Pushing the release valve by writing
My son and SS are both college students and home for the holidays. My son's birthday was yesterday, and he requested we order pizza and have a game night, which we do quite a bit when the guys are home. My SS's girlfriend came over, the 3 of them are good friends and she often comes for game night. It wasn't a "party", it was just hanging out doing what my son wanted to do.
It had crossed my mind to ask DH if he had invited SD17, but she and my son are not close at all and it was his night, so I decided not to bring it up. SD is not into games and has never acknowledged my son's or my birthdays, so I figured she wouldn't be interested anyway. There has been a bumpy road with SD17, which I have written about, and she moved in full time with her mom almost 2 years ago. We don't see her much. There are spells where she and DH talk a lot, and some where she doesn't respond to him. Dh didn't mention her, and neither did I.
At 10pm last night, SD called DH and I could hear her across the room, screaming and cursing about what an awful father he is. It was so bad he hung up. Apparently she was upset because she wasn't invited.
So, on the surface, I can understand being hurt if you feel like your family is getting together without you. However, it doesn't feel like she wants to be a part of this family unless it is on her terms. She has had no problem the last few years ignoring and skipping out on invitations that don't suit her. She just did it last weekend, he invited her to go hiking with all of us and she didn't show or respond to DH's messages until the next day when she wanted to come pick up the money DH told her she could have for Christmas toward a new cell phone. She knew it was my son's birthday, we had just talked about it at Thanksgiving, and she didn't reach out to him at all. So I am pretty sure it's not that she wanted to celebrate, I think SS mentioned what we were doing and she decided to use it as another opportunity to kick her dad.
I have conflicting feelings about SD17. On one hand I get it. my parents are divorced, and I understand some of the feelings with that. It was all about me when I was with my dad until he got married. I didn't understand the changes and it hurt. I also know that DH and I have not done everything right. I struggled a lot for a few years with the way he catered to her, and fell into a depression and withdrew, to where I dont even remember parts of that time. I know the kids saw it, and I wish I could have been better. I also wish I would have addressed some things directly instead of leaving it to DH. I think that could have helped SD and I have a more authentic relationship. We are nice to each other if we are around each other but that's about it. I think she is a beautiful, smart, and funny person. She can be kind to others, but she has resentment built up to where she doesn't show that to us a whole lot. She seems to think she is owed something but I haven't figured out what that is. It is funny, I spent years feeling like DH let the world revolve around her, and she feels the opposite. I wish things were different, and I wish we could repair. But I don't trust her. Every time I start thinking there is progress, something like this happens. I feel like it is always simmering, and she is watching for things to be upset about. I prefer not to be around people like that. And then I feel guilty for not wanting to be around her. I don't know how DH feels. He has talked about missing his daughter, but also about how she uses him. This is not the first time she has screamed at him like this and it hurts him deeply. I hear of him reaching out to her, calling or texting, but i don't see him trying to get together a lot anymore. I don't know if it is because he is tired and/or doesn't trust her either.