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Stepdaughter bedroom

Briannaw2016's picture

I have been married to my husband for two years but have been in his children's lives for 5. They are now 9&11. We have had rough patches but for the most part when they visit every other weekend we all really enjoy each other. Their visitation schedule has changed a lot since I've been in the picture due to several reasons that has to do with my husband and his ex. Currently I selfishly enjoy my time with my husband even though I know he wishes he could see the kids more but it's on the kids mom why. She says they need routine which I stay out of all that. I get along well with her and it took a long time so I stay away from conflict. Anyway I just turned 31 and my husband and i really want a baby. We thought by now we would be able to get a bigger home but someone I met with wants us to work on our credit and we are looking at another few years. We have a smaller two bedroom home now and the girls share the second bedroom. I know i may come off selfish but our plan was to getA bigger house to make room for a third but it fell through at the moment. I keep thinking how they sleep over 4 days a month and beg to sleep on the couch anyway. They never even go into their room. I guess what I'm asking or getting to is that if we get pregnant which we probably will soon, would we be such bad people to make it a baby room? They have a huge closet and we would keep their stuff just get rid of their beds which are junk anyway. I really want to start a family and we are financially at a point where we can but idk why this bedroom thing makes me feel so guilty! I don't want them to think I'm shoving them out for another kid but they sleep there 4 nights a month ya know? In time I know we will get a bigger house and they can have a room again. Am I overthinking this?

Briannaw2016's picture

There's no way his ex would ever ever agree to any sort of custody or split custody anyway but I see what your saying.

Briannaw2016's picture

Honestly he or I are not trying to get custody or increase it. I was simply stating that arrangements have changed alot since I've been around the last 5 years. Their lives are stable they are happy healthy and do great in school. Even if we wanted to change it completely without moms consent it wouldn't happen. I'm more concentrated on our future as a couple, and maybe I sound selfish but I've waited and so has he and we can't get a house now due to credit having to be better.

GoingWicked's picture

I think you might have time between now and then to get things together if you want, there's preconception, 9mos, my babies always slept in our room for the first year, then moved out, some people co-sleep and make it longer.

But me, I wouldn't center my house buying choices on skids that are barely there, anyway... most especially since I imagine your DH is dishing out a ton of his paycheck in CS to BM to do that for them.

Put all the kids in one room, give the skids a bunk/ bed with trundle, baby has a crib/toddler bed. You don't need a nursery packed with all the fancy furniture and toys babies r us sells.

I don't think anyone is going to fault you all for bunking siblings together in the same room, especially when it's just for a weekend.

Disneyfan's picture

But kicking the older two out of the room to make space for the new kid, may make the father feel like shit. As a parent, there's no way in hell I would have more kids unless I was able to provide the basics for all of them. In my opinion, having a bedroom (I'm all for kids sharing a room) and beds for all of my kids is a basic need. I don't care how many days they are there. I they share my DNA, they will have a bed and a bedroom(sharing is fine) in my home.

Briannaw2016's picture

No I have never brought this up with my husband. I lock him in the basement and let him out when I want things done then he has to go back to his dungeon. He has no say in our marriage and is my prisoner.

Briannaw2016's picture

Idk how your marriage works, but anything and everything that worries me, scares, motivates, inspires or gives me any feelings at all is always discussed with my soulmate first. Not an online forum. I just know there's step families on here that could possibly relate unlike any family I know. Of course he knows, his opinion?
He said we can figure it out when it gets closer and he does want a baby in the next year as I do. He doesn't worry like I do. Things usually always end up working out and as much as I wish I could take his relaxed no worries anwser, I decided to come on here instead to stir all you ladies up about a bedroom. Lol. Come on seriously just wanted some feedback if worse came to worse and we had to figure something out.
P.s. kids seriously beg to sleep on couch or basement every time they are over. Their mom says they rarely sleep in their beds at home too so if yall think I'm just evil it's honestly just a thought!

Disneyfan's picture

"P.s. kids seriously beg to sleep on couch or basement every time they are over. Their mom says they rarely sleep in their beds at home too so if yall think I'm just evil it's honestly just a thought!"

Sleeping on the couch or floor, because you want to, isn't the same as doing it because you have to.

robin333's picture

Why not keep the baby in your room those 4 nights a month? Get the girls bunk beds and put a crib on the other side. You use the crib in the second bedroom when the SD'S are not there but they still have their room when they do visit.

The first year, many babies are in the parent's room in a crib/bassinet for convenience (worry, multiple nighttime feedings) anyway.

