BM sets my kids bedtime?
BM called me, to let me know that when ss went back to her house after our weekend with him that he was sooo exhausted, that she had to do his homework for him. She has him in bed at 8pm at the latest, because 'he requires a lot of sleep.' I told her that bedtime at our house is 9pm, but if they get tired before that, they can go to bed whenever they want. She told me that we need to make sure ss is in bed by 8pm, or 8:15 at the absolute latest. I asked 'So... you want us to send him to bed an hour before the other kids go? That doesn't seem really fair." She goes, "Well, I hate to do that, can you just make ALL the kids bedtime at 8?" I told her that my oldest will be in junior high next year, and I doubt he'd go for an 8pm bedtime, and I wasn't going to change everyone's schedule. I also told her that ss is probably exhausted because we actually make him PLAY when he's here. (She does everything for him, a total coddler, and she's lazy to boot. Put's ss in front of tv usually) Anyway, it was like talking to a wall, she told me that I need to talk to BD about it, because it's just too hard on ss to be so tired. I was talking to a friend about this, and she suggested that next time ss is here, make him go to bed at BM's requested time, and explain to him that his MOM wants him in bed at that time, so we don't look like the bad guys, but BM does. I don't know though, I say keep it the way it is and let her deal with him being tired.
On to my next subject... still having problems (MAJOR issues) with ss ignoring me, giving dirty looks, not speaking to me etc... Well, I decided to go on strike. I'm not doing anything for him. I decided to let my fiance handle everything (aside from cooking). My fiance wanted to know why I didn't lay out ss clothes for school, and I told him why. I asked him why he won't talk to ss and find out what the problem is, and he told me he doesn't want to 'push it' because then ss won't want to come over. Great, let's just let him walk all over people instead. Good idea. At least he'll want to come over.
Hmmm....
I'm not so sure about it. I am undecided because I feel that she is being intrusive to your home rules by controlling your action to SS for her mere benefit... not his. On the other hand, some kids do need alot of sleep and solid schedules. I have a friend who's kids had to be in bed by 7pm(!) otherwise they were awful the next day... but it's the routine she got them adjusted too. Plus, not to mention that they also wake up at like 5am in the morning...
My question is, how long has this been going on? A few months, a few years? Or just out of the blue?
We had this problem to. It was just one way that BM tried to interfer with our home, our rules, and our family. SS actually gets alot of attention while he's here. DH plays with SS EVERYDAY he's here, physically plays, and when he went to his mother's, half the entire day was spent in daycare, where he would report back to us... It's nothing but babies there. He was the oldest there, and often just played with his gameboy. He was always tired, because there was no interaction going on. He was actually bored, which made him tired.
The other thing that happened was that she had just had two new babies (granted here folks, mind you the babies are less than 1 year apart.) so SS had to share his bedroom with the newest baby (brother)... while his baby sister (less than 1) had her own room. His baby brother cried all night, kept him up. It was awful for him. He came to us with dark circles under his eyes, grumpy, acting up, falling asleep. We tired to address it, but she was snotty, rude and would reply with comments like "You just don't want him to bond with his brother and sister." What?
During this same time, we were going through (another) round of mediation (due to her), and she insinuated that because DH's parents were visiting (for a whopping week) that SS wasn't getting enough sleep because of US, even though he stayed up a whole whopping half hour later, and his brother cried all night, which made his sister wake up and cry, and on and on it went. But it was OUR fault. Yeah, riiiighhhhtttttt. There wasn't much we could actually do about it, either.
So, maybe during the afternoon, you can have some sort of quite activity, reading, drawing, or something low key to help him unwind a bit the day before he heads back to his mother's? Is he playing video games actually before bed or watching tv? Video games actually stimulate the brain, so you don't want to have kids play video games right before bed either, that will make them tired too because their brain is still functioning at high capacity, go figure. So you want to stay away from games and action packed tv, but something more relaxed and soothing. We often resort to reading time a half hour or an hour before bed to unwind- especially the night before he heads back to his mother's. Perhaps try it? Have the kids "unplug", so to say, and do some reading.
We've had the same schedule for over a year
She has never mentioned this even once before, until this week. We had him for 2 weeks straight over the summer, with the same bedtime and we never noticed him acting tired during the day at all. He always fell right to sleep because he would play hard all day. (a good thing!) So I don't know where this is coming from... probably just another attempt to control us and create drama.
