Step-daughter. I need help.
I never thought i would get to a point where i actually seek out a site to help me with this situation.
My partner and i have three kids. Two are his, daughter 19, son 18 and my son is 16. All in all we have not done a bad job of blending our family. Except for my stepdaughter. We have been living together for 7 years and my step kids mother has very little/no involvement and the kids have always lived with us.
Now i get that my stepdaughter has had a hard time in her life. So has the majority of the world's population. And her brother and step brother.
And i get that my past behavior has been questionable.
But her behavior in my pretty rational mind is just so not on. And yet we live it. She is rude. you can never ask her anything because you never know how she is going to react. She holds the whole family hostage with her moods and swearing at the boys because i dunno, they breathe. She "borrows" my stuff and until recently it was years of battle because she was wearing my underwear!! She also used to wear the boys underwear. And then her dad gets upset with the boys. Because God forbid whatever you do please do not upset her. I cannot talk to my partner about this anymore. I made the mistake of sharing my feelings with him and admitting to myself and to him that i have gotten to a point where i have little arguments with her in my head where i tell her what i think of her. I make snide comments to her. My feelings towards her generally negative and mean spirited. This is who i am now. So the next day she threw a fit about something again and i reacted...i know...i should be responding, and he turns around and says...."by your own admission you said..." So much for the support from that corner. I used to look forward to her getting older and helping me out with meals and stuff. You know like a mother/daughter thing. But sorry "i'm tired, i have a headache (she is a total hypochondriac) or she goes and spends forever in the toilet because she has the runs. I am good enough to fetch her, give her money, listen to her stories but when i need to communicate with her grunting, not answering me, just ignoring me or just being rude is acceptable.
The cycle over the years is pretty standard. It will get too much for me and freak out. She freaks out. Her dad and I fight. She behaves. She starts again. I freak out. Her dad and i fight.
It is getting harder and harder for me to bounce back. the last fight we had i experienced a long period of extreme lowness and it took all of me to get back on top.
How can i deal with her? How can i get my partner to help and support me and not always point out my mistakes. I am feeling so desperate.
Thanks for listening.
Awful situation and you are
Awful situation and you are getting no support from your partner to boot. He is determine o treat you badly and to allow his daughter to walk over you.
Some of the stuff like the mood swings is normal teenage stuff or it was in my house. Even now if you catch my brother in the wrong mood he goes pouty and he is now 23. But back then at 18 you couldn't say boo to a goose to him. There may be hope she may grow out of some of it but I reckon by then it will be too late for you and your marriage
So if your the bad guy then go with it. Disengage from her completely. No more fetching her or giving her money or making her food or anything like that. Lock up your clothes and shoes and make up so they can not be taken.
If you are experiencing low periods when things are bad and your resilence is waning then consider some therapy to help you and some counselling for you and partner cause you will need it to open the channels of communication again
All of the above need to be done if you want to stay
However if you feel you have been put through enough and you feel that this is a bad environment for your son to be in (which lets face it - it is, he is watching you be worn down and beaten down by the behaviour of sd and the behaviour of your partner and the house is always full of yelling), then there would be nothing wrong with you throwing in the towel and leaving all this behind. Life is short and you deserve better than this
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply! For everyone's in fact. I think you have really hit the nail on the head. Because we have left it to so long the problem ultimately is now between the two of us. I feel let down by him in not sorting this out right at the beginning, even though i understand that where he is coming from, i feel that he should have taking the lead. I do not see her moving out anytime soon. She is one of a few students in the world who has time for naps but not to get a part time job. So something has to change and the only thing i can control is the way in which i deal with this. I feel pretty sure that my partner will be open to therapy for this.
But it's a long road and my relationship with her will take years, if ever, to fix. I feel sad for her because she had an opportunity to have a loving, supportive friend in her life but chose rather to use that to fuel her anger at the world.
I get what you are saying
I get what you are saying about not reacting to her and then she does something nice and there you are all ignoring and not reacting and now?? You have to be nice back and boom she's done it again. She's over it so now everyone must be over it. Forget you anger, hurt, whatever and move along. Not on though. You can never move on. Just along until the next drama.
And you know what's a killer. all the stuff she freaks out about like "the boys are always taking my plugs and then they break them and then and then...." and then the other day i find a box marked "spare plugs" in her room with all the plugs that have gone missing from the rest of the household. And a scatter pillow she decided looked better in her room than the lounge, or my fabric scissors. Or my shampoo "because you dont really use that brand".
sorry. rant.
good advice. thanks.
good advice. thanks.
