You are here

I'm a newbee on the block :-)

apd's picture

I'm not sure where to begin with my story because its long and involved so I'll skip to the main reason why I'm writing. I mostly need a place to vent because I feel or I should say I felt like I was the only one going through the feelings I've been going through until I found this site. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE! My biggest issue is with the BM who is just the most unbelieveable biatch in the world! I know alot of people say that but man o' man I've never experienced anyone like her in my life. She is the most controlling, crazy woman I know. I may be naive to all of this because a) I don't have children and b) I'm a nice person who really trys to get along with everyone. I'm not stupid and in my early 40's and have had my share of difficult relationships with people but this one's the toughest. My BF is a great guy whom I love very much and love his children, they are young 5 & 6. BF and BM have been divorced for almost 3 years of which I had nothing to do with, but someone really needs to tell BM! She has a boyfriend but you might miss that since she still trys to be with BF. Its the old addage she doesn't want the BF but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either! I try to be so nice to this woman and she is just rude and does all the things that I've been reading here on the site ~ phone calling at all hours, text messaging, etc, etc. She's used the kids for information and she's set me up to get information. Its just horrible.
I'm trying so hard to make this work and I do try to understand her position but I just can't, there is absolutely no reason for her to treat me like this, and she does it in front of the kids which really worries me. So I'm here and hoping that I can find some good advice and have a place to really be able to talk and let my feelings out and try to understand it all before I explode.

Comments

Nymh's picture

First I want to say welcome Smile

Secondly, don't worry so much about biomom. The things that you're worrying yourself with are things that never are going to change. Biomom is bitter, vindictive, angry, psycho...that's never going to change. What can change is your actions or reactions toward her. Don't do anything to encourage her behavior. When she says mean things about you and gets you feeling like you need to justify yourself to her, don't! This is exactly what she wants. I know it's hard but try to take the things that she says as exactly what they are - craziness. You can't change how crazy she is, but you can change how much you let it bother you.

Biomom used to email me constantly and I would let her and respond to most of her emails because I felt like if I could just convince her that she was being irrational or that her actions were unjustified, she'd stop or change the way she thinks about me. Trust me, she won't. No matter what you say to her or what progress she lets you think she's made, it's all just a game to her to see how far she can get you to let her suck you in. Don't play her games with her. Don't respond to her emails. If she calls you, say "bf's not around but I'll let him know you called" and hang up, or just let the machine pick up. If she calls back, ignore it. You have to take the power away from her or she will use it to make you her marionette and she will try as hard as she can to make your life miserable. Try to remember when she's being ridiculous what her motivation is. Is it that she's trying to do what's best for the kids? No. You don't need to reinforce that behavior. We can't change the way they think about us or how crazy they are, but we CAN set firm boundaries and let them know that we will not stand for that type of nonsense. Pick a strategy and stick with it...trust me, nothing will bother her more than knowing she can't "get to you" anymore. Everything she does is a form of her trying to exercise her "powers of manipulation", these women love to believe that they're the world's best manipulators...but the more you ignore her the more she'll begin to understand that you're not playing into her game.

I've been ignoring biomom's emails for weeks now. The first couple of weeks she would send two or three a day trying to bait me into an argument. Now she may send one or two a week as a desperate attempt to get me to talk to her. Nope, sorry! I've set my limits and I'm sticking to them. Understand that talking to this woman will not help your relationship with BF. Don't let her make you feel guilty for anything you've done. Her pain is not your problem.

If any of this comes across as brash or insensitive, I apologize. All of this advice is coming from a woman who let BM's actions get way out of hand. I spent far too long encouraging and "counseling" her because the nurturing and sensitive side of me thought that was the right thing to do. That is not the side that you need to let BM see, or she will see your weaknesses and exploit them.

Good luck, keep updating and let us know how everything goes Smile

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

apd's picture

APD
Thank you for the "straight talk" I really appreciate it. I am trying to not let her get to me. I have the hardest time doing that though because I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that she is making this so much more difficult than it has to be. We're now in a state of her not even looking at me or speaking to me unless absolutely necessary. Of course I just conitnue to be nice. I think its also hard because BF will just do anything to not set her off, he's all happy because she's being nice to him and letting him see the kids which means that for me I feel like the outsider looking in. I know that's mine own shit!

apd's picture

APD
She is 32, surprising because she acts like a spoiled 13 year old.

happy's picture

young.. We are the same age.. Wow.. I would never do that.. to my ex.. if he can find someone to make him happy and she is good to our children GREAT..

Even when I was alone and lonely I would not call him.. Yuck.. He is the father of my children.. That is it..

I actually would love to deal with his GF all the time then him.. She is a nice person with a heart of gold.. And I know she loves my kids..

It will all work out believe me.. Keep ignoring her and she will soon get the hint and maybe even grow up.. LOL ( maybe )

Caitlin's picture

Crazy vindictive BMs never grow up. My SD's mother sounds quite similar to the one you're dealing with and she's almost 53 years old!! It's not a question of maturity, it's a question of insanity, jealousy, insecurity, bitterness, hate - shall I go on?

happy's picture

Shes bitter.. What a way to live your life full of bitterness.. How sad for her. Just try to live your life to its fullest and forget about her.. (boy if I would listen to my own voice...) ..
Shes a bitter old fart.. LOL