I ran into this once..
but it was opposite timeframes. One summer, I was working on a summer internship, and my shift started at 7:00 a.m. I was the person to read bedtime stories to my ss, to get him into bed. At that time he was 5, and I put him to bed at 8:00 p.m. with bedtime stories, and I did this b/c I had to go to bed early.
SS said to me.."my mom says I need to go to bed at 9:00 p.m. with books.." and I said to ss..."no, that is for when you go to bed at your moms' house.." and ss said "no, I don't get books at my house."
During that time, bm never even thought to have a schedule for ss. He never knew what a bedtime was until I got him into one. Dh had him so infrequently, that putting him on a schedule was impossible, so the poor kid went to bed when dad went to bed.
I chose to keep my own schedule, and put ss to bed earlier than what bm wanted, b/c it was affecting my sleep..and I am a person that needs a lot of sleep. I personally think that all decisions made for children need to be made in the best interests of the child, and at 5, I think bedtime at 8 is more appropriate than 9 when you are getting up as early as we did at this time. I think bedtimes are also need to be age appropriate. Kids in jr high should have a later bedtime than younger children, but at the same time, those older kids shouldn't be making so much noise to keep the younger ones up.
I can see that this might put a lot of stress on you, so if bm really feels that it is better for ss to go to bed at 8, then that falls on the responsibility of dh. Do you really feel that he is exhausted? Or do you think bm is making this up? If you really don't think that a bedtime at 9 is affecting his performance the next day, then just keep you own schedule.
You just need to do what you think is in ss's best interest, and you will know:)
Bests,
Candice
ok..
So this is what I would do if I were in your shoes..
BM wants son in bed by 8 pm.. OK.. SS still not talking to you and being a turkey to you. Then this is totally up to his father to take care of.
Personally I would not call my ex and tell him what time that they should go to bed. His house his rules.. Although I can honestly say that I do not agree with everything in his house. As I am sure he does not in my house either. But o'well that is probably just because we are not together anymore..
I agree
I would never tell my ex what his house rules should be. (And believe me I would love to, because he doesn't have ANY rules) But my kids are safe, and taken care of so I mind my own business.
But how do I get my fiance to take some action with ss? I don't want him to be harsh with ss, I just think something needs to be said because this is ridiculous. I sooo want to look forward to ss coming here. But right now, I hate the days we have him. And I hate that I hate it. If my kids treated my fiance the way that ss treats me, oh my god... they would hear about it. And you know... I kind of wish they would so he could see how much it hurts. I see how my kids have this bond with my fiance, they joke and talk, and they see him as a parental figure, and they love him. I want that sooo bad. We've done the while 'give it time, he'll come around' thing. It didn't work. So now what?
Let me ask you...
Have your kids ever noticed, wondered, or mentioned to you how your SS is treating you? Just a thought, but if your kids have a good relationship with SS's BF, do you think that it could be SS is jealous of them- that they have this good relationship with his dad... and maybe he's not feeling like it's the same? So, he's NOT going to DO THAT with you, sorta thing?
Do you know if the kids ever talk about it? Maybe if the kids asked SS why he treats you the way he does, he may feel comfortable to talk to them about it. They may be able to give him some advice, or explain... Oh, that's just Mom! She does that with everybody, etc etc. I don't remember how old everyone is, so I'm not sure if this is something worth while. But it does sound like there could be some sort of resentment for something...
Definitely
My kids have definitely noticed. My oldest asked him not too long ago "Why don't you ever talk to my mom?" SS told him he didn't know. So my son told him that it hurts my feelings and he should try to talk to me more. My oldest, bless his heart, must notice that I get a little depressed when ss is here because he really lays on the hugs and 'I love you's". The real problem is with my 8 year old though... I think he kind of takes it out on ss for 'hurting his mom' or something, because I notice a lot more arguing and resentment between those two, and my 8 year old is the one that really tries to coax him into talking to me. Like if ss needs a drink... he usually asks one of my kids to get it for him, so my kid will say "Go ask my mom, that's what she's there for" (Hi, my name is Mom, and I'll be your waitress for the REST OF YOUR LIFE apparently) Anyway.. yeah, the kids try to help with that the best they can.
Hmmm....
