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I'm sad to say that this will be my last entry...

apd's picture

Submitted by apd on Wed, 12/13/2006 - 4:31pm

I want to first say thank you very much for all of your insightful advice, your wonderful words of support and all of the information that I've received over the last few months. I came to this site to be able to vent but also to learn and to see that I was not alone, in addition this site allowed me not to involve my family and friends who are not happy with my relationship with my BF. However I've been receiving annonymous responses that I believe are from those folks and are more critical and basically just saying to get out of the relationship which really defeats the purpose of this site. I came here respecting their requests not to discuss my relationship with them and instead they could not respect my privacy. I know that some will think that I've folded or that what they are saying might be right but in fact that is not the case. A relationship is hard work at best with good, bad and alot of stuff in between Smile and I'm not opposed to assistance when needed. This website had/has provided me with that help but for some of my family and friends, telling me to my face constantly is not enough for them and I don't want them to have another place for them to voice their opinions and assumptions. (The history on this is that I went out with my BF (and I may have already mentioned this) prior to us getting back together at the end of the summer and our relationship ended poorly before, in addition my BF had a bad reputation when he was younger, before I ever went out with him and a family member has discussed things she heard about him from her Ex, blah, blah, blah you know the routine!) Regardless of this I went into this fully knowing what I was up against and have accepted my situation and never asked any of them to change their feelings or anything but again they feel that what I should be doing is what they say and not what I say or want. They have the right to their opinion. I will continue to read and review the information here because it has been so important to me. Its just nice to know that I'm not alone and that there are others out there experiencing the same things that I am. I wish you the best! Thank you again...

Comments

Nymh's picture

Submitted by Nymh on Wed, 12/13/2006 - 5:57pm

I've had fear that BM would find this site and figure out that I am me...and that I'd hear things from her either in the form of anonymous responses (something she loves to do on other sites that I'm a member of) or emailing me to give me a piece of her mind. She has it set in her brain that I shouldn't be allowed to talk about her or her son to ANYONE regardless of whether they even know who she is or not. I respect her privacy and her right to lean on her friends for support, even if it is about me, but she does not feel that I deserve that same priveledge.

The difference with this site versus my personal blogs and journals is, none of you guys here know me from Eve. You don't know how old I am, where I live (except Dawn), or who my BF is. I don't talk about my personal likes and dislikes or what I do in my free time. All of these things are identifying factors. I don't give details about those things because while I come here for support, too much information could mean people who I don't want to know I'm here finding me. I'm not saying that you're doing anything wrong, but perhaps you could try to start over and change your story a bit so that it's not so easy for someone to pinpoint you. The way I see it, there are hundreds of thousands of people out there going through the same thing I am, and if I keep things just anonymous enough, it would be impossible for someone to really know it's me. Not to mention, new people join this site every day with their own stories, so there's no way they'd know you made a transition.

Anyways, just food for thought. I'd really hate to see you go.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

OldTimer's picture

Submitted by OldTimer on Thu, 12/14/2006 - 1:41am

You always have something good to say! lol.

I totally agree with you... apparently, what's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander either so I have found too. Funny how that works in more ways than one even on this site sometimes. lol.

This is my perfect place for me to come and speak my mind. So many times, I bite my lip and let things be as they may, but here, I feel safe to tell my tale if I soo want. After which, I usually feel so releived- got something off my chest and can go about my daily business. I trully value the connection with others here who are sharing my life experience on their own levels. I have never had this support before, and I LOVE being able to pass on support, advice, or just humor for others.

And another thing I found, isn't it funny how people are sooo quick to judge others based on just a few lines of text too? It's sad to me. I'm sure I've done it, but I try to be very careful. I never think indifferent of someone else's woes, because that is what is troubling them, so I rather try to help them however I can, if I can- even if it's just telling my story. They came here for a reason and so if I can offer my advice, or whatever, I chose to, that's my small token of appreciation.

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Wed, 12/13/2006 - 6:25pm

apd, I am in a position where my in-laws would love to hang me by a burning cross. They have made ficticious, negative, deceitful statements about me, and my involvement with my dh (prior to us getting married). They went as far as to list themselves as character witnesses for my dh's ex gf when we were petitioning my dh's parental rights over ss. Yes, that is right, my mil told the ex gf she would testify on gf's behalf that she should have custody rather than the stable home we were providing...(yeah forget ss's teeth were rotting out of his mouth...the simple fact that their son was dating someone he was happy with was enough for them to put on a tremendous crusade to fight against my relationship with dh). Crazy right?

I have been physically assaulted, emotionally assaulted, and even had drugs planted in my car, and 911 was called from a pay phone across the street from my place of employment...that caller said that I just tried selling drugs to a 10 year old boy. This has all been done my dh's crazy family members (female family members).

