Am I a giant jerk?
So I have been a reader of this site for a long while (over a year) and I have gotten a lot of help from just reading but today something happened and after I said my part I felt like I was a giant jerk.
So basically me and my DH have been paying monthly for my SD7 to go to gymnastics every other weekend, DH has told BM multiple times about it, asked if she wanted to take SD7 on her weekends etc. She always said no, that she had her time planned and would not be taking her to anything we planned. Well a few weeks ago she all of a sudden wanted to take her and acted like DH had never told her about gymnastics. So last week at midnight on Friday she texted DH to ask to go to gymnastics with us on our time, DH actually missed it because we were asleep and noticed it after practice. So this week she emailed, asked if his phone had been turned off (not sure why, never has happened in the past) and then asked if we had paid for May so she could take her this weekend.
Now she has never paid for anything,she is on government assistance, she gets a free house (from my MIL, dont ask so screwed up), she doesn't buy clothing or shoes, or pays for food or utilities etc. All gets paid by someone else, but she has two jobs, so she has money, not sure where it goes though. My husband is primary custodian, with all legal rights, she only has visitation and no medical, educational or geographic rights, therefore no child support.
So I went off on my husband that she needs to contribute to something for this kid, we have paid for gymnastics, swimming, horsebacking riding and karate and never asked for a penny. But my husband recently lost his job and is still unemployed (with no income) and I lost my job in October and took a huge pay cut (over 15K) to get another job to stay at the company. We have cut all frills from our lives, but try and keep it normal for our kids. I told him that if she wants to participate she needs to pay, I am sick of being a bank.
Now I realize we place her in the activities so we should pay and BM has 2 other kids whose father is not around, so I know she is in a tough place, but I am so stressed about paying bills. Not sure if I was in the right or not.
He did email her and ask for her to pay, not sure what will happen, sometimes she is nice as pie, others she is a raging jerkface, just depends on the wind I guess.
I don't think you are a jerk
I don't think you are a jerk at all.
You are under a lot of stress and you vented to your hubby, that is perfectly normal!
I hope you've already done it but it might help your stress level to sit down and make a budget.
Include the kids and explain to them that the whole family has to sacrifice until Dad gets a new job.
I don't think you are doing your kids any favours by "keeping things normal" for them. IMHO, they know things are not the same and they can feel the tension in the house. By including them you are teaching them that life isn't always perfect but together you can work through it.
I feel for you on this. It
I feel for you on this. It would be great if BM could bring herself to contribute to the upbringing of her own child. If she has visitation, she should be paying child support. Are you sure you cannot legally get that from her?
BM in our case wanted SD to attend a private school. DH agreed, BM said she would only pay the annual enrollment fee and DH would be responsible for everything else. Stupidly, he agreed. She paid about two years for enrollment fee then decided she didn't want to anymore and DH was stuck with that as well.
It's OK to cut back on the kids' activities if it is needed for the family's financial stability. There was a time both DH and myself were out of work and BD12 was a baby, we really struggled because DH had dumbly agreed to cover SD's insurance premiums and we had to pay hundreds of dollars out of pocket to cover her while baby BD had NO insurance. I remember crying in the public health office when they tried to refuse to vaccinate her.
What I meant to say is that
What I meant to say is that if she's seeing the kids, she should want to help support them. I understand child support and visitation are two separate issues; been there, done that.
Public health wanted to refuse shots because we lived in the city but our address could be written as another city (suburb). So they tried to say no.
She wants to start attending
She wants to start attending the SD's gymnastics... she pays half. Pretty simple. In fact if your DH pays CS ... she should be paying for all of it. CS covers the NCPs share of extracurricular activities.
Her indiscriminate breeding habits resulting in two spawn with an absent father is not your problem nor should it be.
Neither parent can use the
Neither parent can use the other parent's refusal to pay for activities as an excuse to make they stay away. :?
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Why would you continue
Why would you continue spending money you do not have? Sit the kids down, tell them in age appropriate terms that money is tight and everyone will have to cut back. This is the sort of thing that actually builds character. Entitlements create the BMs we read about here.
If you don't have the money,
If you don't have the money, and BM doesn't have the money, then your DH needs to explain to the kids that things are going to have to be cut back for a while. It doesn't do kids any favors in learning about life to have them not be touched by things that touch the family. "Oh, daddy lost his job? Doesn't matter, we still get to do everything we want to, so working must not really be necessary".
If you pay for gymnastics on
If you pay for gymnastics on a pay as you go basis then bm can pay on her weekends. If she cant afford it too bad. No bm doesnt get to come on your weekend if she is in any way toxic or going to create an issue for you.
Thank you guys for all your
Thank you guys for all your comments, it helps to know I am not alone.
Couple of things, my husband is the custodial parent but does not get child support from BM, he was fine with it at the time but has been more difficult though lately. He is talking to his lawyer about this as we speak actually.
We have a budget and her gymnastics are in them, DH had asked in the past for her to pay for half of activities but she always just said that she was too busy to take SD7 to anything, this is the first time she expressed interest in attending. So I think that is why I feel like she needs to contribute to it, but
I do not have any issues paying for things for SD and I also have no issues cutting things out due to budgets constraints, I just flipped out since DH pays for everything for SD and has since she was born while BM pays for zero (even when she was getting 700 a month in child support from DH)
I appreciate all the comments and advice, I think the best thing is to try and stay out of it, DH knows our budget and knows what we can and can not afford, I try and not involve myself with the ex (still learning to do this, super hard some days)
Again thanks so much! I needed this website yesterday!