If I were you, sit down with the 8 year old and explain how thankful and how much you admire his help, but he may be pushing a little hard there! lol. He doesn't understand it though.
Sounds like the SS and Oldest may be able to make a connection there- in time. Especially if SS told him why he didn't know... he may not really know. It sounds like SS is confused.
For one thing, in your response the 8 year old refers to you as "my mom"... that may have some issues within itself, since it reenforces that you are not SS's mother, but his mother... if that makes sense. That's a hard one for an 8 year old to understand too. Does he always refer to you as "my" mom to SS? Just wondering.
Take small steps, but be persistent. Keep reenforcing positive behavior, and keep a steady routine of one on one time with SS. Don't allow his behavior to get to you. It's really really hard, but in time things will get better.
Different bedtimes are fine.
Think about it from a strictly biological parent's viewpoint... you have two kids, one is four and the other is nine. Do they both go to bed at the same time? Maybe, maybe not. Let's say one is six and the other eleven? Do they still go to bed at the same time? What if your youngest is three and your oldest is fifteen, like with my five kids... still the same bedtime? Nope!
Bedtime is earlier for my younger children, later for the older children. I try for 8 pm for the 4 yo and 9 pm for the 9 yo, but sometimes the younger one conks out well before eight and on the weekends the older one can sometimes stay up until 9:30 pm. My skids who are teens get to stay up later, naturally.
I think you have to set an upper limit for what time they HAVE to be in bed - say nine - but then if they get tired earlier then that, put them to bed earlier. If you only have the skids on the weekends and not on school nights, then I wouldn't worry too much about it. But if you do have skids on school nights, then it's probably a good idea to keep them on whatever schedule they are on at the other parent's house.
Bottom line is that sometimes you have to pick your battles and this doesn't seem like one worth fighting over. The worst thing you're doing by putting him to bed a hour earlier is having him go to bed with the others are still up, but on the up side you would be sticking to his regular schedule which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. You know, I'd play it by ear. If he's tired, send him to bed and explain that his BM wants him to go to bed at that time. If he's not tired, then let him stay up if it's not a school night. And if she asks about it, tell her that you are compromising by sending him at eight if he's ready, but letting him stay up until nine if he's not. She can also compromise by getting him to take a short nap when he gets home or, wonder of all wonders, doing the homework a little earlier and not right before bed.
As for his attitude towards you, I've experienced this too and I know it's not that I've done anything wrong. It's just part of being a new parent figure in a child's life, some of them take to it right off and some of them don't. I had a great relationship with my stepson right off the bat, the middle child took a little longer and the older one didn't work out until she got into her teen years. After five years of marriage to their dad, we've hit a plateau where we might not be demonstrative or overboard in our affections, but we are friendly, polite, civil and have a good relationship overall. Sometimes it does take waiting until they are mature enough to see past BM's shenanigans.
~ Anne ~
In my own opinion, and I
In my own opinion, and I mean this as a bio-mom who has 2 daughters who also live with Dad and his GF, so before everyone goes crazy, I am not just saying this because of it being my step-kids, I mean this as my own are concerned as well. WHY ARE U ALL LETTING ANYONE ELSE DICTATE YOUR OWN HOUSE, I don't care that her bio kids are there, they are not just her kids women, they do have a father and unless she is a freak of nature she wasn't the only one who made the kid. I don't agree with when my EX Husband lets our daughters go to bed, but guess what, if I wanted total control of my kids I should have stayed married to him, that is his house and this is mine. I wish my husbands ex-wife would call and say how we need to do anything in our own home. She would be afraid to ever dial those 7 digits again once I got through with her.
Not only that, it's not necessarily when you go to bed that can make you tired but when you wake up!!!!!! You can put him to bed at 6:00 pm but if he is getting up at 5:00 am he just might still be tired.
Janice you and I must have attended the same STEP MOM class, My phone would be hung up so fast if EX even attempted to dictate my house. No one can tell you to do something that you aren't allowing.
"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)
Am I missing something?
I thought it was what is best for the child, not step and bio fighting over control. It sounds like some need to take a step back and re-think things a bit.
Nor do I I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was refering to the subject of this thread which is the bed time. I am so sick of hearing moms and step moms bitch at nauseum about how one is not going to tell her how she is going to run her home. WHO CARES. We are talking about a child who is use to going to bed at a certain time and it differs when the child, on weekends, spends at the other parents home. Good lord, put it into perspective.
who cares? Um... I do?