I share this with you why? Anonymous or not, we at some point in our lives have to learn to pick and choose who we are going to place value in. For instance, my mil was a sabotager (she has passed away), I knew this, so when our wedding came around, I didn't worry about her negative comments she was making prior, during, and after the wedding, I enjoyed the wedding as if she were happy:) My sil, is a sabotager, so when she calls me up trying to instigate a fight, I don't place value in her opinion b/c she creates drama to entertain herself.

If people are posting to you trying to get you to breakup with bf, ignore those posts, or private messages just like you would if someone was telling you to their face. In fact there are a couple of people here that post regularly that I just can't understand what they are trying to communicate, imo they are "batting in right field" so for the most part I ignore their comments b/c I just don't place value in their "opinion".

Sweetheart, we have enjoyed your presence at this site, and I speak for myself, I would like for you to stay, and you just might need to toughen up your skin, and let those negative comments be like water on a ducks back....

Take if from someone who has to do it in person, not just with the ex, but dh's son and family..

I hope you stay:)

apd's picture

Submitted by apd on Wed, 12/13/2006 - 10:12pm

Thank you for all of your responses I'm very lucky to have you guys in my life. I know I need to get tougher skin but right now with the changes going on in my life its harder to do. I guess I bit off more than I could chew Smile I'll make it and come back stronger some how I just know it. I'll keep in touch by responding to entries. Its just that I feel like I"m constantly having to explain myself, or justify what I'm doing and at my age its getting real old quick and I don't want to come here and have to hide. I know that some annonimity is required but the story is the story and if I have to make all these changes or leave out some details it will only get too confusing and then what's the point. I hope we all have great holidays!and that we all get along! Be happy and safe!

SympatheticBioDad's picture

Submitted by SympatheticBioDad on Wed, 12/13/2006 - 10:19pm

I wouldn't worry about someone finding you based solely on the story you post. That's pretty much impossible unless you include specific names of people or places. Even then the chances that a search engine would return this site based on a search for a city name is pretty slim unless nobody has ever posted anything on the Internet about your city.

As long as you don't post peoples names, nicknames, city names, etc. you're pretty safe. The only way someone can find another person on this site is if you tell someone you shouldn't have that you post here.

Anne 8102's picture

Submitted by Anne 8102 on Thu, 12/14/2006 - 5:16am

He's right. Also, most likely anyone that you comment about would not recognize themselves in your posts. I know that if my skids' BM stumbled upon this site she, with her holier-than-thou attitude, would never acknowledge her own behavior enough to see that it's me writing about her. She practices revisionist history in her own mind so that she can feel like she's the self-righteous victor who has heroically slayed us bad guys. Unless apd means something to them, then I wouldn't sweat it. If apd does mean something, then just change your screen name and start again, varying a couple of minor details. This site is such a great place to exchange observations. Don't let anyone drive you out.

~ Anne ~

OldTimer's picture

Submitted by OldTimer on Thu, 12/14/2006 - 1:22am

I'm sorry that you are being harrassed. That certainly isn't right. I have to say is that I usually pick and chose, depending on my mood, and just ignore most posts that I feel are in accurate, I don't agree with, or just mean in some way... if someone is hostile towards me, I certainly will just move on. (But there are a few occasions that I just have to stand up and say something.)

I for the most part, try to give constructive feedback whenever I can, and I try to do so with a little humor. So many of us need that these days, and if we're hanging around here, we're here for the same thing in one way or another. So, please don't feel threatened from someone elses views or opinions... after all it is just that. If people are sending you unpleasant private messages is there a way to 'block' them? I'm not sure about that, or maybe like someone else suggested, just create a new account?

I agree with Candice and especially SympatheticBioDad on this. I'm very careful about what I say, and I often review my posts before I "officially" post it. I chose this site because it is very private and I like the way people use DH, SS, BM, BF, etc etc, in place of names, made up or not, for privacy. Hang in there. And keep coming back! ;0)

Anne 8102's picture

Submitted by Anne 8102 on Thu, 12/14/2006 - 7:48am

My opinion on the internet is this: it's the public domain. If you don't want people privvy to it, then don't post it on the internet. If it's on the internet and you're interested in checking it out, then go right ahead. The internet is part of the public domain and no place to record private thoughts. Now, if Step Mom had hacked into this woman's computer and read her private offline journal, broke into her house to browse through her personal writings or impersonated someone else on these other websites were the BM posted to try to draw out BM's innermost thoughts, well, then that would be crossing a line. But there's not a thing wrong with googling someone and anyone who has a problem with being googled shouldn't even maintan an internet presence, in my opinion.

