and what is inside?"
Cap in hand after all these
Cap in hand after all these years of self entitled behaviour. Cap in hand because it okay for their mother to marry again but not their father. Cap in hand because they wrote off their grandparents and they died broken hearted. I did not have an affair with a married man. He was not divorced when I met him...
My father had an affair with
My father had an affair with 4 children and a wife st home. He married the other woman. Sure, she turned out to be a nut but.....none of us were ever rude to her. What happens between adults is frankly not the business of the kids as far as I'm concerned. Of course having an affair with a married man is no good bit I sincerely doubt these adult kids are without flaws either. Just ignore them!!!
Yes, you're right Ruby! Some
Yes, you're right Ruby! Some folks on here will vilify any man or woman who has an affair and defend the children who want nothing to do with them, but if a man is physically abusive to his wife these same people see no reason why the kids shouldn't have a relationship with their father.
Double standard!
So two people should have a
So two people should have a hand in ripping apart a family, then get butt hurt when they kids refuse to have anything to do them?????
Those kids made the decision not to have a relationship with the OP. That is their choice based on her actions. Like it or not, actions have consequences.
Morrimom Such a sarcastic
Morrimom Such a sarcastic response, and you are so wrong..
I don't relate to anyone who
I don't relate to anyone who has an emotional or physical affair with a man who is married. It isn't about kids, I just personally have no respect for anyone who is that type of woman.
I have to say that is a situation in which a bitter and angry BM is created, and angry skids are made.
ETA: I have been pursued by more then one married man who apparently lived with satan and was "miserable". I told them that if they were that miserable to get counseling or a divorce, but that I was not interested in any man who would betray and hurt another woman.
Affairs don't just happen. If
Affairs don't just happen. If you are an adult, and you have an affair you have consequences. A man who has an affair and leaves not only affects the wife, but the lives of the kids. It may not be about protecting the betrayed spouse, but a realization that your parent has no respect or care for anyone else but their own needs. And a child, teenager, or adult skid is going to be angry. what does the parent expect, when he taught the kid that self preservation and ones own personal needs are more important than anyone else's.
Affairs don't just happen. If
Affairs don't just happen. If you are an adult, and you have an affair you have consequences. A man who has an affair and leaves not only affects the wife, but the lives of the kids. It may not be about protecting the betrayed spouse, but a realization that your parent has no respect or care for anyone else but their own needs. And a child, teenager, or adult skid is going to be angry. what does the parent expect, when he taught the kid that self preservation and ones own personal needs are more important than anyone else's.
There is a difference between
There is a difference between being a shitt* wife or husband and being a shitt* dad or mom. Having an affair doesn't mean you should lose your children.
Oh yes, before we married my
Oh yes, before we married my husband was certainly encouraged by me to have his children/teens at his house without me or my children being present. I used to want to spend time alone with my sons too. Before he was cut off he was frequently inviting them out or asking to come into their area to see them, there was no access provision drawn up and agreed. They did not want to come much and it then came to an abrupt halt. I suspect the abrupt halt was when my husband could not finance some University education he was asked to do as with himself starting over it was impossible to do as well as pay child maintenance. My husband and I did not live together until we married, I had my own home. Interesting that my husband had separated once before from his ex wife and moved around the corner and the kids never accepted his invites to spend time with him. They would always accept an invite if it involved going to a restaurant though.
I feel these kids were calling the shots too, there should be no choice given as far as parental visitation.
In Australia you have to be
In Australia you have to be separated (living in different properties) for 1 yr before you can file for divorce. In New Zealand it is 2 years. So meeting someone who is not legally divorced is very possible. He may have even been living out of the marital home for 6 months before they met. Just saying the timeline may be different to what Americans are used to. It took my ex 3 yrs to divorce me. That is because I told him he know we were not getting back together and I was moving on with my life. So he divorced me, dumped his long time girlfriend (he met her 2 weeks after he left me)and shacked up with another woman who he married.
I do notice that in USA
I do notice that in USA divorces happen very quickly. What is the time frame that you can have a divorce at the earliest? In Australia/New Zealand it is called a separation, then a divorce can be applied for after the required time apart.
To clarify, my husband was
To clarify, my husband was separated and living in another house. He didn't get his divorce until 2 years later.It has been hard as it is very clear the ex wife had influenced the children. My husband had been a very indulgent, hardworking father. I am resentful because the ex wife married a man she had an affair with and she is the lily white one that the children have sided with. We know this because the wife of the man she ended up marrying rang my husband's workplace to tell my now husband that his ex wife was having an affair with her husband who was still in their marriage
and she was distraught because she had 3 sons. They are actually close in age to my husbands kids. I was in no hurry to rush into a marriage hence a 4 year relationship before we married. So yes we are the bad guys because it seems that my husband's offence must be to not put up with with being treated how he was, keeping up with the Joneses and his inlaws that never accepted him as being good enough for their daughter. Its just hard as can see that the now 39, 44 and 46 year old adult children are really one big happy family with their stepfathers family. I know this from other people and what can be seen on their facebooks. So I am annoyed and have no regard for these adult children anymore. I'm angry because of the sadness that was in our house not knowing "why"? In fact in the early days we did see them and they seemed okay and then just suddenly cut us off with no explanation. Pretty hard when my husband rings the ex wifes house to speak to his kids
and is told not to ring again. Of course I knew that kids need time to adjust, but so far its been 28 years. Even the daughter confirmed in front of me 26 years ago she was glad to see that her mum and dad had new relationships and were happy and she confirmed that she knew there
was trouble in the marriage before they separated. So lots of time has been spent waiting for these kids to come to terms but its very hard as they
have been very cruel by writing off their grandparents who have now died as well. I call them brats as its been long enough. I feel they thought they were wealthy, money came in and money went out and certainly didn't go in the bank as his wife liked the best but when my husband left there was nothing much left for him so he started over. Theres lots more to confirm my opinion of these kids but the full story is too long. I call them brats when I am angry and sad and having a vent!
These kids have done really well in their life and careers, one is a CEO, and the other two not far behind. I don't give a dam if they end up with their fathers money if there is any left, we have saved for our own retirements separately, I have taken responsibility for my own which will be 10 years behind my husband's retirement, I'm much better at saving as my husband sure loves to spend
and its on the cards that he will be sharing my savings when his is depleted. So anyone criticise all you wish, I am looking after my sons too, the ones that are there for us and are helpful and compassionate.
Elle Jay (hugs), I have very
Elle Jay (hugs), I have very little advise for you. I can only relate to your situation. Jabba (BM) had an affair with her boss 4 weeks after Chucky was born. This is fact and not conjecture or hear say. I worked at the same company as her.
Her and my husband separated. The boss moved in to their marital home the weekend my husband moved out. 2 years later their relationship ended and she tried to reconcile with my husband. They were not yet divorced although separated. My husband declined her offer.
3 months after this she met her now husband. So she has been with 2 men since and during the time their marriage ended.
I however am the devil personified by all parties even though my husband and I only got together 3 years after their separation and during the time of the actual divorce. You will never win in this situation.
Sending you love and light.