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A stepparent's reality..finally.. the truth!

sundowner's picture

Hi there..Ill try to make this short. My post will be blunt and will get to the point. I am a seasoned FORMER SM. I have followed this site for a few years. As I reflect upon my step experience, I finally narrowed it down to two questions I wished I would of asked myself before I got involved. just know that there is no judgment of character here. But first a quick( and very generalized) analogy:

Two people fall in love..and chemicals in the brain attract them to play house..make a nest. One person already has bio kids..maybe the other does or doesnt. With high hopes of having this family all connected they merge.

One day this new family goes on a boating trip.Not everyone wants to go but they are expected to get in the boat because..two people fell in love. there is already conflict and someone forgets the oars.The lovers think that all will be fine because love is enough. Well, what they dont know is that stormy weather will follow them everywhere..always.They all are in a crowded boat..even the EXes are hiding on board.... no personal space..and tempers rise. The boat is getting more and more rocky. The storm cant be ended on wishful thinking and loving thoughts. The blame game begins.."its your fault Im suffering because".."you NEED to do this to make me happy"...

The boat capsized. Everyone is in panic.The kids are drowning ! The lovers must make that critical choice of who to save first.(pause here and ponder your own feeling in this situation)

Fact: The bio parent will probably abandon their lover/spouse to save THEIR BIO KIDS.

Question: Will you resent your spouse/partner for making that choice?
Question: ARE YOU WILLING to NEVER really be FIRST..but always remain second or third or forth.?..on the loyalty line.

You will be treading water ( constant effort)..calm or rough...you might get help..or you are feeling alone abandoned..betrayed..( sound familiar).and you might get so tired you will slip underwater..without no one ever noticing.Or the mean EXes might push you under... Scream.. threaten and yell all you want..the kids will always be priority.

Acceptance of this reality has removed the imbalances in my in-love delusion and I was able to get out and move on. I did slip under the water unnoticed..but I swam like hell to another shore.

sundowner's picture

Hi..I think my biggest mistake was from not educating myself logically about step life. It was only when I was living the real life that I had issues and searched the web for help. I found this site. I have to say I also read most of the steplife books..yet NOT ONE resource gave me actual truth about the special dynamics of all family members involved. The book StepMonster validated my feelings, tho.
It all starts out with hope and ends up in sad disappointments..for me anyway.Today, we are all better acquaintances than forced legal strangers from the past.

sundowner's picture

tom..It appears you have little understanding of a generalization. I will not explain my posting because I am certain only the mature and wise will get it's meaning.

sundowner's picture

tom..It appears you have little understanding of a generalization. I will not explain my posting because I am certain only the mature and wise will get it's meaning.

Cocoa's picture

I would save my young bios even if I were with their bio dad and would expect any DH I was with to do the same. What about saving grown skids that were never taught to swim? Mine know how and I've made sure they're better at it than me! In my situation DH would still save his grown ass muscular bio.

SecondGeneration's picture

Its a good analogy but probably just a little extreme.

Fundamentally you are right, often people move too fast too soon in relationships. Be it first, second or third, people dont seem to always learn the lessons of slowing down, getting to know one another and any pre-existing children. I feel its hugely dependent on how the "working-relationship" is between the bio parents in regards to their children before a new partner comes into the mix, if theres still drama there without a new spouse, why would anyone think a new partner is going to make matters easier?
Also, how many children are in the mix.

And what Rags always says, whether children are the priority or whether the marriage is the priority.
The same as whether you prefer to wash up by hand or use the dishwasher, both ways work but if one partner wants to use one method and the other claims to agree but ultimately prefers the other method, there will be conflict.

