What a Fool I Can Be!
This post is a update on my parents going to court over CS. My mom went and got a lawyer because my dad turned around and filed for the hearing after she would not agree to a small amount of money from him and settle out of court. The backstory on this is my dad is sick, his health is not so great, and he was going to retire as well. The problem is, he agreed back when he and my mom divorced that he would pay for half of my brothers(2 of them)college tuition,and support the kids as long as they were students, so that is like when they turn 23 or leave college. He also was supposed to pay for half of medical expenses, but never did. My mom's lawyer says my dad is already in contempt of court. They got financial aff's on both my dad and his wife (he has a very high standard of living because of her) lucky him, I know, no problem, but you can't go to court and cry poor, and expect to retire, after agreeing to this in a divorce decree, no matter how long ago this was. My mom's court date is this Wed., the day before I go to start testing on my son for his Autism. Why am I a fool, because I felt bad for my father, and was worried about him being so sick, but it's coming out that he is not as sick as he says (lawyer got his med. records) and should still keep working to support the kids like he agreed to. And he has gone around with his wife in their very upscale neighborhood and has told people there that he does not have any kids!???? My aunt found that out from someone she knows that lives there, whenever anyone has asked, he says no, I never had kids.Neither has his wife, and people have felt bad that they are so "alone"!!! WOW. I should go up there, and stand outside of his beautiful home on the street and hold up a big sign with all of our pictures (there are 4 of us) and chant "deadbeat dad,deadbeat dad!!" I know , wild idea, but good to think about. Here I was, feeling sorry for him, wishing my mom would just drop it, and let him go his way, and part of me still thinks this whole thing is stupid, but my mom has done this all alone for so many years, only getting a small amount of $$ for the boys,(under 700 a month for both) no visits from my dad ever, no presents for any occasion ever, and she has taken care of all of the "extras" herself! More than I knew, and I ask her today, why she has not told me it was this bad, her answer, your his daughter too, I did not want to drag you into all that when you had your own stuff going on, and I did not want you to hate him like she does some times. I don't know what to say. And this news today, he has no kids now, unbelieveable! So he feels pretty confident now that because he is sick, and he has officially retired now, that he can say, all done, no more??? I think the judge will say, sorry, you can still work, go back, or have your wife pay it for you. His wife will flip her wig!! She hates anything that has to do with us or my mom, thats another reason why we are estranged from him. I don't know what will happen, but I hope for the best for my mom. And I now ask myself, why do I always feel bad for toxic people??? And let them affect my life so much?
- Chel Bell's blog
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Chel Bell
Well, your mom did the right thing in not involving any of you kids in this mess. After all, that's how it should be. I know how angry you must feel. My dad doesn't acknowledge me either, even though we look so much alike that he could never deny I was his child. My dad never paid child support for his three kids, and back then things were really bad (this was in the 60's and 70's) my mom even went without food while she was pregnant with my younger brother just so me and my older brother could eat. My dad never contributed a cent, while his parents would bring food to my mom. If it weren't for them, things would be even worse than what they were.
I lived with my dad from ages 8-12 because I hated where I lived with my mom. The city was really bad, there were race riots every year, and I can remember having 2 boys argue over who was going to beat me up. It caused me to have some emotional problems that to this day my mom won't tell me what they were, and for that I am grateful that I have apparently blocked it out. Anyway, my dad didn't really want me, but he lived with his parents and they were the ones who agreed to take me. It's a long, long story, but my dad really resented my presence. I think I cramped his style. So while he got a new car every year and went to Florida for vacations every year, my brothers had to do without. My dad was never a dad until we grew up and he was no longer obligated financially (not that he ever contributed anything). I have not spoken to my dad in well over 10 years. I had to laugh...last September there was an article in the paper about my grandparents celebrating over 60 years of marriage (they are both in their 90's), and all the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren were listed except for me. Well, that's the choice I made so I have to live with the consequences.
I suppose you should judge your relationship with your dad based on its own merits and not according to what happened between your mom and dad. It's really wrong of him though to state he has no children, but since he hasn't had any type of relationship with his kids, maybe that's how he really feels. One of these days he'll have to answer for his actions. The best thing for you to do is let it go, because if you ruminate on it, it will drive you crazy and make you angry.
