Should I make my son go to his dads?
Dad's girlfriends of one year doens't like my son and wont speak to him. Long story short, she has no kids, but treats 2 dogs like her kids. She is constantly nagging their dad cuz their clothes are on the bedroom floor, didn't flush toilelt, etc. They are very respectful but they aren't perfect and she lives in a perfect world without kids and can't doesn't like them coming cuz it distrupts her peaceful kid free life. My son got mad one day and yelled at her and his dad cuz he got sick of her calling him up stairs constantly and then he comes down and yells at them. He asked her to please talk to him and he would respect what she wanted because he felt like she was putting his dad up against them constantly on their EOW visit. He flipped out, and in my opinion was out of line, but he got tired of his dad yelling at them constantly cuz things that bothered her and she would not sit in the same room with the boys and stares at them everytime she walks through the room. I told my son for 3 mos to try to be her friend and talk to her. Everytime he came home i asked him and he said he would try but she still wont talk to him. I overheard her talking to my younger son on the phone one day and she was being very friendly. Older son asked to talk to her and her tone dropped and was very very cold to him. Phone was on speaker and i heard it.
I told my son after hearing that, that he didn't have to go anymore if he didn't want to. He is a senior, 18, and he could make his own choices. I called ex, only cuz he called me 3 months ago on my advice to help them get along. I told him the phone story and told him my take on the situation and asked him to ask her to attempt to talk to him so he feels comfortable. My son went again and she still wont talk to him. He hasnt gone the last 3 times and it pisses me off that he doesn't see his dad, it hurts him, but he handle the rejection from her.
Soo, any advice on whether I should encourage him to go again or tell him to make his own choice? Or any ideas on getting the bitch to talk to him.
I would suggest your son set
I would suggest your son set up a "lunch date" with dad. Or, see if Dad and he could do something together for the day.
Something is going on between you BS18 and GF.... possibly, I'm just guessing here.... your BS18 may just be a little too "messy" for her to deal with. If at 18 he cannot flush the toilet, or keep his clothes picked up.... I must be honest... I would probably get upset too. It would be good if your son who is 18...would try to remember that he is considered ADULT age, and is expected by others, to behave like one. No adult would go to someone's house and be messy... Its a sign of disrespect. Talk to him about that.... then ask him to discuss it with his dads GF.... and see if that will improve things.
The reason I say this is that my SD17 does the same thing when she comes here. We keep a very nice tidy house... and she makes a pigstye of her room in the first 15 minutes.... and leaves food dishes, glasses and junk everywhere she goes. It is very frustrating. I choose my battles, but I want to lose my mind sometimes....seriously. I have been her BM for 5 years now... some things never change. When she was younger the excuse was...she is young.... blah blah.... now that she is almost an adult... what is the excuse? There is no excuse.
Good luck.
I am honestly not making
I am honestly not making excuses, but he does have ADD and is a zoner, always has been. He doesn't flush toilet all the time at my house either despite my constant screaming at him. I do agree it is very disrespectful. I have told him to flush and pick up clothes the last 3 mos and he has been trying to be clean and I think he is.
Nothing is going on between gf and me. We used to text each other about him to make it work in the last 3 mos. She says he is a good kid and she likes him, but then she acts like she hates him to his face. She is very passive aggressive. When she wouldn't offer to talk to him when he talked to her, i didn't speak to her again cuz i know she is just being nasty.
FSS11 has been diagnosed with
FSS11 has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and mood disorder NOS, among other things. I believe *you* need to be educated on ADD before you make such judgmental comments, because general messiness is not a trait of ADD. It's laziness and a personality flaw, especially in an 18 year old. His room gets messy with toys and sometimes it looks like Lego bomb went off, but when he's asked to clean it up it gets cleaned. It isn't perfect and sometimes he needs to be reminded and redirected more than once (as FOCUS is an important part of ADD-type disorders, not messiness) but it gets done. Should I repeat that he's 11 years old?
Teenagers have messy rooms, sure, but don't act like because he's been diagnosed with ADD he's incapable of not being a slob. If his father and his wife want him to keep a tidy room in their home, that is their right because it's THEIR HOME.
When he moves out, he's free to keep the place as messy as he likes but while he is living in a house that is not his it's not unreasonable that he follow the rules in said house, whether he's 18 or 28. If he chooses not to follow the rules, he doesn't have to go there. -shrug-
But ADD is no excuse for a messy room - if anything, it's a personality flaw and anything related to the ADD would be the lack of focus to finish cleaning the room, and the failure to keep redirecting falls on the adults.
Sue this 'kid' is not a kid
Sue this 'kid' is not a kid he is an adult. Sorry but I have to agree, he needs to act like one. I bet that is her problem.
When someone posts a
When someone posts a derogatory posting against another member when we are all trying to "help"...it takes away from the cause.
"...most teenagers don't keep
"...most teenagers don't keep their room clean."