Love is incredibly powerful, be it as a feeling, or a motivation to change/improve. But love is also about being able to see what is helping and what is hindering your own well-being and that of your spouse. To me, love is an action, not a word.

irishgirl0727's picture

DH and I are step hell survivors and the reason we are is because we maintained a united front. We were honest with each other, I pointed out the guilty dad syndrome and we discussed these situations, yes sometimes with hurt feeling and tears. I put my foot down regarding him allowing BM and SD to bring drama into our home. I about had a nervous break down at one point and sought medical help for the anxiety and anger it was causing. DH didn't abandon me he opened his eyes and listened. We ended up having to allow SD to "drown" do to her being so PASed that we could no longer allow her in our home.
We have been trained by our society to "put the kids first", but is it always a good idea if it destroys the marriage? Is it good for the kids to witness yet another broken marriage or one that shows a strong unity? Many times BM uses the children as a weapon for her own bitterness to try and destroy your happiness. In my opinion the best approach is to stand together and save who you can in the process. BM causes the weakness in the children and she is on the boat as well, should you really try and save the kids while she tries to drown the Stepmom and her ex? Thus no one survives.

hereiam's picture

That was your experience and I'm sorry that it went down for you like that.

Not all men with kids put their current wives second, third, or fourth.

And love is never enough. It takes a hell of a lot more than love to make these situations work and sometimes, one has to walk away from someone that they think they love.

sundowner's picture

Life is perception and interpretation. This is another generalization. Yet, Ill include a more specific example of my typical steplife circumstances.

The LIFEboat scenario continues.As the newly married couple, I view the boat itself is our marriage...sort of the entity that keeps all of us together. It must be maintained and strong enough to carry all of us. The storm has calmed a little but everyone aboard remains in conflict within themselves or each other.A 14yr old Skid resents the couple for making them be apart of the new group.They want their daddy to themselves and dislike the SM just because she is automatically included in their original family.The teens world is upset and they perceive their dad as "taking sides" in favor of his new wife.I can understand that.

The teen cant process the angst and starts digging at the wood flooring of the boat.It goes undetected at first.Since I have my marriage as priority, I become aware and alarmed to discover this issue. I respectfully tell the teen to stop and explain why.Its to no avail bc I have the responsibility of maintaining the boat WITHOUT the authority to do it. The teen continues and I inform my DH.I dont inform him that his child is a bad kid..I tell him that the behavior is damaging and the boats integrity could become compromised. I do not overreact out of my own insecurities.

The hole at the bottom of the boat becomes the focus." This "bad" child must stop this behavior. Its affecting all of us. I cant stand this kid...etc" DH cant bring himself to confront his kid because he doesnt want to loose their relationship.His idea is to patch it or cover it up with something and forget about it.

You might think of disrupting behaviors that poke holes in your boat.( kids leaving messes over and over again, adult skids rudeness, DH..Ex etc) You may believe you have the skills and strength to keep patching the boat. You might end up resenting people because they are sabotaging your happiness..making your life miserable. You are battling issues without much authority to win.

I try to avoid giving advice for a reason. Steplife can not be found in a How-To book or spoon-fed. And it may breakdown even the "strongest" people. Yet, its not so much how strong you perceive yourself to be. Strength is determined of what its integrity and how its used lovingly and effectively.

Steplife is not for me. And Im fine with that.

sundowner's picture

There is a phrase: What is the worst thing that can happen?.

My LIFEboat scenario stages such an extreme situation for the purpose of finding my truth. From the moment I met DH and got into his boat, I evolved from a simple caring person to someone who was burdened by bitterness toward DH and SK, and chronically frustrated, exhausted SM/wife. When I pondered MY thoughts and feelings about it, I was enlightened. It came clear to me, my role and place in my steplife.I began to understand the conflicts and angst I felt. In order to get to the dep underlying truth, I had to remove the veil of blame..from everyone involved..This revelation helped me understand the unique dynamics of steplife. And finding that middle ground of logic and emotion, the resentments faded into empathy and compassion.

I could easily say that my steplife was so much hell that I bailed. Or I can say that I was pushed out.

BTW I have bio kids, and taught them to swim..yet I would save them first. That is a statement that doesnt need explaining or defending..its just fact.