If for one second I truly thought that ss was indeed tired from being up that extra hour at our house, I would most definitely send him to bed early. But he isn't. Which is my point of this thread... and even if he WAS, it would be up to bd and me what his bedtime would be, not bm. This isn't a contest,his father and I do have his best interest at heart. Regardless... this is still MY home and I say what the rules are. It's a non issue with us now anyway. I'm done with this subject.
Where does stepson fit into the equation?
Wow this back and forth bickering over everything must be tiring. Don't ya ever just wanta say no more fighting.
WHO CARES? Those who are
WHO CARES? Those who are being dictated to care. If the situation is appropriate for the child then yeah, sure. Obviously it hasn't been a problem for him previously and other parents can actually be capable of seeing if something is detrimental to a child or not. What is definitely detrimental to the child, is the continual power plays of some BMs. Once those stop, children will be allowed to focus on more important things like being a positive part of the blended family.
You are way too territorial.
You are way too territorial. Get over youself and "your home" It is clearly ALL about power for you.
bettyboop
Can I ask you something? Why are you so hostile? Just curious...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
-- Author unknown
Bettyboop, I hear what you are saying!
No need to defend your comments. These issues are often about control, who is right/wrong, who is good/bad, who the kids love more/less, on and on and on....
It is mind boggling. Step parenting is that much fun lots of times. But I am sure that being left to parent on your own while pops is playing house with his new squeeze isn't that easy either. That hasn't happened to me but I can only imagine. AND to top it all off that new dame might just think that you are a witch for not letting him see his kids...hmmmm..."grown ups" are such interesting creatures. No wonder kids are sometimes reluctant to join these ranks.
been there
I just told the BM that we do have different rules at each house but my ss BM wanted the kids in bed at 7:30 I just told her no she didn't like it but she had to deal with it cause I asked my ss what time do you go to bed at mommys house he said 10.
Jamie Houk
step mom
I'm sorry,
I do not want to come across as hostile. I know that I am hyper protective of my kids right now. I am not sure if you know my story but my ex left me for another woman (he actually left once before a few years back for another woman as well) and he rarely see our kids. I guess I am just still pissed off at him. It is so difficult to be everything and do everything for our kids. It isn't so much the day to day things but the no parenting on his part. I guess I am projecting. Sorry. I can only imagine how difficult it is to be a step parent. I guess I have been looking at all of these situation but have been interjecting mine. Does that make sense?
My ex's girlfriend is 26 and from another country. She is still learning english. I just never wanted anything to come between me and my kids. They are my everything and they are all I have left.
I think if BM has primary
I think if BM has primary custody and you only have your skids on the weekends, you should follow the stepchild's routine bedtime.
We have custody of my skids and when they stay up until midnight on Friday's and Saturday's it really does throw them off the first two days they are back home.
It really makes a difference. I think if BM has primary custody you should respect her wishes and put your stepchild to bed at the time she's requested. He lives with her and she knows him best.
I'm a BM and SM.
dont agree
I am sorry my bs father I let the bf do what he wants I don't get into it with him about it but he also ask me what time he needs to put him to bed and if he ask me I will tell him. I don't demand it to him and that is the way to get along with the ex-party.
Do you think she would be
Do you think she would be familiar with the suggestion "pound sand"? I wouldn't discuss it with her any further. Tell her to talke to "Bob" about it. I wouldn't put him to bed earlier than the other children. Until she gives you a court order requiring you put the child to bed at 8pm, ignore it. Imagine being a judge and having a case put in front of you that says "I want to be granted full custody of my son because his step mother won't put him to bed an hour before the other children in the household......." As long as everyone is adhering to the parenting plan and the parenting plan doesn't give her the authority to dictate bedtimes in your home, she can't legally keep the SS away from the BF.
As far as going on strike with the angry stepchild, I think it's a great idea. We all grow up to be well rounded by situations throughout our lives. What kind of adult comes from a child that is allowed to disrespect people and hurt their feelings? How will he know he is disrespecting anyone or hurting there feelings if there is not a negative consequence? Dad needs to get jiggy with all of this and take on the responsibility of their own "situation". Making you the bad guy just doesn't seem fair.