OT - Does it bother you when DH looks at other women online?
Sorry, I know this is off-topic but it's been bugging me for a while and I'd like to get other opinions. A few months ago I happened to walk into the room and observed dh staring at a set of (barely clothed) boobs on his computer screen. When I asked him wtf he was doing he gave me some lame excuse about an article he clicked on and that image "just came up". *eyeroll* There are some other shifty behaviors that took place before we got married (that I didn't know about until after we were married) that have made me wary, like making overtures to answer Craigslist ads when we were fighting. His two brothers are sex addicts (one in recovery, one not) and his father - deceased, never met him, have only heard stories - seems to have had lots of challenges in that area as well. I tell you all this to explain why I've felt the need to keep my guard up.
Since then I have seen lots of searches in the browser on his computer that I'm not a fan of. Random celebrities in bikinis or less. YOUNG girls (I'm 45 he's 56)and just stuff I think is gross, alhtough not what you'd technically think of as porn. When I talk to him about it it's always that he came across some article and clicked on it and it's no big deal, blah blah blah. Basically that I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
I think it's disrespectful, plain and simple. I feel like we agreed to keep our sexual natures sacred to one another when we got married and staring at other women's scantily clad bodies on a regular basis violates that trust. I have zero desire - nor would I if I did - to stare at other men so I just. don't. get. it. I'm so tired of having this argument with him but I also don't know how to make myself stop caring that he does it. It also seems like a slippery slope to other behaviors that would truly qualify as infidelity. Lastly - before we go there - I'm not an insecure, clingy type. I took care of myself and my two kiddos without a man for several years and have no problem doing it again. I just can't decide if I'm too in my head about this thing. Thoughts?
Porn, no, I'd be a hypocrite.
Porn, no, I'd be a hypocrite. Responding to personal ads on Craigslist, yes that'd bug me. Interpersonal relationships online that are questionable, yes. Decorative behavior about any of it, yes I'd be irritated.
I think lying about the "pop
I think lying about the "pop ups" is worse than looking at the images. Really lame.
To me, the looking would bother me only if it became obsessive or turned into a secret life of porn and emotional attachment. Certainly responding to a craigslist ad would cross the line for me.
Sounds like you need to have a conversation with DH to get your questions answered and set some boundaries of what is and is not acceptable within your marriage.
I completely understand where
I completely understand where you are coming from and I agree with you. I absolutely hate that behavior! I had an incident occur with my son's father in the past that devastated and scarred me deeply in regards to "looking" at another woman and ever since I have been very vocal about my feelings in regards to men doing that...to me, it is hurtful and disrespectful. I know for me I feel like it is an insult, like I am not good enough and they want that person instead of or more than me.
My DH knew my feelings from the jump on this topic and for the most part he is pretty good about it but as I said I "wear my heart on my sleeve" so if something I see upsets me etc I rarely hold it in. Bottom line, in my opinion, if you love someone you show them respect and courtesy ESP if you KNOW that behavior hurts them, but I believe that men should have this respect and courtesty period.
In your post you said that
In your post you said that you feel like you agreed to keep your sexual natures sacred to one another. Did he explicitly say that.
This may be a personal question, and I am not asking you to answer this publicly.
Do you fulfill his every sexual need? I am guessing not, because women are not robots and we require some emotional connection. I don't care to be at my hubs every sexual beck and call. But I also do not control him and his sexual needs. If he wants to look at porn, then he does. He is a grown man. I do expect him to be faithful, and that means NOT soliciting other woman. (I.e. Craiglist, talking, chatting, etc)
I really can't imagine that a 56 year old man is going to change.
Porn - I have no problem with
Porn - I have no problem with & will send it to SO on a semi-regular basis.
Looking to find women on craigslist, dating sites, social media - um hell no. Absolutely not okay.
If my DH looks at porn, I'm
If my DH looks at porn, I'm unaware of it--wouldn't have a problem with it, especially if we did it together...unfortunately he is way low libido compared to me. We have discussed people we found attractive/not attractive, usually of the celebrity variety.
Online ads/hook-up sites/etc are off-limits IMO, unless you have agreed to an open relationship. A person in a closed, commited relationship shouldn't be fishing.
exH had a low libido too, or
exH had a low libido too, or so I thought. He never wanted to be intimate, was always too tired and could never get an erection. We had sex maybe once or twice a month. Later I found out that he couldn't be intimate with me because he'd already pleasured himself to porn. His porn addiction really affected our relationship, we went to marriage counseling and he went alone for his issue but he didn't change.
In my current marriage I view porn as a non issue unless it becomes an issue. So far we are just fine.