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SS17 Ruined My Anniversary

BaseballMom42's picture

Yesterday was my two year wedding anniversary. Since it was on a Monday and DS12 had a band concert last night we planned to celebrate our anniversary this past weekend. Well we were busy with baseball on Saturday, so I figured we would celebrate on Sunday after Father’s Day celebrations.

First a little background: SS17 lives in a different state, and he is on summer vacation. He usually comes up and stays with us during the summer for an undetermined amount of time (basically until he gets bored and stops getting his way then demands to be brought back). My DH has to make the drive to pick him up and bring him back home EVERY time. BM is the one that moved away years ago, but will never make the trip, or even meet half way, so DH is stuck doing all the driving. It is a 12 hour roundtrip drive.

Anyway SS17 wanted to be picked up this past Sunday (I must admit DH told SS17 he could probably pick him up Sunday, before realizing what was going on). So DH called SS17 in the morning and said instead of picking him up that day he was going to take a day off of work this week (Tuesday or Wednesday – just a few days later) and get him then. Besides the fact that is was Father’s Day, I don’t think DH should have to spend his entire Father’s Day driving. SS17 did not like that, he wanted to be picked up that day and that was it. So of course he called my in-laws and got them involved. DH never wants to upset them, he would not just tell them and his son, “Look, it’s our anniversary I am going to celebrate it with my wife, then I will pick up my son the next day.” They put the guilt trip on him and were like if you can’t get him today we can go get him, which wasn’t the point. Plus this was after them telling me over and over again after the last time they went and picked him up that they can’t make the trip any more, it is just too hard on them blah blah blah. It is not like SS17 had to get here for ANY PURPOSE. He has no plans. But of course he got his way. We did NOTHING for our anniversary. I am still mad at DH.

Now SS17 is here getting what he wants like always. He is going to be a senior in high school in the fall, what senior wants to leave his friends for the summer to hang out with his dad and grandparents? He doesn’t have a job, doesn’t play sports, isn’t involved in any extracurricular activities, no music, doesn’t volunteer, isn’t involved with a church organization, NOTHING. He sits home plays video games and that is about it. He is doing horrible in school, yet he still gets his way. He lies and munipulates all time. One second my in-laws claim they aren't going to fall for it any more, and the next they are giving in. I am sooo upset. I didn’t even get my DH an anniversary gift I am so mad. This is going to be my summer, UGH

Comments

Gabriels Mom's picture

at 17 I would have told him to get a bus ticket. Sorry I'm mean. I don't take order from kids, I don't care who they belong to....

BaseballMom42's picture

I certainly blame my DH, it is MOSTLY his fault, but if SS17 wasn't such a brat we wouldn't even be in this situation. SS17 knows he can manipulate his grandparents, so if DH wasn't going to do it he was going to get in-laws to. This is what he was done all these years. But I do agree it is DH fault, hence why I am so mad at him and didn't get him a anniversary gift, (yes, I know that is immature too, but I couldn't think about getting him a nice gift when I was so mad) but the problems stem from his spoiled son.

twopines's picture

Truth.

DaizyDuke's picture

SD16 was at GBMs all weekend (yeah me!) She called DH at about 4 pm on Father's Day and told him happy Father's Day and then the next words out of her mouth were if he could drive 45 minutes to come and get her at GBMs. DH flat out, said NO.. no thought about it just NO. He would have said it whether is was Father's Day or not. He drove SD16 there on Friday night there is no freaking reason why GBM or BM can't drive her home.

Hell DH won't even meet them 1/2 way anymore. Why the hell should he??? They have no problem driving to the casino at least once a week (which is just as far away as our house is) they always have gas money to go buy cigarettes or junk food so there is no reason they can't drive SD16 happy ass ALL THE WAY to our house. He's been doing ALL the driving for 15 years now and he's done (HIS fault for allowing it) Thankfully, he FINALLY is putting an end to this madness.

BaseballMom42's picture

Good for your DH! I wish mine would do that, I mean SS is 17-years-old now, he let BM walk all over him for years and she still is to this day. It is like DH is a push over with everyone but ME. I told him you have to live with ME, not your parents, not BM, not SS17, but me all year,yet he doesn't get it. It drives me crazy. I wonder if he will ever wake up, we will see if we make it to our third year anniversary.

ctnmom's picture

Why doesn't the kid take the Amtrak or greyhound bus? My two older ones are in college 3 hours and 5 hours away. Their sister (DD14) has ridden the bus a couple of times to go see them when we can't get her there or they can't come get her. It's quite safe and reasonable.

BaseballMom42's picture

I am going to suggest this to DH, you are right, he should be taking the train or bus, it would be so much easier. We both live in decent sized cities I know the bus/train station is only 15 minutes from where we live, so it can't be far from where SS17 lives.

BaseballMom42's picture

Thanks for the great advice! It is really helpful. It is so nice to hear things from an outsiders perspective. I am going to talk to him tonight (hopefully I can get him alone with out SS17 trying to listen to him) and explain to him how much this meant to me and how it has hurt me. I can't go on with him doing this to me all the time. I need him to understand that it is not right and I can't put up with it forever or he will lose me. He did get me a card and a ring for our anniversary and in the card wrote two sentances something like "Sorry if sometimes I don't seem like I care, but I do love you" But hasn't came out and actually said it to my face. I think that is what I need him to know. He has to communicate. He has to understand how he hurts me by doing stuff like that.

BaseballMom42's picture

I agree with you, there has to be a balance. When you marry someone that comes with part of the package. The focus can't be on the children 24/7 we wives need love and attention as well.

Shaman29's picture

I agree with the others who said this is on your H and not on your SS. While your SS is a brat, the problem is he wasn't parented well. Additionally, your H allowed your inlaws to manipulate them instead of saying....I've got plans. Instead he caved.

Take the issue up with your H and explain to him why this was important to you.

Regarding the SS and his shitty ways? Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

SMto2's picture

Wow, I don't understand a couple things about this situation. First, why did you have to celebrate your anniversary on FATHER'S DAY, especially when it was not your actual anniversary? Second, if you had plans to celebrate your anniversary on Father's Day, did you already have those plans when your DH told your SS that he would pick him up on that day?

I can see why your SS wanted picked up on Father's Day, not only because his dad promised to pick him up on that day, so he was expecting it, but because it was the official day devoted to the celebration of fathers. I wouldn't say he didn't have "ANY PURPOSE" to get there that day. I would never expect or even ask my DH NOT to spend time with his children (SKs or our bios) to celebrate something else on Father's Day, especially if the other thing being celebrated was not even on that day.

I don't understand why you couldn't celebrate your anniversary a week earlier before SS arrived for his extended visit (or any other day that was not already another holiday being celebrated.) My anniversary with DH is just after the kids are back in school each year, so we go away together for a few days to celebrate about a week before school starts. On our actual anniversary, we usually go out to dinner with the kids. That more than covers the recognition of our anniversary. It seems to me there was a way to fully celebrate both events without anyone's feelings getting hurt. DH and I actually plan and discuss our anniversary months in advance. It is not until August, but we already have our trip booked to the Caribbean (15 years this year!), to take place about 2 weeks before our anniversary. I'm not sure what you were planning to do, but it seems like it's not too late to go out to a special dinner or something to recognize the occasion, since it sounds like you had no plan or desire to celebrate it on the actual day anyway. One thing that's worked for me in 15 years of marriage and being a SM is to try to see things from the SK's perspective and not just my own. I also have found this works wonders in dealing with my own children and life in general.