My patience is waning thin.
Hi all,
Still relatively new to this forum - but I do pop in every now and then and have a read. This is more of a rant just to get it off my chest.
Lately I have been having a few issues that I have shrugged off as being petty, but have been constantly bugging me and I can't get over them.
SD hates me and is very verbal about it to her mum (my partner). Whilst we all know this we both live our lives tolerant of each other's presence, and mostly not saying anything that will cause an arguement.
SD since starting school from being homeschooled, has developed a disgusting attitude towards her mother and brother (her attitude towards me hasn't changed - it's always been pure hate). She's rude and obnoxious to her mother and often I have to pick my partner back up from her daughter's emotional beatings. It hurts me to see what my partner is going through.
I have tried to remind myself that when i was a teenager I was slightly lazy and often forgot to put things away or pick up after myself. SD is 15 and expects everything to be done for her... especially now that she goes to school and isn't home to be able to do the chores. Yet, I am in the same situation - I work in the school system and have the same hours as SD, but am expected to pay for the roof over her head and the food in her belly - cooked and dishes washed. Lately I have begun to grow tired of picking up after her - rinsing the animal food containers, putting her rubbish away, cleaning out the fridge, cooking her meals, and watching her bedroom lamp chew up the electricity that is partially paid from my hard earned money while she sits on the computer watching filthy youtube clips downloaded with the internet that I partially pay for.
For her mothers birthday, she wrote in the card, that's she's a big girl now. To me that says that she wants to be treated so, and in my opinion, she ought to pick up her game and be more responsible. My partner explained that SD is at a stage where she doesn't want to grow up but she does. Fair enough. I suggested that one responsibility ought to be just for SD such as doing her own washing, hanging it out and bringing it in and outting it away. Just one personal responsibility that she's capable of but doesn't overwhelm her, and as she gets older we can introduce another one. Her normal household chores require her to wash the dishes once a week and vacuum once a week.
Yesterday, upon evening, SD asked her mum if she cold do her washing for her because she didn't get around to doing it. My partner caved in and said she would. I spoke to my pertner and told her that i was worried that if she caved in like that on the ONE responsibility that SD had, then she is allowing her to walk all over her. "...but, but, but..." Hmm.
Tonight I was preparing dinner and SD comes in to grab a 'snack' of a full plate of salad, and 2 boiled eggs. i asked my partner if SD was having dinner with us or making her own. "She's a teenage girl and gets hungry, it's just a snack." Well, guess who couldn't eat their dinner tonight.
Not to mention that I pushed the sauce bottle towards SS at the dinner table and it didn't quite make it to his side. SD pushing it at her mum mockingly, as if I did something wrong for being thoughtful towards SS (who doesn't have a problem with me at all). My partner didn't do anything. Which is why i am having a rant because I am angry. Probably not a good idea.
I've disengaged from driving SD around or picking her up from functions. I simply refuse. Partner accepts that and it is not an issue between us... not yet anyway.
I cannot disengage financially, as we need both incomes to pay expenses. But I have told my partner that when we have our own property (with my partner) and SD is 18, she falls under MY rules - no excuses.
I'm seriously considering 'disengaging' from cooking food for SD. Sick of the comments, and complaints. If you don't like it, starve.
I'll share with you what I
I'll share with you what I would and already do:
Stop picking up after her. Or, if you do: throw the stuff away (or put it in a bag hidden elsewhere in the house until she starts asking after it). Personally, I throw the skids stuff away if they leave it laying around when the go back to BM's.
If she leaves trash laying around, pick it up and put it on her pillow. If she complains, tell her you thought she was saving it for some reason since she didn't put it in the trash bin. I've done this many times and will continue to do it. Since I started doing it, they have gotten better at throwing their own trash away.
Do the same thing if she leaves her dishes unwashed, or wash everything other than the dishes she's used. Tell your partner that your SD has some dirty dishes to take care of. If your partner ends up washing them - oh well. At least you didn't have to do it.
Maybe put her lamp on a timer so that it switches off once per hour - there's a very good reason to do that as utility waste is ridiculous. I raised my own son to be conscious of utility waste - especially electricity. I informed him of how much, per month, I was willing to spend on electricity and that anything beyond that amount was his to pay since he was clearly being careless by leaving lights on, etc. Our typical electric bill for our apartment was approx. $35-$40 per month. Certainly no more than $50. When I got a $65 electric bill - clearly he was leaving lights on when he left for school in the morning. So I told him that I was only willing to budget $50 for the electricity and anything beyond $50 was his to pay. I tell ya, he only had to cough up money ONCE to help pay the bill. After that one time, he made damn sure he turned off the lights when he left for school.
If she gets snarky, call her out on her tone right in front of your partner. You don't have to be mean about it, just state calmly, "I don't appreciate your tone," - and leave it at that. Don't argue with her, don't engage, but call her snotty ass out on her shit. The real world isn't going to put up with it and it's time she learned that.
Start embarrassing her when she acts out. I've said something like, "Wow. I was watching Super Nanny the other day and I saw some kid having the exact same type of tantrum you're having right now. The only difference is that that child was 5 years old. Huh." Then I look at SS with pity and confusion and walked away without saying anything more. I don't know if I accomplish anything, but for real it's time these kids learn that they are acting like fools and that it's time to grow up and learn a different way in handling conflict.
If she snacks before dinner and doesn't sit down to eat with everyone else - sure it's rude - but really it's a blessing because you get to eat in peace.
It's impossible to get your partner to stop doing things for her daughter. Clearly your partner doesn't understand or care how she is debilitating her daughter from growing up and becoming not just responsible, but also an independent individual capable of caring for herself. However, what you can control is how much you will do for that child. By disengaging and refusing to do things for her, yes she will hate you (but really who cares?), YOU will be the one and only person teaching this child that the world doesn't revolve around her and that other people don't exist to take care of her.
Good suggestions LRP. Some
Good suggestions LRP. Some of them I've used. I stopped picking up after SD and would get a bag and put her stuff in it and make it disappear. Finally when she was moving to go to her HS's recently, she had a bag full of junk and I just dumped the bag of her junk in with it. She asked me where did this come from. I told her I had no clue. I just left it at that. I wasn't going to tell her. We still have stuff of hers but if she wants it she'd better suck up nice to us to get it or it will find the side of the road (trash). It belonged to her mother who is now deceased, but I'm tired of being treated like trash so her stuff can go the same way. Trash.
I love your suggestions.
Keep up the good work!
Best to you all!
thanks!
thanks!
I can't really say anything
I can't really say anything better than what everybody has already said, but i feel it is all good advice to save your mental health. it's hard to live with this and at times, i find my anger is so much i'm doing crazy shit like punching walls. the closest thing i'm come to experiencing this kind of BS is when i was in college and having to deal with idiotic roommates. idk. it's just so damn tough. hang in there
Great replies also helping me getting to grips being step mum
Myself and partner sat down together last night and had a real good chat, told her how i was feeling, all the issues with SD1 and how they will then be picked up by SD2 as she gets older.
Being in a same sex marriage isn't an issue, the skids love it!
The issue is trying to get SD1 to do her own stuff, her bedroom looks like a ruddy tractor has plowed through it! We want her to set a good example for SD2.
I'm new to this page, only joined yesterday and I had my first rant about SD1! the replies and advice I got really knocked me out. I've had nobody to turn to but this site has made such a difference to my thoughts on things.
Even just reading other stories, what us SP's are going through, how we all deal with each issue, behaviour,
I LOVE THIS SITE!
*yahoo* *wink* *preved* *yahoo*