"Most" teenagers might drink alcohol too, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to continue to have rules against this in MY HOUSE!
i will attempt to put an end
i will attempt to put an end to the spin of ugly about this post, he has tried all medications from age 5 to 15. All gave terrible side affects. He has an IEP which has enabled him to be extremly successful and is college bound without medications.
He is an adult, yes. He is very immature for his age, however, probably because that is how he is wired and the "auditory deficit" contributes to his maturity for sure.
I do not ever make excuses for him for not flushing the toilet and constantly scold and give consequences age 0 till now. Having a child that has an auditory deficit is a huge struggle and does contribute to life skill problems. If you don't have a child with problems as such, dont judge. It is extremly hard. I wasn't searching for advice on ADD, but about ex's GF problem.
UMM I am educated on ADD
UMM I am educated on ADD thank you very much. My son was at first diagnosed with that before they realized he has autism and he is held just as much responsible as any of the other kids in my house! I had a long rough road with him but even he flushes the damn toilet!
That wasn't my point sue. My
That wasn't my point sue. My point is that my Son DOES have autism and while there are different degrees, I have taught my son that just b/c he has autism does not give him the right to not be as responsible or be treated differently then the other kids. Plus this "kid' the op is talking about is still an adult and still should be acting like one weather he has ADD or not!
No, ASD or Autism Spectrum
No, ASD or Autism Spectrum Disorders refers to a spectrum - ADD is one specific diagnosis and, I'll repeat, in case you ignored my lengthier post, messiness is not a characteristic of ADD.
I am a believer in medication usage and in mental illness, but "upping meds" isn't the answer for every issue that comes up with a person who happens to have an Rx in the Autism Spectrum. It's something to be considered, but everything doesn't need to be resolved that way especially when the problem is unrelated to any symptoms, directly or indirectly.
I'll also repeat that, if anything, someone with ADD may have trouble focusing on the task of keeping their room clean but that doesn't mean you up the meds - it means the people responsible remind and redirect, although at 18 years old a great deal falls to him.
Once I can get my Bio 14, 17
Once I can get my Bio 14, 17 sons to keep their rooms clean then I will work on SK's...LOL
Teenagers are slobs that just face it
Op given the age of your son,
Op given the age of your son, I would suggest to both father and son is that they should start working on an adult relationship now. Meaning to met for lunch and the same type of relationship you have with your parents. Good luck
If he's 18, and not willing
If he's 18, and not willing to flush the toilet or put his clothes in the hamper, then I'd have a problem with him, too. The fact that you used the phrase "constantly nagging" makes me think there's a chance he's got a personal issue with SM, and that's why they are bumping heads. If he's 18, and doesn't want to go visit, he doesn't have to. He's old enough to be able to talk to his Dad about it, and I think you would be wise to stay out of the middle of it.
If I say pick up your room in
If I say pick up your room in my house, that's that...teenager, grown-up, pre-teen, it doesn't matter. Perhaps the tension is actually a symptom of something besides SM not wanting to live in a pig-sty. It's hard for me to understand BS18 flipping out over having to pick up after himself. Have you asked him if there is anything else going on? And, how do you guys plan to deal with his adult ADD, because I presume that he will be needing to take onsome adult responsibilities on his own soon and those do involve things like being tidy and considerate of others.
First of all sueu2, this is
First of all sueu2, this is the 1st time i have written this blog and i have never read another one like it so, please dont make stuff up just to turn it into something nast, like you always try to.
My son keeps his room very clean in my house, more than my 14 y/o. He puts his dirty clothes in a pile in the same spot every day. That is what dads girlfriend is bitching about. He would go on a sat. and back home sun. so there would only be one set of clothes on the floor by the door. SM is so used to things being perfect, and has a big shit fit when he sets one shirt and pair of shorts on the floor by the door. Does her irritation of one outfit on the floor justify her acting like a passive aggressive 2 year old bitch and ignoring him like he is a piece of shit, Hell NO! That was my point. My sd is walks around my house for the whole week ignoring me and only speaking when i leave the room, but I do not act like an ignorant 2 year old and ignore her when she occasionally says Hi.
Thanks for the lunch suggestion, i told him to ask his dad and he said it was a great idea.
I become irritated when the
I become irritated when the kids don't pick up their rooms, but I handle it differently. I have a couple of big chalkboards in the kitchen, and I write lists for each kid of things to do. These things have to be done before they get to do what they want to do. Period. If it doesn't get done. I clean the room and throw away whatever I have to pick up. That goes for my kids and steps, from ages 3.5 to age 12. I don't care what their malfunction is or how old, they CAN and WILL pick up after themselves. So I understand how their SM could be mad, but not why she is handling it the way she is.
That said, he's a grown man. It would be nice if he could have visitation it his dad, but if his dad isn't working for that to make it happen, and to build a close relationship, why are you? You realize that if you do this, it will remain steady only as long as YOU put forth the effort. The minute YOU stop pushing for it and YOU drop the ball, it will peter out. That's my opinion.
