SD15 has destroyed my heart and is destroying the whole family
First I'd like to preface this by saying how much I appreciate this forum, reading and realizing I am not alone, and I am not crazy, and I am NOT A BAD PERSON.
I am mom to BD8, BD11, SS11, SS14, and SD15. Three years ago we got full custody of the three steps when their mother was arrested for child neglect (cat feces and dirty sanitary napkins strewn through the house.) She was evicted and went to live with her mother and step father. She was granted custody EOWE and one night a week. She is a typical BM - mean, vindictive, and never fails to call me a whore, slut and bitch to the kids when they are with her. She is also a raging alcoholic.
I took on raising these kids who were basically feral when we got them. No manners, no socialization, no belongings. I opened my home to them, loved them, taught them, supported them, treated them EXACTLY like my own two babies and they seemed to blend seamlessly into an integrated family unit. I have paid for their vacations, paid for their clothes, kissed them goodnight, urged them to have strong relationships with their crazy BM, and even bought a larger house so the SD15 - not my BD11 - could have her own room.
BD15 flipped out this weekend and called me a whore who stole her dad (not true), saying I did nothing for her, that she hates me and always has, that I don't love her, you name it - very foul, vile texts to her father my FDH. This was in response to finding out she lied to us blatantly. Her reaction, instead of contrition, was to turn on me spitting and hissing foul venom I can't even repeat. She has now decided to move in with her BM - and now I know how she feels about me and has always apparently felt about me.
Is it wrong for me to say yes - get the hell out of my house and be GLAD?????
Good riddance! Or does that
Good riddance! Or does that make me a bad person?
Oh I needed to hear that.
Oh I needed to hear that. Thank you :?
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
MY DH has in his Divorce
MY DH has in his Divorce decree that the kids can choose which parent they live with at any time and it has cause a HELL of a chaotic life for me. One day I wake up and i have a SD and a SS the next i wake up and i onle have one of them...... It Drives me INSANE
I am in uncharted waters with
I am in uncharted waters with this step daughter moving out all of a sudden, very confused about what to do/expect. Should we pack her things? What kind of agreement/boundaries should be put in place? VERY lost right now. And ANGRY. And upset for all the other kids in the house who now have to deal with a loss
No, it isn't wrong! If that
No, it isn't wrong! If that is her attitude about you, and in general, I would say good riddance!
Like others have mentioned, make sure things such as custody, visitation, child support, SD's potential to return, etc. are made very clear, and that FDH sticks by them! Yes, it gives the child too much control to just allow them to "choose" where they live, but you also have to consider the other children in the house. It isn't only a case of what is best for your SD, but what is best for the other children, as well...especially your bio-children, which should be your first priority above all!
IF your SD moves in with BM, and later decides to move back, you need to make sure you and FDH agree, and SD needs to know that there will be some firm boundaries! Right now, I'm being faced with my SD potentially moving back in, and I really don't know what to do. She was basically dumped on us just this past September when BM found out that my SD was smoking pot...but BM didn't say a word about it to us, just gave us some crap about finding letters in her room and stuff...something much less serious than pot smoking. SD was telling BM she wanted to move back home just about a week after being here, but was still playing the "I want to stay here" card with us. When BM realized she wasn't getting any money while SD was with us, BM went into full fit mode!!! SD moved back in with her during Christmas break (at which time BM finally told DH about the pot), but has since gotten into trouble again at school, and is now trying to move back in with us. BM and the step-dad are saying no, but refuse to buy anything for my SD that she needs, even thought BM just recently got a child support INCREASE out of DH! Of course, it could also be that SD is trying to get EXTRA stuff, because I have this strange feeling that she isn't being completely honest with us about what is going on at BM's. Just this past weekend, I took a family member who was in town shopping, and my SD ASSUMED I was going to buy her all of this clothing she had picked out! She is also trying to pull on me that she doesn't have any shorts for summer, though at the end of last summer we bought her like 4 pair (on top of what my husband paid in child support)...all denim shorts...and all the same size she wears right now. I'm pretty sure if she just cleaned her room and did her laundry, she would find them. I'm not buying her any this year...DH can demand that BM takes her happy butt to Wal-Mart or Old Navy to get the child some shorts herself...especially with the increase!
Thank you so much to everyone
Thank you so much to everyone who gave their input. Feeling I'm not alone or crazy has gone a long way to calming me down and helping me to rationally think this through. FDH and I have decided that our house is a better environment for her and really - it's about her and her childhood and I have to keep this in mind. It's not just about me and my feelings. So he will talk to her today and clarify that we feel she is better off here but the number one requirement to coming back here is therapy. I have already found a therapist for her to try should she take our advice and come back. I hope one day I can be as helpful to someone here as you have all been to me. I am truly humbled and grateful.
Sorry to hear you have gone
Sorry to hear you have gone through this. Rest assured it is very common. Step-kids pull this all the time sadly. And yes it really hurts. Talk about feeling like a doormat. My husband's eldest daughter did the same. Couldn't get along with bm and sf and was moved in with dh and I fulltime at 16. She would not see her mother at all at first, although dh encouraged it. I opened my heart to the kid and worked so hard to bond with her. Everything seems to go really well so I was pretty shocked when she started going off. When I made the mistake of trying to discuss what the issue was with her she went nuts. Just like your sd, called me every foul name in the book and made it clear how much she despised me. After years of continuing to try with her and putting up with all of her venomous entitled behavior I finally got smart and disengaged. I sent an equally strong message back to her with no words whatsoever...I don't matter to you and you don't want me in your life; ditto kiddo - except she really wasn't a kid by then. Best thing I ever did. She really has no power to hurt me any longer and has zero power over me at all. Quite the reverse, now it's me letting it be known in the classiest and politest way possible that I really don't care to have the likes of that negative drama in my life. Sd knows it. And so does dh's family. Their loss
Thanks everyone. I'm in the
Thanks everyone. I'm in the process of disengaging now, I just can't take this anymore. Where on earth do I put all my feelings of betrayal?
Hi all my sd has been trying
Hi all my sd has been trying split her dad and I up for years ever since he moved in with me it got worse when we got engaged her and her mother tried to stop the wedding I've tried to disengage from her but her mum will dump her on our door step and I have to run her to school etc she is 14 now she is two faced she lies to her dad and her believes her she faked her abduction when she was 9 makes up stories all the time but still my husband and his family believe her stories and I'm made out to be the bad one it seems she rules they family and they all try to keep her happy so she is very spoilt I'm so sick of the consist crap and dramas and my husband just turns on me each time Valium is my only hope I have anxiety now and have never felt so hurt and lost I don't want to end a second marriage and don't want to give her the satisfaction of wining !! I know I need to disengage but how when she will not leave us alone
Simple! STOP DOING THINGS FOR
Simple! STOP DOING THINGS FOR HER!! Easy as that. Leave it ALL to your DH to do!! If your husband is unappreciative and makes you feel like crap - he's emotionally abusing you!