From the very beginning of petty arguments where DH was "taking sides" with his kids, and the Skids not following the rules,(you know..all that stuff, right).left me with unprocessed resentments...It just my nature to encourage potential..I was willing to teach them to swim, but they didnt want me to teach them..( now I understand)...I was constantly faced with sabotage and interfering EX..this left me feeling hopeless most of the time.

Fast forward..that steplife was NOT for me...and I was not a good fit for them either. Thats not a bad thing that needs defending from a character flaw. It is was it is.

I have learned from hidsight.Suppose I followed your valuable advice and took my time to evaluate the boat I was considering. Unfortunately I never mastered that swim lesson..it could of saved my life. The Lovey-Dovy hormones rendered my brain dysfunctional. I told myself enough times to believe that my kids would be fine and everyone else would eventually adjust.

Epic Fail!! I dove straight into the twilight zone of steplife. Skids/DH/Ex created a Bermuda Triangle. I went missing.

still learning's picture

I'd save my kids first over anyone else, especially if I was still married to exDH...lawd, he bettah get ta swimmin. When the sh*t hits the fan the adults need to be adults. That being said, both of my skids are adults and both have looked to parents for "rescuing." ss26 lives with his wife's parents and ss30 lives with BM. Both are pretty crippled adults from all the excessive coddling.

I don't expect DH to save me, I'll put on my life jacket and ride into the sunset on a dolphin. Just like on the airplanes they tell you to put on your oxygen mask first before helping anyone else. If DH wants to he can float off in the dingy with ss's and BM...buh bye. His choice, but I'm pretty sure at this point in his life he'll choose his sexy wife and the dolphins.

Save yourself ladies! Don't even get on the boat with all the entitled whiners.

iluvcheese's picture

Same here. I thought I was the only one so paranoid I have extra jackets, just in case:).

lintini's picture

...SS just keeps on drinking the salt water, goes crazy in a dehydrated rage, and that's the end of him. DH told him over and over again to not drink the salt water.

Dirol

iluvcheese's picture

I'm the only one that can swim and I don't need a man to save me. I'd hope I would've remembered an emergency raft, I'm a planner, but I know we'd have life jackets. If I forgot the raft, I'd still ensure everyone had their jacket, because the more people bobbing in the open water the less likely I am to be picked out by a shark. If we had a raft, we'd all be welcome in. It'd be my raft, because I'm the only one smart enough to bring the thing. If anyone broke the rules, they could bob next to the raft swimming with the sharks for a while until a lesson was learned.

In all reality, it is about assessing who needs help, as the other person posted. I truly believe in a life and death situation that we'd all work to save each other, between my DH, SD, & I.

Salems Lot's picture

My kids are all grown, can swim and have boats of their own. I have a funny feeling as an SM, I would be sacrificed. I'd be grabbed, pulled and have by head shoved under just so everyone else can keep their heads above the water. Sad

Maxwell09's picture

Ryan Reynolds made a comment about this the other day (kind of). He said that he used to tell his wife, Blake Lively, he would take a bullet for her or die for her if it meant saving her life. Then he said something along the lines of: "Then my daughter came and when I looked into her eyes I knew right then I would absolutely use my wife as a human shield to protect her"

I can't say I would be mad if my husband chose to rescue his son before me; I, without hesitation, would also rescue both my bio and SS4 before him.

sundowner's picture

Funny replies! Whats even funnier is that in reality I never liked boating. It usually made me dizzy and sick. I regretted the boating trip every time.Sounded familiar.

Today, I prefer hiking or strolling along ... with my fur-baby. We go on adventures together and live in the moment of my blissful freedom. I earned this Perpetual Vacation....Ahhhh..peace and quiet.