Disneyfan's picture

That idea is better than being kicked out of the room completely. If dad can't afford a larger house at this time, and waiting to have a baby isn't an option, then the kids have to share the room.

memyselfandi's picture

My feeling is to discuss it with the girls. Before you conceive, take time for you and your hubby to ask the girls if they'd like to have a new baby in the family and that you'd like to involve them in the decision from the very beginning. Ask them if they'd mind sharing a room with the new baby the few weekends a month that they're with you and your hubby.

It may turn out that the girls might be thrilled with the idea. And it doesn't necessarily mean that the room they stay in a few weekends a month has to be decorated as a nursery. Maybe the girls would love to help decorate it and might be thrilled to have a new step brother or sister. Most girls that age LOVE babies!!

Granted, maybe the new baby might share yours and your hubbies bedroom for a bit, but there might be times where the girls would absolutely welcome having the new baby sleep in their bedroom; helping take care of him/her, etc. The more you involve them in the decision, the closer you all will be as a family.

The entire time you're expecting, you could involve both girls in the shopping for baby process, include them in showers you receive, etc. To be honest, the two girls might find it a lot of fun helping to prepare for a new brother or sister, and thus, this too will bring the three of you closer. They may even want to come visit more often; especially since there is so much planning to do, choosing a crib, bedding, and even going with you when you and helping register for things you'd like to receive for your shower.

Sometimes it's not all about space, but how you handle that space.

My 14 year old stepdaughter went through a period about a year ago where there was nothing more that she wanted was for us to have a baby. Being we're a little older..it's not something that we're really looking at doing anymore; so she suggested we adopt (LOL!!). She wanted a little brother or sister in the worst way and told us that she'd even take care of it and we could even put the crib in her room. How sweet!!

It all depends on the girls and their feelings. Again, if you involve them in the decision from the beginning; you'll know whether it's the right time or not. Just please don't just drop the bomb on them and tell them that you and Dad are expecting as they'll feel completely out of the loop at first..and THAT'S when you may run into issues.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Here is an example of someone wanting to allow a child to be involved in an adult decision.

DO NOT ask the children for permission to have a child. WTH kind of thinking is that?? What'cha going to do when they say no they don't want you to have one, are you going to have one anyway?? Don't ask questions you might not like the answer to.

You need a bigger home OR you small child needs to stay in your room until you can buy a bigger home.

Stepped in what momma's picture

If you do have the kid sounds like most of your "extra" funds will go to the baby and you will never save up to get a bigger house.

I would think taking the girls room away from them to give to your "new" kid would give them a perfect reason to hate you, I think I would hate you too. There are some lines you just do not cross.

Briannaw2016's picture

Perfect love this idea. And no I'm not the future evil mom kicking out the old kids for my own. If I already decided on doing that I wouldn't make a post questioning what to do... Our house plan fell through but we were told within two years we would get approved.

memyselfandi's picture

The thing with credit sometimes is that it may not even be you or your hubby that are creating bad credit in your lives together, but rather credit from a previous divorce followed one or both of you. I was there as my ex husband ran up bills like you wouldn't believe while I paid all mine, including our home bills. Being very close to paying off our mortgage, my ex came to me one day, crying me a river that he was going to lose his family painting business if he didn't pay his back taxes. Stupid me took out a second 30 year mortgage (we had a 15), and tried as hard as I could to keep up with the payments (which had more than doubled).

His promises to pay the mortgage payments fell completely flat and although working, found myself completely upside down in our home payments. I was stupid enough to borrow from my 401k (which I'd been putting money into for many years..), again, trying to keep the house. Eventually I realized that I was never going to be able to keep up with paying my bills, the home bills, the mortgage, in addition to his bills as we lived in a Marital Property State. He was making very bad choices regarding his lifestyle to the point that I not only ended up filing for divorce; but also filing for bankruptcy on the bills he refused to pay.

It happens. My hubby went thought something very similar with his ex and ended up declaring bankruptcy also.

We are in the process of fixing our credit and I am finally at a point five years later where my credit is very good. A good thing to keep in mind though, if you have credit cards is to not use them unless you absolutely HAVE to, as credit scores depend a lot on the amount of credit you're given vs the amount of that credit that you're using.

My point is that if you stay in the home that you have now and pay off the bills you have so that you are pretty much debt free, you may get approved for a new home loan soon. If this is in the near future, maybe put off having a child until you're pretty much debt free.