I'm new here and I don't have
I'm new here and I don't have much to say but I feel your pain. I need to start a post explaining my story but I relate to the desperation you are feeling. The rudeness I experience- the lack of acknowledgment that I am even present in this household is painful. Sorry guys. I tried to jump right in. Just wanted to say hello and I'm thankful I found this.
Hi AnnaUnhappy I am also new.
Hi AnnaUnhappy
I am also new. that was my first post and i got so much advice in return. amazing talking to people who get it. I would like to hear your story.
Mine is on the precipice of a drama again. I have decided, and i don't care where this falls on the parenting rating system, but when she is rude to me i am going to pour water over her head. every time. I have to have a conversation with her tonight about the usual help around the house stuff but what really gets to me is her dad standing in front of me this morning saying that he has failed in raising her. I can see the depression starting in him and that breaks my heart. And i blame her for it. For all his mismanagement with her i understand that so much of letting her get away with things stems from guilt and the desire to be a good parent. He could not have foreseen her manipulative ways. And isnt the point of manipulation doing it so well that the person does not know they have been manipulated? How hard it must be to look at your child and they have bad character. How heartbreaking.
Maybe i should spray her with the hose
Not your monkey not your
Not your monkey not your problem. Sharing your underwear - that is just sick. I found a pair of my golf socks in my SD's laundry! This meant she came into my room opened my drawers and took it. I made her father get them from her - then proceed ed to dump them in the bin where she could see. That sent the strongest message to her and DD.
Hi legmel, I have a SD who
Hi legmel,
I have a SD who lives with me and DH full-time. She has - and will still now - take my things without asking. However, when I say I am missing something, she will deny having it or claims to have bought her own (in the case of tights, makeup, leggings).
Did the dumping them into a bin she could see work?
When I am missing something I find myself looking in her room almost straightaway - I feel bad, but I can't trust her to ask or return or tell the truth.
thanks,,
Hi there, I am new to this
Hi there, I am new to this site also. It's so nice to know I'm not alone! I have a 14 year old SD,and two sons of my own with my husband. Biomom is rarely in the picture, except for whatever texting communication that goes on.
It's especially good to know that the stealing seems to be a fairly commonplace problem. I ended up having to lock up all my things. Any discussion with the entitled little girl results in a major fight, as she truly believes that she is doing nothing wrong- in fact, she informed me that she "doesn't appreciate me hogging everything to myself "!! As if one can "hog" their personal property.
Anyway, I can totally relate to your issues.
I too can relate to the
I too can relate to the taking things issue! And am a bit relieved in a way it is common experience. I just don't know how to stop it?!
Advice welcome please
Xx
I totally get what you're
I totally get what you're feeling. I think SD behavior is awful, but what's really making you feel so sad is your partner's attitude. I've been in this situation too and I've learned that when I bitch to my BF about his little princess he just gets in defense in mode. Men feel overwhelmed with problems and it's easier for them to blame someone else.
If I were you I would work first in coming close to my partner first. Stop bitching and whining. Don't try to talk to him about this situation for some time. Be hard with SD, don't talk to her, don't cook for her, don't clean up after her, lock up all your stuff. Don't ask for her help or anything. Once your partner and you are in a better place talk to him and ask him to talk to his daughter and to set some boudnaries.
I lived your life...it isn't
I lived your life...it isn't going to change.
Read my post, it's under yours.
Leave and live your life!
So break the cycle. Do not
So break the cycle. Do not fight with your SO. Inform him that he will immediately step up and deal with the bullshit behavior of his toxic spawn 17yo or he will STFU while you deal with it. Give him no choice. If he insists on fighting about it, give him the talk to the hand wave, point to the door, tell him if he says another word he and his spawn can leave.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
^^^^^ This. When SD was 18,
^^^^^
This. When SD was 18, I got tired of her shit and all the fights; I gave DH and SD the heave-ho one day. Then, after things cooled down and DH and SD wanted to come back, I gave them a list of things they would both have to agree to. DH came back, SD didn't. Best move I ever made. Dh learned really quick not to screw with me anymore. I made it perfectly clear I could live without him and his being here was my choice but I didn't have to have him in my life to support me.
You can't make other people change their behaviors to suit you. You want it to change? then you change what you can control-don't want to live in a house with all the fighting; draw your line in the sand then prep to move out and get yourself and your son out of that toxic situation if your partner gives you hell. You're not doing your son any favors by your relationship. You're showing him that it's ok to let the girl treat you like crap and your partner doesn't help.