Anniversary
As my wedding anniversary approaches, I am left feeling frustrated that so much of my wedding memories are wrapped up in the bomb that dh's ex and daughters lobbed at us on our wedding day. They refused to attend our wedding, and when we returned home that day, there was a court motion in the mailbox, with numerous demands, such as one brat " goes to the college of her choice". The court date was 3 weeks away, so dh and I spent our honeymoon looking for a lawyer, and we plopped down a 10 k retainer that week. All that done on a cheapie honeymoon, as we were looking to save money. I think that is what really enraged me. The fact that we could have stayed at a thousand dollar a night suite somewhere exotic..........so 6 months later, I was diagnosed with cancer while the legal battles ensued. Dh in court during my surgery. So now, several years later, I still harbor great anger at these people. I hate them! Most of our fights are over them. But I really want to be able to think of my wedding without that ugly event, and I just can not. Every year, the same feelings, mostly anger, come over me. How do I let it go? How do I feel good about my memories? In all honesty, our honeymoon was pretty lousy. Dh was devastated by their actions. We since have had better trips. So........do I just try to pretend like I do every year? And I think deep down I am angry too at my husband, angry that he has never felt the anger that I do. Would you believe that that event has never really been discussed with these people? The elephant in the room..........
I think you need to stop
I think you need to stop trying to force the memories of your wedding into a good frame - you said yourself, your honeymoon was lousy - anniversaries are times when we go back over good memories, and you don't have that many of your wedding/honeymoon. So I suggest that you stop trying to make it into a happy occasion in your mind.
Your husband is probably embarrassed and ashamed by the actions of his ex and daughters, maybe that's why he plays it down.
I don't know how long ago all this happened, but if it's possible, and if you are done with treatment for your cancer - why not treat yourselves to the "honeymoon you should have had"? and try and remember that, rather than the original event, which seems to have been fraught with stress and anger.
Exactly, but it makes me very
Exactly, but it makes me very sad because I feel that event set the stage for the past few years of my marriage. So I can not undo that day, but let it go. Remember the great trips that dh and I have actually had in the past few years.
What you cannot let
What you cannot let go....controls you....you can't change the past. Focus on the future....
If you don't want to give
If you don't want to give them the pleasure of changing your date, maybe the ceremony of writing the list, signing it and burning it, could be a new beginning for the same date.
In my mind, that would really
In my mind, that would really give them power. I guess I still struggle with how people could be so cruel and mostly the fact that my dh acts as if nothing happened. He tells me to get over it. It has created a huge divide in my marriage. I guess what I really wanted was for him to stand up for us, and disown them. But instead unbelievably, he has never even discussed it with a few of his daughters. I will always resent him for this and I do hold him responsible for his lack of actions, which really created such cruel people. So maybe I accept that my anniversary is not a great day and just move on. Be thankful the cancer has not threatened my life, yet!! That is awesome, yet I continue to focus on evil. I guess I need to not beat myself trying to make a day that wasn't so great into a great memory. And instead work on my marriage, and coming to acceptance of my husband's behaviors and his past.
"And instead work on my
"And instead work on my marriage, and coming to acceptance of my husband's behaviors and his past." This might be part of the reason you are still angry. Please don't accept your DH's behaviors if they are not making your marriage better. It only adds to the overall negetivity and intesifies the bad memories of your wedding day. I agree with a 'new' wedding but with a 'new' commitment to make the marriage the prime focus for both of you. Your DH doesn't have to disown the skids, they can be a separate part of his life which will have no effect on you and the marriage. If your DH can not agree to this there is more work to be done before renewing your vows. Good luck to you.
I think you should really ask
I think you should really ask yourself "Why do I need my husband to validate what his children did to me"? Will it make it more real? Will it make it all go away? Your husband knows how they hurt you. He has moved on from it and sees no value in keeping the hurt alive. Instead of being angry at him...be thankful that he has the insight to let it go. You really need to let this go and move on from it. It will free you and OMG your relationship with your husband would be so much better for it....