However, living in a smaller home and having a child while still staying in your debt ratio might be okay also. That's a decision you and your hubby need to make after sitting down and looking at your finances. I think you said that your hubby isn't working at the time. Is he on any sort of disability for some income coming in on his part? I'm sorry but I didn't notice if you are working or not and if you are..that's also a start.

Hang in there sweetie and ignore the rude comments. Some people have never been there..and then some have. It's what YOU and your family decide to do that's most important and I wish you all the best of luck in this. Things will all work out..

I might add one thing. Check on your credit and do it often. A very good free site is CreditKarma.com. It shows you your credit score at the moment, tells you any hard or soft checks on your credit; and tells you what you need to work on. Great site!!

Again, best wishes to you and I hope everything works out for the best!! Smile

Briannaw2016's picture

Thank you. Wasnt going to explain but my husband had 3 surgeries and was hit by a truck before we got married. It's been rough bouncing back from that but he's better and works a ton.

memyselfandi's picture

Bashing someone never fixes the poster's issue. They come here for help and good advice from the community. The last thing the poster needs is for someone to jump all over her, assuming things. Nothing irks me worse!!

Disregard those posts and concentrate on the positive ones!! Most of us are here to help as many of us have been there.

Keep your chin up girl..!!

Briannaw2016's picture

Your right I'll stop collecting welfare and robbing banks and maybe let my 5th kid sleep in our walk in closet and just put the 4 in one room and new baby in our room. Sounds good. Hopefully they will up my food stamp amount.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Holy shi*!!!!! The day has come that I have agreed with Tommar. What?!!? Stop and buy a lottery ticket on the way home today, well yes I will. Blum 3

Briannaw2016's picture

My credit is great and not in disrepair. I am not a mortgage company so I can't anwser it fully but we do know it will be approved in a few years. I've been waiting four years now. We are finally financially stable and things are great. Maybe I'm sick of waiting. I'm 31.

Briannaw2016's picture

Yes he does. Didn't want to say but yes, I was going to get a house on my own which I could have but our last min options was to wait for him to go through this two year program.

ExArmydad's picture

I say proceed with the way it is. Everyone is right here. Yes those girls HAVE to have their own room at dad's house. They were here first and they're his kids. I also believe that OP should have her kid as well.

Last time I checked, babies sleep in the parents room for at least the first 6 months. So the time it takes to get pregnant vary a couple months or longer.

3months + to get preggers 9 in the oven+ 6 months in your room = 18 -24 months. If planned right, thats plenty of time to get some credit under control.

I wouldn't worry about the hospital bills, as long as you setup a payment plan, there's no interest applied, right?

What about equity in the current home, is there any? Hell, it could take a long time to even sell that house + find a new one.

The point I'm trying to make is there's no point waiting on so many variables. Get pregnant and enjoy your life!

WalkOnBy's picture

I would do the bunkbeds/crib in the same room option mentioned above. Where I live, kids don't have to have a dedicated sleeping space or even a room, and I totally understand that.

In this case, the older girls are already here and a baby may or may not ever come to be. OP - you've got at least two years before you have to worry about this. Work your ASS off to make sure you can buy a house that everyone can fit into when that need arises.

SweetMom's picture

I wouldn't wait on having a baby. The longer you wait the harder it gets to conceive and you want to grow old with your kid, not be old growing older.. So you should have your kid now. I wouldn't get rid of their bed but section off the room, baby's room and a extra bed and dresser for personal things. They sleep on couch anyway because they are guests. Do it! Do your thing!

Briannaw2016's picture

Yes I'm the evil new wife who destroys family's and wants my stepdaughters to hate me. Quite judgemental don't you think? How about I'm 31, got a great career and credit, it's my husband who's working on his because of his past. And honestly my stepdaughters adore me and we ALL three talk about a baby soon. My stepdaughters are very good girls. Honestly out of reading all this ya maybe it's too soon to decide what to do but if it came down to it, switching rooms (ours is way bigger) have all three in one room and take baby in our room for 4 nights if that's how it was. I don't want to put my child bearing years on hold and NEITHER DOES MY HUSBAND. Ya that guy , the one I make decisions for and lock in my basement lol. Come on I married not just him but the girls too whom I completely adore and respect both their parents. Stuff happens and i just am anxious for a child, is that so wrong????!!!

Briannaw2016's picture

Where's the drama? To me, it sounds like your taking this post to heart and it's sincerely bothering you. I just wanted feedback on families who could possibly relate and not just bash bash bash. What brilliant career so I have? Again, judgemental. I think maybe you should go do something fun blow off some steam. Way too angry.

