I was real close this summer. DF was working a LOT and I was stuck with the boys all day. Until SS13 had a MAJOR fit one day and I called DF on the phone at work w/ SS screaming in the background, so DF came home immediately. Ever since then, i think he is slowly starting to come to terms with SS needing to be in a home. We've taken him in to get his meds adjusted, so we'll see how that goes. And DF doesn't work late or on the weekends anymore, tho he'll go in earlier. He tries to be home no more than an hr after the boys get out of school.

I think he's also considering taking a small pay cut, just so we can get down near fam & better support programs asap. There's a REALLY high rated residential school for developmentally disabled in the middle of the state that encourages lots of fam involvement.

I just don't want to let go of DF. But I've already decided that if it gets to the point where I KNOW I can't handle the sitch anymore, I'll be getting a job & a little apt nearby. I won't leave DF, but I will remove myself from the house.

Oh, and as far as having a baby, I would need to see MASSIVE improvement before I even considered it now. I want one with DF, never wanted one at all before meeting him, but not in such an environment.

He's asked me recently if I was gonna stay. Said he wouldn't blame me if I didn't, because things did NOT turn out the way we'd planned, and that most women would've run screaming mths ago. Maybe I'm stupid and falling into the same cycle of abuse a lot of the women in my fam (myself included) have fallen into, just not w/ an abusive SO this time. But I can't let go of the way DF makes me feel yet, and I can't let go of the hope that both SSs will get better. I KNOW SS9 can, and according to teachers and friends, SS13 is actually calmer since I showed up :? , which completely confuses me. If this is calmer, then what was he like before? Seems to me his fits are getting more into yelling & demanding his way & less crying & screaming when he doesn't.

But like I said, we got his meds adjusted think it was last week, the doc increased his "chill pill" dosage and sleep meds. He's been waking up WAY before he should for the last mth or 2 (sporadically thru/out the summer), so she said it's possible he's been hyped up cause he's not sleeping enough. And he's grown about a ft or 2 since his last adjustment. I'm praying that that's what's been making things so rough. I'm currently in a watch n see mode right now.

He'd started trying to hide at work this summer, he shut down for awhile after his dad was murdered. And I understand that he DOES need to be there a lot, he's chief engineer of a plant and has always been the type to go in & fix things when it all goes to hll. But when things got too stressful this summer, I flat out told him he needed to put his fam 1st because if the reason I moved up here (him) wasn't ever around, then what was the point of my being here.

He's started disengaging from work & letting go of a lot of the responsibilities he'd taken on that weren't his to begin with. He's cut his days down from 14-16hr days (when we were long distance) and now just works 8-10hr days. He's also started delegating. When he gets a call that the boiler stopped or some essential pipe blew on his days off, he tells them who to call or walks them thru on the phone. He does NOT go in like he would have in the past.

And I think that with him being home more, and SEEING what the boys are like has really opened up his eyes. BM had never said anything to him about SS13s behavior & he'd had no clue that the boy had such disregard & disrespect for women in authority. He's a lot more active with the school (which is how he found out it was women in gen & not just me) and the social worker with trying to find SOMETHING program related for SS13.

And yes, when he's home he's really exhausted from work because of the physical nature of the job. But he sleeps lightly and is right there when anything happens. So I leave the boys to HIM when he's home unless he's made himself sick from doing too much.

The whole reason he IS looking for a job down south is because of me & because SS needs to be in an area w/ more programs. And if he needs to be in a home, I think SS would do it, but would want to be nearby to be able to see him a lot. He'd even had an interview recently near that res school down south about a mth after I'd told him about it.

The reason I put a lot of blame on BM is because she refused to accept the dx when he was 4. DF is the one who pushed for the eval. She refused to believe that he needed extra anything. So to her, he was just extra sensitive. From what I've heard (not just from DF but from other ppl), she didn't start getting him meds or help at school with an aid and adjusted classes & stuff until he was in 3rd grade. After talking to her mom after BM died, we learned that she always just made excuses for him. She wouldn't dicipline him. When he moved their pc to his place, we found out that there were NO parental controls in place. Same with their ipads. And yes, I blame DF too. He DIDN'T push to be included. When every convo they had turned into raging arguments, he eventually gave up. And he fell into the eow guilty dad trap. So those weekends were always fun weekends. Not something that would trigger bad behavior. He was only ALLOWED to see them eow. She put the issues they had between them in the way of keeping him in the loop of what was going on w/ SS13. He's at fault for not pushing for more, yes, but he always made it clear to her that if she needed help, he was there. Shoot, the only reason he found out about her cancer was because her mom called him to take BM to the doc because she couldn't.

The boys he had eow were completely diff than what he's seen since. We're pretty sure that SS13s agressive behavior only really started when puberty hit. DF remembers him having meltdowns, but never making a move to lash out. SS9 has just been mirroring SS13 and learned that he could take advantage of the attention given big bro to fly under the radar. I read that it is common in younger siblings, happened w/ my cousins too. Older bro has downs & younger used that inattention to get away w/ stuff. But when I point out things to him that were rude or unfair, he does seem to really feel bad. Tho he still loses privilages if he does it again. His biggest problem is he doesn't THINK before he speaks or acts. Both DF and I have been working on that with him & he's getting a lot better.

