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Pregnant, hormonal and can't stand ss

Momof_5's picture

Hi everyone,

I'm here because I have no where else to go and no one to talk to. My husband and I have been together for 4 years now and I've always had trouble with his youngest son. His older child and I get along really well and we have never had issues. His younger son who is now 13 is not someone I can get along with. His mother has always made him the center of attention and will literally drop everything for him. Hes been homeschooled and does not understand simple social queues. I have raised 4 children from a previous marriage and they were raised with a bit of a tough love kind of attitude. His mother is a lovely woman and we get along and I have nothing against her. I respect her as a mom and I'm fully aware that we have different ways of parenting. She is probably the most patient woman I've ever met and even she has a hard time with her son.

SS2  has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't understand why I don't give him as much attention as his own mother. I'm pregnant with my fifth child and when he found i was pregnant he cried (this was just this past december) because he was no longer going to be the "baby". He's going to be 14 in a month. 

The last few months he's been telling people he wants to kill himself. Any time his dad pays attention to me and the baby he does something and tells his dad he needs him right now. I'm trying to be understanding and I'm well aware that suicidal tendancies should not be ignored. I lost my best friend and an aunt to suicide. He wants his mom to have a more "motherly" role in the babys' life. He has asked his father if his dad can stay with him at his mom's house or his mom come stay with us. He asked if the baby can stay with him and his mom and brother at his mother's house. My husband spoke to him about how things work now and he said he understands but I'm not sure he does. SS2 has been seeing a therapist and recently a psychiatrist for his suicidal thoughts and they have told his parents that they do not believe he is suicidal but they will need to keep an eye on him. 

I understand there is a high likelihood that I'm being a complete a$$hole. Can someone please tell me what I should do. I'm pregnant and I'm due in 10 weeks. I love my husband but we fight about this all the time. I want to leave. We had a babymoon planned but I cancelled it because SS2 wants to come. My husband said he didn't think we should go away just in case SS2 needs him. So now he's planning a boys getaway for him and his boys so SS2 doesn't get upset. I just want to cry all the time. I just cant do this anymore.

SteppedOut's picture

Did I read that right? Your almost 14 year old SS wants HIS mom to take care of the baby sometimes and for the baby to stay at THEIR house sometimes? And your husband to stay there too?? 

That is EXTREMELY weird. 

Momof_5's picture

Yup. He's having a hard time with the fact that his mom wont be a part of this. He feels like she's being "left out". 

*Side note: as much as I think she's a nice woman, she has trouble with boundaries as well. Still asking my husband to do her favours under the guise of "it's for the kids".  He always says no but she still tries. 

SteppedOut's picture

Still though! It's weird for a kid that age to seriously think that should or would happen! 

Also, be VERY careful with the jealously. I had to watch my formerSS like a hawk at all times! I finally had enough and left. I wish i would have before my son was born! 

elkclan's picture

How on board is DH with the idea that YSS is a bit messed up? I don't mean that you should hate on him or that he's doing this 'on purpose' but it sounds like he has an extreme neediness that isn't good for him and he's obviously been really sheltered and yes, babied. It's a cry for love from this kid. It's good that he's getting professional help, but it sounds like a dose of the real world might be the best medicine - as in going to high school and being with other kids. At his age, he really shouldn't be so needy of his parents - though obviously he'll always want their attention somewhat. 

A new baby can be really distressing event for kids and it's not necessarily a cause for joy for them - even with full bio siblings. But he shouldn't be regressing so hard at this age. 

On the other hand - this could be a great opportunity for him to go and fetch stuff for you and do stuff for you. 

Momof_5's picture

DH is well aware that his son is messed up. He is enrolled in high school but now his mom is having second thoughts because of his suicidal thoughts and his out of control neediness.

 We've all sat together and talked about his role of big brother and how he gets to teach his new brother all these wonderful things. He seems so happy about it. DH takes time out to make sure he's still on board with his new role and SS says he can't wait to be a big brother! 

I've taken time out to have a little one on one time with my SS. I thought it went well. He vented to me about his trouble with his mom, and how hime and his older brother don't get along all the time. When I told him it was normal to fight with his brother and to have disagreements he turned the whole thing around and told his mom that I told him he's allowed to yell at his brother and call him names! I was mortified! My DH stuck up for me and said I would never say such a thing and even SS's mom said she takes what her son says with a grain of salt becuase he has a tendency to say things that are distorted versions of the truth.

DH and I went through a miscarriage a year and a half ago. We were ready to throw in the towel and I was going to get my tubes tied back in February.  When we found out we were expecting ànd the baby was healthy we were ecstatic! Now it seems we can't be happy about it because SS2 is clearly not accepting it.

Thank you so much for your positive advice and for giving me a different view on things.