Briannaw2016's picture

Well your definition of "drama" is way different than mine. This whole website is created to speak your mind, get opinions am I wrong? That must mean everyone on here is dramatic.
I can tell your life and perspective on life is far far different than mine, thankfully.
And who displaced anyone? You must have a perfect life because clearly you judge alot. I adore my stepdaughters, don't you think if I wanted to "displace" them I'd not marry their dad? Idk what kind of stepmom friends you have but I'm not one of them. I'm just a normal middle aged woman ready for my first baby in the middle of a difficulty of buying a bigger house this year or next year. That does not make me a bad person to consider anything or pick my options through this forum. I think maybe you should step away from the computer.

Briannaw2016's picture

You have three screens? That's a scary thought. So do you go post to post attacking each one. Time for a hobbie, go ahead take on more good for you. Go away your wasteful words do nothing but take up space and one of your screens.

twoviewpoints's picture

If the girls and you are close and both are already excited about a potential baby brother/sister, why not talk to them about how everybody is going to fit? They might surprise you with some ideas of their own (storage, beds, privacy areas).

Of course their ideas might suck, be impractical et. Be letting them 'help' by tossing in suggestions may just work by giving them a part in 'how do we do this as a family we want to add a baby and this is the space we have to work with'.

They sound like good kids, you sound like a caring SM. The baby and both girls in the master bedroom might work. You've got time to sell them on the arrangement and get them excited and involved in the preparations.

Briannaw2016's picture

Good idea:) we have all talked "baby talk " and they want "him" nowwww lol. Yes they determined its a boy. I like the thought of us all talking it over. Their mom and had has had some financial hardships in their past, they understand and are super smart. I don't think resentment would be in the picture at all. Thanks for positive feedback Smile

Stepped in what momma's picture

Ha, this will never work, once BM hears her snowflakes are on the couch she will eat your lunch.

I don't even have kids and I know that trying to get 2 older kids to go to sleep in a room that a baby sleeps in is insane.

So older kids won't even be able to play in said room bc of nap time and early bed times for little one, then when they need to go to bed someone is going to sneak in room and get all the stuff they need to take showers, etc.

If you can't afford the kid do not have the kid.

SweetMom's picture

I'm not saying they have to get permission to eat or take a bath, at least not in my home. If I were to have a child then I would use the bed room as a nursery and have a spare bed In there or a futton that can fold into a couch and toss some stuffed animals on it .

Briannaw2016's picture

5 years and what the ****??? How can you predict such an aweful thing? Has this happened to you? How much they eat? You must have a completely different state of mind.

Briannaw2016's picture

Legal step parent and legal wife for two years. In their lives for 5. So what. I was still there and i do not minus the 3 years we weren't married. Thank God for freedom of speach.

Disneyfan's picture

The futon comment made me laugh.

In NYC foster kids can't be placed in a home unless there is a bedroom and a bed for them. Futons, sleeper sofas, roll away beds...do not count. If you can't provide a real bedroom (room must have a built in closet, at least one window and a source of heat-portable heaters are not allowed) and bed, the city will not allow you to be a foster parent. I find it funny that foster parents are required to provide more for the kids in their homes, than bio parents are.

Briannaw2016's picture

We can afford it as I wrote in the original post. My husband's credit needs some time to fix up. We both have very good jobs and savings. We have worked hard to get where we are.

liz9552's picture

I haven't read all the comments, but I would not take away their room. However, for a while the baby can sleep in your room. If circumstances haven't changed, then you can put a crib in the girls room, get bunk beds for them to save space. When they are over those 4 days, the baby can sleep in your room in a portable bed. Either way, they need their own space. My little one had his own nursery, but for the first year he slept in our room in a crib, because our home is really big and all the kids bedrooms is at the opposite end of the house, so I was more comfortable with him in our room, I just made a corner that was his little room.

Just whatever you do, don't take away what they have had all along. It could make them feel like you are replacing or moving them aside for the new baby. If you decide to go ahead with plans for baby, while baby is on the way, you could let them help you redo the room and let them pick out new bunk beds and even help with the corner for new baby. That way they feel included with the new make over with the room.

Briannaw2016's picture

I never said we couldn't afford new beds. This every other weekend arrangement just started a month ago. We were just looking at beds recently but haven't decided yet. We both make a good living just have to work on my husband's credit.

Briannaw2016's picture

They are junk. I think a bunked sounds nice and ya I'll toss all their crap away lol come on where r u from? Do ppl really act like that where ur from? I never said I'd throw any of their stuff away.

soaif6's picture

I'm torn on this because it bugs me that your stepchildren will have two rooms, and your LO won't even have one, but at the same time, speaking as someone who had the full nursery, with the name on the wall, and the rocker glider that matched the crib etc, I kept DD in our room with me until she was 9 months and her room went pretty much unused.

