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And the Storm Continues...

Kareldoll's picture

I have been married to my husband for 22 years. We married when his son was 8 and his daughter was 6. We co parented every other weekend, holidays, and summer vacations. We have weathered many storms during these years with both children but I feel like we are once again in storm mode. My SD, who is a self proclaimed daddy's girl lived with us until age 25. Over those yards she worked off and on but would never keep a job long before quitting or getting fired. She would not clean her room, help around the house or contribute in anyway. My husband and I would argue over her constantly. Finally her dad told her it was was time to move out and be accountable for herself. We ended up taking her car because she could not make her payments to us as agreed upon when she left. She was very angry with me over the whole situation and blamed me, not her daddy. She told my husband's family that it was my fault about having to move out and the car being taken away. She talked to her daddy often and refused to talk to me. About 6 months ago she shows up pregnant and no where to go. Her daddy and I talked and he told her it was best that she not live with us but he would help her find a place and help her with rent. Next thing we know she moves in with her BM whom she has never got along with and is the very reason she came to live with us in the first place! She had a healthy son in February and the dad is in and out of their lives. She continues to live with her mom and manipulate her daddy into paying phone bill, paying her car insurance, and doing basically anything her heart desires. She is working but has no child care costs because family members and friends are providing that for her. We gave her car back to her with the agreement she would pay her car insurance. She is not even attempting to do that. She spends her money recklessly on herself and we end up buying things the baby needs. She has the mentality of a 13 year old and raising a baby. My husband enables her constantly and she plays him against me every chance she gets. I love that baby more than anything in this world. My husband says he does what he does because of the baby. She tells family that she can get what she wants because she is daddy's little girl! She still thinks it is all about her! She is so selfish and self centered that she doesn't even comprehend that it should be all about her son! She is a drama queen and stirs up sh** all the time, on a daily basis. I don't know if I have the strength to weather another storm! I need some serious advice from those who may have experienced something like this. Please...someone out there help me. I am drowning!

Comments

Kareldoll's picture

You are so right Echo. I need to learn to disengage. It is important to me. Therefore, I will find a way. That is not an excuse...this is a fact!

Kareldoll's picture

Thank you Echo for the most needed prayers. Sometimes it helps to hear what perfect strangers have to offer because you have no horse in this race. Sometimes I am so torn by the emotional tug of war it is hard to put one foot in front of the other. I keep thing about the slogan United we stand, divided we fall." Omg how true! I am 59 and I do not deal as well with these things as I use to be able to. I am on an anti depressant and hopefully that will help take the edge off. Being able to share this blog has really help get my feelings and frustrations expressed in a medium that no one judges but offers words of encouragement. And for that I am most grateful Smile

oneoffour's picture

#1 Make sure you have your finances separated enough that you have a retirement nest egg he cannot touch.
#2 Disengage. Withdraw from the drama and the continual financial drain on your money. When DH says she missed another payment, pat him on the arm and walk away saying NOTHING.
Repeat # 1 until you only fund what YOU want to fund with regard to his daughter.

Kareldoll's picture

Good advice oneoffours. I will certainly keep that in mind. Sounds like you know what you're talking about? Are you or have you been in a similar situation? Will you share?

WokeUpABug's picture

Yes I agree. It's all fine and well for OP to take a stand, but if Dad doesn't agree I'd find it hard to disengage as he spent away all our money. If Dads not on board, then fine, finances need to be separated.

StillHatedStepMonster's picture

Agree with all about safety of finances and disengage.

My DH was diagnosed with Cancer - but apply without the pain, Ask him - if she does not learn to support herself and make choices she has to live with - what happens when he is gone?

Hopefully he wants her to be independent, not reliant on others. Better to cut her off from 'the teet' when you are around, then when you are not.

Kareldoll's picture

It is difficult for me to think about about the future of my SD without her BD being here to give in to her every whim. You are so right Stillhatedstepmom. What happens to her and the baby if something happens to my husband? Luckily we separated our funds a few years after we were married because I saw the light some 18 years ago. But the question you asked me to ask him...and the statement that preceeded that was on target. I have thought those thoughts but never verbalized them. I definitely think it is time to have that conversation.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I too have been through the wars with my husband's daughters. They are manipulative and thought nothing of using us for money, cars, babysitting, etc. And of course the gskids were used as leverage. Heartbreaking stuff.

I am lucky in that my DH has also chosen disengagement. So much so that when YSD called for the first time in seven years to announce that she was pregnant (and broke, and out of people to use), he wished her well and that was that. We've learned the hard way to not make ourselves vulnerable.

Since your H is an enabler, all you can do is protect yourself financially and emotionally. It seems like you have been made the whipping boy for all the negativity your SDs can't/won't direct towards the person who deserves it - their father. Your could also try to redirect his efforts to help by encouraging him to buy supplies for the baby rather than giving $$. His goal should be to help his daughter become independent, so keep planting that seed.

Kareldoll's picture

I keep hearing the word disengage. Can anyone share with me how to disengage? I know what the word means literally but when you are emotionally invested...how do you do that? Please give me advise on how to disengage myself. I truly believe being able to do this might be the only way to save my marriage.