I understand your hurt &
I understand your hurt & frustation, it was a cruel and evil thing to do that to ya'll, I'm sorry. But I agree with SA, have a re-do. If you don't want a different date, how about re-newing on the same date but a re-do on everything else. A new ceremony, a new dress and a new honeymoon, all new memories. You can't change the past, you only have control of the future, re-write your day and let go of the hurt that the old memories bring you.
I think a wedding renewal is
I think a wedding renewal is a great idea. You can pick a beautiful little chapel. There are some gorgeous small ones that don't feel empty with few people b/c they are so small and hardly need decorations because they are so pretty. Some churches have a chapel like this attached to their building. I got married like this and the cost was low for everything because we could just take the guests out to an intimate dinner afterwards.
Top this off with a vacation/honeymoon to that place you've always wanted to go to. When you start getting upset with what these people did to your wedding, you could focus on preparing for your renewal. Afterwards you can place photos around the house of this day, a day you chose on your terms.
I don't think they are winning that way. If they ever found out about it they would probably be upset because they couldn't ruin it. Really, it's not about them anymore anyway. Just don't let them know about it until after the fact!
If it's any consolation, most brides I know "wished they would have eloped" because they were so stressed out. I know that's not the same as having your wedding purposely sabotaged though.
Your DH's ex and sd's did something terrible. Give yourself the time you need to grieve it, it will get better with time. Eventually you have to move on. Refocusing on a wedding renewal that has nothing to do with them might be a good way to start.
Though you may need some more time, you don't want DHs kids to take over residence in your head. Dr. Amen discusses ways to get rid of ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) that can overtake our life. He's got a lot of sage advice IMO. Here's a video of his regarding ANTs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F90ljFsPXu0 in case you haven't seen it.
Thank you all so very much.
Thank you all so very much. I discussed these thoughts with dh, who told me that he only has happy thoughts of our wedding day and that I continue to make myself a victim. So. I will basically give lip service when the day arrives. Dh knows from the past few that I do not ave great feelings. Life goes on....sigh
You are making yourself the
You are making yourself the victim..over and over again. I know it is hard to hear but sooo true. It hurts you and causes you to hold anger. I would suggest that you light a candle, write down ALL the terrible things they did that day...read them aloud to yourself...and then burn the paper. You will be setting yourself free. Nothing is going to change what happened on your special day. But this is controlling your happiness. Don't let them take 1 more moment of your happiness. I can tell you I was where you are at one point. I am now free and life is so much better. I even have a decent relationship with my step-kids. I said decent...not perfect...
Each day is a new and wonderful day....don't allow yourself to drag in yesterdays drama into your new and wonderful day....
May I give my point of
May I give my point of view?
First and foremost, I felt like the first year of our marriage had to deal with SS who is now in prison. I felt that we had to deal with MIL and him throughout the whole honeymoon phase and I told counselor that both of them ruined the first year of our marriage. I was so pissed off that I was screaming and bawling out in the room because of what I carried inside of me. The counselor didn't really know what to do as I exploded (impoded, whatever) in regards to what his family has done. I said, "ENOUGH!!"
My opinion to the counselor was that was why I want NOTHING to do with either one of them. They never thought about me or DH's happiness, just their own misery and now their own mistakes. We didn't have the wedding we wanted to because we had to deal with SS's s**t. Then on top of that, my MIL screamed at me twice and I told DH that she's lucky he was my shield because I was "seeing red". Never have I gotten so evilly mad to make me see red. I was foaming at the mouth and DH had to hold me back because I was turning into a demon she never wanted to see again. Both the MIL and the SS both caused my first year of marriage into one long disgusting arguement after another-I asked the counselor why I had to put up with this and I don't give a s*** if they are his family-WHY??? WHY DO I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS TOXICITY????
The counselor, Goddess bless her soul, was very very patient with me. She could tell that I was in a lot of pain because DH just stood by and let his family do this to us. She said that apparently there is a lot of pain that I have kept inside of me and that this went beyond any couples' counseling that can be done. DH was told pretty much to keep his family away for a while and let me heal, do things with me until things calm down. When someone tells me to move on, I ask them "how?"...How can I move on when the damage has been done? Forgiveness? No. It's not up to me to forgive them for what they've done.
