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New to this. Help please with a teenage girl!

I love my dogs's picture

So happy to have found this site. I felt like a monster for having negative feelings about not wanting to be a stepmom.
There are a lot of issues, so I'll try and be concise. I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months, after reconnecting after 25 years. We had a brief high school relationship.
He has a 13 year old daughter, gets her on weekends she wants to come. I have spent some time with her. Shopping, movies... I don't have a knack for dealing with kids. I never wanted to have them. I feel awkward around her, I don't really know what's expected of me. What my boundaries are. I also feel like I shouldn't be a major part of her life after such a short amount of time. My bf kept pushing me to be more involved and it has turned into a point of friction for us. I've only been nice to this girl, I've bought her gifts. Sat through her swim banquet, where I sat there and smiled while her birth mom buried her face in her phone posting nasty things about me and my boyfriend. The mom refused to speak with us at all and we didn't know why. Still don't really. I've only met her once before. We were dropping off her daughter at a mutually agreed place. I had to get out of the car to let the daughter out. The birth mom and new hubby were standing there. My bf stayed in the drivers seat and left me alone. So I introduced myself. It was awkward and I'm pretty shy naturally, but I did my best. I had to speak first as new husband stared at me and mom was on the phone. I thought it went ok and never thought about it again. This was like 5 months ago.
Well recently after the banquet, turns out birth mom didn't talk to me because she said I was rude during that 30 second parking lot meeting.

I love my dogs's picture

That's the thing, I don't feel I have a role to play. I only did these things to be supportive of my boyfriend. Also, he calls his daughter all the time. I encourage him to spend as much time with her as possible. I use that as my alone time. But she only cones when she wants him to buy her something. He can't force her to come even though he'd like to.
And she's crazy. I've witnessed that and still tried to be cordial.
Thank you for taking the time to reply and sharing your experience

I love my dogs's picture

That's what I think. I'm being painted as a bad person because he won't respect my boundaries. He just wants us to a happy family. I keep telling him it's a little more complicated than that. She doesn't need a new mom, she already has one. I really want to fix this but I don't know how.
Also she has overheard fights we have had on the phone and went back and reported every detail to her mother. So that was fun when her mother threw that knowledge in my bf's face. I just want to live with him and be friendly with her and leave it at that. Is that possible?!

I love my dogs's picture

Thank you, you're right. I have tried telling him it's all kids. He tells me if I love him I have to love his daughter. He also says all of his other girlfriends, who all had kids, doesn't plenty of time with daughter. It's as if I'm a bad woman cuz I don't want kids. I think my last step will be couples counseling because we have talked marriage but I won't go forward until this is settled ( as much as it can be).
Thank you again.

I want to be a pigeon's picture

I wish I had got the advice you are seeking when I started out! The alarm bells are ringing here!!! Do not be forced into being her step parent, I would not get involved with his responsibility for his daughter. I would not be in the car when he drops or picks her up and I wouldn't have any conversations with his Ex!
As for his daughter she has 2 parents and let them deal with her from the start! You will spiral into having to deal with the baggage that comes with her if you are not careful. If I had my time to do things differently I wouldn't have done half of the things I did in the past.
You don't have to be earth mother to anyone's children, sounds like your gut instincts are telling you to back off a bit.

hereiam's picture

I just want to live with him and be friendly with her and leave it at that. Is that possible?!

It is possible, I did it for years (my SD is now 22).

Sometimes I did the girl things with his daughter (she was 5 when we started dating) and sometimes I didn't. My husband knew I never wanted kids, I told him that at the very beginning.

He didn't force it but he did voice his opinion that he wanted me to do more with her because her BM didn't do anything with her. I told him, "Sorry about that but that's who she has as a mother. When she is at our house, that is supposed to be her time with YOU, not me." I told him it could eventually cause problems if I took on too much of a motherly role and I just didn't want to go there.

He understood and he's a very attentive, nurturing father so it wasn't like he was trying to pawn her off on me. I think he felt kind of bad for SD that she had a mother who favored her son (not DH's) but that was not my problem.

If you can't get him to understand and respect your position, it will only get worse. And you're only 8 months in. What is he going to expect if you get married?

thinkthrice's picture

RUN!!!!

Painter21's picture

Hi and welcome to the world of "Can't Do Anything Right". It's not a fun place but people like me are stuck here forever and I'm sure you will find plenty of company. If you are friendly, they (skids, in laws, the world) will find something to pick on or talk about behind your back, when you get angry and aren't so friendly, well they were right about you all along. The problem is not you, it is that you exist and have had the nerve to date someone with children. The stepmother is always in the wrong no matter what so don't waste your time trying to rationalise anything or apply any logic to the situation you will only drive yourself crazy faster than if you don't.

fedupstep's picture

^^^THIS!^^^
I am constantly being told by sd15 to mind my own business or that I'm ignoring her...sometimes in the same sentence. I am never right, know nothing and once I 'accepted' it; life was much easier for me.