Sasha
thank you so much, thank you for sharing your story with me. And your right, I should base it (relationship) on it's own merits, it's sad that it started with a pack of lies and now has just gotton worse. Worse being now that I finally know the truth. Your right, I will let this go, but right now, I guess, I'm just amazed! "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."~ Randy Pausch
I'm sorry Chel.
I agree with Sasha, your father will have to answer for his actions one day. I'm so sorry you, your mom & siblings have to go through this.
his day will be Wednesday
this is not going to go over well with me now, no matter what. "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."~ Randy Pausch
(((HUGS)))
I will be thinking of & praying for you, your mom & siblings.
$700 a month is A LOT of
$700 a month is A LOT of money for two kids..
Are you kidding??? Minimal? Like %$700 a month is pennies...
Typical attitude until the tables turn.
Let your father retire as he deserves. And pray your own childen don't value you as a wallet only.
Its not about the money it is about his failure to fulfill ....
the court order. If the divorce order says he pays ...... he pays..... PERIOD!
And, $700/mo is not all that much to cover the needs of four children or two for that matter. Meals, clothes, diapers, school supplies, extracurriculars, transportation, health insurance, entertainment, housing, heat, water, etc .....
Hell, $700/mo does not cover the taxes it takes to live in a good school district where I have lived to provide good schools for my SS.
I would be hesitant to defend a dead beat parent who publicly denies his children and is in the hole to his XSpouse for tens of thousands of dollars. As I indicated at the beginning of this post I do not think this is about the CS for the kids, this is to compensate the XW for covering his share of raising THEIR children over the years.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
oh really????
I said under 700, and money, my friend, is NOT the issue here. My sibs. and I have always wanted to see him, he told us no several times, and even said the reason was his wife does not like kids! I never said he paid pennies or even led on to that , he does very well for himself, lives great (and I'm happy he does) BUT he did agree to help out with college for my brothers, and now he does not want to any more. My mom for the past 2 days has recieved a number of threatning phone calls from him and his wife, saying she deserves nothing, and that she is good for nothing as well. YEAH raising my brothers alone for the past 21 years, and being a good mom to my sister and I makes her good for nothing....sure. My DH and I have to deal w/ CS too, we are no stranger to it. My DH pays alot more for his two kids every month, and as far as my kids go, I don't have to pray for nothing, honey, cause my kids are not being raised that way, nor were my brothers. I would love to see my dad retire, and fully dissapear from my mom's life, but he made this agreement w/ her, and she needs his help w/ this. SO piss off! "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."~ Randy Pausch
Oh, Chel, I'm so sorry about this
I remember you talking about this issues a couple a months ago. I remember you feeling SO BAD for your dad at the time.
So I can only imagine finding out that he's been going aroung town telling people that he has NO KIDS. WOW! That's gotta sting. I'm so sorry for you. And I can see why you'd love to do something like walk around his house with that big sign (it sound exactly like something I would do).
That's a tough one. And your mom sounds like a true HERO in my eyes. All this time, not telling you the true story, sparing you the gory details to spare you the pain. I guess that's what us moms do, huh?
I don't know what to tell you to do about your dad and which course of action to take with him, but I will send you some good thoughts today. Again, I'm sorry he and his wife are acting so horribly and you had to find out about it like you did.
But I DO like that sign idea...
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
thanks Rags...