The best thing for you and DH is to give yourself time to grieve, give your marriage a makeover meaning a renewal of vows and a beautiful wedding that should be, and to get rid of people who shouldn't be there in the first place. Treat yourself!!! Don't let anyone else get in the way of your happiness...
Thank you lady g for
Thank you lady g for describing how I feel at times. I get so enraged thinking about how those filthy witches could have done that on someone's wedding day. I am really enraged that my dh did nothing!!!! Nothing to set the record straight. Nothing to make me feel better. Instead the anger and resentment has festered and I feel like the love in my heart for him is replaced with ugly pus. I honestly do not know anymore. I feel so sad that our marriage started off on such a terrible way, and I do know that the cancer effect has damaged my marriage also. So as someone said, I need to move on. Lance the wound that holds the pus........start afresh with dh. Maybe not look back at the memories, but start new ones.
Sooo..I know your husband is
Sooo..I know your husband is aware of how much the kids hurt you...Otherwise he would have to be retarded as I am sure you have let him know over and over again. I am just trying to figure out what you want from him. Are you wanting him to agree they were total shiots. Or are you wanting him to stand up and shout "Neva again will you hurt my beloved..I say beloved...." I know I am being sarcastic but I am trying to get you to wake up. NOTHING your husband does at this point is going to make it better. You have to understand the way you are reacting is what is hurting your marriage. It is stealing your joy. You absolutely could have used this situation to bring you and your husband closer together. Yes I said closer....Get over it. Don't spend another day letting this destroy your marriage. Or get out...This much anger is not healthy and I am sure your husband is wondering why he is staying with such an angry woman. You are entitled to be hurt BUT you are not entitled to hurt others because of your hurt....
I have to say that my one
I have to say that my one friend told me today that those witches gave me a great gift. A good reason to keep them kicked to the curb for all eternity. She told me that she thought they were morons to act so flagrantly cruel. There is no wiggle room here to claim innocence. Oh his ex has gone on record to claim it was the lawyers fault we got served on our wedding day. "It was meant to get there a few days BEFORE your wedding." And daughter claims it was her mothers fault. My response to that is who sat at the lawyers table glaring at her father? Where have you been past few years?
The person who broke my heart
The person who broke my heart on my wedding day was DH. I cried for two hours before finally going into the courthouse. I do not remember one word of any vows. Not sure why I went thru with it that day.
My anniversary is in a couple of weeks. I know he is planning something and I just do not ever want to think of that day again.
Well old one, think of any
Well old one, think of any other day that was good between you. On my anniversary, I will not be thinking of my wedding day either. It sucks to have to pretend.......
I am really enraged that my
I am really enraged that my dh did nothing!!!! Nothing to set the record straight.
*************
That's the real problem. Monsters will be monsters. Your DH is supposed to be going to bat for you, and he didn't. He should never have told you to get over it. Major error. Until he acknowledges his mistake, and acknowledges the pain it has caused you, I fear you will continue to feel enraged, and rightfully so.
Yes one foot, I am afraid I
Yes one foot, I am afraid I will never get over my anger involving my husband on that day. I often wonder what other men would have done? What would other men do? I do know my ex husband would have been outraged and deeply hurt. I imagine he would have gotten on the phone that day to express his outrage. He would have called every party, every adult child. He would have made them chose. Either take it back, and apologize, or be disowned. My own children have told me that their father would never speak to them again.
But again, I can not undo the past, only go forward, hopefully with my dh. However, I struggle to lose this angst. I do think those months are also clouded by my cancer diagnosis and treatment. That was a very bad year!! Lol!!
Newimprvmodel, your DH DOES
Newimprvmodel, your DH DOES need to acknowledge the hurt his family has caused you and quit telling you to just get over it. Otherwise you can not get closure to that horrible day and move on. I'll bet you would be just fine if he does not even confront his kids at this time. He could just say, "I'm sorry I didn't consider your feelings more on our wedding day." Wouldn't it be so much easier to say this and validate your importance in his life? Is there any way you could point this out to him?
