Tell me what YOU think.

Warning it is long.

Background= We have known each other for two years, dated for one and married for two months. He has three SS15, SD11, SS8. They have been separated/divorced for 4 years. BM married very quickly (after we announced our engagement, she set her wed-date three weeks before ours) to a man 13 younger. Him 26, Her 39. I grew up in a blended family and it was tough, so I understand all of the dynamics. And hence knew what I was getting into…….?
The kids know me to be very fun, loving, and fair. I am firm with the boundaries and rules in our household. I take an active role in the children’s lives and we talk openly about what our needs and our expectations are of each other.
The first of October, BM announced that she was pregnant and then end of the month she miscarried. The kids had mixed feelings about the pregnancy. They get along with Sdad- He is more laid back does not set rules, boundaries. So here is my dilemma- My SS8 is having a terrible/horrible time. (We get the kids every other weekend and on Thurs. and some other days.) He is always upset or mad. He officially hates me and H for marrying me. He has become very disrespectful to me and I do not know what I am doing wrong. I am trying so F****** hard to pick and chose my battles with him. I am nice, and firm. I try not to feed into his behavior. But sometimes it is too much and I let him know that that kind of behavior is unacceptable in our house. He is struggling so hard with this loyalty thing between the families. It breaks my heart. For example, He would never hug/love on me( he does not do it so much now) in front of BM. She would freak out and she would be so hurt if she knew he was being affectionate to me. Recently, he has been overly affectionate to new step-dad in front of us. I know he does not know what is appropriate. He is just doing what feels good or right to him at the time he feels it. But it is hurtful. She is a huge advocate/author of Attachment Parenting and pushes her kids to be very affectionate. But, She will not speak to me, or look at me when we are all together. She will not even acknowledge me when she calls our house. I do not like it but OK. I can deal with that. So child mirrors mommy.-that one I am having problems with.
She does not have any boundaries when it comes to pushing her new husband into the role of father to these kids. (Yes, I know she does for a fact b/c they each have their own blog site and a public community blog site that they participate on and tell all) Here is the dilemma-He wants to hate me and I know she is feeding this. (she cannot do it with the others b/c they have their own minds and cannot be manipulated in this way) When she gets married so quickly and then gets pregnant, he feels the rip of the attachment so he must do what he can to remain loyal and loved by BM. And to reassure her, he does not like me and wants to be so close with her new hubby. We want him to be loved and feel close with everyone involved.
I dread picking him up from school, getting him for the weekend and watching him when H runs an errand. It is horrible. He can be so mean. I trying not to “take it personal” but DAMN part of me feels that it is personal. I am miserable, sad and depressed! I know that I am giving him too much power over me. But he is non-stop when we get them. When it is none stop-you begin to feel beaten down. My H is wonderful and supportive. We are trying to do the best we can. But this child is sad and depressed , (yes, spoken with BM (who is against counseling/which now the kids think is bad) but she states that it is just US he has a problem with. HA- Are you kidding? This kid has had two new parents/a new home (she moved them)/ a new soon to be sibling(and now not), new furniture, different rules. Hell I would be depressed too, and I’m 32.
We have them for Thanksgiving and I am dreading that. Why does he hate me so much? What do I need to do??????????
I get along great with the other kids but now SD11 is starting to be on the fence about me because her little brother is in pain (completely understandable)
I love these kids. I do not know what to do. He is absolutely is miserable to be around.

Thank you for any thoughts, experiences, and wisdom or hope you may have.
(Sorry for the length).