SD has her own room at our house as well (we rent a 3 bedroom) but right now refuses to spend the night at all. So her room just sits empty all the time. DH is actually the one that wants to turn it into an office, but I want to give it a bit more time, before we do anything drastic lol. The point is I get how frustrating it is to have a room that sits barely used, especially when it sounds like it is a large percentage of your actual space.

If you don't want to set up a nursery corner in your bedroom (or if you done;t have the space in there) you can set up a change table etc. ion the living room and decorate a small area there as your LO's. I wouldn't recommend waiting since you are already in your early 30's and it might take you upwards of a year to actually conceive once you start trying.

moeilijk's picture

If I were in your situation, and the living room was a space that the girls could go to bed at a normal hour and wouldn't be disruptive to / disrupted by me and DH staying up later, then that would be a reasonable solution.

But to have your living room taken over to the point that YOU can't use it comfortably half of all your weekends wouldn't be nice.

Even though I see your point that the girls are guests - they are regular guests, and I would assume have stuff they keep at your house. And you need a space for that.

Look at how your family dynamic is, how people currently use your space, and what you all need. Don't worry much about right or wrong, no one else lives in your shoes. I'm a Canadian living in the Netherlands - a country with half as many people living in 1/250th the space. I've been crowded since I got off the plane. I don't like how teeny-tiny all the rooms and stairways are, and that closets do not exist (you buy furniture for that). I prefer open concept and lots of space - but we don't have the money to buy that in this country. So we live small, have less stuff, and keep everything neat. I've adapted. I really don't see adjusting to changing circumstances as a hardship for children.

Tangible's picture

I would look on Pinterest for ways to make a bedroom shared between older kids and a baby look nice and functional. Invest in space savers like bunk beds. Get into the habit of clearing out clothes, toys, and clutter often so you don't end up with too much stuff in too little of a space. I have three kids in one bedroom now, a benefit for me is that they're all around the same age. Your benefit is that two of yours are hardly ever there. Unless the room itself is tiny it's totally doable to have three in a room. No, you will not have the adorable nursery you always dreamed of for your baby but I can promise you as a btdt mom that you'll hardly ever use the nursery for anything at first.

jumanji's picture

I thought I read further up that there is a basement? If so - can you do some work to finish (part of) it to be a living space for the girls?

While getting it approved as a bedroom for a certificate of occupancy (i.e, if you advertise it as another bedroom when you sell), you would need to have an exit apart from the stairs to the main part of the house and a bathroom, to do some finishing work as a "play space" you likely need only some permits to do the work. When the inspector comes, you don't have to tell him/her it will be used as a p/t bedroom. Just a thought.

still learning's picture

They can share a room with a younger sibling like most of us had to growing up. Bunk the girls up or do a trundle bed. They're kids, you're the adults...remember that.

sunshinex's picture

In my opinion. SO and I have full-time custody of SD, but if BM went ahead and had a baby, we would likely be fine with her taking SD's room and making it into a nursery and having SD on the couch when she's there. SD only spends about 2 weeks a year at her BM's, so we wouldn't mind at all. SD is old enough to understand the concept of having a room for someone full-time, even if it means giving up her own room that she barely uses because she has a room at our home.

Just seeing it from another point of view... It's nice and all to have bedrooms for stepkids who only sleep at your house on weekends/once in a while, but it's not a necessity. I think most children might initially be hurt, but if explained properly, can understand they only need ONE bedroom in their actual home. Anywhere else, they are a guest, even if it's a bioparent's house.

sunshinex's picture

Also just to add, I think in general, society does far too much "making up for divorce" when it comes to stepkids. Growing up, I had one bedroom because my parents were together. If they separated, I would've been fine having one bedroom with the parent I resided with and a place to sleep when I went to my other parents house. Sure, it might've stung a bit at first, but come on... Just because your parents separate, does not mean you are entitled to two bedrooms.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Your parents aren't divorced so you really don't know how it would have felt.

These girls had this room before she came along.

sunshinex's picture

They are divorced. When I was young, they weren't. As I got older and turned 16, they divorced... I lived with my mom/stepdad for about a year before they decided I shouldn't have any room in the house and told me to move out. My dad didn't have a room for me either... so I lived alone. You deal with circumstances as they change.

If a child complains about not having 2 bedrooms, that's just too bad. Life moves on.