~ Anne ~

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Thu, 12/14/2006 - 8:12am

I have to agree. It is public domain. IT's like standing on the side of a highway..with a big poster board sign....then blaming the X for driving by and seeing it. Once you put it 'out there' .... its' there for anyone and everyone to see as they drive by the information highway! Smile

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Thu, 12/14/2006 - 8:19am

I realise that this site is annonymous...by a believe only to a degree. No-one who doesn't know my story intimately will know who I am.....but there are many..who would recognise the 'characters in my story' and figure it out...if they already knew me.

I do realize that.

I don't think you have to stop posting all-together...just be careful.... Smile

skye22's picture

Submitted by skye22 on Thu, 12/14/2006 - 8:41am

I HAVE ABSOLUTLY SO WORRY ABOUT MY SS MOTHER FINDING THIS SITE, IN FACT IT MIGHT BE A GOOD THING. I DON'T SAY ANYTHING HERE THAT I WOULDN'T SAY TO HER DIRECTLY.
I AM SORRY THAT YOU ARE LEAVING APD. I HOPE THAT YOU CAN FIND ANOTHER PLACE TO GO FOR SUPPORT AND UNDERSTANDING.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Thu, 12/14/2006 - 9:07am

There are a lot of assumptions and accusations flying around on here. Everybody has opinions on this issue.....that's fine. They are just that.......opinions!

Yes, the internet is public. This website is about as private as you make it. Like Sympatheticbiodad said, as long as you don't use real names of people, etc. it would be hard to find. I don't see any problems with people googling other people. Whatever. I can only speak for this site. I don't know if other sites say the are completely private or not.

Now, all anonymous comments must be approved by me. Yes, there have been some that disagree with some of the posts but none of them have been vicious or violent or they would not have gotten approved. You must be a user to send private messages. If ANYONE has been receiving private messages that are inappropriate please send ME a private message and I WILL take care of it.

Darn, I didn't check this site much yesterday because I was at my 93 year old Grandmother's Christmas party at her assisted living home and I come back to find this hornet's nest. I'm glad I had a good day with my Grandmother. She really liked the gift I gave her!

Everybody, take a deep breath and count to 10 please!!

Dawn

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Thu, 12/14/2006 - 9:13am

you know everyone has there right to come here and vent and say what they want. If we did not want feedback whether negative or positve we would not post here. No matter what your situation is.. you will be ok. Don't leave us.. You are like part of our little family we have created. I know I post a lot of the same things and I get post from people that may not be what I want to hear and I too at times can be pretty harsh but its ok. Its like the saying
"Opinions are like asswholes and everybody has one"... Ok..
Don't leave here.. Everyone has issues and stuff and people who may always look happy may not truly be happy.. We will miss you if you go.. You are a strong lady and you should show your strength. Stay with us..

Anonymous's picture

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 12/14/2006 - 10:13am

I myself have done searches trying to get as much "dirt" or info on the biomom as I could. I am not crazy or obsessed and I do not think it's unfair or disgusting. I personally do not tell anyone what websites I go to nor do I post anything that has to do with my email or nicknames. If its on the internet it is my belief that it is public knowledge.

Without attacking anyone......I do not come here for debates with other stepmothers and personally would never be so opinionated about what YOU think is right or wrong nor would I use examples of what other women have posted and say that YOU find it "disgusting". We are all here for support. You have no clue what it is like to walk one step in our shoes. This site is for STEPMOTHERS TO VENT. I could pick apart your thought's, feelings and what you have done in all your posts and then use them as an example in one of mine about what I think stupidity is, BUT I am not here for that.

Please remember when you are posting not to single anyone out for a debate. Otherwise I think you are on the wrong site.

apd's picture

Submitted by apd on Mon, 12/18/2006 - 9:17am

That my choice to stop posting at this time is based on "anonymous (not verified)" responses that I believe is from someone in my family or is one of my friends that dislikes my relationship with BF. Please also note that I take full responsiblity because I put myself out here and I think I mentioned this site to someone I trusted but unfortunately I know that they aren't to be trusted as their need to break us up is more important than trust. I didn't want to stir up trouble or cause problems between everybody here. You guys have been a great help and sounding board for me and its nice to know that I'm not alone. I just think I need to take a break and regroup and figure out the best way to receive the support without having to change everything.
I agree this is more or less free domain and the minute you open yourself up here you have to be prepared for the good and the bad and everything in between and I do accept that. Its just that currently I couldn't deal with all of it at once. Again I take that responsibility. As I mentioned before I'll be back stronger and prepared to respond to whatever comments I receive.
Please have safe and happy holidays!