Our family trip that has caused me such anxiety has come and gone, and it was good.  Other than rain messing with our plans, all went well, everyone got along and enjoyed themselves, and we got to spend some quality time with our kids.  Even SD16.  As I thought, she acted as though nothing has happened, and DH did too of course.  I am starting to believe that her extreme reactions is mostly how she has learned might get her way.  I am sure there is some truth to her feelings behind them, but truly there is nothing that has occurred in our life since I have been around that would cause someone to treat their father like she does.  I have seen and heard her treat her mother with disrespect, and by what has happened it looks like most of the time her mom rolls over.   For example, BM gave SD her leased car to drive after she got her license, and is driving an older, lesser car herself.  On the way home from our trip, SD called her and was yelling, "what??? You're driving MY car???  I didn't say you could drive MY car, take it home!! What....you are filling it up?  You better fill it all the way!".  So, I really think she has been taught by both her parents she can bully her way into what she wants, and the difference is that DH finally started standing up to it.  So she verbally abuses and freezes him out...  but it doesn't seem like it means that much to her if she can go on vacation and act like everything is fine. It was not an exciting vacation, not something that she could not have easily passed up.  So...I guess it is what it is. I am going to stop carrying around this load of guilt feeling like I have ruined her life.  I have to let go of worrying about hers and DHs relationship, and whether he is responding to her like I feel would be right.  I need to make sure I always treat her with kindness, but I am going to stop putting pressure on myself to do or act like I think she wants me to.  I really don't think I have that much significance to her life, and I have to stop allowing this situation to have so much significance in mine because it gives me enough anxiety to where it spills over to other things.

 The only negative thing that happened on the trip (from my perspective) is that she was talking about how the lease on "her" car is up in a year, and then her grandparents are going to sell her their newer SUV for a very low price (which as far as I have seen, neither they nor her mother have contributed much, if at all, toward her brother's transportation or school.  Which makes me feel bad for him...and illustrates how she is favored.  But that falls in the "not my business" category, I know).As we are driving home, SD said to DH "you said you would give me 3-4k for a car, so if you give me the money you would spend on a varsity jacket and a class ring, that will put me close to what I need". DH agreed he had told her that.  I didnt say anything but I was like...oh really.  A while back, we had discussed a plan for her...we had an older SUV for her to drive for a year or so, if she proved herself we would invest $3-4k in something more her taste.   Then her mom gave her a car bc ours wasnt good enough, then she started acting awful toward DH...and I hadn't considered our idea was still a thing, let alone that he had talked to her about it.  He and I recently came into some money as a gift from one of my relatives, not a ton but enough to where we have talked about our budget a lot lately, looking at our future and what major expenses that we know we have coming up.  He has never once mentioned giving SD money for a car...and frankly if she is acting like a disrespectful, mean person who shuts him out, I don't want to give her our money for a car.  And to have her bring it up, after months of her blowing him off...and him agreeing....makes me feel mistrustful of him.  I brought it up after, when we were by ourselves, how it has never come up in our budget discussions, and he kind of blew it off and just said he figured that was a year away.  We were talking about our budget over several years, so it feels like he is holding this from me.   I am not sure if this is something I should pursue with him, or if it is another thing that should fall in the "let it go" category, since it is something we had talked about at one point.  It's really bothering me though, and I am not sure if it should be...