what you wrote, is just what this is all about with my family. My dad left my mom (for the final time) when my youngest brother was 6 months old. He just turned 18 in Dec. and got accepted into a great college here in Mass. My older brother who is 21 works full time right now, but wants to return to school when he can afford to. My dad was also supposed to pay for half of the medical expenses for my brothers, and never did. As they were growing up, my mom would send him the bills, showing the care they recieved, it was not much , my brothers were always healthy, but there were things that came up, and he never paid any of it. Said he would, but it never came. My mom, rather than fight with him, just took up another job insted. Like I said, my dad has lived very well over the years, and that's great for him, and he makes good money, so it's not like he will be hurting or go broke over this. My mom has been living hard long enough, and frankly she is tired.! She has stayed single, lived on her own with my brothers all this time , putting them first. She has also been there for my sister and I, loves us like we were her own flesh and blood. She has done a wonderful job, I think. She just wants him to "throw her a bone" on this one, and own up to his agreements. She wishes she could do this on her own, but she can't. My younger brother has worked so hard to get into this college, and he deserves to go, without running himself up to his eyes in debt, because his father is able to help. If our dad was not able, it would be different. He has done nothing for those boys, he has been free all this time. It is not alot to ask for in the grand scheme of things. "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."~ Randy Pausch
Chel Bell
I never could understand what possesses some men to throw their families away. What's worse is how his wife thinks what he's doing is okay. I tried to ask my dad why he did the things he did but he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. He used to beat the snot out of my mother, almost killed her once, and two of my uncles pulverized him. I forgave my dad for not caring for his kids but it took me a long time to let go of what he did to my mother. Back then you never heard of restraining orders, and the child support system was a bigger joke than it is today, so they were no help at all.
At one point in my life I struggled with whether or not to give my dad a second chance but I know how he is. He's like an old bubba who has nothing better to do than gossip. I finally decided not to even go there, that it was better for me to cut all ties with that side of the family. If you knew them you would understand why. Even to this day when people ask me my maiden name I won't tell them because I don't even want to be associated with them.
I feel badly for you because I understand how hurtful this situation is for you and your family. Just continue to support your mother and each other, and try not to let all this eat at your heart. Your dad won't care and you guys will only be hurting yourselves. The best "revenge" is to live well.
The injustice to your mother and brothers is what gets me.
Chel,
My heart breaks for you, your sibs and your mom. I won the parent lottery and my parents will celebrate their 47th anniversary in June. I have no personal experience that can compare to yours in this arena.
But, wrong is wrong and this is just wrong. One parent should not be able to walk away from their responsibilities to their children and leave the other to completely pick up the slack.
Though I am sure your mom never considered raising her children a burden your mom earned the money she is about to get from your dad in court. Of course she will likely turn around and use it to cover colleges costs for your little brothers and I am sure she will gladly do it.
I am sorry you and your sibs are having to go through this.
Best regards,
yeah 5 teens,
you'll see me on the news,LOL, with a BIG sign!!!
"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."~ Randy Pausch
my DH and I talked last night
about all this in detail. I have choices, he said, and picking up and walking away from my dad would be the best ting to do. I agree with him, but I wonder why it's been so hard for me?? There are many times over the years when I thought of him with love, and then times of anger and disgust for what he has done. And now the more I hear about all this, the more painful it is. I have payed him surprise visits at work,(can't go to his home cause of his wife) never asking for anything but a hug, and to say hello. I wanted to show him I was ok, and doing well. I wanted him to meet my DH, and see my son. And now I see even that meant nothing to him. He never called me or anything after seeing him, said he would, but nothing. I don't know why I try to defend him some times, I don't know why the thought of writing him off for good upsets me. I know I should, I have to. I have my family, and my life to go on, but something inside me has died. It should be easy to just look at him for what he is worth, and walk away and never look back, no tears, no hurt, but it's not. I thought of writing him a good bye letter, but his wife will probably take it first. I guess I would just want him to know just how bad he really lost. My DH says, coming from me, it would mean something to him. I'm starting to doubt that. "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."~ Randy Pausch
It's hard because...
...no matter what happens or what has transpired in the past, at the end of the day he's still your father and always will be. You are part of him and he is part of you, and to just cut him off completely is like cutting off your arm or leg. I know how it feels to want your dad to love you and care about you like a parent is supposed to and how much it hurts when that doesn't happen. I was my father's only daughter, and I used to grieve for what never was. I had dreams of all the great father / daughter stuff we could have and should have had, and it's so sad when you can't realize those dreams.
Let's face it: no matter how old we get, girls still want their daddies.
it is a process
almost like death, the stages you will go thru to get to a certain peace, I would still write him the letter but you dont have to mail it, keep it or burn it..
hugs to you ...
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."