Pretty much. One of my favs NOT MY MONKEY NOT MY CIRCUS. I am pretty much disengaged. If it doesn't affect MY MONEY OR MY FREE TIME then I stay away all things SKIDS and let SO parent or not parent!

Disengagement means different things to different people and there are different levels of it. You have to do what works for you.

What works for you will depend on the dynamic in your home and your personality.

I was, and am, (SD is now 24) semi-disengaged. My DH did all things pertaining to his daughter; cooked, made sure she cleaned up after herself, entertained her, everything. He loved being a dad to her so it was easy for me. I did things with, and for her, occasionally but it was at my discretion.

I'm not emotionally invested in SD but I keep on top of things, lest they affect me somehow. For instance, when my DH mentions that SD says she has no food, I say, "I guess she should be more careful how she spends or sells her food stamps." In other words, we are not buying her food or giving her money. I am not heartless, and I give to many charities, but my SD does not even TRY to support herself.

I refuse to be blindsided by some enabling bullshit, which is going to affect my finances in the end. And frankly, keeping my mouth shut has never been by strong suit.

Again, you do what works for you.

Disengagement has to be tailored to your particular situation.

Basically it means to let go of that idea you had that you were going to have this perfectly functioning blended family where everyone loves each other and gets along, and realize that sometimes to get along you have to let it go.

For me it means: I no longer try to go do "fun" stuff with the skids--they don't appreciate it. I don't buy things for the skids or even allow myself to consider "would SS or SD like this thing" because they don't appreciate it, and especially with SD, once she learned I had bought something for her that thing was never used/worn/played with. I don't consider their "special" wants when it comes to food--you don't want what I cooked, I don't care, eat or don't...daddy can deal with it. I rarely watch the skids or transport them when DH isn't home, but I still do if it either makes MY life easier or in some way is beneficial to the overall functioning of my household. I don't ask them to do anything--if I need/want something done by one of them, I go to DH and tell him "Hey, can you please ask SD to get all those wet towels out of her room and into the laundry"--and I let it go, it will get done or not, and if they have to dry off with mildewy towels that's fine with me. I also no longer offer my opinion on ANYthing skid related unless my opinion is specifically requested, and even then I sometimes don't because I am always accused of being negative or critical (I am a very logic oriented person, I don't sugarcoat, and I am a realist).

Again, it's whatever works for you. Figure out what level of involvement, if any, you can have and keep your internal peace. Also, I didn't make a big announcement that I was disengaging. I just gradually pulled back. DH has never said a word about it.

Yup. you keep your mouth shut, unless it affects you, your home, your pets, or your children. Skids are kind, and polite to you, you respond, if they're being unkind and/or impolite ignore, leave the room, or the house.

I disengaged very slowly, if I did something for SD and received unkind remarks about it in return, I'd eventually just get fed up, and simply refuse to do it again. I'd tell SD her mom or dad needed to do that for her from now on, since she so obviously has a problem with the way I do it. By 11ish everything I did was terrible, SD always had to shove it in my face that BM was better at everything, so I had pretty much left everything to DH to take care of. He didn't like that too much. Especially when it comes to being her chauffeur to and from school or friends houses, or being large and in charge when SD's friends stay the night, while I go out shopping :), or even just having to cook the family meals when SD is here.

I still buy all the clothing, food, presents etc, because finances are combined, and I can't trust DH to look for sales, or even worry about it for that matter.