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Step son cannot understand my privacy?

paintedwings's picture

I posted a few months ago on the adult step children board. My adult step daughter was giving me quite a lot of grief and was asked to move out, which caused me quite a lot of pain, since she and I were so close for 10 years. But since she had graduated high school she changed and was so mean towards myself and my daughter.

Anyway I am doing alright I still have a hard time some days I really do feel like I lost my own child and she hates me for some reason I dont know why. She still talks to her father, he tries to keep it secret but am not an idiot. Its actually quite hurtful to see everyone sneaking around. He tries to keep me from knowing so I dont hurt more, he means well I know that.
My step daughter is running quite wildly. She has no rules at her mothers home (who is never home because she is typically at other mens home). I know my step daughter as had the cops called on her and is just not being very good and has quit her part time job and still refuses to attend college. But its her mess now I guess.

Anyway now my problem is my step son, he is turning 17 in July. I am not sure where we went wrong with these kids. He feels everything should be given to him. He refuses to get a summer job and mooches everything from everyone (from clothes from his friends, to getting his girlfriend to pay for his hair cuts!) He also feels whatever is in this house is somehow his, and it pisses me off.

I am a very private person and always respected my childrens privacy and expect the same, but he insist on going through my room, my stuff, my desks, dressers. He takes what he wants out of them. So much of my stuff goes missing. Now I put everything that I dont want him to take (Its stupid stuff too, like an ipod wire I need he losses his I bought 4 times and he takes mine, nail clippers, CDs, batteries, etc), but he goes through my stuff which ends up all over like my makeup gets opened up because he is careless, or papers that I need get torn so I have to carry everything with me all the time! How insane is this? Its my home but I cant leave anything behind. Before this marriage I was married and I had very private letters and papers from my divorce he went through and read and even wrote on!! I was so upset.
I also keep some candy my brother from Japan sends me (he works there for the American Gov), I did share a bit but well not to sound rude but its mine ... and one day he was home alone and found it and ate it all!!! Then denied he took it. He afterwards admitted to it and said "I dont see why she has to hide it its stupid candy and I can have it if I want) ....

Its very upsetting and I dont know what to do. My husband is no help. He says "At least he isnt like those other kids and drink and do drugs" .... Makes me feel like a jerk because I get upset over something petty apparently. Sad

Am I being silly? As a child I never went through my parents stuff and I knew they had their own stuff and it was theirs, if they wanted to share they would tell me. Am I just wrong?

I also think its so unfair my step daughter although now is not the best person in the world when she was 16 she got a job, and was working after school and paid for all her graduation stuff, prom stuff, she was quite proud of doing it too, my step son wont and I dont see how its fair that he would get it given to him when his sister had to pay for it herself. If my husband doesnt pay for it he will go to his mother and she will. (Like this year he is in 11th grade and we told him he did not need to go to the Prom its for seniors and he had no money anyway, so he cried to his mom about it and she paid for it all, his girlfriends dress, his tux, tickets ...)

Its all just so frustrating I dont want to talk to my husband anymore about this because he does nothing. And I feel so alone because I have no say or authority with my step son. I try not to let it bother me but it does ...

sweetthing's picture

You are not wrong to feel this way. I can't imagine the kids going through my drawers & stuff. My skids are only 10 & 12 and they will dig through the drawers in the hutch & the junk drawers looking for batteries,pens, general stuff like that but they would never go through my makeup or personal stuff. Heck their room is on the main floor & ours & BS almost 3's are upstairs & the boys rarely even come upstairs let alone our room.

You have to get your husband on board with this & have him lay the law down. You are not asking for too much here.

cyberwoman's picture

Very much share your feelings on this. My SS was 8 when he first stole money from my purse and since he had no consequences 14 years later he continues to go through my room, sleep in my bed, use my items as he pleases. The issue is lack of expectations, rules and enforcements from the bio parent. DH either downplays or just simply ignores matter.

buttercookie's picture

This is a respect issue when bad ss tried this at our house I had a hissy fit. Husband saw nothing wrong with it at first until SS took parts out of his computer without asking and it affected him.

oneoffour's picture

What you need is a light activated recording device. He opens the drawer and your voice screams at him... Get the F out of my drawer you thief! }:)

If you want to stay in that situation the only thing you can do is lock your important stuff in a safe in your closet. Is it a pain? Yes. But to keep your personal stuff personal you have to do it.

If he is being lazy and doesn't do a thing, ignore it. Just say no and make sure none of your money feeds into his lifestyle. Disengaging helps as well. Step back and ignore.