I really DO know where you are coming from. 2 1/2 years ago SD went ballistic and reamed me up oneside and down the other while DH ran out the door. Our marriage is doing much better because I banned SD from the house and we never discuss her at at all, which is good. But there still is a residual, lingering shadow on our marriage because he has never truly acknowledged the hurt from SD's nastiness and his disregard for my personal welfare. I only wish 2 1/2 years ago I had brought this up to DH. Now I wonder if it is too late.
It is hard to do but you do
It is hard to do but you do have to move forward from it. We had a very small Wedding, and in the photos I have with sd23 in, she is scowling or looking like her World has ended. LOL .
Now, I'm just meh, and I used the photos without her in, as my favourite Wedding pics, AND DH and I are going to have a VERY special Wedding Blessing, just us, somewhere exotic, which will be fantastic. That first Wedding isn't being forgotten or spoilt by sd's actions, it was just the beginning of our Marriage journey, and that's a special thing between just DH and I.
New, and all you others with
New, and all you others with similar stories, I am so sorry we all had to go through this. I too have those pics with SD scowling. I don't look at them. In fact, I still have my dress I wore to the wedding but I would rather just pitch it because it reminds me of the beginning of the hell the two steps put me through. Nothing happy about it.
I love my husband but there are days I am still resentful of what he allowed. About 3 1/2 years ago , I was as down as low as you can go, finally....FINALLY the counselor and the minister got through to my DH and told him how much hate his SD's had for me merely because I breathe. The minister took it upon himself to contact me as when he was preparing for one of SD's weddings, he heard all the hate she and her dear sister had for me. He heard no reason worth hating me for and he knew me. Apparently in their eyes, building on to your cottage so that all 5 kids ,spouses and grandchildren would have a bed to sleep in is the same as being a serial killer. Apparently working overtime and using my own money to pay for such a thing with MY money is being a family killer. Apparently visiting their dead mother's own dear mother and taking her out to lunch and playing cards with her because they never visit and has NO ONE is a family killer. (funny, they sure snatched up dear grandma's 300,000 dollars fast and ran when she died but couldn't be bothered to visit her when she was alive). Whatever, you get where I am going.
My husband got down on his knees, cried and apologized for never correcting his grown ass girls for treating me so bad. He apologized for ruining my whole life. He said he figures I will never forgive him. I told him that it finally felt so good that someone was telling me I am not the crazy one after years of trying to figure out what the hell I was doing wrong. At least I had confirmation finally.
There are still days where I am so bitter for what they put me through. If I stay bitter though, THEY WIN!!!! You don't want them to win do you? They win because you aren't enjoying your life to the fullest. They are robbing you of sleep, laughter, calmness and your old self that probably was a pretty wonderful person! Keep that pathetic attitude and you are serving up exactly what they want. They want YOU miserable.
2 years ago this month, my DH contracted cancer. It was a long, intricate surgery. You would think your daughters would snap out of it and be at your bedside. No, they just fired off more vile hate letters. More "I need daddy all to myself" and what a horrible person he and myself are. It was a pitiful site seeing him lie there in the hospital bed scared and hoping maybe, just maybe they would come visit. My two sons who live far far away came and sat with him. His son came too.
Some things you can't change. Acceptance helps. We have to accept death and taxes. We don't like those two things either but we have to accept them.
I now accept the fact they hate me. I am never going to try again. I accept I am never going to get back all the hard work, money, tuition, wedding money, caring, loving, supporting,babysitting,welcoming jumping through hoops actions I spent 8 years providing. In return, I was only looking for one morsel of caring in return. I have to cut my losses and move forward!
Thank you for sharing that
Thank you for sharing that story. Sounds like our SDs are cut from the same cloth. They will always be victims, even though they are the aggressors. Can't change them, but we certainly do not have to accept them. My dh has never really empathized with me, which would have made me not feel so alone and by his lack of reaction, I feel like I am the crazy one! My disengagement has caused dh to feel me as more distant and intimacy has lessened. How could it not? Any other people find they can disengage without losing a sense of intimacy with their spouses?
I certainly haven't learned
I certainly haven't learned how to return to the closeness again.