Good luck. Sounds like a stinker.
I actually told him the last
I actually told him the last few times to do what he wants, For 3 months i wanted him to go, told him to be respectful, pick up, flush toilet and see if she starts talking to you. He said he did, and his brother said he was being nice too and cleaning up, but she still wont talk to him.
I honestly dont try to make ex and son's relationship better because ex is too selfish to put anyone above himself, I just have that mommy instinct going on i think that sees him hurting from this and thought i would see what other people's thought were on it.
I hate to say this, because
I hate to say this, because it sounds so hateful, but is it possible that she's one of those SMs that it doesn't really matter what he does? She just doesn't freaking want him there and will find fault with him?
I'm not saying that's the case, but has she EVER liked him and been nice to him? Is this like a recent development?
His slovenly behavior may be causing problems. Or maybe he and his SM rub each other the wrong way and dislike each other. Hard to say.
I explain a few post
I explain a few post below...please read.
Let me elaborate, for 3 mos i
Let me elaborate, for 3 mos i talked to dad's GF by text. I always told her that I understand the dynamic cuz it was close to what i go through with my sd, she was very relieved and thankful to me that I could understand. I also told DH when he called me that our son needs to respect you and her in your home and to not let him get away with crap. The reason i agreed with both ex and GF was because I knew my son held resentment toward GF from day one from "taking dad away from us". Ex moved an hour away to live with her. He constantly told me he hated her and i would constantly bitch at him that it wasn't her that he was mad at it was his dad. She was the easy target and that is i was stuck up for her. I told him if he was acting like SD9 does to me then he deserved to be treated that way. He definately was directing his anger at her and I knew it. Over the 3 mos he did realize he was taking his anger out on her and the last month truly lost that anger had a nice talk/vent on dad and then tried to talk to GF, and now no matter how nice he is to her, she wont budge.
So, while i get why she was mad at him because she "felt" what all of us SM's feel, he has acknowledged who he was really mad at. He is a kind kid, immature, but realized how he treated her was wrong and is now trying to be nice to her so he can visit his dad, but she wont break.
You got a good point here to
You got a good point here to give her time, i guess i wouldn't (im not) be very trusting right away either. I will explain this to him too.
I think it's really
I think it's really interesting to read the issue of untidy SKids and annoyed step parents from the other side. As step parents it can feel disrespectful and annoying when SKids don't have the same ideas about tidyness, cleanliness and hygiene that we do. If you don't have children of your own the mess can come as a shock! But of course different households inevitably have varying standards and it can also be difficult for SKids to move between 2 homes where there are different expectations. As a person with no experience of children when I started seeing my DH, who had 5, I used to be dismayed and annoyed by the mess they created whenever they were staying with us. Gradually we came to a tactit compromise, DH got better at getting them to help and tidy up after themselves, and I relaxed and stopped fretting about whether their rooms were tidy all the time. It is very difficult for SKids to feel relaxed in a home where they are expected to erase all sign of their presence!
I think perhaps your son's fractious relationship with his Dad's GF is very much to do with his age - in my experience 18 is a very difficult age to step parent, especially if you have no children of your own. They're old enough to want and deserve more autonomy, but still young enough to be a bit lazy and difficult. It can feel unrewarding spending time and money and attention on someone who wants to be an adult when it suits them and a child when it suits them (you can make me dinner but you can't tell me what to do!). And their burgeoning confidence can easily come across as cheek and disrespect to someone who doesn't have the buffer of a close loving relationship with them. Your XH's GF probably finds it much easier to relate to your younger son, because he doesn't represent the same challenges.
As other people have commented, at 18 there is no reason your son should have to stay over regularly with his Dad, my older SKids have a good relationship with their father and with me but stopped staying over when they got to 17/18 and began visiting us in the day or doing activities with us instead. I think it can feel a bit childish at that age to be obliged to conform to a visitation schedule. The 'relate as an adult' and go to lunch idea is a good one and could be extended to other activities and events. Later your son could perhaps go over for a meal sometimes and make an effort to help clear up afterwards. Over time the tension will probably ease.
Thank you Bo, that was
Thank you Bo, that was helpful.
Well ya gotta love those
Well ya gotta love those dogs, they do give unconditional love. I speak more to my dog than I do my SD, but that being her choice, so i get the whole dog thing. However, i don't have conversations with DH or his GF, i only talk to son when he asks me if he should go. I help him work through his thoughts and he decides. It is new territory for all of us and just knowing now that this is "normal" for kids @ 18 y/o to just do daily visits/lunch is the answer i think i was looking for. I will share this with my son to put his mind at ease a little too.
You and your exDH must be
You and your exDH must be doing something right if your BS is still going to Dad's at 18 years old on the weekend, and he still wants to see his Dad.... Yay Mom! No PAS here.
Just wanted to commend you for that.