SweetMom's picture

It's simple. You let the kids on the boat with dh but you simply remove BM life vest and replace it with your life vest. Haha

Last In Line's picture

My true story:

I am a HARD sleeper some nights. One night, after everyone was in bed and asleep, our fire alarm went off. DH was gone out the door with both skids (SS12, SD10) before I was awake enough to even know what was going on. It was a false alarm, thank God, but it let me know exactly where I fall in the grand scheme of things. I mentioned it to him the next evening, and he said the alarm had stopped going off before he had a chance to try to wake me up...I was in bed WITH him, he managed to get him and both kids outside, but he couldn't be bothered to try to wake me up? (He knows that even in my sleepy stupor I can get up and move, he didn't even try)

Cocoa's picture

This post has stuck with me a couple days. I'm thinking that until you can honestly say that you would save your SPOUSE, the person you will be promising to put above all others, that you prob shouldn't get married. I took my vows seriously. I had the freedom to do so. My teenage kids were heading down good paths and were self sufficient for the most part. My ex was a non issue and we had great boundaries. I didn't have needy/enmeshed parents. I was ready. My FI however had NONE of this going on, yet he made the same vows I did. Major mistake that I actually believed him. I (stupidly) believed his love for me would automatically put me at the top of the food chain. I didn't have any concerns of HOW he would make it happen. Well it DIDN'T happen. IF I ever contemplate marriage again it will not happen until I ask the new FI who he'd save. And I would believe him if the answer isn't me.

I would also like to point out that all the ladies that are saying they would save their adult kids...how do you feel about Last in Line's post. I realize a lot of these comments were made jokingly but this post I think gets straight to the point the OP was making. And it exemplifies living with a spouse who DAILY chooses his kids over his wife in less emergent situations. But to have that actually happen to you, a potential life and death occurrence and he couldn't even elbow her in the ribs? She was the LAST person he thought of.

peacemaker's picture

Interesting analogy...I am always asking my children "Who is in your boat", meaning Who are you allowing to speak into your life these days. We call it a "boat check". It's amazing how many things creep into out boat and we don't even realize it is there. The step adults have been so damaging to me personally and my family, unfortunately, they are not allowed in my boat. I love them, but I do not trust them anymore. It was too much chronic stress for me to try and have that close of a relationship with them. They carried too much hatred and bitterness from their bm into the relationship. I tried for 25 years, and was rejected, like many of you were, and are being.

No one gets in my boat now unless I invite them. No castaways, loiters, un-invited guests. Maybe that is the problem with a lot of step families...there are just too many people in your boat.-peace

Disillusioned's picture

I would not be resentful if my DH saved his children first, I would expect that and I think that's the way it should be....who would let their child drown?

I also wouldn't view that as being second....I think of that as every parent's responsibility. In fact, I think step-parents also have a responsibility to put their skids needs above their own

Step-parents (and skids for sure) struggle with who comes first and I think often it is confused with who is LOVED more...I know my OSD confused this very much

She felt as DH's daughter she should come first, and DH (and me) made her and her sister's needs our #1 responsibility. However that did not necessarily mean that DH loved them more than he loved me. DH even admitted to me at one point that I was 'front and centre' in his mind and that he thought he loved me even more than his kids

At the time I remember saying to him "oh don't ever say that" but really, as DH once said to me "you love who you love" it's not like he deliberately set out to love his girlfriend (now wife) more, and just because he came to the realization that maybe he loved me more did not mean that he loved his children any less than he always had, that he was any less proud of them, or that they were in any way not the first responsibility in his life any longer

I think OSD always worried that DH loved me more, and she felt extremely bitter and jealous over it. But, if I were not only her father's wife but also her mother - well then, I think she would have been perfectly okay with the fact that her Dad loved her Mom more than anyone including her. She might even think that was cute and sweet

If it were not only your DH's bio-children he saved first, but if they were also YOUR bio children, would you still be resentful? Or would you still expect that he save you over your own kids?

Is it just that you were angry he was saving the children which is every parent's responsibility, or that you interpret that as he loved them more than you?

And even if he does love his children more than you, well, as my DH says You love who you love...doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love his wife as much as he always has, or is any less as proud of her, etc...

I've always wanted to say to my OSD, so what if your worst fear is true and yes your Dad does love me more? Then what? He is only allowed to love YOU, or has to love you the most? Even though nothing in your relationship with him has changed...other than he loves someone else as well, yes and even possibly more than you, is that really something to going ballistic over?