Yes, I've read the horror stories of the sweet little boys that turn into literal monsters after puberty. Why do you think I'm NOT going to have a baby. Yes, I want one (DF and I had discussed genetic testing before having one when BM was still alive). But not while SS13 is like this. I've read that autistic boys get more agressive during puberty and it usually peaks around 16/17. Then around that age they either calm down or stay like that. I've made DF read them too. He doesn't want the rest of his fam to have to go around w/ pepper spray like some do. He understands that he has more ppl in his fam than just SS13.

And as far as him hiding this summer, wouldn't you try to lose yourself in something after your 70yr old father you worshipped, who could barely WALK, was killed in a fckin break in over STUFF? A wonderful man, where a million doller a day plant he hadnt worked for for several yrs SHUT DOWN so ppl could go to his funeral, but still be paid? Yes, he shut down. He came back when I shoved his fam's needs in his face.

When he hid from his marriage it wasn't because of his boys. BM let her fam treat him (& fell into that behavior too) like a 2nd class citizen all because he only got his masters in engineering & not his phd. Even tho he made 3Xs the $ they did, they were still better because they all had phd's. Even tho her sis was unemployeed and BM was the ONLY one who actually did anything with hers. Her mom was a "retired" RN who hadn't worked since she was in her 30s. Her aunt a "retired" lawyer who'd never had a single case in her life. They even treated him like sht when he took off of work to help her when she was dying. He put up with it tho because he wanted to be there for his boys. It killed him that they had to watch their mom go thru that. And they let him be there cause he did all the dirty work & they got to keep their hands clean.

I came here for advice on how to manage the stress, from ppl I thought would have had similar experiences. I thought this could be a place where I could safely vent about the things that drive me mad, even the "little" things. I KNOW SS13 is really bad off. DF KNOWS it will probably come to him being in a home, and it's killing him that he played a part in that by his inaction. But I fully trust that he'll step up to the plate if it's needed. And that if it comes to it, it will be a thouroughly researched home, & we will still be VERY involved in his life.

I didn't come here to have ppl tell me the things I know. That DF and I have talked about. I came for a place to vent with ppl that could understand my rare position. Ppl that wouldn't call me a horrible witch for not pandering to the boys, like the other site i'd tried.

Ya'll haven't called me the worst type of dirt female. Instead all I hear is GO. "It's too much and not your problem." But it is. This is the life of the man I love. The 1st man to ever see the REAL me. The 1st man that has ever challenged me to not hide who I was and to just be ME. And who loves me despite all my oddities. Who reaches for me in his sleep & calls my name when he has a bad dream. He lets me be the strong one when he needs it & I demand it, and lets me be the weak one when I need to.

I don't know about the relationships that others have had with SOs. But I will fight anything to be able to keep what we have together, and I will fight ALONG SIDE DF to give these boys the chance of having happy adult lives. And why would I leave the man I love to go have a baby with someone I don't love? I don't want a baby just to have a baby. I've seen him with small kids, and seen the love he has for his boys & his determination to make things as right for them as he can. I want a baby with HIM if things ever turn out to where we can.

And yes, he has to work. He makes a lot, but when you have 2 boys that go thru $400-500 of food a week, and one who has massive medical bills, he can't exactly stop working. And he needs to find a job that has good insurance in an area that has the resources that SS13 needs. I would work, but since I never finished college and would only make a secretary's wage at best, my best contribution to this family is to be a stay at home step. That's where I'm needed. And if I have to make the boys feel loved, even if it's pretend on my part, so that they have the encouragement to be BETTER than they were, so be it. They are so intelligent & could do so MUCH with their lives if they can get past the way they were initially raised.

The frustrations are incredible, which is why I came here for a venting place and a sympathetic ear. But when I see one of them clean up something w/ out being told to, it's incredible too. Even if its only once out of every 5 times. It used to be never.

Maybe I messed up in how I started this thread. Only talking about the bad stuff & not the good, but it was a bad night. Maybe I'm deluding myself that I can change something that can't be changed. But I have to try for the sake of DF & I.

I know I'm in a sitch that could end that way. My eyes are fully open to the possibilities. I'm not blind this time around, and I know that what ya'll are saying is well meant. But I've lived most of my life NOT living because I let the what ifs control me. I was almost a shut in for 10yrs.

I've WASTED the majority of my life as it is. Lol I'd always joke that I'd end up like the crazy cat lady from the simpsons. I'd already had 5 inside and fed all the strays outside. My only friends were my 2 older sisters.

I'd found "the one" at 25, but he was just someone who I could be scared with because he was the same. Moved to SF for his grad school and I grew up. He didn't.

I met DF after I'd been alone for awhile. I was finally able to live alone, in new orleans, w/out someone to hide behind. Still didnt go out (i was a little white girl in nola w/out a car. i wasnt going to go out with having to take city bus :O ). My life was actually really good. I was independent, good job, awesome boss. And my fam lived 2hrs away, close but not tooooo close. But being with him, having what we do, is worth more to me. I KNOW there are TONS of what ifs that could very well happen. But this is the 1st time in my life that I've ever felt like I was living, he's taught me to FEEL and not shut it off like I've always done.

Like I said, I know why ya'll are doing this. But I don't want fear of the possibilities to make me lose the good I have with him now. I'm going to cherish the good that I have now & complain like hell about the bad & the frustrations. But I don't want to run away from it. And I admit that that might change later on too