Or you can go into his room and take stuff and lock it in your car. Even if you don't need it, do it. And when your DH turns on you and tells you to leave his sons stuff alone you can smile and say "Oh I thought it was the house rule seeing this is what *ss* does with my stuff on a daily basis. Well I guess when he stops going thru my stuff I will stop going thru his stuff."

Actually my sister used to take things of mine all the time. I put a note in my drawer "Keep out you thief!" I know she saw it.

If I wanted to go through my mother's jewellery (I know, I was bad but I was only 7) I made sure nothing got taken and everything was put back exactly the same way it was placed.

buttercookie's picture

You shouldn't have to have your stuff under lock and key in your own home, they stay out of your stuff or they move, they are adults.

paintedwings's picture

Thanks everyone for the replies. I have setup a webcam before, it was to catch him taking stuff, which I did and showed it to my husband and he talked to him ... didnt do no good, that is what my husband said "I've talked to him .... " yeah well its not helping! urg!

Its at the point where he just ignores rules, he never goes to bed on his bedtime, stays up way past it. (Yes he has a bedtime). The way I see it is, you help out around here, you can get stuff, like staying up, or special things like I might pay for certain things we tell him to pay for (like he plays a few online games that have a subscription fee), well he does nothing. I do it all. My husband works long hours (15+ hours some days), so I clean the house, feed the kids, take care of our animals, take the trash out, help with homework, and my husband though it was a good idea to get a new puppy so my work load is quite heavy, my step son does nothing. I just ask him to do one thing and he will groan and moan and bitch, say I am lazy and its not his stupid job.

Just like I asked him to take a shower every other day, mostly because our water bill is totally out of control and we also have to pay for oil to heat the water, in the summer its not a big deal but in the winter its pretty pricy, and its not like he does anything to sweat or get dirty, he ignores me, and still does it. Doesnt care if we can pay these bills. He is 17 he should care. I dont get how they can not care, or do anything. My husband is a hard working man, at 16 he worked 3 jobs in the summer, on school time he worked 2 (one in the early morning one after school). He also helped out his mother alot, she was pretty ill him growing up and he drove her places and did a lot for her because his father worked the night shift.
I worked hard too, I worked in the summer and helped my parents out with many daily chores not expecting anything in return. So why is it hard to get help now from kids? I dont understand. and its not like am ancient I am only 31 ... so its not like I was a teenager eons ago lol

Bleh now am rambling. *Sighs*

I might try that with the makeup but he wont do anything, he will just ignore me, I've tried something close to it when he was wearing some of my socks and jackets (yes I said socks and jacket) ... I asked him was he trying to tell me he was a cross dresser or something cause its totally cool with me I can give him some pointers. He said no he he didnt want my lazy to do his laundry so he would just wear my stuff. nice huh?
Sad

Guess nothing can really be done since the main person, my husband doesnt see the problem, I will definitely be buying a lock for my draws I think, I told this to my husband before and he got mad at me, but I dont care it will keep him out of my stuff.

MaGoose2010's picture

You could get evil-ly creative }:) Buy itching powder or invisible ink powder that goes purple when you touch the item and them it's all over your hands for the world to see...proof!....

Otherwise, buy a few small chillies and lace a candy bar with the juice }:) ..he will take it and then rub his eyes, get it in his mouth..OMG will it burn!!!! Hehehehehe!!!! Take that! you nasty little thief!!!!!

Sorry....evil SM (been violated before too many times...actually think I should try out my own advice!!!)
Good luck

midwestmama's picture

There really is no "right" or "wrong" here...it's personal preference. Some people consider it petty, and others would find it intrusive. I personally agree with you that it is an invasion of privacy, but regardless of what we think, your DH apparently is of the mindset that "what's mine is yours" when it comes to his kids.

This is simply a boundary that you need to make clear with your husband. He doesnt have to agree with it, he just needs to back you up on it because its HOW YOU FEEL and this is your home. There is no need for anyone to feel offended, or like you're hiding things or being selfish...they just need to know how you feel and respect that. You can also acknowledge that you understand how they see it, and that you all just see things differently. Nobody is right or wrong, but you need to respect how others feel if you're going to live in the same house. Particularly kids respecting adults. Having your husband "side" with the kids is what is making this a bigger deal than it needs to be.

The other issue, I can totally relate with, and that is wanting to teach the kids life lessons, and not getting the proper support for that. Telling SS he's on his own for paying for his events, just to have BM step in and save the day, teaches SS nothing. And then to have people say to you "why do you care?" as if it's not coming out of your wallet, so what's your problem?? grrrr!! I get this type of issue with MIL (DH's mother) swooping in and doing things that I dont agree with, and DH basically tells me to back off and I cant make him see why it even bothers me! Very frustrating...