YSD is the one I always felt OSD should be jealous of. YSD is the golden girl, favorite child, DH dotes on her and she can do no wrong. At times it has made me feel uncomfortable when it's just been the three of us, and I've felt DH has been a bit insensitive to my feelings, but in the end, my moto has always been to stop comparing my relationship with DH to DH's relationship with others.

I think if step-parents, and step-children (especially adult ones) could learn to simply just focus on their own relationship with their parents, and even with us, and stop insisting they are the single most loved and adored individual in our DH's lives, everyone would be so much happier!

Stepped in what momma's picture

"In fact, I think step-parents also have a responsibility to put their skids needs above their own."

Can you explain more of your thought process on this? Not sure I will understand since I knocked out my two front teeth on my desk when I read this but maybe I will be put back together by the time you respond.

notasm3's picture

I would rescue my 10 year old dog over SS30. I'd rescue a stray dog or cat that I'd never met over SS30.

Animals are helpless. SS30 is a worthless POS.

OSS (who would now be 40) is now deceased - no loss to the world at all. He was even worse than SS30 - a horribly violent gang member involved in murder.

sundowner's picture

Hi All...This smorgasbord of contributions is appealing. Take what you like and dismiss the rest..yet its all good stuff, right? My original post is like the meat- and- potatoes of a truth I discovered for myself.However, I know that I dont want to live in a extreme world of black and white.I understand there are many shades in between. In other words, there can be circumstances that merit a one-off action. Its not the end of the world. Also, my outlook on love is that there is always enough to go around..plan and simple.Never had to fight over who loves who most. Really. What upsets me most is disloyalty. Im not some insecure person who is boo-hooing over the occasional lack of "marriage is priority". Its the ongoing and non-resolved betrayals of "taking side" or allowing skids to talk rude and DH not having my back!!You know, those pesty little things that really are big things overtime.For example:

Continuing the boatlife, there needs to be someone in charge and a plan to get to the destination(s). The captain has first command and he has a responsible back up, the chief mate for emergency leadership.The two work together for the common good of all on board. General example of household couple with kids/skids.Sounds ideal.

One day SD asks to steer the boat.DH agrees but doesnt tell me. oops! One mishap..no big deal.Happens again. OOPS! ..then AGAIN! DH cant say no to Skid and Im getting uneasy. Ends up that Skids are steering the boat everyday..DH avoids confrontation..and Im on the other end of the boat trying to figure out what the hell is happening.! DH and I talk and Im reassured he will use his authority to take back command. He is successful for a day, then the status quo continues.

I was living a nightmare. I had no place..no role ..no authority..no voice. A cycle of things getting a little better then, the worst got worse. My personality changed into a bitter, depressed, isolated, and bewildered SM. My title was "dads new wife"..yet I was really never in that position either.So, eventually my behavior was typical of the Wicked SM. No one had to say a word..I could FEEL resentment from the skids/DH and myself.

Fast forward and looking at the big picture. The major issue was spouse and I. I see now that the skids were just insecure and just as lost. The truth was DH wasnt the leader or the one in charge.He wasnt bothered by someone else calling the shots. It is useless for me to try and assert MY position. DH should of said to them something generally speaking...."Ive remarried and __will be living here with us. It will be awkward and probably years of adjustment. Wife and I are a team.Blah Blah..Blah...You may not like new wife but that doesnt give you an excuse to continually disrespect her"..Blah..

Perhaps members on here will find bits and pieces of experiences you can relate to, from my LIFEBOAT story. I do have some fond memories of my steplife, it wasnt all bad. I hope that stepfamily will remember me how I was in the very beginning..and not how I ended up being...an unwelcome outsider.

Disillusioned's picture

I do understand what you're saying, especially about your DH always taking the skid's side, or allowing them to call the shots...yup, that drives me nuts too!

