You are here

SD behavior drives dad away not sure what to do ( sorry this is long)

rlock12's picture

Background to our situation. My husband and I have my three children and his son. His son after a year of fighting because he was very aggressive has stopped. The major problem I have is with the sd. Some of you have read post about the inappropriate behavior the sd has with her father.

In the beginning, she would cause problems with my ss and my children because she was jealous that he would play with them and not her. Sd is 14 year-old. She would encourage the brother to physical hit my kids and hurt them. She would constantly tell him their not your sister I am. you shouldn't be playing with them only me. Well that didn't go to well because he wanted to play with my kids.

Of course she didn't like the fact that I was with her dad because he did make her the center of his world either. It was so bad beginning my husband was waiting on his daughter hand and foot. He would be sitting and watching t.v. The sd who was 14 and sitting next to him would ask him for a drank and he would get it for her. He also didn't make them do chores or gave them any structure. He would work a ten hours day as a single parent with no help from Mom and then come home and clean, cook and do laundry. He was miserable too. He felt defeated and He was spent emotionally also because his daughter would scream and yell at him. She play the grandparents against him. He was just cornered because he had no family out here.

When I first moved in, I told him that I will not be doing anything for a 14 year old that she can do for self like get a drank of water. I had a baby who needed looking after. He didn't fight me with it. This is when he first started seeing that the kids 14 and 10 needed to do chores and start doing things for themselves. I also told him that my 8 and 10 year-old does chores to help out and I expect the same thing from his children. Also in my house prior to moving in with my husband, my kids had to be in their rooms by 8 pm. They didn't have to go to bed but they had to be in their rooms so I could have time to myself before bed.

Well we all know how this goes because the 14 and 10 year-old did whatever they wanted for year. About a month into it the 14 year-old decides to cut her self because she wasn't in control of the house and I wouldn't let her manipulated her dad. We take her to the mental hospital and from their they decide to let her move in with the grandparents so she doesn't have to share with the other kids or do chores. From this point on the only time we hear from her is if her or her mom wants something or they are calling the dad to tell him his a bad father. If you want more details there's another post inappropriate action with Dad.

All of sudden this 14 year-old starts getting upset because her dad wouldn't let her do stuff with him that he considered to be stuff you would do with a spouse or girlfriend. Like holding hands all the time or sitting on his lap and trying to kiss him. See details in inappropriate behavior with Dad to get details.

After he wouldn't let her do these inappropriate things. She decided that she wouldn't have a relationship with Dad if I was in the picture. So she basically stopped seeing him and willnt do anything if I'm around or her brother is around.

I have mixed feelings about this because I believe she needs the relationship with her dad. Dad has basically told her that he is with me and my kids and I are part of the family. She needs to deal with and be apart. He is also very uncomfortable with the overally inappropriate behavior his daughter is showing towards him.

I am not sure how to approach the situation. I know in the long run him not making time to see his daughter is going to effect them both. I try to encourage him to take time with his kids alone which he will with his son. But its hard for him to invite his daughter to go with him and his son because of everything thing I mentioned above. I can't make him. I think his making a big mistake with her in this regards. I can't force him to spend time with her. It takes me a month to convence him to see her then she pulls something stupid like the asking her dad to snap her bra when she only had a towel on. Again read inappropriate actions towards dad to get details.

After that happened this weekend I don't want to encourage visitation anymore. He is not wanting to take them. But I know this child needs her dad in her life. So I'm in a rock and hard spot.

Do still attemp to encourage the relationship or Let dad do what he has been doing not taking visitation because of daughter behavior?

rlock12's picture

I should also mention I try to do things with my kids by myself to give him the space with his kids by himself. Like I will go see my mom and grandmother who lives two hours away. So he has the weekend with his kids by themselves. So the kids don't feel uncomfortable about seeing their dad.

omgstop's picture

Can you post a link to the other post? I couldn't find any posts to your blog.

As far as what you described here, I would let dh handle the entire thing with sd, it sounds like she needs a lot of help and, sad as it sounds, it's her parents job to help her, not yours. It sounds like a really scary and uncomfortable thing to deal with.

omgstop's picture

Thanks for posting the link. I gotta reiterate, stay out of it. This kid needs SERIOUS help. Any contact with sd without some intense counseling/advice from a professional and maybe some court documentation to back everything up would be a mistake. Who knows what the hell brought this on, the only thing you need to worry about is steering clear of it and it sounds like dh has, at least, made certain that sd knows you and your kids are family, etc.