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Biomomof2's picture

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Biomomof2's picture

And then the real post didn't work so here it is....

So DH has gaurdenship of SGD11. He just had her move back in with her mom about a month ago. She was on a course to destroy our marriage and he honestly has no control over her.
My daughters pictures come up, well it is the beginning of the school year. They all just got new clothes. Not going to go get anymore. SGD school pictures come up, DH tells me he is going to get her a new outfit. I asked why? We just got them all new clothes. His answer....because he wants to do something nice for her. This has been hard for him. Can't he just do something nice for her? I said. Ok and let it drop. It bugged me but not a hill to die on.
DD11 has an IEP for learning disabilities. She is busting her butt. Her progress report came in the mail. 3.25 GPA. 4 A's, 2 B's and 1 D. The D is in English. Her reading level is a grade below. I have never let them modify her work. I always said she will get there, give her time. But this report card is AMAZING for her!!! Talked with DH told him I wanted to get her a new outfit and a pedicure (after I asked you all for advice). He asked me why are you getting her a new outfit?? I wanted to punch him. SGD half asses life and because he wants to do something nice he goes and spends $140 at Target (way more then one outfit, I'm not stupid) but I have to explain rewarding DD??!?!?!!!?!?
I haven't said a word about it to him. I explained it and he was fine with it all. It is just the very fact and that I have lived this for 3 yrs. my DS9 is a grade ahead, DD is doing her absolute best... But we should reward SGD for breathing today.
It really gets to me. Always has. Probably always will. I have to learn to let this go. I have stepped up and go and reward my kids no matter what. I have closed my mouth about SGD. She is gone, and life is 98% better.
He will continue to reward her being alive and I have decided it is not worth my marriage. And I will continue to reward my kids for real achievements.
BS was rewarded with an air-soft gun (magazine stays in our room) and lunch out for his Learning period. He is at a charter that is home schooling with classes at the center. Just had a learning period end with a meeting with his main teacher. 1st 6 week period and he is already be told to slow down or he is going to run out of work.
I just really really really really hate that DH rewards SGD just for being. Really really HATE it!!!!!!!!!!

Stepcreaturesonly's picture

As someone with a masters and doctorate and years of experience in special ed, I have to say you are making a mistake not to allow modifications. There is an enormous literature showing clearly and unambiguously that kids learn best when work is targeted to a bit above their current level. Too easy? Won't learn. Too hard? Too much time struggling and won't learn became a)de motivating, b)hits self esteem, and c) too much brain power on unnecessary things, eg trying to decode words instead of reading for meaning. Targeting work and texts to the reader and increasing the level as they improve will get them to the best they can be way faster than letting them just continue to struggle till they get there. Not saying you aren't a great mum. You seem to be. But you aren't doing the best for your kid in insisting she read age appropriate texts if she isn't able to.

Hanny's picture

I think this is what we all go through, even as the kids all get older. My SO's daughter got a DUI, double felony in fact, and what does BM do...yes buy her a brand new car! Not that all the legal expenses weren't enough, they each, SO and BM paid out of pocket around $30,000 each to get her through the whole DUI thing. Then she gets rewarded with a new car, all insurance paid. What does my daughter get from me while she is scrimping and working full time, mainly supporting herself, she gets my used car (10 years old) when I buy a new one. She is elated...happy as a clam. It is so hard to watch the discrepancies between his enabled kids and my kid. But I know in my heart that my daughter will be a better person and she is appreciative of what she gets, hand me down clothes, cars, furniture, whatever! His kids on the other hand, have been getting jewelry from Tiffany's since they were 10! And this is why we aren't married! I think it would be harder to watch if we were married.

Biomomof2's picture

I used to wait until all bills were paid, groceries bought like a responsible adult to provide the rewards or allowance (my kids have chores and SGD didn't when she lived with us. Like I said half ass through life) but by that point we would be close to broke and DH already got SGD some bullshit here is a reward for doing your big school assignment and turning it in a week later because I'm sooo proud of you BULLSHIT. Now, I get their rewards on payday. It helps me not fill so resent full.
On a side note. SGD would literally go through a roll or 1 1/2 rolls of TP a day (not sure doing what her underware said not wiping, which is why I stopped doing her laundry at 9) DH would make any excuse he could. I would point out DD and DS who share a bathroom go through half that. Since she has been gone, DH and I have gone though...... 4 rolls in 4 weeks. She shared out bathroom (NOT in our room) because she couldn't stay the hell out of my kids stuff and I'll be damn if she messes up their stuff. DH has gotten really quite on the SGD front as she can see clearly there was no excuse for the TP issue