That part of step-life really sucks, when your skids are abusive demons to you, and your DH defends them. Or jumps to their command. Sad that there are so many disney dads that just can't man up and be a parent, yes it means risking their adult children walking out of their lives, but at least our DH's would be doing the right thing where their children not to mention wives are concerned

I know it's difficult, boy have I struggled too, but I guess over the years I have learned there are many issues just not worth fighting when it comes to this situation, but I've also stopped being a doormat for anyone

AVR1962's picture

Wonderful analogy! You described my 27 years with husband very well. Sure enough those exes were on-board that boat too and it was not a pretty sight, unfortunately. I had tried to be on friendly terms with my husband's ex and we started off fine but she wanted me to be the informant about husband's drinking, he has had issues. Once I saw this I kind of cut her off, not rude, no words just was not willing to give her info any more. She would call the house when the boys were with us and have them talk to her daughters (their half sisters) so I did the same when the boys went to visit her. She told me that the boys didn't want to talk, she told me that they hated me and the boys and not to call her house again.

Fortunately with my ex, his new wife and I got along. When my girls would come to me complaining about her I would help them understand her and never said a word against her. I told the girls they had 2 moms and 2 dads, I allowed my daughter to love their step mom. My husband and his second wife ended up divorced but my daughters still have a relationship with her and my grand kids consider her their Gma. It makes a huge difference. The boys never felt that they could love me as that would betray their mother and their mother made it known to them and to us that I was not the mom, even though the boys lived with us all but weeks out of a year.

The other problem we had was me as the main parent of all the children had the responsibility that any mom would have and I had to make alot of decisions without the bio parents' input as they were not there as much as I was. The choices I made were not always supported by my husband and certainly not by bio mom if she was told. When husband and I would try to work issues thru together he might do as agreed or he might not and many times I was thrown under the bus to save his own face. Basically what this amounted to is that the boys knew they could disrespect me, they knew that they could get what they wanted from their parents so they became big cry babies and bullies. Lies were not beneath them. I was to treat the boys "like my own" but as soon as I did I was wronged. Oh, so what you mean by treating them like one of your own is that you really want me to treat them like"prices that can do no wrong," now I get it!!!!!!!

Eventually there was issues among the kids that divided the family and the girls and I were shunned form husband's family. When the younger boy got married he had not told us, we had not been invited. Husband found out and asked why and his son told him his mother would not have allowed us in her house. So the boys as adults still felt compelled to please mommy and with the divide among the children and me being the evil step mom that didn't love them as they were told by their bio mom, I slowly and surely was losing it. I found all this emotionally very hard to handle and I was not getting the support I needed from my husband. Then the older boy gets married and makes a point to tell his dad that he does not want me there. Husband's family support the now 34 year old and says he is entitled to invite who he wants and they are right. I had no intentions of attending this wedding but it didn't need to be shoved in my face. Husband did not attend and there was hateful words exchanged pertaining to stepson's ugly feelings towards me.Then husband's father passes away and the whole mess of feelings came back to the surface.....oldest boy not speaking to his dad or any of us. I was not planning to attend the funeral due to all the hard feelings for years with this family But here are my daughters trying to make amends and trying to help reunite everyone,wanting us all together along as family again and daughter asks me to please come. Stepson did not think it was a good idea which I found out thru husband and finally I realized this was never going to get any better. I had dealt with this hurt and hardship for for half of my life. My husband and I have not been close in many years and I finally told him I want a divorce. It was all too much for me.

Disillusioned's picture

Quite simple Stepped In...if you brought a person into this world (your child) they become your responsibility. I think your most important responsibility in life

I also think if you marry someone with children, especially when they are young, you are also responsible for putting their needs above your own - or at least supporting your spouse in his responsibility to look after his children

When I see their needs above your own, I mean if it came down to you eating or the child - well who would not put the child first? I would feed my cat and I would starve if it came down to that haha

It doesn't mean the marriage is not priority, but I'm sorry, what adult would put their own needs above a child's? Any child. That is not right in my book

Now, if they grow up to be rotten adult skids like my OSD, well that changes everything LOL

I would most definitely put my needs, even my cat's needs, above hers at this point!